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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-02-15 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-02-15 Pub. Date: 2018-02-15
Image Number: 168416
Caption: You ready to see Black Panther tonight, Big L? Almost. I got the tickets, I got a baby sitter for Lionel … but I still need to sew my costume. You have any idea how hard it is to find black spandex? What? You're not afraid to be seen with a man wearing spandex tights, are you? Bruh, after what you wore to The Little Mermaid, ain't nothin' faze me.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-02-06 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-02-06 Pub. Date: 2018-02-06
Image Number: 168181
Caption: I wrote an article about how people are purchasing followers for their social media accounts. There are bot factories that grab selfies we post to social media, along with out names and email addresses … and they use all our info to create and sell these fake follower accounts. A lot of famous people with millions of followers actually bought most of them. Did you write that 'cause President Trump mocked you for only having 20,000 Twitter followers? Totally unrelated.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-28 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-28 Pub. Date: 2018-01-28
Image Number: 167088
Caption: Hi, I just got a notice that I owe $30k t the city in past freelance taxes. That's right. Because you didn't file as a business between 2007 and 2013. I wasn't a business. I was a reporter for a newspaper. They paid you with a 1099 instead of W-2. That makes you a business. They paid me with a 1099 so they could get away with not giving me benefits, and so they wouldn't have to give me paid time off! That doesn't mean I was running a business! Yes it does. I see you earned less than $100k per year. You wouldn't owe us anything if you filed for an exemption during the years you owed those taxes. You never told me this tax even existed! I'm not gonna pay you $30,000 for a tax I didn't owe just because you never told me I didn't owe it! You're right, sir. If you include the penalties, you're actually gonna pay us $38,000. You're going to make me become a Republican! You know that, right?! There's no special exemption for Republicans.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-26 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-26 Pub. Date: 2018-01-26
Image Number: 167654
Caption: Twitter. Twitter.comcandorville. @candorville - I read your article about Orpah maybe running for president. I agree with you, the amateurization of America, from Uber to academia to AirBnB to the White House, is a troubling trend. If only we'd all get certified by taking awesome online courses for only $299/month at tinyurl.com/bxn8Lm6. They just get sneakier and sneakier. Anyway, I'm totally just a fan writing to tell you I love your work.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-24 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-24 Pub. Date: 2018-01-24
Image Number: 167652
Caption: Fox News tweeted that crime is down since Trump took office. So I wrote an article about how crime has been steadily falling for 25 years. Some random guy posted that’s fake news in response. So I sent him links to the data. He wrote back accusing me of obsessed with making him believe what I believe. I replied hey, you contacted me. Then he called me names. The internet is the dumbest land there ever was. I replied leave me alone. He replied you first.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-23 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-23 Pub. Date: 2018-01-23
Image Number: 167651
Caption: Am I crazy, Susan? What? Why do you ask? Last night, I was arguing online with some guy who was certain the moon landing was fakes … because the moon does not exist. I argued with him. But with every post, other people chimed in to say I was totally wrong and that this guy was absolutely right. Is this why you texted me is the moon out at 3 a.m.? When a whole room of naked people tells you you're the one who's naked, you can't help but double-check your pants.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-21 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-21 Pub. Date: 2018-01-21
Image Number: 166923
Caption: I got sucked into an argument with my Uncle Elroy again. Dr. Noodle. He send me a dozen article from dailynutjob.com about how George Soros is behind all the conspiracy theories about George Soros. I couldn't help it … I finally wrote back, saying "Why?? Why would he do that??" He replied "Because George Soros is trying to make people who buy into George Soros conspiracy theories look bad." Oh my. Then he sent me article after article about how Antifa spies were getting white supremacist haircuts and pretending to be white supremacists, and saying evil white supremacist things. I couldn't help it ... I finally wrote back, saying "Why?? Why would they do that??" I thought we agreed you'd meditate whenever you had the urge to ask that question. He said "because they're trying to make white supremacists look bad."
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-17 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-17 Pub. Date: 2018-01-17
Image Number: 167357
Caption: I'm not in love with my girlfriend anymore. How do I fix that? C-Dog's Incredibly Bad Advice 50¢. Here what you do, bruh: Pretend she ain't your girlfriend. Pretend she the hot single women you first noticed. You mean try to look at her with fresh eyes again? I meant go see other women ... but that could work too. (Originally published on 2015-12-30)
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-16 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-16 Pub. Date: 2018-01-16
Image Number: 167356
Caption: I've considered what you said, about how every story, change only occurs after an interlude. But those are stories, Rosencrantz, not real life. In real life, the biggest changes often occur randomly and unexpectedly. There usually is no calm before the storm. We often jarringly shift from one storm to the next. And unlike with fictional characters, the actions of real people often don't make sense. I still demand to know why you took my shoe. (Originally published on 2015-12-29).
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-08 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-08 Pub. Date: 2018-01-08
Image Number: 167089
Caption: How was your New Years? Great. This year, I was designated good guy with a gun. You know how every year, bozos all over America fire off their semi-automatic rifles into the air to ring in the new year? Well, the NRA has a hotline for that. You call it, they send out a good guy with a gun to blast all those bullets out of the sky before they can come back down on you and your kids ... You're joking, right? Of course I'm joking. Everyone knows those bullets don't come back down.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-01 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-01 Pub. Date: 2018-01-01
Image Number: 166779
Caption: I published my new book, Clyde. It's all about how I met my girlfriend and how Trump became president. It's called "Canada or Bust!" … Available right now from my website, from Amazon, and from a bookstore near you. Bruh … is we havin' a conversation, or is you tryna sell me somethin'? I would never try to sell my own friends something Clyde. That'd be tacky. Is that your book right there in your hands with the title pointed at my face?
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-31 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-31 Pub. Date: 2017-12-31
Image Number: 166075
Caption: Susan told me you finally got a doctor appointment, bruh, 'bout that heart problem you probably got … She also told me your doctor name. Canada or bust! I don't know what you're talking about, Clyde. When we was four, you told the preschool you was allergic to Mrs. Cass so they'd have to transfer you to Mr. Kirk's class. When we was nine, you fell in love with that new girl Lois Lane as soon as you heard Mrs. Drake read her name at roll call. When you know, you just know. In college, you took that advanced kelp studies class 'cause it was taught by a "Professor Xavier." I don't know what you're getting at, I've always been fascinated with aquatic plants. Tell me you ain't choose this cardiologist just 'cause his name "Doctor Hu."
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-30 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-30 Pub. Date: 2017-12-30
Image Number: 166538
Caption: Hi, momma. What? Oh, no thanks, I don't need a roommate. (Sigh) … No, I don't care how wise and kind his posts are on your Facebook newsfeed. You did what? You gave him my address and told him he could stay with me until Uzbekistan extradites him? (Sigh) ... No, that's not what extradite means. (Sigh) ... Momma, you're not supposed to meet your random Facebook friends in real life. It's a rule ... You did what?
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-28 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-28 Pub. Date: 2017-12-28
Image Number: 166536
Caption: I saw that review of The Last Jedi you posted, Big L. You need to cut that out. You said it made you feel like a kid again. You said Luke Skywalker was amazing. You said it was the bet thing since Empire. Then I saw the movie. That spit was the worst thing since Phantom Menace. Your Jedi mind tricks ain't gonna change that. A positive review isn't a Jedi mind trick just 'cause you disagree with it. Your headline was this is the Star Wars you're looking for.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-21 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-21 Pub. Date: 2017-12-21
Image Number: 166286
Caption: Date-a-Chick.com. Suggestion: Write about a romantic dream you recently experienced. Date-a-Chick.com. Profile: I dreamt I was walking along a beach … Date-a-Chick.com. Profile: … hand in hand with a beluga whale. Which is odd for a few reasons. Date-a-Chick.com. Error: Excessive honesty detected. Please try again.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-19 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-19 Pub. Date: 2017-12-19
Image Number: 166284
Caption: I went out with this book agent last week and told him some stories about work. Then he tried to get me to write a novel based on it. Awesome! I've written three, you know. If you need any advice, just come to me. I could walk you through it. Share my expertise. Writing a novel is a long, hard process. Takes about six months to a year. I'll guide you through it, 'cause you're my best friends and I love you. I finished it last week. I hate you with a passion.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-18 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-18 Pub. Date: 2017-12-18
Image Number: 166283
Caption: What's your IQ, Clyde? Why you wanna know, Big L? If I say my IQ 108, you gonna think what I have to say ain't worth spit? An' if I say my IQ be 152 … what then, you gonna suddenly imbue erethang I say wit' fifteen layers of meaning, an' question what you always thought was out dynamic? I think I'd like to do with the 108. Good call, Big L.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-17 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-17 Pub. Date: 2017-12-17
Image Number: 165540
Caption: I have to tell you, I'm pretty freaked out by all the Terminator death robots Boston Dynamics has been developing. You too? Of course. Have you seen that Youtube video of their headless wolf-creature murder-bot? About 100 times. Have you seen the humanoid one with a soulless face and wheel-feet that's agile and quick enough to catch you no matter how fast you run? What ... are you scared? Snowflake. What the -- you're the one who brought it all up! Do you have a link proving I brought it up? A "link"? This is real life, not the internet. I heard it! That's my proof.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-15 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-15 Pub. Date: 2017-12-15
Image Number: 166005
Caption: Ok, I'll go with you to see "Star Wars." But I'm not dressing up as Princess Leia this time. Too painful. I don't want to go to the ladies room, catch a glimpse of my Leia hairbuns, and start crying. I know exactly how you feel. I'm not dressing as Han Solo this time, either. Harrison Ford is still alive. Han Solo wasn't a real person, Lemont. It's not the same. Yeah, but Carrie Fisher's the one I'll see onscreen. In a way, she's still alive too.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-13 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-13 Pub. Date: 2017-12-13
Image Number: 166003
Caption: What's wrong with you? Maybe it's the looming holidays, Rosencrantz. What does it bespeak of society that they've set aside that they've set aside a certain span of days on the calendar in which to be nice to one another? Am I the only one perturbed by a straitjacket of forced niceties people wrap themselves in? ... Am I the only one who so much as notices it? I told you, Tyrone, just because I got you something doesn't mean you have to get me something. See? Any other time of year, you'd whine about it! They got you too!
     
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