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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-19 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-19 Pub. Date: 2017-10-19
Image Number: 163905
Caption: I'm tired of liberals using every mass shooting as an excuse to talk about having more gun regulations. Cars kill far more people than guns! Booze kills more people than gun! Tobacco kills more people than guns! Medical malpractice kills a lot more people than guns! You know that's why we regulate the heck out of all those things, right? I don't see what that has to do with anything.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-15 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-15 Pub. Date: 2017-10-15
Image Number: 163143
Caption: Hello, you've reached Lowe an' Sharke Lending Club. This is Ryan. How may I hinder you? I just got an ad from you in the mail saying I'm pre-qualified for an $80,000 low-interest loan, with no collateral needed. That's right. All I need is for you to answer a few brief questions so we can see if you qualify. What do you mean? You said I was already pre-qualified. Doesn't "pre-qualified" mean I've been qualified already. No. It means you haven't been qualified yet. What the -- By that definition, everyone in the whole world is "pre-qualified"! That's incorrect, sir. There are about 101 billion post-living people who wouldn't qualify.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-11 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-11 Pub. Date: 2017-10-11
Image Number: 163630
Caption: Bruh, you gotta stop writing about "Star Track Discovery." Don't nobody like it. Get over it. "Trek." And it's a great show! It's just a vocal minority online that keep coming up with ridiculous reasons to hate it. They decided long before they ever saw it was gonna be horrible, and now they just don't want to be wrong. It's textbook case of confirmation bias! I knew you wasn't gonna make no sense, an' I was right.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-28 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-28 Pub. Date: 2017-09-28
Image Number: 163100
Caption: … So anyway, I had to fire an art director, a copywriter, a designer, a production artist and our web designer because of that donkey incident. That's too bad. But you did the right thing … you made the tough decision … "Always do what's best for the donkey," that's my motto. You know, I can tell when you haven't really been listening. What? I was totally listening! Then tell me what happened with the donkey. It's too atrocious for words. Nice try.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-21 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-21 Pub. Date: 2017-09-21
Image Number: 162851
Caption: How old was that microwave oven you sold me, anyway? Why? Well, when I heated up my midnight Hot Pocket, I stood before the unit staring into its window, as I'm wont to do. When it dinged, I took out my savory snack, fastened my bib, and turned around to find that my shadow had been burned into the wall. It might be a little old. I want my $5 back, with interest.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-18 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-18 Pub. Date: 2017-09-18
Image Number: 162848
Caption: But I can't get rid of it. Momma told me it belonged to my father, and to his father before him. I never knew either of them. Susan, the only family heirloom I have from them are my hat, my antique pocket watch and this. A microwave oven is not a "family heirloom," Lemont. Get rid of it. But Grandpa Brown warmed up his rations with it during the Korean War. It's time, Lemont.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-16 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-16 Pub. Date: 2017-09-16
Image Number: 162602
Caption: Everyone goes through this at one time or another, Lemont. It's important not to worry about what other people think of you, if you know you're doing the right thing. It's important to get to a place of self-confidence. Self-assurance. Peace. Whatever. I still think your new "get your 10th psychosis treated free" punchcards make you look tacky. And yet I'm at peace with that.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-15 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-15 Pub. Date: 2017-09-15
Image Number: 162601
Caption: Six months, bruh. Six months till they start deporting 800,000 "dreamers" to countries they don't know how to live in. I dug a hole in my closet an' I got canned food. I'm ready. Ready for what? Ain't you never read "Anne Frank's Diary"? What are you asking: Have I read it, or have I never read it? You and your double negatives. Ain't you never heard of the Underground Railroad? Now you're just messing with me.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-12 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-12 Pub. Date: 2017-09-12
Image Number: 162598
Caption: This is Nightly News with Martin Niemoller. First they came for the travelers from Muslim countries … then they came for the Latino criminals who were here illegally. Then they came for legal immigrants who don't know English. Then they came for the hard-working, decent, productive Latinos who were brought here illegally as kids and know no other country. That's too bad. Hey, I feel like a ham sandwich. Hey wait, you might want to hear the rest of this ...
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-04 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-04 Pub. Date: 2017-09-04
Image Number: 162342
Caption: Hello, momma. You've reached the home of Lemont Brown. I can't come to the phone right now because I let myself in, and I'm standing right behind you with a big bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates, all for you … unless I got stuck in traffic, in which case forget you heard this. Beep.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-01 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-01 Pub. Date: 2017-09-01
Image Number: 162091
Caption: Hey, Clyde. Wanna go hang out on the roof? Don’t you do that with Susan? Where she at? She's not talking to me right now. I told her I couldn't just take Joss Whedon's wife's account of their marriage at face value, because people sometimes don't tell the entire truth. Them's your mistake, bruh. You shoulda had just one thing to say 'bout the whole issue: "I don't care 'bout that." I think that's a dangerous philosophy. If something's in the news we've got to care. Wanna know why? I don't care 'bout that.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-30 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-30 Pub. Date: 2017-08-30
Image Number: 162089
Caption: What do you mean you don't take Joss Whedon's ex-wife's article at face value? She wrote that he cheated on her for years. That settles everything. No it doesn't. All we heard is her side of the story. And she said at one point she moved away from her personal values to get closer to him. What does that mean. I'll tell you what it might mean: It might mean she knew more than she's letting on, but she was ok with it all the way until he decided to divorce her. Only then did she go back and rewrite history to portray herself as the totally unsuspecting victim. Is this about how your ex lied to the court about you? Is this about how your ex cheated on you?
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-27 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-27 Pub. Date: 2017-08-27
Image Number: 161361
Caption: Excuse me, sir, if it's not too much trouble … Hi, Democrats. What can I get you? Coffee Sandwiches? An explanation. We introduced our bold new plan last month: "A Better Deal," but the progressives still aren't impressed. What more could they ask for? We focus-group tested the heck out of the slogan. It was the least objectionable and least un-inspiring of the bunch! It evokes FDR's "New Deal" and LBJ's "Fair Deal" without over-promising. We don't want to risk over-promising. It even sounded progressive! We mentioned tax credits to retrains workers, a $15 minimum wage (eventually), regulating prescription drug prices, and busting monopolies, maybe. We even said we'd think about forming a committee to consider considering sing-payer health care, among many other more corporate-donor-friendly options that aren't single-payer. And we introduced it with an editorial vowing not to expand government or move our party in one direction or another along the political spectrum. Bold! So why didn't that fire up the progressive base? ... Hello?
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-26 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-26 Pub. Date: 2017-08-26
Image Number: 161805
Caption: I saw all them tweets you made this mornin' about how both sides need to come together … about how even though both sides have very different views of what our defining principles ought to be, we should respect each other. I was almost with you right till the last tweet, which don't make no sense, bruh. #startrekdiscovery fans + #oldschooltrek fans, stop the madness! is pretty self-explanatory, Clyde. What language is you even speaking?
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-23 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-23 Pub. Date: 2017-08-23
Image Number: 161802
Caption: C-Dog ain't worried 'bout no white supremacists. Why not, Clyde? 'Cause they want a race war. An' the way things going, they just might get it. But you know what? The vast majority of white people won't be on the side. Hm. You've got a point. To win with such small numbers, supremacists would have to take over key positions in government, the courts, an' all the police departments first. That'd never happen. I hate sarcasm.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-22 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-22 Pub. Date: 2017-08-22
Image Number: 161801
Caption: I posted an article on Candorville.com about how the terms "cuck," "beta," SJW" and "virtue-signalling" were essential to the resurgence of white supremacists. It's an old Nazi tactic from the 1930s. When you beliefs are morally indefensible, just label those who oppose you with belittling code words ... code words that make opposing you seen uncool. They also popularized "libtard", "snowflake," "white genocide," "neoreactionary multiculturalist" ... "Neoreactionary multiculturalist"? They considered shortening it to "Nemo," but then they heard Disney was litigious.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-21 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-21 Pub. Date: 2017-08-21
Image Number: 161800
Caption: You remember that racist KKK/Nazi/White-supremacist rally in Charlottesville? 'Course, bruh. I think I may have really touched all those people I usually argue with online. Ever since that terrorist rally, every time I write that there's nothing wrong with having lots of women and minorities on the new Star Trek show, not a single person has dismissed me as a "cuck" or a "beta" or a "virtue-signaller" or a "social justice warrior." You think maybe because of Charlottesville, all the social injustice warriors have had an awakening? Nah, they probably just on vacation, like Congress.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-17 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-17 Pub. Date: 2017-08-17
Image Number: 161534
Caption: Hello, me, I'm you form the future. I've come back in time to ask you to do a wider variety of activities. Go visit seedy bars in foreign lands and get into misadventures with the locals, become a reality tv star and then run for office. Go live amongst the Aborigines in Australia and when you return, try to smuggle a kangaroo past customs. Anything! Our grandkids are tired of hearing the same five stories over and over again, is that I'm saying. Zzzzz.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-13 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-13 Pub. Date: 2017-08-13
Image Number: 160919
Caption: Hi momma … What do you mean you've been deported? … Yes, yes, I do know about your love for bean pie. What's that have to do with … Really? ICE raided Muhammad's Bean Pie Shack? … But why would they think you weren't a citizen? … So what if you didn't have ID! This is Ameri -- They did what? They asked you questions to make you prove you're a citizen? ... What questions? ... I see. Listen, momma, when armed goons handcuff you and demand that you tell them who the president it, I don't care what your politics are, you don't answer "Donald Duck." ... Yes, momma, I do see the similarities. But the time for political satire is before they come for you. Not during. Yes, I am flossing regular -- Momma, let me call a lawyer -- Yes, I know, but Cousin Pookie is a divorce attorney. No, it's not the same --
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-11 with 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-11 Pub. Date: 2017-08-11
Image Number: 161295
Caption: What we gotta go anywhere else for? Y'all can have your Norways an' Canadas an' Denmarks … if you need to be "happy" an' "educated" an' "health-cared" an' not shot or locked up in a private prison. All y'all soft bruthas can move if you want to, but C-Dog ain't 'fraid of hard-livin'. I'm not running away, Clyde, I just want us to measure up to every other civilized country. You want a unicorn with that, or just a pony?
     
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