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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-01 wife 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-01 Pub. Date: 2017-09-01
Image Number: 162091
Caption: Hey, Clyde. Wanna go hang out on the roof? Don’t you do that with Susan? Where she at? She's not talking to me right now. I told her I couldn't just take Joss Whedon's wife's account of their marriage at face value, because people sometimes don't tell the entire truth. Them's your mistake, bruh. You shoulda had just one thing to say 'bout the whole issue: "I don't care 'bout that." I think that's a dangerous philosophy. If something's in the news we've got to care. Wanna know why? I don't care 'bout that.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-30 wife 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-30 Pub. Date: 2017-08-30
Image Number: 162089
Caption: What do you mean you don't take Joss Whedon's ex-wife's article at face value? She wrote that he cheated on her for years. That settles everything. No it doesn't. All we heard is her side of the story. And she said at one point she moved away from her personal values to get closer to him. What does that mean. I'll tell you what it might mean: It might mean she knew more than she's letting on, but she was ok with it all the way until he decided to divorce her. Only then did she go back and rewrite history to portray herself as the totally unsuspecting victim. Is this about how your ex lied to the court about you? Is this about how your ex cheated on you?
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-29 wife 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-29 Pub. Date: 2017-08-29
Image Number: 162088
Caption: I read that article you wrote about how DC bringing Joss Whedon to "lighten up" the Justice League movie is endemic of America's refusal to confront harsh realities. How could you, Lemont? What, you don’t agree? Remember how upset America got when Batman V. Superman didn't have enough jokes amidst all the carnage? No, I mean how could you write anything about the philandering cad after his wife published an article about how he cheated on her for 15 years! Don't say anything if you know what's good for you. I think this is a debate I can win.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-21 wife 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-21 Pub. Date: 2017-03-21
Image Number: 155914
Caption: The judge gave me full custody of Lionel and gave Roxanne no visitation rights. But I thought it was important for my son to have his mother in his life too. And she is the mother of my son, so I care about her. So I've been taking him to visit her once a week. I'm not sure how to tell her I'm taking Lionel and moving to Canada. Is it even her business, if I have full custody? I never really know how to break sad news to people I care about. Wait ... you're moving to Canada??
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-20 wife 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-20 Pub. Date: 2017-03-20
Image Number: 155913
Caption: I got a panicky call from Lionel's mother last night. She wanted to see him right that moment. But I told her Lionel was fast asleep, partly 'cause her tone worried me. She had one of those "I'm an evil vampire and I'm going to take your precious child and perform some ritual incantation that'll turn him into an evil blood-sucking vampire just like me" tones. I'm not sure there's really any "tone" like that, Lemont. That's because you've never kept in touch with an ex.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-13 wife 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-13 Pub. Date: 2017-03-13
Image Number: 155652
Caption: My wife keeps trying to get me to stop drinking, stop smoking, stop yelling at the kids … stop forgetting her birthday, stop insulting her mother, and stop leaving the seat up. So I told her "if you really love someone, you don't try to fundamentally transform them." And what'd she say? She said I could fundamentally transform the couch into my bed. Time.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-11 wife 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-11 Pub. Date: 2017-03-11
Image Number: 155384
Caption: I'm sick of my wife being such a jerk. Take the other day: She was working, and I reached over her to grab something. I accidentally knocked over her cup, spilling coffee all over her, her keyboard, her desk, and her treadmill. She yelled "Aaagh! What the -- " really loudly and acted like it was a big deal. Did you apologize? I would have, but her yelling like that was inconsiderate. So I told her off. Coffee wasn't even hot. What was her problem?
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-19 wife 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-19 Pub. Date: 2017-02-19
Image Number: 154023
Caption: What brings you back to therapy? I have a tough time figuring out whom to trust. I read on Facebook that Hillary Clinton was part of a secret group that baked little kittens into pies. And I believed it. But then I read on my Twitter that Facebook was full of fake news, so I believed that and stopped believing the kitten pie story. Then someone at my wife's work sent me an anonymous email telling me she was cheating on me, and I believed it. But then she told me not to worry because the guys she takes weekly business trips with is gay ... and I believed it. I think I have some horrible disorder where I believe whatever the last person told me. I don't think so. Me neither.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-09 wife 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-09 Pub. Date: 2017-01-09
Image Number: 153086
Caption: Taxville Tax Preparation. Put us down as "married, filing miserable."
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-22 wife 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-22 Pub. Date: 2016-11-22
Image Number: 151295
Caption: 1982. Lemont, if neither of us is in love with anyone by the time we're 40, wanna marry each other? Only on one condition. You'd have to agree to give me space whenever I need it. It's important for a man to be able to be alone with his thoughts and his comic books. Also, you'd have to sign an agreement promising you'll watch Star Trek with me at least once a week, even if you're not in the mood. That makes two conditions. Also, you'll have to agree not to ever bring up math.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-16 wife 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-16 Pub. Date: 2016-10-16
Image Number: 149095
Caption: It's like he's not even the same man I married. Dr. Noodle. How so? He used to mow the lawn every week. Sometimes every day. Sometimes even three or four times a day. He used to come home from work, go straight into the shed, whip out that lawn mower and ride around on the grass for hours and hours and hours. It was a new lawn mower. I was excited about it. But now it doesn't run as well as it used to. Have you thought of getting pills? They make pills to keep Kentucky Bluegrass from getting overgrown? What? What? If it's so important to you, go get someone else to mow it.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-25 wife 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-25 Pub. Date: 2016-09-25
Image Number: 148272
Caption: It all started when I considered voting for Donald Trump. He's against illegal immigration. I'm against illegal immigration. So why not? People said that made him racist. But I agree with him, and I know I'm not racist. And if people were wrong to call him "racist" about that, maybe they're wrong to call him racist about everything. I started arguing with my own wife. I said demanding Obama's birth certificate wasn't racist. I said wanting to ban all Muslim immigrants wasn't racist. Trump saying a judge couldn't do his job because he's Mexican-American? I said that wasn't racist. I said the fact he kept retweeting white supremacists wasn't racist. But yesterday ... I caught myself saying "What's so racist about white supremacists anyway?" You're worried that supporting Trump is desensitizing you to racism? No, I just wondered if I can bunk here tonight. My wife kicked me out.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-25 wife 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-25 Pub. Date: 2016-06-25
Image Number: 144902
Caption: Sir, I just found out Gary earns 15% more than I do. I'd like an explanation. Well, it's simple, Garcia: Gary has a wife to support. You don't. That's why he's paid more.. Seriously, sir? That explanations the worst. But earlier you said you'd "like" it. You lied. And you wonder why Gary's paid more.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-03-26 wife 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-03-26 Pub. Date: 2016-03-26
Image Number: 140813
Caption: Taxville Tax Preparation. Can I claim my husband as a dependent since he never picks up after himself?
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-01-24 wife 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-01-24 Pub. Date: 2016-01-24
Image Number: 137727
Caption: I told my wife all about us, Jenny, and she left me. That means we can finally be together, like we wanted. All the things we dreamed about over Facebook can finally come true. We can finally take that long walk along the beach make love under the night sky on a bed of roses ... dress like big teddy bears and mud-wrestle ... All the beautiful things that we alone dared to dream are finally about to happen, Jenny. No ... this isn't Robert ... No ... this isn't Sam ... Jenny, are you joking with m -- No, this isn't Randy ...
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-01-03 wife 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-01-03 Pub. Date: 2016-01-03
Image Number: 136827
Caption: I get tired of everything, doc. And I mean EVERYTHING. Dr. Noodle. I used to love classical music, but now I can't stand it. I got tired of my wife and kids, so I left and found a new wife and had new kids. Then I got tired of them and tried going back to the old ones. But there was a new guy there. So I tried going back to the new ones, but they told me to get lost. I got tired of DirectTV so I switched to Dish Network. Let's go back to your wife and kids. Unless you're tired of that topic. I think I'd like to try a new therapist.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-12-13 wife 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-12-13 Pub. Date: 2015-12-13
Image Number: 135929
Caption: Lately you've been moody and distant. I keep asking you what's wrong and you keep saying I'm just imagining it. But I'm not crazy. Whatever it is, you can tell me. I'm your wife. I love you. I'll understand. Don't fall for it. As long as you're totally honest with me, I would respect you and love you and we could work it out, no matter how bad it is. Don't fall for it. Ok (sigh) here goes ... There's someone else.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-08-20 wife 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-08-20 Pub. Date: 2015-08-20
Image Number: 131277
Caption: I'd hate to be Bill if Bernie takes the nomination away from Hillary. How do you comfort your spouse when she gets trounced by obscure guys who came out of nowhere Twice? She's grown. She'd get over it. He'd have to make sure he never said the words "tortoise" or "hare" again.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-08-11 wife 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-08-11 Pub. Date: 2015-08-11
Image Number: 130934
Caption: Robin Thicke's new girlfriend looks an awful lot like his ex-wife Paula Patton. That's so textbook. Textbook? It's right out of chapter 7 of The Guy's Guide to Breakups by Randy "The Rock" Taylor. Chapter 7's called "You Can't Miss Her if You're Dating Her Clone." I really don't want to talk about Robin Thicke. I'm trying to give you a head's up, Susan. Every man's a little bit Thicke.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-07-11 wife 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-07-11 Pub. Date: 2015-07-11
Image Number: 129286
Caption: I can't believe your son's almost three, and I've still never met him. When I won custody, my ex agreed not to appeal the decision as long as Lionel's never in your presence. Roxanne doesn't want Lionel to know there are women out there who're much nicer than she it. Yeah, well it's awful that she singled me out. She didn't. Legally, I'm only allowed to date ladies I meet on stuckupharpy.com.
     
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