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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-24 when 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-24 Pub. Date: 2017-10-24
Image Number: 164148
Caption: Hobbler Day Care. Saul Crusher speaking. Yeah, I'm Lemont Brown. Lionel's dad … Yeah, two-year-old Lionel. He told me you said he was "bad" because he didn't want to go to sleep at nap time. When you tell a kid so early in his life that he's "bad," it affects how he sees himself. I don't pay you $500 per week to ruin my baby boy's self-esteem. When I say "you're a bad caregiver," how does that feel? Imagine if you were only two.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-22 when 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-22 Pub. Date: 2017-10-22
Image Number: 163428
Caption: Dear "Journalist," your latest article is highly offensive and fake. You attacked those of us who accuse black NFL players of being "ungrateful" when they protest state-sanctioned racism. You said WE were the ungrateful ones. You wrote "You should be grateful to the 'ungrateful black protestors' throughout history, who've always reminded us what this country is supposed to stand for. 'Ungrateful' protestors like Martin Luther King, Jr ... Like Muhammad Ali ... and like Crispus Attucks, the 'ungrateful' black guy whose 'ungrateful' protest in Boston led to him becoming the first man to die in the Revolutionary War." You've totally exaggerated the worth of those so-called "protestors." I'm supposed to think they're heroes just because they got SHOT? First of all, sir, Muhammad Ali never got sh -- Wait ... Donald Trump? Is this you? Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap. I like people who weren't shot.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-20 when 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-20 Pub. Date: 2017-10-20
Image Number: 163906
Caption: We're not done mourning the last mass shooting, so it's inappropriate to talk about gun control. It's too soon. Seriously? We're averaging almost one mass shooting per day. When exactly will it be appropriate to talk about it? I believe there's and opening between 11:58pm and 11:58 and 22 seconds.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-17 when 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-17 Pub. Date: 2017-10-17
Image Number: 163903
Caption: If all them hundreds of mass shootings was bein' done by black men, we'd be confiscating guns tomorrow. When white people arm theyselves so they can defend against the government, people call 'em "patriots." When black people do it, like the Black Panthers did, the same people call them "terrorists." This country ain't color-blind dog, it's color-blinded. You're much less depressing when you just talk about french fries.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-14 when 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-14 Pub. Date: 2017-10-14
Image Number: 163633
Caption: When I was four, Rosencrantz, I was convinced the world only existed when I was looking at it. A blank expanse of nothingness lurked beyond every corner, until I rounded it and my mind brought another vista into being. Imagine my shock and my jealousy when, decades later, the scientist Robert Lanza proposed the very same idea, to great acclaim. But then I remembered that Robert Lanza didn't exist until I conjured him from the ether, so the acclaim belongs to me after all. Wouldn't it belong to whoever conjured you?
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-04 when 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-04 Pub. Date: 2017-10-04
Image Number: 163372
Caption: Susan, remember when that hurricane decimated Puerto Rico? Remember how the president immediately sent the Navy, lobbied Congress for an emergency funding bill, made it easy for refugees to reach the mainland, and moved heaven and earth to restore power to the island's hospitals? Wait ... are you being sarcastic? And remember how the media covered it just as much as they did Houston?
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-03 when 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-03 Pub. Date: 2017-10-03
Image Number: 163371
Caption: I wonder why people didn't seem to care as much about the devastation in Puerto Rico as they did about Houston. You serious, bruh? How old you is, six? Seven? Is you even potty trained yet? Or was you asleep the last two years when the country elected a white supremacist for president? It's not always about race. Sometimes it's just about laziness. Five. I think you five.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-28 when 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-28 Pub. Date: 2017-09-28
Image Number: 163100
Caption: … So anyway, I had to fire an art director, a copywriter, a designer, a production artist and our web designer because of that donkey incident. That's too bad. But you did the right thing … you made the tough decision … "Always do what's best for the donkey," that's my motto. You know, I can tell when you haven't really been listening. What? I was totally listening! Then tell me what happened with the donkey. It's too atrocious for words. Nice try.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-24 when 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-24 Pub. Date: 2017-09-24
Image Number: 162394
Caption: I can't shake the feeling that nothing is really real, doc. Dr. Noodle. I just got my doctorate in history. And I watch the news every day. And I've started feeling like I've wasted my whole life studying things that never happened. I mean, if everything I see happening right now is "fake," how am I supposed to trust history? How am I supposed to know that Mussolini or Napoleon or Genghis Khan or Robespierre or Caligula were ever really all that bad? Maybe all the journalists and scribes who chronicled their reigns were part of an age-old fake-news conspiracy dating all the way back to the days of Peisistratos? I see. When exactly did these doubts begin? Oh, about 546 B.C.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-22 when 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-22 Pub. Date: 2017-09-22
Image Number: 162852
Caption: Even after all these years, momma still won't tell me who my father is. All I know is, she met him when she was a waitress at a casino in Vegas, back in the seventies. I feel like she owes it to me to tell me. Your mom gave you life, raised you all by herself, worked from sunup to sundown to give you everything you needed ... Yeah, she really does "owe" you something. Glad you agree.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-21 when 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-21 Pub. Date: 2017-09-21
Image Number: 162851
Caption: How old was that microwave oven you sold me, anyway? Why? Well, when I heated up my midnight Hot Pocket, I stood before the unit staring into its window, as I'm wont to do. When it dinged, I took out my savory snack, fastened my bib, and turned around to find that my shadow had been burned into the wall. It might be a little old. I want my $5 back, with interest.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-20 when 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-20 Pub. Date: 2017-09-20
Image Number: 162850
Caption: All children go through a crisis when they first realize their parents aren't perfect. Tell me about it. Dr. Noodle. After Lionel calmed down, I convinced him I wasn't purposely trying to kill the neighbor by selling him a microwave that might cause cancer ... or at least I thought I did. That night, flashing lights and a siren woke me from a deep slumber. I looked out the window ad say the police and the coroner were at the neighbor's apartment. It's a good idea to hide the phone for the duration of the crisis. Scribble scrib - Lionel later told be he'd called anonymously, using the name "Daniel Tiger," so I wouldn't get locked up. He's so smart.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-19 when 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-19 Pub. Date: 2017-09-19
Image Number: 162849
Caption: When my little boy got home from day care and found out I'd sold the microwave, he started sobbing. Dr. Noodle. He asked who bought it. I said "a neighbor." He whimpered and blubbered "But I don't want the neighbor to have it! I want us to have it!" M.A ... I tried to make him feel better by telling him it's best not to have one anyway, because all microwaves leak radiation and that can cause cancer ... and that's when your son accused you of trying to murder your neighbor? I never realized how horrible a person I was until my son started asking questions.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-10 when 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-10 Pub. Date: 2017-09-10
Image Number: 161858
Caption: My uncle keeps sending me crazy, paranoid conspiracy theories he hears on Youtube. Dr. Noodle. It all started a few years ago when he sent me an email about how the victims of the Hindenburg crash were all crisis actors. These same victims died on the Titanic! He wrote. Then he told me President Obama was setting up Femur Camps, where he'd be letting the Illuminati harvest our femur bones for voodoo incantations to turn all our frogs into insomniacs. When I asked him why on earth would anyone want to do that? he said I had been brainwashed by the cabal that runs both the fake news and the pepperoni industries. So I replied why would they waste their time brainwashing me? What would they gain from that? Does your uncle have a hobby? Get him to refer uncle!!! $$$$$$$ ... because it's possible that you're his hobby. He said they've brainwashed me into thinking there's nothing to gain from brainwashing me.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-07 when 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-07 Pub. Date: 2017-09-07
Image Number: 162345
Caption: Tyrone, in all the decades we've known each other, I've never once heard you sing. I sing all the time, Rosencrantz. When I see a child smile, my hearts sings. When I find a tasty burger in the dumpster, my taste buds sing. Those who sing on the inside don't have to sing on the outside. Lean on me ... when you're not strong, I'll be your ... Stop being an exhibitionist. Spare change?
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-06 when 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-06 Pub. Date: 2017-09-06
Image Number: 162344
Caption: What're we doing here, Rosencrantz? Do you ever ask yourself that? No. When I ask myself questions aloud, I very rarely refer to myself in third person. Rosencrantz doesn’t like that.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-03 when 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-03 Pub. Date: 2017-09-03
Image Number: 161589
Caption: If Democrats know what's good for them, they'll move further right. That's how they can win elections. All my conservative friends agree. And we tell that to every Democrat we see every chance we get. That's very considerate of you, to help out the opposition like that. Oh, I've always been considerate. When I was a small child, I used to let other kids copy my test answers before I changed them to the right ones. Wait ... what was that? What was what? You said you let kids copy your wrong answers before you changed them to the right answers. Did I? I don't think so. You did. It's exactly what you just said you did. If you know what's good for you, you'll just passively accept what others say without thinking too much about it. Let me guess: Your class was graded on a curve?
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-31 when 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-31 Pub. Date: 2017-08-31
Image Number: 162090
Caption: I got into a Twitter feud wit @joanwalsh. @davidshuster asked her and @joyannreid to apologize for using the term "alt left." I backed him up. When they and @govhowarddean used the term against progressives, they helped validate it. And that helps @realdonaldtrump neutralize the toxicity of the term "alt right" ... which makes it harder to fight white supremacy. I think I won. I'm going to give @govhowarddean a piece of my mind too. Are you @trying to @change-the-subject because you're @losing the @argument about @josswhedon's @divorce? It's just @joss. And I'm @changing-the-subject because it's @none-of-our-business.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-29 when 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-29 Pub. Date: 2017-08-29
Image Number: 162088
Caption: I read that article you wrote about how DC bringing Joss Whedon to "lighten up" the Justice League movie is endemic of America's refusal to confront harsh realities. How could you, Lemont? What, you don’t agree? Remember how upset America got when Batman V. Superman didn't have enough jokes amidst all the carnage? No, I mean how could you write anything about the philandering cad after his wife published an article about how he cheated on her for 15 years! Don't say anything if you know what's good for you. I think this is a debate I can win.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-22 when 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-22 Pub. Date: 2017-08-22
Image Number: 161801
Caption: I posted an article on Candorville.com about how the terms "cuck," "beta," SJW" and "virtue-signalling" were essential to the resurgence of white supremacists. It's an old Nazi tactic from the 1930s. When you beliefs are morally indefensible, just label those who oppose you with belittling code words ... code words that make opposing you seen uncool. They also popularized "libtard", "snowflake," "white genocide," "neoreactionary multiculturalist" ... "Neoreactionary multiculturalist"? They considered shortening it to "Nemo," but then they heard Disney was litigious.
     
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