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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-11 we 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-11 Pub. Date: 2017-12-11
Image Number: 166001
Caption: Have you ever been to thetruesize.com? No. What's that? The maps we all use distort the sizes of the countries. The sizes are way off. That site lets you drag countries around to see how big they really are. Turns out Japan's as big as the entire east coast of the U.S. Brazil is almost as big as the United States. All of Africa is bigger than the U.S., India, Western Europe, Argentina and China combined. Same principle works for money. If you drag my seemingly tiny bank account around the globe, I'm actually super rich. Dios mio.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-10 we 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-10 Pub. Date: 2017-12-10
Image Number: 165352
Caption: I've been racking my brain trying to think of every interaction I've ever had with a woman. Dr. Noodle. I mean, when I was in my twenties, I did what guys in their twenties often did: I hit on women. Lots of them. We used to think that if a lady wasn’t interested, we just weren't trying hard enough. There were books about how to be more clever. How to be a pickup artist. There were times at the club when I was dancing with a lady, thought I had a shot, and went in for a kiss. Sometimes they didn't even know they were into me until I kissed them. But then they kissed back. Other times, they pushed me off and that was that ... or so I thought. Now, at any moment, some random woman could come forward and ruin my life. Well, lets start by acknowledging it's a healthy thing for society that men are learning what it's like to live in fear, for a change. Doesn't feel healthy.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-08 we 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-08 Pub. Date: 2017-12-08
Image Number: 165707
Caption: Some cat said "Merry Christmas" to me. I didn't hear him 'cause I had my earbuds on, listenin' to old Biz Markie tracks. So I didn't say nothin' back. Then this fool got in my face talkin' bout there a "War on Christmas." I told him what the @#$% you talkin' bout, bruh? There a war e'ry day. We been at war ever since my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard was on the radio in '03. What" What?
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-06 we 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-06 Pub. Date: 2017-12-06
Image Number: 165705
Caption: Of course they gon' kill net neutrality, Big L. So what we won't be able to visit any site we want to online anymore. Nothin' good last forever, bruh. It's like that old Doctor Zeus book said … Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. I don't think Doctor Seuss meant we should apply that to our freedom. Freedom just an illusion, bruh, like parking tickets.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-05 we 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-05 Pub. Date: 2017-12-05
Image Number: 165704
Caption: Am I paranoid, doc? I interviewed FCC Chairman Ajit Pai the other day … Dr. Noodle. I asked why he's so bent on killing net neutrality when it's the only thing stopping internet service providers from picking and choosing which websites we see. He said there's no evidence they do that. I said "Yeah, that's because net neutrality rules have forbidden them from doing that." All of a sudden our Skype conversation slowed to a crawl. First we should examine the possibility he was talking in slow motion just to mess with you.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-01 we 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-01 Pub. Date: 2017-12-01
Image Number: 165421
Caption: We're all the same. I don't know what you mean, bruh. I've been thinking about the "one electron theory." All electrons are identical. The best explanation for that is they're all the same exact electron. This single electron travels back and forth through time over and over again, forming everything that exists. The theory's been around for decades. Sometimes scientists think it's valid, other times they think it's nonsense. It goes back and forth ... just like the electron. If this all the case, you giving me $3 would be the same as you keeping your $2.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-22 we 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-22 Pub. Date: 2017-11-22
Image Number: 165149
Caption: Where do you think we'll be 3,000 years from now, Susan? Do you think we'll even be recognizable as human beings? Will we all have nanites coursing through our bodies repairing any damage and connecting us all to a hive mind? Will we have no bodies at all, and instead be sentient programs we uploaded to the cloud to escape some global catastrophe? Will we still like pizza? Pizza is eternal.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-19 we 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-19 Pub. Date: 2017-11-19
Image Number: 164467
Caption: Great-looking hair, made easy. Just dye. We now return to our program. How much time do I have to save the kitten, bring Timmy his inhaler, and defuse the nuclear bomb? You have a lot less time than you did before you started that sentence. We'll be back after these messages ... I'm rally psyched Little Tyrant Pizza's bringing the flavor with its new pecan guacamole dipping sauce! A guy, a beach, a skateboard. A girl bouncing in slow motion. And these corn chips that have nothing to do with any of that. Buy them. Six other commercials that go on so long that you don't remember what show you're watching. Going back to Netflixing everything. And now back to our show ... What were we doing? Defusing something or other, I think.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-17 we 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-17 Pub. Date: 2017-11-17
Image Number: 164874
Caption: Hello, you've reached Covered Candorville, Candorville's Affordable Care Act registry. Due to the outcome of the 2016 elections, this year's open enrollment period will be shorter than usual. Open enrollment for today begins in 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … We're sorry, you've missed today's open enrollment window. Wait ... what? What just happened? ... Hello?
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-13 we 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-13 Pub. Date: 2017-11-13
Image Number: 164870
Caption: The ultra right wing's frantic warnings saved this country from an ANTIFA apocalypse back on November 4th. (Sigh) No, they didn't. ANTIFA was going to try and overthrow the Trump government by violently taking over every street corner in America. (Sigh) No. They weren't. Right. That's 'cause they must've found out we were on to them. I personally showed up with my rifles just in case they tried anything, and that's why none of them tried anything. We stopped it. You're welcome. You didn't stop anyth -- ... They were never going to overthr -- (Sigh) ... Oh, never mind. Show some respect, you're talking to a veteran of November the fourth.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-07 we 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-07 Pub. Date: 2017-11-07
Image Number: 164650
Caption: I'm tired of people complaining about how the president's chief of staff, John Kelly, said Robert E. Lee was an "honorable man." So what if Robert E. Lee was a cruel, slave-beating, family separating white supremacist traitor who even kidnapped free black Pennsylvanians and brought them to the south as property? John Kelly's right, we can't judge people from back then by what people today think is right and wrong. Y'know, a lot of people thought it was wrong "back then." That's why there was a war. I don't see what that has to do with anything.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-02 we 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-02 Pub. Date: 2017-11-02
Image Number: 164418
Caption: All this talk about "Mars" is so stupid. We should fix the planet we already have before we go somewhere else. Talk about "stupid." Going to Mars could be the only thing that'll enable us to "fix" earth, because "necessity is the mother of invention." The technologies we develop to keep a Martian colony habitable could be applied here to clean up our own environment ... Um ... I lost you at "talk about stupid," didn't I? I'm warming up to the thought of going to Mars.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-31 we 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-31 Pub. Date: 2017-10-31
Image Number: 164416
Caption: Someday we'll develop a telescope powerful enough to see other worlds. That's setting ourselves up for heartache. You know what I mean? No. But I bet you'll geeksplain it to me. Imagine we fall in love with a cute alien panda-bunny we see bouncing through trees on a planet that's 500 light years away. That means we're seeing what it did 500 years ago, That means it's dead now. See? You did it. You owe me $2. That's not how bets work. I bet it is.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-28 we 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-28 Pub. Date: 2017-10-28
Image Number: 164152
Caption: I've read that by the time I'm an old man, we may be able to upload our consciousness into the cloud. Do you know what this means, Clyde? It means our generation may be the first to become immortal. We'd also become the first post-human generation. "Cloud-o-Sapiens" doesn't have the same ring to it, though. Wait ... me dyin' someday anyway is what make it easy to not care 'bout nobody opinion of me. Ain't this a blip.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-27 we 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-27 Pub. Date: 2017-10-27
Image Number: 164151
Caption: I wish I could visit the alternate universe were the Kennedy brothers had never been assassinated. In that universe, we never escalated in Vietnam, Nixon was never president, we never ended the Apollo program … I was born on the moon, Carter and Reagan were never presidents, so Iran never turned out to be what it is and we never helped create all these terrorists ... and "Chappelle's Show" never went off the air. You really need to let that go, Lemont.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-22 we 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-22 Pub. Date: 2017-10-22
Image Number: 163428
Caption: Dear "Journalist," your latest article is highly offensive and fake. You attacked those of us who accuse black NFL players of being "ungrateful" when they protest state-sanctioned racism. You said WE were the ungrateful ones. You wrote "You should be grateful to the 'ungrateful black protestors' throughout history, who've always reminded us what this country is supposed to stand for. 'Ungrateful' protestors like Martin Luther King, Jr ... Like Muhammad Ali ... and like Crispus Attucks, the 'ungrateful' black guy whose 'ungrateful' protest in Boston led to him becoming the first man to die in the Revolutionary War." You've totally exaggerated the worth of those so-called "protestors." I'm supposed to think they're heroes just because they got SHOT? First of all, sir, Muhammad Ali never got sh -- Wait ... Donald Trump? Is this you? Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap. I like people who weren't shot.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-20 we 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-20 Pub. Date: 2017-10-20
Image Number: 163906
Caption: We're not done mourning the last mass shooting, so it's inappropriate to talk about gun control. It's too soon. Seriously? We're averaging almost one mass shooting per day. When exactly will it be appropriate to talk about it? I believe there's and opening between 11:58pm and 11:58 and 22 seconds.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-19 we 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-19 Pub. Date: 2017-10-19
Image Number: 163905
Caption: I'm tired of liberals using every mass shooting as an excuse to talk about having more gun regulations. Cars kill far more people than guns! Booze kills more people than gun! Tobacco kills more people than guns! Medical malpractice kills a lot more people than guns! You know that's why we regulate the heck out of all those things, right? I don't see what that has to do with anything.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-18 we 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-18 Pub. Date: 2017-10-18
Image Number: 163904
Caption: Sometimes I think "baby brain" is a real thing, Susan. Ever since I won custody of my son, I've been forgetting things. I've forgotten what I had for breakfast … I've forgotten whether I took a shower today … I can't believe you're blaming forgetting my birthday on your two-year-old kid. What are we talking about?
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-17 we 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-17 Pub. Date: 2017-10-17
Image Number: 163903
Caption: If all them hundreds of mass shootings was bein' done by black men, we'd be confiscating guns tomorrow. When white people arm theyselves so they can defend against the government, people call 'em "patriots." When black people do it, like the Black Panthers did, the same people call them "terrorists." This country ain't color-blind dog, it's color-blinded. You're much less depressing when you just talk about french fries.
     
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