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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-23 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-23 Pub. Date: 2018-09-23
Image Number: 173981
Caption: Hello, you've reached the Breakeezy warranty department. This is Ryan. How may I hinder you? Hi Ryan. I called last week to tell you the water dispenser on my Breakeezy refrigerator was stuck and pouring water all over my floor. I'd just bought a $400 extended warranty a month earlier. you sent out a repairman, and he fixed it. Then he sent me a bill for $200. He said you told him the repair wasn't covered by my policy! That's right. The fine print clearly states that we don't cover pre-existing problems. It broke a month after I bought the warranty! After!!! That's not pre-existing! The fine print's fine print clearly states that quantum theory suggests time may flow in both directions.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-05 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-05 Pub. Date: 2018-09-05
Image Number: 173881
Caption: .I don't know if I ever tol' you but … I used to cut Mr. T's hair back in the day. I don't brag about it much, but I'm the one who came up with his iconic hairstyle. Oh, he wasn't happy about it at first. But I said to Mr. T … Mr T? What some people call an accident, a wise man would call an opportunity ... Let me look in the mirror for a second. The mirrors are currently out of order.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-30 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-30 Pub. Date: 2018-05-30
Image Number: 171947
Caption: They removed me from the voter rolls too, Lemont. It's called vote caging. Yeah … This sort of thing happens to me all the time. In 2000, they said I couldn't vote because I was a convicted felon. But I wasn't. In 2004, all the voting machines at my precinct mysteriously failed, and then they said the paper ballots had been eaten by wild rabbits. In 2016, they said I was 3/8th of an inch shorter than my driver's license showed. I believe I warned you not to fib about that.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-18 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-18 Pub. Date: 2018-05-18
Image Number: 171505
Caption: Last week, I called NASA to ask why they'd suddenly canceled yet another moon mission Whachoomean another moon mission? You still believe we ever went to the moon? NASA say they erased the original footage so they could reuse the tape for other @#$%. You believe that, bruh? It could happen. I taped over my high school graduation by accident. I know you think highly of yourself, but your graduation wasn't the most important moment in the history of mankind.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-11 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-11 Pub. Date: 2018-05-11
Image Number: 171293
Caption: How come everyone leaves work early on Fridays, Clyde? People just have no work ethic. What ever happened to It ain't over 'til the f … um … I mean, what ever happened to It ain't over 'til it's over? What was you gonna say, Big L? Nothing that's become incredibly, horrendously outdated and offensive. you was gonna say 'Til the fat lady sing, wasn't you? Never.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-26 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-26 Pub. Date: 2018-04-26
Image Number: 170822
Caption: I really liked your article about the raid on Trump's lawyers office. Thanks, Susan. You know, I wasn't the first journalist to get Trump's lawyer's lawyer's statement. But I was the first to get Trump's lawyer's lawyer's lawyer's statement … through his lawyer, I mean. Dios mio.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-02-17 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-02-17 Pub. Date: 2018-02-17
Image Number: 168418
Caption: I realized this morning I'm not nineteen anymore, Susan. I was riding my bike faster than I had in years. I was flying! Pedaling hard and strong. I'd just hit warp speed … when an actual nineteen-year-old zoomed past me going twice as fast. He wasn't even breaking a sweat. I'm sure he was working hard too, Lemont. He was sipping a Slurpee and dribbling a basketball.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-28 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-28 Pub. Date: 2018-01-28
Image Number: 167088
Caption: Hi, I just got a notice that I owe $30k t the city in past freelance taxes. That's right. Because you didn't file as a business between 2007 and 2013. I wasn't a business. I was a reporter for a newspaper. They paid you with a 1099 instead of W-2. That makes you a business. They paid me with a 1099 so they could get away with not giving me benefits, and so they wouldn't have to give me paid time off! That doesn't mean I was running a business! Yes it does. I see you earned less than $100k per year. You wouldn't owe us anything if you filed for an exemption during the years you owed those taxes. You never told me this tax even existed! I'm not gonna pay you $30,000 for a tax I didn't owe just because you never told me I didn't owe it! You're right, sir. If you include the penalties, you're actually gonna pay us $38,000. You're going to make me become a Republican! You know that, right?! There's no special exemption for Republicans.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-16 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-16 Pub. Date: 2017-12-16
Image Number: 166006
Caption: Wow. The Last Jedi was such a good movie. I never saw an audience give a film a standing ovation before. Well, wait until Youtubers get ahold of it. Youtube's full of random people who think they're experts on film. They love to tear movies apart. They always say the same things, too: "It had pacing problems." Or "That moment wasn't earned." Or "That scene wasn't necessary." I'm thinking of starting Youtube channel where I give my critiques of people's critiques. Dios mio.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-15 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-15 Pub. Date: 2017-12-15
Image Number: 166005
Caption: Ok, I'll go with you to see "Star Wars." But I'm not dressing up as Princess Leia this time. Too painful. I don't want to go to the ladies room, catch a glimpse of my Leia hairbuns, and start crying. I know exactly how you feel. I'm not dressing as Han Solo this time, either. Harrison Ford is still alive. Han Solo wasn't a real person, Lemont. It's not the same. Yeah, but Carrie Fisher's the one I'll see onscreen. In a way, she's still alive too.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-11 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-11 Pub. Date: 2017-10-11
Image Number: 163630
Caption: Bruh, you gotta stop writing about "Star Track Discovery." Don't nobody like it. Get over it. "Trek." And it's a great show! It's just a vocal minority online that keep coming up with ridiculous reasons to hate it. They decided long before they ever saw it was gonna be horrible, and now they just don't want to be wrong. It's textbook case of confirmation bias! I knew you wasn't gonna make no sense, an' I was right.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-09 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-09 Pub. Date: 2017-10-09
Image Number: 163628
Caption: I was part of the press pool covering the president's visit to Puerto Rico. I covered the whole thing. The part where he gave his own response an A+ … the part where he threw supplies as if they were prizes at desperate survivors … the part where he told Puerto Ricans they were costing us a lot of money ... the part where he said it wasn't a "real" catastrophe like Hurricane Katrina ... the part where he said that finger the crowd used must be the Puerto Rican equivalent of a "thumbs-up" ... How come the article you wrote about it was called "Nailed It."?
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-30 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-30 Pub. Date: 2017-09-30
Image Number: 163102
Caption: Dear Lemon Brown: Unfortunately, we at Equifax must inform you that hackers breached our security weeks ago. Your social security number, address, credit history, and pants size may have been compromised. It appears the only personal information of yours that wasn't compromised was your signature. To sign up for our credit monitoring service, please sign here.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-20 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-20 Pub. Date: 2017-09-20
Image Number: 162850
Caption: All children go through a crisis when they first realize their parents aren't perfect. Tell me about it. Dr. Noodle. After Lionel calmed down, I convinced him I wasn't purposely trying to kill the neighbor by selling him a microwave that might cause cancer ... or at least I thought I did. That night, flashing lights and a siren woke me from a deep slumber. I looked out the window ad say the police and the coroner were at the neighbor's apartment. It's a good idea to hide the phone for the duration of the crisis. Scribble scrib - Lionel later told be he'd called anonymously, using the name "Daniel Tiger," so I wouldn't get locked up. He's so smart.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-15 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-15 Pub. Date: 2017-08-15
Image Number: 161532
Caption: Guess what? My iPhone 7 just started slowing down. Just a month or so before the iPhone 8 comes out. Remember when my iPhone 6 started slowing down? That was just about a month or so before the iphone 7 came out. You know … Apple lawyers can hear erethang you sayin' through Siri, bruh. *I am not necessarily implying any trickery or intentional wrongdoing on the part of Apple. I wasn't never here.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-09 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-09 Pub. Date: 2017-07-09
Image Number: 159502
Caption: It's hard to debunk the whole "fake news" thing when so-called "journalists" keep lying, or keep not correcting their "mistakes" take Joy-Ann Reid, for instance. Who she? She has a show on MSNBC. The other week, after that former Bernie-supporter shot at those congressmen ... somebody tweeted "too soon to mention Bernie owes his entire political career to the NRA? Particularly his support of assault rifles his R opponent decried?" "Journalist" Joy-Ann Reid retweeted that, adding "I hope we have the maturity as a country to confront facts like this at the same time we're thinking of victims and keeping level heads." But it wasn't a fact. Sanders opposed assault rifles. The NRA backed him in that one race to punish the Republican who'd just changed his position on assault rifles. A Vermont gun store owner said at the time, "At least [Bernie's] consistent" with his opposition to semi-automatic rifles. A simple Google search would've told her that, apparently Joy-Ann Reid doesn't even Joy-Ann read. This whole thing was so you could say that joke, wasn't it.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-17 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-17 Pub. Date: 2017-05-17
Image Number: 158078
Caption: I had a dream last night, Clyde. Want to hear about it? Not sure. Last time you told me 'bout one of your dreams, it was some sci-fi nonsense 'bout you travelin' back in time to save Abraham Lincoln. This one wasn't about time travel, it was about how Trump keeps firing everyone who says they have info on his Russia scandal. Well ... ok. Go. A woman named Harbinger traveled through time and across the multiverse to collect a team of awesome journalists who could uncover the truth. Stop.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-11 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-11 Pub. Date: 2017-04-11
Image Number: 156719
Caption: What was in that burrito you made? It's giving me serious heartburn. Whachoomean, dawg? Ain't nothin' in there I don't always put in there. That's a double negative. Are you saying there wasn't anything unusual in there, or are you saying there was? That questions don't make no sense. Now you're just messing with me.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-11 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-11 Pub. Date: 2017-03-11
Image Number: 155384
Caption: I'm sick of my wife being such a jerk. Take the other day: She was working, and I reached over her to grab something. I accidentally knocked over her cup, spilling coffee all over her, her keyboard, her desk, and her treadmill. She yelled "Aaagh! What the -- " really loudly and acted like it was a big deal. Did you apologize? I would have, but her yelling like that was inconsiderate. So I told her off. Coffee wasn't even hot. What was her problem?
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-25 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-25 Pub. Date: 2017-01-25
Image Number: 153703
Caption: 1982. Last night I looked across the alley and saw your light on, but you weren't answering your tin can. I didn't know you called me. Maybe the string wasn't tight enough to receive the call. But I was busy anyway. I was writing to my pen pal. Chuck's been having trouble working up the courage to talk to some little red-haired girl. He was even too timid to try my suggested "pull her hair" ice-breaker. That's my best move. I don't know why you men think us women like that. Try my can again tonight, I'll try to get better reception.
     
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