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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-02 try on 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-02 Pub. Date: 2017-10-02
Image Number: 163370
Caption: Thank god the GOP has given up trying to take health care away from millions of people. No they haven't. Trying-to-repeal-Obamacare has become a tradition, like celebrating-holidays-by-not-thinking-about-why-we-have-a-day-off-and-just-barbecuing has become a tradition. I've stocked up on hot dog buns and beer for the next repeal day. You-not-letting-me-enjoy-the-moment has become a tradition.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-27 try on 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-27 Pub. Date: 2017-09-27
Image Number: 163099
Caption: Guess what daddy heard on the radio today, son? I heard that an English settler named Clarence Hornswaggler stole the recipe for popcorn from Native Americans. It was an early example of cultural appropriation, and we don't encourage that sort of thing in this house. I thtill want popcorn fow dinnew. (Sigh), ok, let's try this: No popcorn for dinner because I said so.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-09 try on 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-09 Pub. Date: 2017-09-09
Image Number: 162347
Caption: My son keeps loading 'The Cosby Show' on Hulu. What fo'? Cosby ain't never been funny. He always been boring as @#$% an' I ain't never liked him. Cosby ain't nothin' now, Cosby ain't never been nothin', and I always thought he was creepy. People always try to go back and pretend they were right about someone all along. He ain't never made me laugh. Not even once!
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-21 try on 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-21 Pub. Date: 2017-05-21
Image Number: 157604
Caption: I'm tired of people complaining about how the coral reefs have pretty much died off. I mean yeah, a huge variety of fish and other sealife rely on the coral reefs. And yeah, about 500 million people in turn depend on that sealife for food, jobs and recreation. But it's not mankind's fault those sea creatures decided to sponge off the hard work of the polyps that made all the coral. Wait ... what? ... and it's not our fault that 500 million people didn't think ahead and get real jobs instead of sponging off welfare fish. Besides, marine habitats are something better left to private industry. If the fish really want vast expanses of underwater limestone shelters, let them buy it on the free market like the rest of us. Besides, I was just wasting my time with all those snorkeling vacations. I should've been working. You're just trying to make yourself feel better. Newsweak.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-25 try on 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-25 Pub. Date: 2017-04-25
Image Number: 157285
Caption: Susan called 911 on me, Clyde. She was trying to get them to come take me in for a heart attack she thought I was having. But they put her on hold. And after a while, she sort of fell asleep and I sort of snuck away. Whachoomean "sort of," Big L? Ain't no such thing as "sort of." Somethin' either be or be not, bruh. One ambulance ride and one day in the hospital would eat up my whole life savings. Dead people ain't got no life savings, bruh.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-24 try on 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-24 Pub. Date: 2017-04-24
Image Number: 157284
Caption: Where Susan be at, bruh? Her phone been busy all week. I don't know, Clyde. But why're you trying to call Susan? You don't like talking on the phone. At least, that's what you always tell me when I call you just to chat. That 'cause you make erethang always 'bout you, bruh. So does Susan. Yeah, but Susan more interesting.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-21 try on 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-21 Pub. Date: 2017-02-21
Image Number: 154802
Caption: You remember Omarosa from "The Apprentice"? Well, she works in the Trump White House now. According to a Washington Post reporter, another reporter said Omarosa tried to bully her by telling her she was one of several journalists the White House was keeping "dossiers" on. Wow. And you're a journalist. I can see why you're upset, Lemont. I can totally see. it. what do I have to do to get them to blackmail me? I'm always getting left out. I need to get my eyes checked.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-03 try on 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-03 Pub. Date: 2017-02-03
Image Number: 153975
Caption: Life is a play, but all the actors are too busy trying to remember their lines to watch it. I said you didn't have to remind me! It was on the tip of my tongue.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-25 try on 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-25 Pub. Date: 2017-01-25
Image Number: 153703
Caption: 1982. Last night I looked across the alley and saw your light on, but you weren't answering your tin can. I didn't know you called me. Maybe the string wasn't tight enough to receive the call. But I was busy anyway. I was writing to my pen pal. Chuck's been having trouble working up the courage to talk to some little red-haired girl. He was even too timid to try my suggested "pull her hair" ice-breaker. That's my best move. I don't know why you men think us women like that. Try my can again tonight, I'll try to get better reception.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-01 try on 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-01 Pub. Date: 2017-01-01
Image Number: 152168
Caption: Well ... the Great Author in the Sky has given us another year, brotha. What're you gonna do with it? Are you gonna be a more humble person? Are you going to try and figure out why you're here -- what you're supposed to accomplish? Are you going to shed yourself of anyone and anything in your life that doesn't help you fulfill your purpose on earth? Are you going to use every day as a chance to become who you're meant to be? I'ma take a nap. (Sigh) I guess some people are meant to be couches.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-30 try on 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-30 Pub. Date: 2016-12-30
Image Number: 152628
Caption: Ever since I got back from Canada, I've felt like I'm just drifting through my days. Dr. Noodle. Like yesterday, I was interviewing a source I'll call "Deep Throat" at a big pharmaceutical company who told me they're purposely trying to spread the opioid addiction problem to other countries ... because getting people to become dependent on opioid painkillers here has been so profitable. But I ended up just taking Deep Throat to a hockey game. That's normal. For non-Trump-voters, thinking of Canada is a good substitute for opioids.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-26 try on 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-26 Pub. Date: 2016-12-26
Image Number: 152624
Caption: Hi momma. I'm back from Canada. It was beautiful there. Can I come visit you? I just want to see the old house. My old room. I don't know why. What do you mean "that'll be $125 a night"? I don't care what "the going rate" is on AirBnB. I'm your son … What do you mean try back in the off-season.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-13 try on 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-13 Pub. Date: 2016-11-13
Image Number: 150252
Caption: Your suggestion didn't work, Susan. Thinking about baseball should have worked. Did you do it right? What do you mean? Did you think of the boring, repetitive parts? I tried. I thought about the batter swinging the bat around in the on-deck circle … the runners going around and around the diamond ... the batters swinging and almost always missing ... but instead of distracting me, it relaxed me. It wasn't boring, Susan. It was rhythmic. Baseball is a Zen-like experience that puts you into a trance. It frees the mind and makes it easier ... not harder ... for your mind to wander where you don't want it to go ... so it didn't stop me from wondering who's going to run for president in 2020. Ok, plan B: Try doing long division in your head.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-23 try on 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-23 Pub. Date: 2016-10-23
Image Number: 149364
Caption: It all started when I spanked my two-year-old son. He was out of control. He was hitting and kicking and spitting. I tried everything. I tried a timeout. I tried redirection. I tried bribery. But when he threw a clock at his baby sister's head, I realized I had to do something drastic. So I swatted him once on the behind. Very lightly. For the rest of the day, he pointed at me and said "You don't hit me. That's bad. You say you're sorry." And I couldn't even argue, because that's exactly what I always told him to tell someone if they hit him. Part of being a parent is becoming comfortable with being a hypocrite. Is two too young for military school?
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-02 try on 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-02 Pub. Date: 2016-10-02
Image Number: 148531
Caption: It's my memory, doc. The more I look into it, the more it's just all wrong. For instance Dr. Noodle. The first book I ever read was a "Berenstein Bears" book called Up Down and All Around. But when I tried to buy it for my kid, I discovered it was BerenSTAIN bears, and that there was never a Berenstein Bears books called "Up Down and All Around." It's perfectly normal to misremember things like that. Even large numbers of people collectively misremember things. I remember "Berenstein" too. Oh ... yeah, I figured. It's a lot more likely than thinking aliens kidnapped me from an alternate reality where it was "Berenstein" and put me here ... not that I was thinking that. Take two "stay off the internets" and call me in the morning. Look up "Mandela Effect" and "Ford Logo" on Youtube and then tell me there's no multiverse kidnapping going on!
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-10 try on 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-10 Pub. Date: 2016-09-10
Image Number: 148219
Caption: I have to admit, Big L, you gettin' better. You made two shots in the right basket. I was proud, bruh. I was in the zone. It was like I was a leaf blowing on the wind. A pebble floating in the river Almost nobody even laughed this time when you tried to dunk an' missed the rim. You noticed that?
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-27 try on 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-27 Pub. Date: 2016-06-27
Image Number: 145228
Caption: I tried to mourn after the Orlando massacre. I really tried. I sat down in front of my tv and waited for the usual grief to come. But all that came was anger. Intense, burning anger because it felt like a ritual: mass shooting grief most of us demand gun control ... Congress does nothing ... we move on ... repeat. That's yo' problem, Big L: You keep expectin' Gilligan to leave that island. Can you ever give me non-Gilligan-related advice?
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-17 try on 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-17 Pub. Date: 2016-06-17
Image Number: 144566
Caption: In the wake of what even Republicans have called blatantly racist comments, Donald Trump's campaign may be about to unrave Click. Experts predict robots will take half of earth's jobs within 30 years. When we tried to reach those experts for comment, their phone lines all went dead. Click. It appears the newly discovered ninth planet is responsible for the comet showers that cause mass extinctions on earth every 26 million years. And we're due for another one right. Click. Gilligaaaaan, the Skipper tooooo ... the millionaaaaire ... and his wiiiiiiiife ...
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-01 try on 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-01 Pub. Date: 2016-06-01
Image Number: 143920
Caption: What do I have to do to get Donald Trump to attack me on Twitter" I've tried pretty much everything. I've written articles about his phony college, documented over 100 of his lies, and cataloged every time he's pandered to racists. But so far he hasn't called me a "loser," a "total failure," or even "nobody." Being trash-talked by Trump is a rite of passage for any real journalist. Didn't he once have a goon yank you out of a press conference by your underpants? You're just trying to make me feel better.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-05-22 try on 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-05-22 Pub. Date: 2016-05-22
Image Number: 143085
Caption: 1984. Do you think Terrence likes me, Lemont? Who's "Terrence"? I don't know any "Terrence." I know a "Turbo," and a "C-dog," and a "Rerun," and a "Big Oatmeal," and a "Greazy." I know a "Night Court," a "Shorty," a "Cheese-face," a "Rocky," and "Airwolf," a "Riptide," a "Boss," a "Voltron," a "Schoolbreak Special," and a "Big Cheeto." In fact, I'm pretty sure if there was a "Terrence" in our class, he'd go to great lengths to make sure none of us ever knew it. You've asked me an unanswerable question, Susan. The fact he told you his name was "Terrence" is either proof he loves you or proof he's trying to push you away. How come you don't have a nickname? The only on I wanted was "Prince," but living up to it would be too much pressure.
     
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