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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-28 try it 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-28 Pub. Date: 2017-09-28
Image Number: 163100
Caption: … So anyway, I had to fire an art director, a copywriter, a designer, a production artist and our web designer because of that donkey incident. That's too bad. But you did the right thing … you made the tough decision … "Always do what's best for the donkey," that's my motto. You know, I can tell when you haven't really been listening. What? I was totally listening! Then tell me what happened with the donkey. It's too atrocious for words. Nice try.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-27 try it 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-27 Pub. Date: 2017-09-27
Image Number: 163099
Caption: Guess what daddy heard on the radio today, son? I heard that an English settler named Clarence Hornswaggler stole the recipe for popcorn from Native Americans. It was an early example of cultural appropriation, and we don't encourage that sort of thing in this house. I thtill want popcorn fow dinnew. (Sigh), ok, let's try this: No popcorn for dinner because I said so.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-20 try it 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-20 Pub. Date: 2017-09-20
Image Number: 162850
Caption: All children go through a crisis when they first realize their parents aren't perfect. Tell me about it. Dr. Noodle. After Lionel calmed down, I convinced him I wasn't purposely trying to kill the neighbor by selling him a microwave that might cause cancer ... or at least I thought I did. That night, flashing lights and a siren woke me from a deep slumber. I looked out the window ad say the police and the coroner were at the neighbor's apartment. It's a good idea to hide the phone for the duration of the crisis. Scribble scrib - Lionel later told be he'd called anonymously, using the name "Daniel Tiger," so I wouldn't get locked up. He's so smart.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-19 try it 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-19 Pub. Date: 2017-09-19
Image Number: 162849
Caption: When my little boy got home from day care and found out I'd sold the microwave, he started sobbing. Dr. Noodle. He asked who bought it. I said "a neighbor." He whimpered and blubbered "But I don't want the neighbor to have it! I want us to have it!" M.A ... I tried to make him feel better by telling him it's best not to have one anyway, because all microwaves leak radiation and that can cause cancer ... and that's when your son accused you of trying to murder your neighbor? I never realized how horrible a person I was until my son started asking questions.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-31 try it 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-31 Pub. Date: 2017-08-31
Image Number: 162090
Caption: I got into a Twitter feud wit @joanwalsh. @davidshuster asked her and @joyannreid to apologize for using the term "alt left." I backed him up. When they and @govhowarddean used the term against progressives, they helped validate it. And that helps @realdonaldtrump neutralize the toxicity of the term "alt right" ... which makes it harder to fight white supremacy. I think I won. I'm going to give @govhowarddean a piece of my mind too. Are you @trying to @change-the-subject because you're @losing the @argument about @josswhedon's @divorce? It's just @joss. And I'm @changing-the-subject because it's @none-of-our-business.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-07 try it 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-07 Pub. Date: 2017-07-07
Image Number: 159983
Caption: Ok Ace … I'm coming out. I'll stop pushing you away. I promise I won't let my fear or anything else get in the way of whatever it is you wanted to talk about. Marry me. Susan Ometeotl Garcia, will you m … Marry me. Dios mio! That's Lemont's girlfriend! With some other guy! You're trying my patience.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-03 try it 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-03 Pub. Date: 2017-07-03
Image Number: 159979
Caption: We've been together for a year, Solnishko. "Solnishko"? That's from mother Russia. It's me telling you you're my sunshine. Anyway, I have something to ask you, my myshka. Your "myshka"? Means my cute little mouse in Russian. "Mouse"? Mice are rodents. Susan, are you trying to change the subject? You know rodents spread diseases, right? How dare you.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-21 try it 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-21 Pub. Date: 2017-05-21
Image Number: 157604
Caption: I'm tired of people complaining about how the coral reefs have pretty much died off. I mean yeah, a huge variety of fish and other sealife rely on the coral reefs. And yeah, about 500 million people in turn depend on that sealife for food, jobs and recreation. But it's not mankind's fault those sea creatures decided to sponge off the hard work of the polyps that made all the coral. Wait ... what? ... and it's not our fault that 500 million people didn't think ahead and get real jobs instead of sponging off welfare fish. Besides, marine habitats are something better left to private industry. If the fish really want vast expanses of underwater limestone shelters, let them buy it on the free market like the rest of us. Besides, I was just wasting my time with all those snorkeling vacations. I should've been working. You're just trying to make yourself feel better. Newsweak.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-14 try it 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-14 Pub. Date: 2017-05-14
Image Number: 157342
Caption: They got to him. I don't know how, but they got to him. Dr. Noodle. I should've seen it coming, though. After all, a guy who gets all butt-hurt about questions is the White House Spokesman in charge of answering questions. A guy who opposes paid leave and equal pay is in charge of the White House's responses to women's issues. A guy who doesn't believe in climate change is in charge of the EPA. A reputed bigot is in charge of enforcing civil rights. Trump even tried to put a guy whose company violated wage, hour and child labor laws in charge of the Department of Labor. I still don't think we know what Luke Skywalker meant by "it's time for the Jedi to end." I don't like Star Wars now that I know it's set in the Trump White House.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-01 try it 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-01 Pub. Date: 2017-04-01
Image Number: 156202
Caption: What's wrong, Lemont? The "Independent Woman's Forum" gave Vice President Mike Pence a "Working for Women" award. He voted against the Lilly Ledbetter equal pay bill … he led the fight to defund Planned Parenthood … he tried to redefine rape so that only women who were "forcibly" raped could have a choice ... So I interviewed the IWF and asked them "Isn't it 100% backwards to give him a 'Working for Women' award?" And what did they say? They gave me a "Mansplainer of the Year" award.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-24 try it 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-24 Pub. Date: 2017-02-24
Image Number: 154805
Caption: Lemont? Where've you been all day? I was waiting for you at lunch and you never showed up. I couldn't. After I dropped Lionel off at day care, everything went wrong. Someone had snatched my wallet, so I had to walk 20 blocks to get home. But my keys were missing, so I tried to climb in the fire escape. That's when I got arrested. Didn't they give you one phone call? I used it to call a lawyer. Forgive me for being so selfish. I waited a whole hour, Lemont.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-21 try it 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-21 Pub. Date: 2017-02-21
Image Number: 154802
Caption: You remember Omarosa from "The Apprentice"? Well, she works in the Trump White House now. According to a Washington Post reporter, another reporter said Omarosa tried to bully her by telling her she was one of several journalists the White House was keeping "dossiers" on. Wow. And you're a journalist. I can see why you're upset, Lemont. I can totally see. it. what do I have to do to get them to blackmail me? I'm always getting left out. I need to get my eyes checked.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-03 try it 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-03 Pub. Date: 2017-02-03
Image Number: 153975
Caption: Life is a play, but all the actors are too busy trying to remember their lines to watch it. I said you didn't have to remind me! It was on the tip of my tongue.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-15 try it 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-15 Pub. Date: 2017-01-15
Image Number: 152908
Caption: Hello, you've reached Bung Lee Plumbing. This is Bung. How may I hinder you? Hi Bung. I just got an invoice from you guys for $125 plus a $75 late fee for some work you did in my apartment. But I already tried to pay that bill, two months ago. You guys sent me an invoice that asked me to pay by phone. So I called and gave someone named "Ryan" my Massacard info. He said he'd send me a receipt, but he never did. I just checked with Massacard, and it looks like you guys never ran my card. I'd be happy to give the $125 we agreed upon, but I'm not paying you any late fee. It's not my fault Ryan didn't charge me. Do you have any proof you called and spoke with Ryan? Let me ask you a question: Would this be the first time Ryan screwed up around there? Ok. I'll waive the late fee.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-01 try it 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-01 Pub. Date: 2017-01-01
Image Number: 152168
Caption: Well ... the Great Author in the Sky has given us another year, brotha. What're you gonna do with it? Are you gonna be a more humble person? Are you going to try and figure out why you're here -- what you're supposed to accomplish? Are you going to shed yourself of anyone and anything in your life that doesn't help you fulfill your purpose on earth? Are you going to use every day as a chance to become who you're meant to be? I'ma take a nap. (Sigh) I guess some people are meant to be couches.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-26 try it 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-26 Pub. Date: 2016-12-26
Image Number: 152624
Caption: Hi momma. I'm back from Canada. It was beautiful there. Can I come visit you? I just want to see the old house. My old room. I don't know why. What do you mean "that'll be $125 a night"? I don't care what "the going rate" is on AirBnB. I'm your son … What do you mean try back in the off-season.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-13 try it 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-13 Pub. Date: 2016-11-13
Image Number: 150252
Caption: Your suggestion didn't work, Susan. Thinking about baseball should have worked. Did you do it right? What do you mean? Did you think of the boring, repetitive parts? I tried. I thought about the batter swinging the bat around in the on-deck circle … the runners going around and around the diamond ... the batters swinging and almost always missing ... but instead of distracting me, it relaxed me. It wasn't boring, Susan. It was rhythmic. Baseball is a Zen-like experience that puts you into a trance. It frees the mind and makes it easier ... not harder ... for your mind to wander where you don't want it to go ... so it didn't stop me from wondering who's going to run for president in 2020. Ok, plan B: Try doing long division in your head.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-23 try it 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-23 Pub. Date: 2016-10-23
Image Number: 149364
Caption: It all started when I spanked my two-year-old son. He was out of control. He was hitting and kicking and spitting. I tried everything. I tried a timeout. I tried redirection. I tried bribery. But when he threw a clock at his baby sister's head, I realized I had to do something drastic. So I swatted him once on the behind. Very lightly. For the rest of the day, he pointed at me and said "You don't hit me. That's bad. You say you're sorry." And I couldn't even argue, because that's exactly what I always told him to tell someone if they hit him. Part of being a parent is becoming comfortable with being a hypocrite. Is two too young for military school?
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-02 try it 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-02 Pub. Date: 2016-10-02
Image Number: 148531
Caption: It's my memory, doc. The more I look into it, the more it's just all wrong. For instance Dr. Noodle. The first book I ever read was a "Berenstein Bears" book called Up Down and All Around. But when I tried to buy it for my kid, I discovered it was BerenSTAIN bears, and that there was never a Berenstein Bears books called "Up Down and All Around." It's perfectly normal to misremember things like that. Even large numbers of people collectively misremember things. I remember "Berenstein" too. Oh ... yeah, I figured. It's a lot more likely than thinking aliens kidnapped me from an alternate reality where it was "Berenstein" and put me here ... not that I was thinking that. Take two "stay off the internets" and call me in the morning. Look up "Mandela Effect" and "Ford Logo" on Youtube and then tell me there's no multiverse kidnapping going on!
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-21 try it 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-21 Pub. Date: 2016-09-21
Image Number: 148763
Caption: How 'bout those Candorville Cougars? Yeh, it is hot out. What? I said "How 'bout those Cougars … " Y'know … football, not the weather. What difference it make? Stranger-small-talk be interchangeable, bruh. It never mean nothin' no-way. (Sigh) … last time I try to be nice to a stranger! "Workin' hard or hardly workin'" to you too.
     
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