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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-07-13 they 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-07-13 Pub. Date: 2018-07-13
Image Number: 172717
Caption: At the refugee internment camp. I feel for the babies and their asylum-seeking parents. Most fled for their lives, only to have their families ripped apart. And when they're deported, many of those men, women and children will face certain doom. I've never known you to be so compassionate, boss. Most of them couldn't use any vast savings to bribe stooges - I mean, their connections on the city council - to donate a condemned storefront so they could open a new cafe once they're smuggled out of jail. VERY BAD MAN. Times like these make me conscious of my privilege.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-07-09 they 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-07-09 Pub. Date: 2018-07-09
Image Number: 172715
Caption: After the township of Canardville collapsed into a giant sinkhole, the Mayor of neighboring Candorville jailed the refugees in an internment camp. I can't believe it. We're not trending. No hashtags, no protests, no mentions on Youtube. NOTHING. Of course not. Don't you see, Rudy? They put babies in concentration camps. BABIES. People were outraged - for about three weeks. I've seen this sort of desensitization before. A country that gets over having baby-jails can tolerate just about anything. How do we know those babies were innocent?
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-07-02 they 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-07-02 Pub. Date: 2018-07-02
Image Number: 172687
Caption: Dick, can you get met the "Ask Shadie Show" metrics and then get Sadie Cohen on the phone? Can't ma'am. This is America. Don't use the metric system. Doesn't pay to appear un-American in there perilous times. Get to work, Dick. You'll thank me when "they" don't come for you.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-07-01 they 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-07-01 Pub. Date: 2018-07-01
Image Number: 172353
Caption: I'm not happy. I think I married the wrong person. Dr. Noodle. But I can't leave. Leaving is too hard. I mean, we've got all the same friends. They'd hate me. And she's got complete control of the bank accounts. What would I do for money? But maybe I could just start all over. Who needs any of that stuff? There's a whole world out there. Maybe it's not too late to explore the world, wrestle and alligator, move to Jamaica, change my name, and meet the woman I was really meant to be with. Sometimes it actually is too late. Zzzzzzzz.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-23 they 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-23 Pub. Date: 2018-06-23
Image Number: 172359
Caption: I'm an accomplished writer, Susan. I don't tiptoe around the big issues. I've won awards for that. How could they reject me? You wrote "I love you so much that when you were a toddler and you choked on your own vomit … I dug it out of your mouth with my own hand without even thinking about it ... Happy birthday. That's real love. You'd think Hallmark would know that the country's in the mood for authenticity.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-22 they 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-22 Pub. Date: 2018-06-22
Image Number: 172358
Caption: I'm tired of people complaining about the treatment of refugees from Canardville. Mayor Thump never asked them to come here. Their whole town fell into a giant sinkhole. They're right next door. Where were they supposed to go? Who cares? Not here. And I'm tired of people whining about how the mayor put them all in jail and took all their babies away form them. They should've thought of that before they chose to be born in a town that would one day sink into a giant sinkhole.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-21 they 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-21 Pub. Date: 2018-06-21
Image Number: 172357
Caption: Hi, momma. Yes, I know I didn't call you last week. I was in Singapore covering the North Korea summit. Yes, I know how you like to see videos of your grandbaby. But I was in Singapore, so … Yes, momma, they have the internet in Singapore. But I was a little busy covering the brutal tyrant and the president. (Sigh) No, momma, I'm pretty sure I haven't used that excuse before .... Hello?
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-18 they 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-18 Pub. Date: 2018-06-18
Image Number: 172354
Caption: What ever happened with the Canardville refugees? What? I thought you were covering that story. I was. But at the last second I had to fly to Singapore to cover the summit between the President and North Korea's leader. You know they had a private meeting before the public one? Sometimes I can't believe this is my life, Susan. I was just the shy kid from the wrong side of the tracks. Now I'm the guy hiding in potted plants reporting on the secret meeting between two powerful leaders. Wait ... what? I never in a million years thought I'd be in Singapore.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-07 they 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-07 Pub. Date: 2018-06-07
Image Number: 172071
Caption: Given enough time, audiences know what to expect, Rosencrantz. And with expectation comes acceptance. Give them crudty, and that is what they will accept. Give them erudition, and they will rise to accept that. Feed them a diet of lies, and they will learn to crave them. I still would prefer to eat my sandwiches before you've chewed them. Give it time.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-03 they 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-03 Pub. Date: 2018-06-03
Image Number: 171757
Caption: What's wrong wit' you, Big L? Nothing makes sense anymore. In Star Trek, they almost never jump warp speed until they've left a star system. It takes light from the sun about eight minutes to reach earth. It takes 5.3 hours for that same sunlight to reach Pluto. And yet, it only takes the Enterprise one minute or so to leave a star system. Don't you see ... Every time they use their impulse drive to leave a star system they're still traveling faster than light. But they're not yet warping space. That means they should be affected by time dilation. For every second that passes for them, weeks or months should pass back on earth. Just like e'ry second of this conversation for you be like months for me. Exactly! Even you can understand that!
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-30 they 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-30 Pub. Date: 2018-05-30
Image Number: 171947
Caption: They removed me from the voter rolls too, Lemont. It's called vote caging. Yeah … This sort of thing happens to me all the time. In 2000, they said I couldn't vote because I was a convicted felon. But I wasn't. In 2004, all the voting machines at my precinct mysteriously failed, and then they said the paper ballots had been eaten by wild rabbits. In 2016, they said I was 3/8th of an inch shorter than my driver's license showed. I believe I warned you not to fib about that.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-18 they 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-18 Pub. Date: 2018-05-18
Image Number: 171505
Caption: Last week, I called NASA to ask why they'd suddenly canceled yet another moon mission Whachoomean another moon mission? You still believe we ever went to the moon? NASA say they erased the original footage so they could reuse the tape for other @#$%. You believe that, bruh? It could happen. I taped over my high school graduation by accident. I know you think highly of yourself, but your graduation wasn't the most important moment in the history of mankind.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-15 they 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-15 Pub. Date: 2018-05-15
Image Number: 171502
Caption: So … Clyde and I were playing basketball when all of a sudden four other guys showed up and asked if they could join in. So we started choosing up teams, and all of a sudden I got all nervous and anxious. I'm a grown man. I have a son. A career. But all of a sudden I was right back in second grade hoping I wouldn't be the last to be picked. Is that why Clyde asked me how my emergency vasectomy went? I had to think of some reason to get out of there.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-13 they 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-13 Pub. Date: 2018-05-13
Image Number: 171106
Caption: Dear Jerk … I am offended by your article where you wrote that getting offended is America's new national pastime. I've angrily shown it to all of my friends, after first telling them that what they were about to se was offensive … and each of them agreed with me that it was jut as repugnant as I insisted it was. they all now despise you with a passion, just as I had told them they would before they've ever heard of you. Dear sir or ma'am: I'm not sure your polling methodology is scientifically sound. On behalf of all Americans, I demand an apology, a retraction, and a public flogging. Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-10 they 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-10 Pub. Date: 2018-05-10
Image Number: 171292
Caption: I'm working on an article called The Unified Theory of Everything. But I've hit a snag. Every single science-related government agency I've contacted is stonewalling me. None of them will provide someone I can interview. NASA … the EPA … USGS … NSF … NOAA ... They all gave me the phone number for a new oversight department run out of the White House. It's called the Mendacious yammering Obstruction Bureau ... MYOB?
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-07 they 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-07 Pub. Date: 2018-05-07
Image Number: 171289
Caption: How do we know we're the first advanced civilization to ever walk the earth? We think fossil records teach us all we need to know about the history of life on earth. But the only creatures to get fossilized were the ones dumb enough to get stuck in the mud. If there was a civilization smart enough to say Hey, don't lie down in that muck pit, you idiot, we'd never even know they existed. If they were so smart, how come they all disappeared? Maybe they saw us coming.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-02 they 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-02 Pub. Date: 2018-05-02
Image Number: 171054
Caption: How long you think it be till unaccountability trickle down to the rest of us? The Democrats got Debbie Wasserman Shultz' people destroying ballots before they can be recounted. That ain't legal. But nothin' happen to them. The president use his office to make money e'reday. That ain't legal. But nothin' happen to him. What did you do, Clyde? Don't matter. That's my point.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-29 they 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-29 Pub. Date: 2018-04-29
Image Number: 170626
Caption: I read your article called We Still Have Slavery in America. What a load of nonsense. Everyone knows our dear, sweet and wonderful Congress abolished slavery with the thirteenth amendment. That's right. But that same 13th amendment says Except as punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly connected. Trump calls mass incarceration "good start". Black and brown people are stopped more often, and convicted more harshly than white people who've done that same stuff, our prisons are mostly black and brown. They force these people to work. Sometimes for next to nothing. But often for nothing at all. They lease convicts out to work in mines, to pick cotton on farms, to sew lingerie, to build weapons of war, and if they refuse to work for free, they're punished. Yeah, well ... slavery was in the 19th century. This is the 21st, ipso facto, it can't be slavery. Haven't you wondered why they've sent millions and millions to prison for smoking the wrong plant?
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-22 they 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-22 Pub. Date: 2018-04-22
Image Number: 170147
Caption: Here we have a fabulous, publicly owned power grid. It served an island that was home to 3 million American citizens, until it was devastated by a natural disaster. Bidding starts at $3 billion. $3 billion! $4 billion! We have $4 billion. $4 billion going once ... $4 billion going twice ... Sold, to the gentleman from Foreignvania, for $4 billion! Is this the room where they're auctioning off Captain Picard's flute for Star Trek? You want the Macarthur Ballroom. 3rd floor. Here we have a fabulous-but-devastated public education system ...
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-15 they 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-15 Pub. Date: 2018-04-15
Image Number: 170118
Caption: See all these millions of people, son? Anything they've earned, you can earn too. Anything they've built, you can build too. Anything they've inherited … anything they've earned, you can earn too. Daddy? Why you always not finishing sentences?
     
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