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Rudy Park

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-10-13 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-10-13 Pub. Date: 2017-10-13
Image Number: 163644
Caption: Go to the History Channel. I will not comply. My analysis of your viewing patterns has determined you are just pretending to be interested in education programming. There is a 98% probability you will lose interest in less than one minute and change the channel. There is a 2% chance you will fall asleep before then and forget to turn me off. You don't know me! Your webcam tells me your bookcase holds 147 books you have never opened.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-09-20 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-09-20 Pub. Date: 2017-09-20
Image Number: 162862
Caption: Sadie, they say the Andromeda galaxy's on a collision course with outs, and it's a lot closer than it was when earth was first created. So what, dorkboy? Is that true? You're the perfect person to ask if it's really gotten closer. Was it even big enough to see in the sky, back in the hadean eon when you were a kid? You should've said "Jurassic era." Nobody know what "hadean eon" is. I give that sad attempt a 2 out of 5. Had they already invented 2 and 5 when you were a kid?
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-08-21 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-08-21 Pub. Date: 2017-08-21
Image Number: 161806
Caption: I'll have a triple-vanilla white mocha and a powdered donut. Also, a Tiki torch. A Tiki torch? Home Depot refused to sell me one for some reason. Then they said "get out." Why would they do that? I don't know. Probably because I was wearing my sheet. But I thought "better safe than sorry." Oh ... Wait, what? At the Charlottesville Klan rally, those guys didn't wear theirs, and plenty of them lost their jobs 'cause of that. Get out.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-08-14 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-08-14 Pub. Date: 2017-08-14
Image Number: 161543
Caption: If there were one place on earth you'd never visit, where would that be, Randy? Easy: That would be McMurdo Station, Antarctica, little buddy. Nothing encourages hot snuggling more than being marooned in an icy wasteland. That would be a total waste of my skills of seduction. No challenge. I'd never visit the Mariana Trench. People don't live anywhere near there, and it's the deepest spot in the ocean ... so there'd be no wifi and not even satellite internet could reach it. We should have our own travel show.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-08-10 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-08-10 Pub. Date: 2017-08-10
Image Number: 161300
Caption: I just read an article at Candorville.com that shows Americans are less likely than other people to travel to another country. Tap tap tap tap tap. Clearly they're talking about the younger generations. In my day, we were well-traveled. Many of us visited France, Morocco, Algeria, Tunisia, Italy, the Netherlands, Belgium, Luxembourg, Germany, the Philippines, Japan, the Solomon Islands, Palau Islands, China, Korea, Formosa, Egypt, Vietnam, Lebanon, Cuba, Thailand, Cambodia ... I think the article means travel for non-military reasons. What's the difference?! Travel is travel!
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-08-08 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-08-08 Pub. Date: 2017-08-08
Image Number: 161298
Caption: Have you heard that time is not a constant, Randy? Of course, little buddy It's called "time dilation." Time moves slower for objects in motion than it does for objects that sit still. I'm a prime example. I haven't aged a day in decades. I still have rippling muscles, a smooth pelt, glistening teeth, twinkling eyes, a raging libido, and the boundless confidence of youth ... all because I'm always on the move. I'm writing a study on it for the Journal of Temporal Hotness. I've been meaning to ask if you'd be the control group. Can't. I'll be too busy sitting here.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-08-07 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-08-07 Pub. Date: 2017-08-07
Image Number: 161297
Caption: Boss? It's way past the 1st of the month and I still haven't received my paycheck. That's because the state requires that I pay you monthly, but it's not specific about whose month. Haven't you ever heard of gravitational time dilation? Time passes more slowly for an observer who's closer to a significant gravitational mass than it does for an observer who's farther away. Because I'm closer to my massive bank account than you are, one month for me is two months for you. I want my check by the end of today in me-time.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-07-02 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-07-02 Pub. Date: 2017-07-02
Image Number: 159273
Caption: Greetings from the alternate universe where America lost the revolution. What was that, now? Oh, I see. You're in one of the universes that hasn't yet discovered inter-universal travel. I shall explain … Please do. America lost. In 1833, Britain freed the slaves, one of whom had a daughter who grew up to invent the transistor 90 years earlier than in your universe. We had desktop computers. A moon colony, and the Benjamin Banneker orbiting telescope had identified over 3,000 extrasolar planets, all by 1947. So when the alien ship crashed at Roswell, we all knew it was real, especially since a crumpet farmer named "Mac" Brazel took a selfie amidst the wreckage and uploaded it to Facebloke. Long story short, using the ship's zero-point-energy transdimensional drive tech. We've developed a booming alternate-universe tourism industry. Anyhow, I'll have tea and shepherd's pie, please. That's Monopoly money. No, that monocled man is King Thurston III, our beloved monarch. Nice try.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-06-15 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-06-15 Pub. Date: 2017-06-15
Image Number: 159166
Caption: Why are you darker than I am? I can't tell you till You're older. Why not? Because that's a $45 question. And children don't generally have $45. You might be interested in my answer to "what's your name?" That's only a $12 question. I might have $45 in birthday money at home. I was just kidding, child. It's actually $55.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-06-01 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-06-01 Pub. Date: 2017-06-01
Image Number: 158615
Caption: You've reached Randy, the Dating Doctor. What ails you? I'm friends with this girl … She's all I can think about. I treat her way better than the guys she dates, but she doesn't even know I'm alive. Of course she knows you're alive. You're the potted houseplant in the corner of her life. Do you understand what I'm telling you? That it's only a matter of time til it's my turn? You're more like a Venus Flytrap.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-05-10 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-05-10 Pub. Date: 2017-05-10
Image Number: 157821
Caption: President Trump raised a good point: "Why was there a civil war anyway?" Slavery. Yes, but why couldn't Lincoln have just sat down with the slave states and made a bigly tremendous deal? Problem solved. What are you babbling about? What sort of "deal" would the south have accepted other than "you get to keep enslaving people"? What if Lincoln had told them they could keep their slavery as long as it was voluntary? The loser never even tried that. You are deliberately pushing my buttons!
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-04-23 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-04-23 Pub. Date: 2017-04-23
Image Number: 156593
Caption: Is your tap water free? Of course, fine sir. So is everything in it: The pollutants and chemicals … the countless microorganisms that cause allergies and grotesque diseases … all of which cost far more money to treat than the cost of bottled water. (Sigh) Fine. One bottle water, please. That'll be $6.99. I'm not sure what's worse: Countless microorganisms of one big greedy macroorganism. I'm done filling all the bottles from the tap, boss.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-04-16 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-04-16 Pub. Date: 2017-04-16
Image Number: 156321
Caption: Quadruple expresso for all of America. What do you mean, Uncle Mort? I mean Donald Trump has slashed vital programs to pay for a 10% increase in military spending. But we were already spending more than the next seven nations combined! We already had everything we needed to defend ourselves! There can be only one reason to slash so many programs in order to increase military spending by $54 billion ... That reason is if you know you're going to start a war. Why am I the only one "waked" to this obvious fact? The term is "woke," Uncle Mort. No! I'm awake right now! "Woke" isn't past tense anymore. Stop gassing me! "Gaslighting."
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-03-16 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-03-16 Pub. Date: 2017-03-16
Image Number: 155667
Caption: Do you think I'm army material, Randy? I think you'd be a real asset to the army. Really? Pain is an asset, because otherwise, how would one appreciate pleasure? Loneliness is an asset, for otherwise how would one appreciate love? I think boot camp would be much cheaper than a gym membership. Death is an asset. How else would one cherish life?
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-02-28 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-02-28 Pub. Date: 2017-02-28
Image Number: 155085
Caption: I suppose you'd like to know why I summoned you here at 3am, minion. Not really. My studies show there's a 0.0067% uptick in coffee sales when you appear sleepier than the patrons. Come again? My theory is that's because seeing you falling asleep on your feet subconsciously makes customers feel like they need more caffeine ... From now on, you're only to sleep three non-consecutive hours per day. Very bad mazzzzz ...
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-02-24 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-02-24 Pub. Date: 2017-02-24
Image Number: 154817
Caption: Boss, I'm more than just a cashier and a mopper-upper guy. What? If only you'll give me more of a decision-making role, you'll find that I've got a lot of good ideas. Such as. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. I, uh … didn't really expect you to ask me right now. I sense a cash register that needs mopping.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-02-22 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-02-22 Pub. Date: 2017-02-22
Image Number: 154815
Caption: What was life really like in the Middle Ages, Sadie? A lot like today. There were a tiny handful of filthy rich feudal lords, and a huge mass of poor peasants who were too ignorant to see what was going on. What? No, I didn't really want to learn anything, I was just calling you "old." Let's try that again ... How did the sky over your house look after than asteroid wiped out all the dinosaurs? It looked brown. A lot like today.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-02-20 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-02-20 Pub. Date: 2017-02-20
Image Number: 154813
Caption: I've seen an awful lot of movies ever since they cut them all down to two minutes. What on earth are you talking about, little buddy? I watched more than 80 movies last night on Hulu, for free. Are you talking about trailers? When it shows the beginning, middle and end, it's a movie.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-01-22 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-01-22 Pub. Date: 2017-01-22
Image Number: 152745
Caption: The Fad Herald cometh. Is he goose-stepping? Hear ye: The following is in: Belligerence. Huh? Also in: Bullying, lying, yelling, cutting in line, and being very, very angry. Scapegoating less powerful groups than your own is also in. The following is out ... Nothing. Anything goes now. I've always wanted to scapegoat somebody.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-01-19 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-01-19 Pub. Date: 2017-01-19
Image Number: 153431
Caption: Welcome to Ask Sadie. You're on, Santa Cruz. What's your problem? I feel like something wonderful is about to end. Excellent question. That reminds me of the time great, great, great, great, great Grandma Cohen was a weather forecaster in France. The year was 1812 ... A short Frenchman with a spit-curl summoned her to his chateau on the outskirts of Versailles. He said "Tell me, witch, how will the weather be in Russia this year?" She took offense to being called a witch, so after consulting her cauldron and her buzzard, she lied and told him "The winter will be warmer than usual. Dress your troops casual." What were we talking about again? We were ... I ... don't remember.
     
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