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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-19 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-19 Pub. Date: 2017-10-19
Image Number: 163905
Caption: I'm tired of liberals using every mass shooting as an excuse to talk about having more gun regulations. Cars kill far more people than guns! Booze kills more people than gun! Tobacco kills more people than guns! Medical malpractice kills a lot more people than guns! You know that's why we regulate the heck out of all those things, right? I don't see what that has to do with anything.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-16 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-16 Pub. Date: 2017-10-16
Image Number: 163902
Caption: Do you have any idea how many mass shootings we've had in America this year? In just the first 75 days of the year, we had 273 mass shootings. That's almost one per day. There are more mass shootings than there are days in the baseball season. You know what that means, don't you? It mean mass shootings is America new national pastime. Stop stealing my lines.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-26 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-26 Pub. Date: 2017-09-26
Image Number: 163098
Caption: Did you hear me on the radio today, Clyde? The whole world heard you, Big L. You said eretime anyone mentions the new Star Trek show Discovery … and army of mindless drones reply "The Orville look more like Star Trek than Star Trek do." Yeah, but I was making a larger point about how the internet encourages groupthink. You just mad the group don't think like you.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-30 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-30 Pub. Date: 2017-08-30
Image Number: 162089
Caption: What do you mean you don't take Joss Whedon's ex-wife's article at face value? She wrote that he cheated on her for years. That settles everything. No it doesn't. All we heard is her side of the story. And she said at one point she moved away from her personal values to get closer to him. What does that mean. I'll tell you what it might mean: It might mean she knew more than she's letting on, but she was ok with it all the way until he decided to divorce her. Only then did she go back and rewrite history to portray herself as the totally unsuspecting victim. Is this about how your ex lied to the court about you? Is this about how your ex cheated on you?
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-16 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-16 Pub. Date: 2017-08-16
Image Number: 161533
Caption: You know what? If we ever create faster-than-light travel, we can prove whether Jesus existed. We found a planet orbiting a star in the Cygnus constellation 2,000 light years away. That means if we were there right now, we could peer back at earth through a super-powerful telescope and see events that happened 2,000 years ago. If Jesus were real, we could see him going about his business: performing miracles ... coming back from the dead ... picking his nose ... He never would've done that, Lemont. You know how much dust there is in the Middle East?
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-09 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-09 Pub. Date: 2017-08-09
Image Number: 161293
Caption: We're behind a lot of other countries in health care, social mobility, internet service, cellphone service, education … income equality, infrastructure, high-speed trains, voting, democratic representation, linguistic diversity, life expectancy, religious diversity, please, press freedom, child well-being, happiness, sleep, literacy, leisure, retirement security, gender equality, minimum wage, homicide rates, prosperity, the cost of food ... Other than military spending and the number of people we throw in prison, we're behind in almost everything ... so why do people still chant "we're number one!" All the time? Where we is on math?
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-05 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-05 Pub. Date: 2017-08-05
Image Number: 161035
Caption: You know what I love more than almost anything in this world, Clyde? … French fries. They're like a tragic, ill-fated romance. No matter how bad they are for me, I just can't stay away. Can I have some of your fries, Clyde? Sorry, bruh, my fries be monogamous.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-01 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-01 Pub. Date: 2017-08-01
Image Number: 161031
Caption: No, Lemont, I'm not going to tell you how much I earn. But why not? We're friends. I'll tell you how much I earn. It's not the same thing, Lemont. Why? Because you earn more than I do? Susan, why would you be worried about that? I wouldn't get all jealous or insecure about it or anything. How much money someone has says nothing about them. I'm glad you feel that way. How much nothing are we talking about?
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-18 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-18 Pub. Date: 2017-06-18
Image Number: 158658
Caption: I read your article bashing Congressman Thugman for assaulting a reporter, you'd better watch your back, Leroy. Lemont. Whatever. You should change your name to "Enemy of the American People." Trump said so, and he's right. How was he right? There's nothing more American than a free press. Read the first amendment. The press is enshrined in the Constitution! Journalists report being beaten, arrested. Oh yeah? Well, the so-called "Constitution" also enshrined slavery. Yeah, but then the Constitution abolished slavery, with the 13th amendment. Exactly. It's crazy for you to defend yourself with a document that can't even make up its mind. No wonder they're body-slamming you guys now. I'm starting to think you'll say anything just to win an argument. That's my first amendment right. Why do you hate the Constitution?
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-23 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-23 Pub. Date: 2017-04-23
Image Number: 156529
Caption: Hello, you've reached Sisyphus Mortgage. This is Ryan. How may I hinder you? I just got an ad saying you specialize in loans for self-employed people. I'm self-employed. I've taken all the tax deductions the law allows, so my income appears to be much smaller than it actually is. Is there any type of loan I'd qualify for? Of course. If you've got 24 months of bank statements that show you can easily afford the monthly payments, you may qualify for a "bank statement loan." I could get you bank statements. Great! ... Oh, one more thing, we also need to see receipts proving that your expenses match your bank accounts. You do? ... O ... K ... I'll see if I can dig those up. Great! ... Oh, one more thing, we'll also need to see your business license. Ryan, how many "one more things" are there? Before I can answer that, I just need one more thing ...
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-19 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-19 Pub. Date: 2017-04-19
Image Number: 157014
Caption: Fairness & Accuracy in Reporting surveyed the five top newspapers in America after our attack on Syria. They found that the papers ran 18 opinion pieces about the attack. Guess how many of them were opposed to it? And how many mentioned it was illegal? I'm guessing it was less than 18. It was zero. What I win? I was right, so do I win somethin'? You win a military industrial journalism complex.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-16 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-16 Pub. Date: 2017-04-16
Image Number: 156261
Caption: I read your article about the "Russian-y Hall" scandal. I have a question. Fire away, Susan. Why "Russian-y Hall"? Why not "Russiagate"? That's your question? Not "How did you find out all that info about Trump's staffers colluding with Russia?" Not "How did you get all those interviews with the Russians who bought hundreds of millions of dollars' worth of Trump real estate in Florida?" (Sigh) ... Fine ... The Trump scandals are more reminiscent of the 19th century Tammany Hall corruption than they are of Watergate. I explained all that in the first paragraph. I thought you said you read the article! Well, I sort of didn't go any further than the "Russian-y Hall or Russian-Pot Dome?" headline.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-19 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-19 Pub. Date: 2017-03-19
Image Number: 155130
Caption: Dear "journalist," I am offended by your biased hit-piece condemning so-called "Fake News." You wrote " … some of these sites' main sources seem to be their rear ends." Who are YOU to say what's fake and what's real? I don't know that your "sources" are any more "real" than my rear end. I know my rear end. I trust my rear end. You, on the other hand, are a total stranger to me. There's an old saying, doofus: "Truth is in the eye of the beholder." That's actually "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." Oh, I suppose one of your "sources" told you that? Sad!
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-17 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-17 Pub. Date: 2017-03-17
Image Number: 155656
Caption: I should be unhappy. Dr. Noodle. Yesterday, I stubbed my toe. My website went down. I got mugged. A man laughed at me when I asked for help. But at night when I tucked my boy in, he squeezed my nose and said "I love you daddy." All of a sudden I was happier than I've ever been in my life. If your happiness depends on that, I'm going to clean up when he's a teenager.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-12 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-12 Pub. Date: 2017-03-12
Image Number: 154859
Caption: What's wrong, Lemont? I think I'm done watching "The Flash." You know, the superhero who can run faster than a bullet. I just saw the episode where he has to fight someone who could teleport. But she could only teleport if she could see where she was going. After the Flash figured that out, he did all these things to limit her field of vision. He ran all around knocking out street lights, for instance. He did all sorts of things to make sure she couldn't see. All sorts of things ... except putting a bag over the villain's head. Well that would've been a pretty short episode. I'd rather have five minutes of brilliance than 45 minutes of not putting a bag over the villain's head.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-05 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-05 Pub. Date: 2017-03-05
Image Number: 154597
Caption: I just read that Bill Gates is set to become the world's first trillionaire by the year 2042. Which proves this is the greatest country on earth. Where else could one person amass more hundred dollar bills than there are people on earth? You know what I think? I think we should confiscate everything anyone earns over $1 billion and redistribute it. You what? It's only fair, when you think about it. Our billionaires became billionaires by automating and outsourcing and doing all sorts of things that put millions of Americans out of work. Redistributing the excess would give all those people a decent basic income, so they would never have to starve and die just because millionaires wanted to be billionaires. I'm practicing for April Fools. How'd I do? I didn't buy it for a second. Color-blinded.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-02 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-02 Pub. Date: 2017-03-02
Image Number: 155069
Caption: This morning, Lionel asked me how they make cereal and I realized … I had no idea. How am I supposed to keep my baby boy from growing up to be a moron if I can't even answer simple questions? Anyway, I found a video about cereal-making on Youtube and showed it to him. The best brad he'll be able to come up with when he's in school is "My dad can google better than your dad."
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-15 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-15 Pub. Date: 2017-02-15
Image Number: 154534
Caption: The Chronicle wants to hire me back and send me to cover the whole ISIS thing. A few years ago, I'd have jumped at the chance, no matter how dangerous it is over there for journalists, because the truth is more important than me. But now, all I can think of is that my baby boy needs me. I'm his whole world. That makes me more important than anything. Does that make me a responsible parent, or a raging narcissist? A little raging narcissism is a good thing. Ph.D.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-12 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-12 Pub. Date: 2017-02-12
Image Number: 153753
Caption: I'll take you back on one condition: No more cheating. Ok. Also, you'd better not even look at another woman. Ok. And you have to give me all your passwords so I can monitor all your social media accounts. Ok. And you have to go to counseling with me and admit how horrible a person you are. And you have to come home straight after work. And you have to get my permission to go anywhere else. And you can't talk to any females other than me or your mother. And you have to let me handle all your finances. And you have to keep quiet when my friends and family treat you like the trash you are for the rest of your life. I thought you said one condition. "Your life being over" IS one condition. Note to self: Never, ever, ever say "take me back."
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-11 than 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-11 Pub. Date: 2017-02-11
Image Number: 154242
Caption: What's wrong with you? I thought sitting on the sidewalk crack would make me happier. But after the initial thrill wore off, it became apparent to me it was no different from sitting beside it. This upends the entire paradigm, Rosencrantz. It means the hereafter is no happier than the ... the therebefore. I'm pretty sure "therebefore" hasn't been an actual word for a long, long time, Tyrone. And has that realization made you any happier?
     
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