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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-06 something 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-06 Pub. Date: 2018-01-06
Image Number: 166784
Caption: 1982. Do you believe in life after death, Susan? Of course. Me too. It's the first law of thermal dynamics. Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, it can only transmogrify into something else … like a sea anemone. I've decided I'll be a sea anemone. Not a care in the world, it's be a welcome interlude between this life and my next one where I'm a Jedi. I don't know if you get to choose what happens to your energy, Lemont. No offense, but I think Obi-Wan and Yoda know more about that than you do.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-01 something 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-01 Pub. Date: 2018-01-01
Image Number: 166779
Caption: I published my new book, Clyde. It's all about how I met my girlfriend and how Trump became president. It's called "Canada or Bust!" … Available right now from my website, from Amazon, and from a bookstore near you. Bruh … is we havin' a conversation, or is you tryna sell me somethin'? I would never try to sell my own friends something Clyde. That'd be tacky. Is that your book right there in your hands with the title pointed at my face?
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-13 something 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-13 Pub. Date: 2017-12-13
Image Number: 166003
Caption: What's wrong with you? Maybe it's the looming holidays, Rosencrantz. What does it bespeak of society that they've set aside that they've set aside a certain span of days on the calendar in which to be nice to one another? Am I the only one perturbed by a straitjacket of forced niceties people wrap themselves in? ... Am I the only one who so much as notices it? I told you, Tyrone, just because I got you something doesn't mean you have to get me something. See? Any other time of year, you'd whine about it! They got you too!
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-19 something 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-19 Pub. Date: 2017-11-19
Image Number: 164467
Caption: Great-looking hair, made easy. Just dye. We now return to our program. How much time do I have to save the kitten, bring Timmy his inhaler, and defuse the nuclear bomb? You have a lot less time than you did before you started that sentence. We'll be back after these messages ... I'm rally psyched Little Tyrant Pizza's bringing the flavor with its new pecan guacamole dipping sauce! A guy, a beach, a skateboard. A girl bouncing in slow motion. And these corn chips that have nothing to do with any of that. Buy them. Six other commercials that go on so long that you don't remember what show you're watching. Going back to Netflixing everything. And now back to our show ... What were we doing? Defusing something or other, I think.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-26 something 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-26 Pub. Date: 2017-10-26
Image Number: 164150
Caption: Dear Lemont Brown, This is an attempt to collect a debt … for something you don't remember having bought. And even if you do remember, you bought it so long ago that odds are you haven't kept any records proving you already paid for it. Sign here and include a check to admit defeat and make this all go away. Lemont Brown.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-01 something 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-01 Pub. Date: 2017-10-01
Image Number: 162685
Caption: I just finished reading Hillary Clinton's book, "What Had Happened Was … " Sound like a good book, bruh. I thought so. But you know, the real title was supposed to be "What Happened." So I figured I was just seeing things. But then I notices something. Whachoo noticed, Big L? All the other books on my bookshelf had unfamiliar titles too. I noticed my old copy of "1984" was not called "2017." "Deliverance" was not called "They Shoulda Stayed They Butts at Home." the book I thought was called "To Kill a Mockingbird" was not called "Black Man's Tragedy as a Growth Experience for a Little White Girl." Do you happen to have Photoshop, a printer and too much time on your hands? Must be that "Mandela Effect" think you always be talkin' 'bout. Give me back my old bookcovers.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-22 something 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-22 Pub. Date: 2017-09-22
Image Number: 162852
Caption: Even after all these years, momma still won't tell me who my father is. All I know is, she met him when she was a waitress at a casino in Vegas, back in the seventies. I feel like she owes it to me to tell me. Your mom gave you life, raised you all by herself, worked from sunup to sundown to give you everything you needed ... Yeah, she really does "owe" you something. Glad you agree.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-01 something 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-01 Pub. Date: 2017-09-01
Image Number: 162091
Caption: Hey, Clyde. Wanna go hang out on the roof? Don’t you do that with Susan? Where she at? She's not talking to me right now. I told her I couldn't just take Joss Whedon's wife's account of their marriage at face value, because people sometimes don't tell the entire truth. Them's your mistake, bruh. You shoulda had just one thing to say 'bout the whole issue: "I don't care 'bout that." I think that's a dangerous philosophy. If something's in the news we've got to care. Wanna know why? I don't care 'bout that.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-14 something 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-14 Pub. Date: 2017-08-14
Image Number: 161531
Caption: Remember when we were kids, we used to talk about all the places we wanted to visit? Yeah. Well … I'm halfway through my list, and I've realized something. Some of the countries I wanted to visit don't exist anymore. You know what that mean, Lemont? It means you're very, very old, Susan. You ever realize you've said something out loud that you didn't mean to say out loud? It means someday our country won't be h ... Wait, what?
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-10 something 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-10 Pub. Date: 2017-07-10
Image Number: 160219
Caption: What're you doing, Susan? That's her! That's that chick Lemont's dating! I'd know that face anywhere!! Look, I have something important to ask you, Susan. But that's not Lemont! Where are you going? This isn't any of your business. I'm just going to have a calm, woman-to-woman chat with her about how she's mistreating my best friend. Why're you taking off your heels and earrings? No reason. Marry me.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-05 something 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-05 Pub. Date: 2017-07-05
Image Number: 159981
Caption: Lemont interviews California Assembly Speaker Anthony Rendon (D). You single-handedly blocked SB-562, the popular single-payer bill that had already passed the state Senate. That's right. It lacked specifics. I refused to allow the assembly to consider it because it was woefully incomplete. Well ... why didn't you just complete it? Isn't completing it something the assembly can do, Mr. Assembly Speaker? Bsssht ... Bsssht... You're breaking up ...
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-03 something 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-03 Pub. Date: 2017-07-03
Image Number: 159979
Caption: We've been together for a year, Solnishko. "Solnishko"? That's from mother Russia. It's me telling you you're my sunshine. Anyway, I have something to ask you, my myshka. Your "myshka"? Means my cute little mouse in Russian. "Mouse"? Mice are rodents. Susan, are you trying to change the subject? You know rodents spread diseases, right? How dare you.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-27 something 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-27 Pub. Date: 2017-06-27
Image Number: 159709
Caption: That's a shame. What's a shame? Did I do something wrong, officer? TSA. Yes, you did. You let your boyfriend turn you down. So what if he's 15,000 miles away in Russia? If I were your man, I'd never let that stop me. I would fly to the ends of the earth for you. This routing ever work for you? Good lord this routine must work for you.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-21 something 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-21 Pub. Date: 2017-05-21
Image Number: 157604
Caption: I'm tired of people complaining about how the coral reefs have pretty much died off. I mean yeah, a huge variety of fish and other sealife rely on the coral reefs. And yeah, about 500 million people in turn depend on that sealife for food, jobs and recreation. But it's not mankind's fault those sea creatures decided to sponge off the hard work of the polyps that made all the coral. Wait ... what? ... and it's not our fault that 500 million people didn't think ahead and get real jobs instead of sponging off welfare fish. Besides, marine habitats are something better left to private industry. If the fish really want vast expanses of underwater limestone shelters, let them buy it on the free market like the rest of us. Besides, I was just wasting my time with all those snorkeling vacations. I should've been working. You're just trying to make yourself feel better. Newsweak.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-11 something 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-11 Pub. Date: 2017-05-11
Image Number: 157810
Caption: How was I supposed to know it was innocent? You asked me to "hold something" for you. Never in the history of man has that turned out well for the person who's said "ok." Yeah, well Big Oatmeal an' the rest of the boys found it in my closet. All I could think of to save my rep was to say "I sell them things for $5 at the playground." I'm still not helping you break into "Big Oatmeal's" house to steal back you old Teddy Ruxpin. You ain't no real friend.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-10 something 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-10 Pub. Date: 2017-05-10
Image Number: 157809
Caption: I need you to hold something for me, bruh. No. But I swear it won't get you into any trouble. No. Ain't you s'posed to help your friends? No. "I need you to hold something for me" don't always end bad. NO.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-27 something 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-27 Pub. Date: 2017-04-27
Image Number: 157287
Caption: Clyde, if something ever happens to me … Don’t worry, bruh. I'll take you kid an' raise him up for you. I'll teach him all he need to know about life. He'll be the baddest two-year-old on the block. Ain't nobody gonna mess with him. I'll also teach him erethang you woulda taught him: I'll make him watch Star Track an' Doctor Boo an' some @#$% like that. Long as he ain't a snitch, we'll be cool. I was just going to say "call Susan."
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-26 something 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-26 Pub. Date: 2017-04-26
Image Number: 157286
Caption: Tell me again why you ain't gone to the doctor 'bout your heart, Big L? I lost my health insurance. I've saved all my life for a down payment on a house, so I'll have something to leave to my son. If I go to the hospital, I'll probably lose it all and he'll inherit nothing. But I have life insurance, so if I die, he'll inherit my savings and $2 million. This country be messed up, bruh. I've recorded 18 years' worth of advice and dad-jokes for him.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-25 something 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-25 Pub. Date: 2017-04-25
Image Number: 157285
Caption: Susan called 911 on me, Clyde. She was trying to get them to come take me in for a heart attack she thought I was having. But they put her on hold. And after a while, she sort of fell asleep and I sort of snuck away. Whachoomean "sort of," Big L? Ain't no such thing as "sort of." Somethin' either be or be not, bruh. One ambulance ride and one day in the hospital would eat up my whole life savings. Dead people ain't got no life savings, bruh.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-19 something 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-19 Pub. Date: 2017-04-19
Image Number: 157014
Caption: Fairness & Accuracy in Reporting surveyed the five top newspapers in America after our attack on Syria. They found that the papers ran 18 opinion pieces about the attack. Guess how many of them were opposed to it? And how many mentioned it was illegal? I'm guessing it was less than 18. It was zero. What I win? I was right, so do I win somethin'? You win a military industrial journalism complex.
     
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