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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-22 show 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-22 Pub. Date: 2018-04-22
Image Number: 170147
Caption: Here we have a fabulous, publicly owned power grid. It served an island that was home to 3 million American citizens, until it was devastated by a natural disaster. Bidding starts at $3 billion. $3 billion! $4 billion! We have $4 billion. $4 billion going once ... $4 billion going twice ... Sold, to the gentleman from Foreignvania, for $4 billion! Is this the room where they're auctioning off Captain Picard's flute for Star Trek? You want the Macarthur Ballroom. 3rd floor. Here we have a fabulous-but-devastated public education system ...
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-19 show 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-19 Pub. Date: 2018-04-19
Image Number: 170577
Caption: … and that's when I told Dick Fink he was on thin ice. Forgetting to tell me about the Ask Sadie radio show meeting was one thing … but accidentally replacing my Powerpoint with a slideshow full of Photoshopped pictures of me kicking puppies is something else. My boss won't let me fire him. He even said I was overreacting and being self-centered ... Actually, I asked if you wanted to hear about my day. And guess what else he said ...
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-03-31 show 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-03-31 Pub. Date: 2018-03-31
Image Number: 169890
Caption: Sure, there are probably aliens. But why would they want to come here? The answer's obvious. How many of us tune in to insipid reality shows like The Bachelor and Real Housewives? If there's on thing we should all be able to agree on, it's that world history's been a bit melodramatic. We can't be the only species enthralled by the eternal question: What the @#$% is going on over there?
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-03-08 show 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-03-08 Pub. Date: 2018-03-08
Image Number: 169166
Caption: I had a strange day today, Susan I totally know how that is … My day was strange, too. On the one hand, I landed the Ask Sadie Radio Show account. And I got a huge bonus. On the other hand, I discovered an underground gambling ring where people bet on how many cups of coffee I'll drink my noon. It's annoying when someone pretends to sympathize with you just so she can change the subject to her. I totally know how that is ...
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-03-05 show 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-03-05 Pub. Date: 2018-03-05
Image Number: 169163
Caption: What Donald Trump up to now, dawg? That fool crazy. I don't know what Donald Trump's up to, Clyde. I refuse to keep paying him any attention. I don't slow down to watch accidents on the freeway, I don't watch reality shows, and I don't think about Trump. I'm above all that. If he said at 10:04 this morning he'd wanna ban all Muslim immigrants, I bet you'd know about it by 10:05. He already ... um ... never mind.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-02-27 show 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-02-27 Pub. Date: 2018-02-27
Image Number: 168928
Caption: I checked my news site's stats, and 98% of my readers these days are form the United States and Canada. It's almost as if the entire rest of the world has decided to stop reading news about the United States. What do you think I could do to get international readers to come back to my site? I mean, short of getting the western world to see us as their leader again. Have you tried showing some leg? C-Dog's Incredibly Bad Advice $2.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-02-19 show 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-02-19 Pub. Date: 2018-02-19
Image Number: 168660
Caption: North Korea just detonated a hydrogen bomb and warned that it's ready to go to war. Click. An alarming new study proves that something in your apartment is almost certain to cause elbow cancer. Stay tuned to find out what it is. Click. The dwarf planet Ceres seems to have broken orbit and is plummeting straight toward earth. Stay tu ... Click. " ... Gilligaaaan, the Skipper toooo, the millionaire, and his wiiiiiiiife ... "
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-02-02 show 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-02-02 Pub. Date: 2018-02-02
Image Number: 167921
Caption: 1980. I don't think I like that Luke Skywalker can fly. What do you mean? Jedi can't fly. That's silly. Then how come he flew up out of that carbonite pit when Vader tried to freezify him? And how come he changed direction while he was falling on Cloud City and flew right into that trash chute? None of that happened. Yes it did! (Sigh) You didn't even notice it 'cause movies always show men doing amazing things. I bet if Princess Leia were to ever fly, men everywhere would get their Underoos all in a bunch over it. You don't give us men enough credit.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-10 show 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-10 Pub. Date: 2018-01-10
Image Number: 167091
Caption: Did you see that Dave Chappelle special? I turned it off after he started getting political. Politics has no place in comedy. Not in sitcoms, not in comic strips, not in stand-up routines. Except for Donald Trump. Best insult-comic ever. That guy's hilarious. It's all starting to makes sense. He should've picked Andrew Dice Clay for VP, though.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-07 show 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-07 Pub. Date: 2018-01-07
Image Number: 166341
Caption: I saw that article you wrote about net neutrality being killed. What a bunch of whiny, panicky snowflakery. You wrote "get ready to pay extra to stream your favorite shows and make internet calls." Yeah. Before net neutrality, AT&T throttled Skye and didn't stop until pressured by the FCC and consumers. You scared? You wrote "get ready to pay a fee to connect your smart home to the internet." That's right ... Without net neutrality, there are no rules to prevent your ISP from charging you whatever fees they want. Maybe you need a safe space where the big bad ISP can't get to your piggy bank. You know, you're kind of rude. Oh, you're going to get personal now? You've clearly lost the debate if you have to resort to personal attacks. What the -- you got personal. I was just ... (sigh) ... oh, forget it. Don't get upset. I just won the Gaslighting Association's Internet-Arguing World Championship. I'm just celebrating.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-26 show 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-26 Pub. Date: 2017-11-26
Image Number: 165350
Caption: Women and men are coming forward and exposing all the powerful guys who've sexually harassed them. Its making me feel awfully worried and guilty. Dr. Noodle. Why? I'm worried that at any moment, a victim is going to come forward and ruin my life. That's natural. Think about it this way, though. If whoever it is you abused does come forward, you'll have a chance to come clean and clear your conscience. Huh? I've never abused anyone. I'm confused. I've already lost "House of Cards." This seems to be so pervasive, I could lose everything I spend my life watching. What'll I lose next, "Walking Dead"? "Man in the High Castle"? ... If they take "Big Bang Theory" my life'll pretty much be over. Just curious: Have you ever heard the phrases "get a life" and "it's not about you"? Hence the guilt.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-24 show 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-24 Pub. Date: 2017-11-24
Image Number: 165151
Caption: You look like Big Bird. Excuse me? No I don't. And didn't your mom ever tell you not to talk to strangers? You're not a stranger. You're Big Bird. I've been watching you all my life. I. Am. Not. Big Bird. Sing "Riding a Tricycle," Big Bird. I'm not going to ask twice. It's my day off, kid.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-19 show 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-19 Pub. Date: 2017-11-19
Image Number: 164467
Caption: Great-looking hair, made easy. Just dye. We now return to our program. How much time do I have to save the kitten, bring Timmy his inhaler, and defuse the nuclear bomb? You have a lot less time than you did before you started that sentence. We'll be back after these messages ... I'm rally psyched Little Tyrant Pizza's bringing the flavor with its new pecan guacamole dipping sauce! A guy, a beach, a skateboard. A girl bouncing in slow motion. And these corn chips that have nothing to do with any of that. Buy them. Six other commercials that go on so long that you don't remember what show you're watching. Going back to Netflixing everything. And now back to our show ... What were we doing? Defusing something or other, I think.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-18 show 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-18 Pub. Date: 2017-11-18
Image Number: 164875
Caption: What up witcha girl Siri, bruh? What do you mean? I was mindin' my business, watchin' "Gilligan's Island." All of a sudden cops bust down my door an' demand to know what I done to my "little buddy." The rookie cop kept screamin' "Drop the coconut." Oh yeah. I forgot to mention Apple's Siri sometimes calls the police if it thinks the voices from the tv told it to call 911. I ain't even had no coconut.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-13 show 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-13 Pub. Date: 2017-11-13
Image Number: 164870
Caption: The ultra right wing's frantic warnings saved this country from an ANTIFA apocalypse back on November 4th. (Sigh) No, they didn't. ANTIFA was going to try and overthrow the Trump government by violently taking over every street corner in America. (Sigh) No. They weren't. Right. That's 'cause they must've found out we were on to them. I personally showed up with my rifles just in case they tried anything, and that's why none of them tried anything. We stopped it. You're welcome. You didn't stop anyth -- ... They were never going to overthr -- (Sigh) ... Oh, never mind. Show some respect, you're talking to a veteran of November the fourth.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-10 show 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-10 Pub. Date: 2017-11-10
Image Number: 164653
Caption: 1982. When I grow up, I want to be a single dad, Lemont. You mean "single mom"? Are you kidding? Compare "Alice" or "Gloria" or "One Day at a Time" with "Diff'rent Strokes" or "Silver Spoons." Single moms all struggle for long hours in dead-end, low-wage jobs. But single dads are all millionaires who don't seem to need jobs at all. My goal in life is to prove tv wrong, is what I'm saying. Fred Sanford's a single dad and he's always having heart attacks.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-09 show 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-09 Pub. Date: 2017-11-09
Image Number: 164652
Caption: 1982. Do you think there's still gonna be mean people in the 21st century, Lemont? Nah. People are getting nicer all the time. Momma and I watched "Roots" back when I was just a little kid. It was about the olden days. A lot of people in those times were clearly very, very mean. But just the other day, I was playing in the park with my Fonzie action figure when some strange man told me "go back where you came from." How was that nice? Well, I went home, and there was a brand new cake there. I don't know how that man knew, but I wish I could thank him.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-30 show 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-30 Pub. Date: 2017-10-30
Image Number: 164415
Caption: North Korea sent a desperate letter to the western world last week. They urged the west to rein in Trump. They seemed to feel like they're backed into a corner, they're hurt, and they're about to be attacked. And you know what they say about backing a wounded animal into a corner. They say "corner that punk. Show it who boss." They say "don't do it."
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-29 show 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-29 Pub. Date: 2017-10-29
Image Number: 163801
Caption: Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one in the office who notices the boss is a moron. Dr Noodle. Well … is he a moron? Certifiably. I even looked up the definition to be sure. A "moron" is defines as "a stupid person." So then I looked up "stupid" just to be sure. It means "having or showing a great lack of intelligence or common sense." I see you've given this a lot of thought. Yeah. Problem is, the last time he displayed his dingbattery I lose my temper and said "moron" out loud. The cretin heard about it. So to cover my behind, I had everyone gather around me and I praised him effusively. I laid it on thick, really buttered him up. Any intelligent person would have seen right through that. But your boss bought it. Instantly! See? Moron! How come no one else at works sees it?
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-27 show 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-27 Pub. Date: 2017-10-27
Image Number: 164151
Caption: I wish I could visit the alternate universe were the Kennedy brothers had never been assassinated. In that universe, we never escalated in Vietnam, Nixon was never president, we never ended the Apollo program … I was born on the moon, Carter and Reagan were never presidents, so Iran never turned out to be what it is and we never helped create all these terrorists ... and "Chappelle's Show" never went off the air. You really need to let that go, Lemont.
     
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