Hello, this is cable news. Oh. I'm Mortimer Park. Our records show you didn't click on a single clip of the missiles our navy shot at Syria. I didn't what on the what now? We bought your complete web browsing history from your internet service provider. How could you resist watching all those beautiful instruments of death and destruction soar into the night sky. House of Java Cybercafe. Get out of my computer machine! What's with all your visits to old-biddies-doing-yoga-dot-com? ... Freak.
I bet you've filled your head with so many tweets and Instagrams that you've crowded out all your actual memories of your own life. Nonsense. I remember way back, all the way to … well let's see … oh, I've got it … My earliest memory was opening an America Online cd, putting it in our old PC, and seeing that symbol. You do realize that was the 1990s don't you? You must have already been in your teens. You are a very sick generation! I get misty-eyed when I think back to "you've got mail!"