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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-28 really 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-28 Pub. Date: 2017-09-28
Image Number: 163100
Caption: … So anyway, I had to fire an art director, a copywriter, a designer, a production artist and our web designer because of that donkey incident. That's too bad. But you did the right thing … you made the tough decision … "Always do what's best for the donkey," that's my motto. You know, I can tell when you haven't really been listening. What? I was totally listening! Then tell me what happened with the donkey. It's too atrocious for words. Nice try.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-24 really 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-24 Pub. Date: 2017-09-24
Image Number: 162394
Caption: I can't shake the feeling that nothing is really real, doc. Dr. Noodle. I just got my doctorate in history. And I watch the news every day. And I've started feeling like I've wasted my whole life studying things that never happened. I mean, if everything I see happening right now is "fake," how am I supposed to trust history? How am I supposed to know that Mussolini or Napoleon or Genghis Khan or Robespierre or Caligula were ever really all that bad? Maybe all the journalists and scribes who chronicled their reigns were part of an age-old fake-news conspiracy dating all the way back to the days of Peisistratos? I see. When exactly did these doubts begin? Oh, about 546 B.C.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-22 really 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-22 Pub. Date: 2017-09-22
Image Number: 162852
Caption: Even after all these years, momma still won't tell me who my father is. All I know is, she met him when she was a waitress at a casino in Vegas, back in the seventies. I feel like she owes it to me to tell me. Your mom gave you life, raised you all by herself, worked from sunup to sundown to give you everything you needed ... Yeah, she really does "owe" you something. Glad you agree.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-11 really 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-11 Pub. Date: 2017-09-11
Image Number: 162597
Caption: Remember that video of police attackin' that blond white woman nurse for just doin' her job? Remember Justine Diamond, white woman the police shot in her pajamas? Remember the hundreds of people of all races unnecessarily shot by cops in the past few years? Remember the huge "All Lives Matter" protests that broke out eretime? Glad to see I was wrong about "All Lives Matter" bein' just another way of sayin' "shut up an' take it, n*****." My "Sarcasm Monday" idea really caught on. Look at Wino Larry over there relievin' hisself. What a beautiful sight.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-21 really 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-21 Pub. Date: 2017-08-21
Image Number: 161800
Caption: You remember that racist KKK/Nazi/White-supremacist rally in Charlottesville? 'Course, bruh. I think I may have really touched all those people I usually argue with online. Ever since that terrorist rally, every time I write that there's nothing wrong with having lots of women and minorities on the new Star Trek show, not a single person has dismissed me as a "cuck" or a "beta" or a "virtue-signaller" or a "social justice warrior." You think maybe because of Charlottesville, all the social injustice warriors have had an awakening? Nah, they probably just on vacation, like Congress.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-18 really 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-18 Pub. Date: 2017-08-18
Image Number: 161535
Caption: 1982. Mr. Barnhouse said the ancient Greeks thought gorillas were a myth. And people thought manatees were myths too. People used to think the platypus was a hoax. But it's real! … or so they'd like us to believe. You know what this means, right? It means every other creature that's thought to be a myth must also be real. I really don't think Pegasus, Medusa and the Kraken are real. I've just scientifically proven they are. Don't be so anti-science.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-13 really 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-13 Pub. Date: 2017-08-13
Image Number: 160919
Caption: Hi momma … What do you mean you've been deported? … Yes, yes, I do know about your love for bean pie. What's that have to do with … Really? ICE raided Muhammad's Bean Pie Shack? … But why would they think you weren't a citizen? … So what if you didn't have ID! This is Ameri -- They did what? They asked you questions to make you prove you're a citizen? ... What questions? ... I see. Listen, momma, when armed goons handcuff you and demand that you tell them who the president it, I don't care what your politics are, you don't answer "Donald Duck." ... Yes, momma, I do see the similarities. But the time for political satire is before they come for you. Not during. Yes, I am flossing regular -- Momma, let me call a lawyer -- Yes, I know, but Cousin Pookie is a divorce attorney. No, it's not the same --
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-03 really 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-03 Pub. Date: 2017-08-03
Image Number: 161033
Caption: Big L, your checkin' account be overdrawn. Really? Thanks for … wait, how do you know I'm overdrawn? You might wanna warn a brotha next time. That !@#$ was embarrassin'. I had to put back all my groceries. I knew a decoy account was a good idea.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-12 really 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-12 Pub. Date: 2017-07-12
Image Number: 160221
Caption: Meanwhile, in Candorville … Susan! Hold on! You can't go confront Lemont's girlfriend just 'cause she's here with another guy. You don't know what's really going on. Well … I'll just watch first. Marry me. And if she catches you spying on her? You'll alienate her. And if you see something? Then what? You'll break them up? It's not your place. Yes, it is. If anyone's going to ruin my best friend's life, it should be me. Are you listening to yourself? Now's not the time for that.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-29 really 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-29 Pub. Date: 2017-06-29
Image Number: 159711
Caption: Lemont's in Russia … Where'd you take Rudy Park? He was on the boat with me. I was writing a story about him when someone … Oh, come, come … It's as if you've never seen stooge whisked away by unmarked black van to meet with rich Mafia-connected oligarch before. Anyway, you wanted to talk about interference with election. No really, but ... ok. Which one? 1953 overthrow of Iran's Mossadegh? 1954 overthrow of Guatemala's Arbenz? 1960 overthrow of Congolese Prime Minister Lumumba? 1964 overthrow of Brazil's Goulart? 1973 coup in Chile? I see what you're doing. Oh wait ... those were yours.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-07 really 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-07 Pub. Date: 2017-06-07
Image Number: 158827
Caption: How can I help you, sir? The monitor stopped working. I can't follow the plane's progress. I don't know where we are. Well … sir, you don't really need to know where we are at all time. You're not the pilot. But you were showing me our location. I got used to seeing it. It was comforting. You can't just snatch it away! Don't you have other binkies? Where's you iPhone? I need to know precisely when we pass the North Pole!
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-05 really 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-05 Pub. Date: 2017-06-05
Image Number: 158825
Caption: To: Lemont Brown. From: UC Berkeley Alumni Association. Hey LB, it's Louis Black. Remember me? We worked at the school paper together. We're putting together a class of '97 Reunion. Hope you can make it. Also, are you in touch with any other '97 grads we should invite? Hi, Louis! I did hear from my college roommate, Kenneth Noh. He called me a couple years ago to invite me to join ISIS with him. Delete delete delete. Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap. Divided Airlines. Hi, Louis! I am following my other college roommate, Rudy Park, to Russia, where he's meeting with Putin's henchman in order to ... Delete delete delete. Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap. Divided Airlines. Hi Louis! ... Nah, I don't really know anyone anymore. Send. Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-28 really 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-28 Pub. Date: 2017-05-28
Image Number: 157865
Caption: Sometimes I think you don't really like my mother. When I told you she's coming to stay with us for a month … you didn't say anything for five whole seconds. And then all you said was "ok." It would've been nice if you'd been enthusiastic and happy, and talked about all the fun things we'll do with her, and about how grateful you are she wants to spend time with us. I just don't relish the thought have having two people in our house who judge my every word. There you go with the five seconds again. You're such a jerk. Being single is underrated.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-27 really 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-27 Pub. Date: 2017-05-27
Image Number: 158345
Caption: I knew it was only a matter of time till you called me, babe. I called you by accident. Call it fate … call it kismet … call it lokomaika'i … Is that Hawaiian for "accident"? It was only a matter of time till you realized that those other women were really no big deal after all. Phil Anders. Listen to me. I. Called. You. By. Accident. I butt-dialed you. Give us a kiss.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-21 really 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-21 Pub. Date: 2017-05-21
Image Number: 157604
Caption: I'm tired of people complaining about how the coral reefs have pretty much died off. I mean yeah, a huge variety of fish and other sealife rely on the coral reefs. And yeah, about 500 million people in turn depend on that sealife for food, jobs and recreation. But it's not mankind's fault those sea creatures decided to sponge off the hard work of the polyps that made all the coral. Wait ... what? ... and it's not our fault that 500 million people didn't think ahead and get real jobs instead of sponging off welfare fish. Besides, marine habitats are something better left to private industry. If the fish really want vast expanses of underwater limestone shelters, let them buy it on the free market like the rest of us. Besides, I was just wasting my time with all those snorkeling vacations. I should've been working. You're just trying to make yourself feel better. Newsweak.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-06 really 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-06 Pub. Date: 2017-05-06
Image Number: 157550
Caption: That was embarrassin', Lemont. I ain't never seen a brotha get hustled like that before. It's like you got no street training at all. What happened to erethang I taught you, bruh? A whole lifetime of lessons was just straight lost on you. I wanted 20 boxes of Girl Scout cookies. I really did. Keep tellin' yourself that.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-29 really 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-29 Pub. Date: 2017-04-29
Image Number: 157289
Caption: 1982. What'll life be like when we're 40? It'll be the 21st century, Susan. We'll have achieved all sorts of things. There won't be any more poverty. Little kids won't have to go hungry. Russia won't be such a poopyhead. The cold war will be over. We'll either all be friends because we're just so tired of being enemies, or we'll all be radioactive mutants. Either way, it'll be really cool. Momma says there won't be any more Vietnams because we learned our lesson ... Whatever that means.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-03 really 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-03 Pub. Date: 2017-04-03
Image Number: 156465
Caption: So what if you can't get a mortgage to buy a house? If you really want to move to Canada, why not just rent? Because I've live in the same tiny $600 rent-controlled apartment my whole adult life, I've saved every month for decades, and I haven't bought a new computer since 2003. I've done all this so that one day I could afford to buy a house and have something to leave my son. Spending fifty billion dollars a month on rent might make that a little hard to do. You're exaggerating ... a little.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-02 really 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-02 Pub. Date: 2017-04-02
Image Number: 155710
Caption: You realize we've been fighting in Afghanistan for fifteen years now? The war's old enough to get a work permit. The war's old enough to get married in seven states, with parental consent. The Candorville Chronicle. Trump Hotel Mars not cause of NASA … The war's old enough to be held criminally liable for breaking the law. It's old enough to roll its eyes at its parents and think they don't know anything about anything. Dems consider, reject change. The Afghanistan war is old enough to have read Orwell's "1984," in which he wrote "The war is not meant to be won, it is meant to be continuous." Wait ... we're still in Afghanistan? The war is old enough to Google that quote and find out Orwell didn't really write that.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-22 really 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-22 Pub. Date: 2017-03-22
Image Number: 155915
Caption: What do you mean I didn't tell you I was moving to Canada? Of course I told you. Did not. I wrote a three-part article about it for my site. I posted it on Facebook. I tweeted it. I Instagrammed a photo of myself applying for a passport, wearing a "Canada's Always Been Great" shirt and sucking on a maple-leaf shaped lollipop. If you were really my best friend, you'd have told me personally. If you were really my best friend, you'd actually read the things I write.
     
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