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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-04 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-04 Pub. Date: 2017-12-04
Image Number: 165703
Caption: Trump's FCC is about to kill "net neutrality." That means internet service providers can slow down or even block sites they don't want customers to see. Take Concast Cable, for instance. They could put Netflix, Hulu and Amazon on a separate "premium tier." They could slow sites like mind down so much no one will bother reading them. I still don't understand why you posted an article about how great Concast's logo is. It's to make up for that time I wrote a 48-part expose of their horrible business practices. Dios mio.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-03 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-03 Pub. Date: 2017-08-03
Image Number: 161033
Caption: Big L, your checkin' account be overdrawn. Really? Thanks for … wait, how do you know I'm overdrawn? You might wanna warn a brotha next time. That !@#$ was embarrassin'. I had to put back all my groceries. I knew a decoy account was a good idea.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-13 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-13 Pub. Date: 2017-06-13
Image Number: 159152
Caption: C'mon, little man. We goin' to Uncle C-Dog place 'cause you pop's done gone to … wait … what's wrong, Bruh? Brixton. He's being not nice. Day care. Whachoomean? What Brixton done? He push you off the sings? He put sand in your hair? He take your dinosaur? Lionel. Sophie. He said my daddy is and "enema of the American people because he's a journalist." don't nobody take Lionel Brown dinosaur. Wait ... what? I told Ms. Karen but Brixton said it was fake news.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-05 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-05 Pub. Date: 2017-06-05
Image Number: 158825
Caption: To: Lemont Brown. From: UC Berkeley Alumni Association. Hey LB, it's Louis Black. Remember me? We worked at the school paper together. We're putting together a class of '97 Reunion. Hope you can make it. Also, are you in touch with any other '97 grads we should invite? Hi, Louis! I did hear from my college roommate, Kenneth Noh. He called me a couple years ago to invite me to join ISIS with him. Delete delete delete. Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap. Divided Airlines. Hi, Louis! I am following my other college roommate, Rudy Park, to Russia, where he's meeting with Putin's henchman in order to ... Delete delete delete. Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap. Divided Airlines. Hi Louis! ... Nah, I don't really know anyone anymore. Send. Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-03 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-03 Pub. Date: 2017-06-03
Image Number: 158605
Caption: Heavenly father, should I preside over a gay wedding even if it means half my congregation will quit in protest? Should I lead my flock to the right side of history … Reverend of the Year 2000 … even if the sheep that put the most in the collection plate feel cozy on the wrong side? Give me a sign, heavenly father ... So you're saying I should ponder on this a few more years.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-26 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-26 Pub. Date: 2017-05-26
Image Number: 158344
Caption: … So Ace Peerless and I were parasailing, and out of nowhere, he took out his knife, cut his cords, and plummeted into the ocean. Of all the times I've had men run out in the middle of an argument, that was by far the most annoying. Susan, I said my old college roommate Rudy Park is a Russian spy, and a federal agent put me on a plane to Moscow to follow him and expose how he's helping Putin blackmail the president! Not being heard. That is my biggest pet peeve, Lemont. Ace knows that. Could you pick my son up from daycare?
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-14 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-14 Pub. Date: 2017-05-14
Image Number: 157342
Caption: They got to him. I don't know how, but they got to him. Dr. Noodle. I should've seen it coming, though. After all, a guy who gets all butt-hurt about questions is the White House Spokesman in charge of answering questions. A guy who opposes paid leave and equal pay is in charge of the White House's responses to women's issues. A guy who doesn't believe in climate change is in charge of the EPA. A reputed bigot is in charge of enforcing civil rights. Trump even tried to put a guy whose company violated wage, hour and child labor laws in charge of the Department of Labor. I still don't think we know what Luke Skywalker meant by "it's time for the Jedi to end." I don't like Star Wars now that I know it's set in the Trump White House.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-05 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-05 Pub. Date: 2017-05-05
Image Number: 157549
Caption: I can't watch Lionel for you tonight, Big L. I got things to do. People to set straight. Thunder to bring. Punks to put in check. They don't know who they messin' with. But they gonna learn tonight. This is why I never go with you to return defective products. You can't tell me Target ain't know they toaster busted.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-25 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-25 Pub. Date: 2017-04-25
Image Number: 157285
Caption: Susan called 911 on me, Clyde. She was trying to get them to come take me in for a heart attack she thought I was having. But they put her on hold. And after a while, she sort of fell asleep and I sort of snuck away. Whachoomean "sort of," Big L? Ain't no such thing as "sort of." Somethin' either be or be not, bruh. One ambulance ride and one day in the hospital would eat up my whole life savings. Dead people ain't got no life savings, bruh.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-11 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-11 Pub. Date: 2017-04-11
Image Number: 156719
Caption: What was in that burrito you made? It's giving me serious heartburn. Whachoomean, dawg? Ain't nothin' in there I don't always put in there. That's a double negative. Are you saying there wasn't anything unusual in there, or are you saying there was? That questions don't make no sense. Now you're just messing with me.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-04 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-04 Pub. Date: 2017-04-04
Image Number: 156466
Caption: Good game, Big L. You only put it in the wrong basket once. I was preoccupied, Clyde. Taxes are due. If I take too many deductions, my income'll look tiny and I won't qualify for a mortgage. I see, bruh. When we was kids, your excuse was "the sun was in my eyes." Also, I saw an unfamiliar mole and wondered if it was malignant.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-12 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-12 Pub. Date: 2017-03-12
Image Number: 154859
Caption: What's wrong, Lemont? I think I'm done watching "The Flash." You know, the superhero who can run faster than a bullet. I just saw the episode where he has to fight someone who could teleport. But she could only teleport if she could see where she was going. After the Flash figured that out, he did all these things to limit her field of vision. He ran all around knocking out street lights, for instance. He did all sorts of things to make sure she couldn't see. All sorts of things ... except putting a bag over the villain's head. Well that would've been a pretty short episode. I'd rather have five minutes of brilliance than 45 minutes of not putting a bag over the villain's head.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-05 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-05 Pub. Date: 2017-03-05
Image Number: 154597
Caption: I just read that Bill Gates is set to become the world's first trillionaire by the year 2042. Which proves this is the greatest country on earth. Where else could one person amass more hundred dollar bills than there are people on earth? You know what I think? I think we should confiscate everything anyone earns over $1 billion and redistribute it. You what? It's only fair, when you think about it. Our billionaires became billionaires by automating and outsourcing and doing all sorts of things that put millions of Americans out of work. Redistributing the excess would give all those people a decent basic income, so they would never have to starve and die just because millionaires wanted to be billionaires. I'm practicing for April Fools. How'd I do? I didn't buy it for a second. Color-blinded.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-10 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-10 Pub. Date: 2017-02-10
Image Number: 154241
Caption: Do you know why mankind is so susceptible to authoritarians, Rosencrantz? It's because our brains are wired to accept lies. Our conscious brain can eventually spot a lie. But for it to spot it, our unconscious brain first has to entertain it. And just as when you entertain a guest, there's a chance the guest will overstay his welcome, put up photos of his loved ones, and before you know it, he's moved in and you can't get rid of him. I'll say it one last time: I want my side of the sidewalk crack back, Tyrone. I don't know what you mean, I've always been on this side.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-09 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-09 Pub. Date: 2017-01-09
Image Number: 153086
Caption: Taxville Tax Preparation. Put us down as "married, filing miserable."
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-05 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-05 Pub. Date: 2017-01-05
Image Number: 152858
Caption: I'm not going to buy any gifts this year, Clyde. Say what? Buying someone a gift used to mean something. You used to have to go to the store and think about what they'd like. Now that you can just click a button on their Amazon wish list, you don't have to put any thought at all into it. It used to be the thought that counted. Now it's the thoughtless that counts. You broke, ain't you.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-11 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-11 Pub. Date: 2016-12-11
Image Number: 151363
Caption: Grandpa's 97th birthday is coming up. I have no idea how to time my gifts for him. Dr. Noodle. What do you mean "time" gifts? One year, I bought him a new set of dominoes, and he hated it. He gave it to the mailman. The next year, my sister bought him the very same set, and he loved it. He brags about it to me all the time. The next year, I bought him a gold pocket watch. He gave that to the pizza delivery guy. My sister gave him the same one the following year and he loves it so much that he's always putting it in my face and asking me what time it is. Maybe we should talk about the concept of "denial." Ok. But after we talk about why I keep picking the right presents in the wrong years.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-04 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-04 Pub. Date: 2016-12-04
Image Number: 151096
Caption: The other day, somebody in a red Trump hat actually to me to "Go back where you came from, n*****." I'm not surprised. That's been happening a lot. Trump's election encouraged white supremacists everywhere to come out of the shadows. They think it's their day again. Well this ain't Selma, an' I ain't Martin Luther the King. That fool found that out right quick, bruh. This ain't 1965. This here 2016. Fools better know "n*****s" be armed now. Oh god, Clyde! What did you do?! What did you do?! You had a gun?! No, I had an iPhone. I recorded the whole thing. Put it on Youtube. In just two hours, that fool got fired. Oh. Maybe we should all be packing iPhones for the next four years.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-28 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-28 Pub. Date: 2016-11-28
Image Number: 151550
Caption: Mr. Fitzhugh, I want to know why I've been removed from the Trump account. I spent five years winning that account. Don't look at it as being removed from an account. Look at it as a paid vacation. Permission to speak frankly? Yayle. Don't give me that nonsense, sir. I'm not having it. Either put me back on that account by the end of the day ... or I'm going straight to Donald. He gave me his personal number. I'm sure he did ... and I never said "permission granted."
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-27 put 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-27 Pub. Date: 2016-11-27
Image Number: 150904
Caption: I want you back. I'm nothing without you. I'm miserable, baby. I can't work. I can't sleep. I've been binge eating. I've been so depressed, I haven't brushed my teeth in months. I've put on eighty pounds. I got three cavities. I've developed sleep apnea. My foot tingles all the time, so I may have caught the diabetes. My life is horrible, just horrible! Yes. Yes, that is my best pitch. That's how horrible my life has become without you!
     
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