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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-15 post 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-15 Pub. Date: 2017-10-15
Image Number: 163143
Caption: Hello, you've reached Lowe an' Sharke Lending Club. This is Ryan. How may I hinder you? I just got an ad from you in the mail saying I'm pre-qualified for an $80,000 low-interest loan, with no collateral needed. That's right. All I need is for you to answer a few brief questions so we can see if you qualify. What do you mean? You said I was already pre-qualified. Doesn't "pre-qualified" mean I've been qualified already. No. It means you haven't been qualified yet. What the -- By that definition, everyone in the whole world is "pre-qualified"! That's incorrect, sir. There are about 101 billion post-living people who wouldn't qualify.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-22 post 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-22 Pub. Date: 2017-08-22
Image Number: 161801
Caption: I posted an article on Candorville.com about how the terms "cuck," "beta," SJW" and "virtue-signalling" were essential to the resurgence of white supremacists. It's an old Nazi tactic from the 1930s. When you beliefs are morally indefensible, just label those who oppose you with belittling code words ... code words that make opposing you seen uncool. They also popularized "libtard", "snowflake," "white genocide," "neoreactionary multiculturalist" ... "Neoreactionary multiculturalist"? They considered shortening it to "Nemo," but then they heard Disney was litigious.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-10 post 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-10 Pub. Date: 2017-08-10
Image Number: 161294
Caption: You remember the other day, when I said we're behind a lot of other countries in a lot of areas? Well, I wrote an article about that for Candorville.com. Within 15 minutes, I counted over 3,000 replies that included a variant of the phrase "If you don't like it here, go someplace else." So I did a little more research, and then posted an article about how we're far behind a lot of other countries in "going someplace else." ... That's when I found out we're number one in the amount of angry comments posted in all-caps. I been out of the state once. That was weird.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-11 post 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-11 Pub. Date: 2017-06-11
Image Number: 158398
Caption: Man, Lemont … how long's it been? Twenty years? Just about. You still working at Pigville Pork Burgers? Nah … I got a job as the Candorville Chronicles White House correspondent. Then I went on to found Candorville.com, the internet's seventh largest source for news and opinion. Oh. That's cool. That's cool. How do you not know this? We're Facebook friends. I post links to my articles every day. We were roommates all through college, and you don't even read my updates? Facebook's for reading you-stuff? I thought it was just for posting me-stuff. I'm sorry, man. I feel horrible. As you should ... Anyway, you still working as a roadie for Hootie and the Blowfish?
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-22 post 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-22 Pub. Date: 2017-03-22
Image Number: 155915
Caption: What do you mean I didn't tell you I was moving to Canada? Of course I told you. Did not. I wrote a three-part article about it for my site. I posted it on Facebook. I tweeted it. I Instagrammed a photo of myself applying for a passport, wearing a "Canada's Always Been Great" shirt and sucking on a maple-leaf shaped lollipop. If you were really my best friend, you'd have told me personally. If you were really my best friend, you'd actually read the things I write.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-09 post 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-09 Pub. Date: 2017-03-09
Image Number: 155382
Caption: I guess you can't go home again. I just had to unfriend my old college roommate. Olga used to be so sweet. But she's changed. She's always posting passive-aggressive replies under my status updates. Are you still in touch with your college roommate? I was for a while. But when he tried recruiting me for ISIS, I unfriended him too. Maybe my unfriending Olga was hasty.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-21 post 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-21 Pub. Date: 2017-02-21
Image Number: 154802
Caption: You remember Omarosa from "The Apprentice"? Well, she works in the Trump White House now. According to a Washington Post reporter, another reporter said Omarosa tried to bully her by telling her she was one of several journalists the White House was keeping "dossiers" on. Wow. And you're a journalist. I can see why you're upset, Lemont. I can totally see. it. what do I have to do to get them to blackmail me? I'm always getting left out. I need to get my eyes checked.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-29 post 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-29 Pub. Date: 2016-11-29
Image Number: 151551
Caption: I demand to know why you pulled me off the Trump account, Mr. Fitzhugh. Ok, here it is: We took you off the account because of several negative Facebook posts about Trump during the election. What're you talking about? I never posted anything political. Anything at all! No, but a Facebook friend of yours "liked" a negative post someone else made. We don't want to take any chances.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-15 post 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-15 Pub. Date: 2016-11-15
Image Number: 151017
Caption: Don't do it, Lemont. On my earth, I reported EXACTLY what I saw on election night. I posted it ALL on my news site. I wrote about how all the people in this bar took Trump's win. But I also wrote about how this run-down hole in the wall is the nexus of the multiverse. Here, you'll run unto the other yous who've made different choices, who came from world's that made different choices. All the roads not taken lead here. I lost most of my readers, and the girl of my dreams took out a restraining order. On the bright side, I forgot all about that when I met dinosaur me.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-14 post 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-14 Pub. Date: 2016-11-14
Image Number: 151016
Caption: Lemont flew to Canada to be with the woman he's fallen in love with and hasn't seen for over a year. But he paused at a random bar in Vancouver's Gastown district to cover the election for the Candorville Post. That's when the impossible happened. He found himself in the company of dozens of other Lemonts from alternate universes. All in favor of sending narrator Lemont back to annoying-verse? If he reports what he's seen, the girl of his dreams will think he's insane.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-08 post 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-08 Pub. Date: 2016-11-08
Image Number: 150713
Caption: Exit polls in a couple of key states are showing surprisingly strong support for Donald Trump. American Pub. Let me guess, you're covering the election for the Candorville Post instead of hooking up with the lady you came to Canada to visit. What?! How'd you -- I'm you from an alternate reality where all this already happened. Oh. So ... how'd your election turn out? World War III Vet.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-03 post 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-03 Pub. Date: 2016-10-03
Image Number: 149306
Caption: twitter™ Twitter.com/Candorville. Lemont Brown: Plane stuck on tarmac 2 hrs so far. No charging ports. Phone almost dead. May have to resort to conversation w/other human beings.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-08-21 post 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-08-21 Pub. Date: 2016-08-21
Image Number: 146823
Caption: No, momma, I didn't see that post on "The Newsfeed." Remember, momma, I told you everyone sees a different newsfeed tailored just for them. It's based on what we search for online, what we type, etc Ok, watch load Facebook. "Load" means never mind ... turn on the Facebook. Ok, now tell me what's on your screen. Uh-huh ... Uh-huh ... See? That's the perfect example, momma ... I don't see a single post about Idris Elba's booty on MY newsfeed. And I'd like to stop talking about this now.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-08-03 post 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-08-03 Pub. Date: 2016-08-03
Image Number: 146690
Caption: I posted a really cute old picture of me dancing with Gary Coleman on Facebook. My sister's demanding I delete it, just 'cause her stupid ex is in the background. I said "no way," so now she's not talking to me. What do you think of that, Lemont? I think it's interesting how you turn every conversation into one about you. Yeah. That reminds me of my date last night ... Of course it does.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-13 post 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-13 Pub. Date: 2016-06-13
Image Number: 144562
Caption: Trump Campaign. John Barron speaking. Hi, I'm Lemont Brown with the Candorville Post. Right, we cover news, culture, opinion I'm sure you've heard of us. We have 300,000 readers every day online. Mr. Trump says he's never heard of you, you're a total loser, you're overrated, and nobody likes you. He also says you don't treat him fairly. Probably because you're black ... He'd like me to add that nobody loves the blacks more than he does. They're tremendous.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-03-23 post 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-03-23 Pub. Date: 2016-03-23
Image Number: 140810
Caption: It all started when I first covered Donald Trump on candorville.com. Dr. Noodle. The first article I posted got 2 million views. So I posted another. That got 6 million. So I I started writing about him every single day. M.A. I see. Well, that's only natural. We all have an instinctive need to give people what they want. That's why as soon as a guest enters our home, we offer them food. Yeah, I'm starting to feel like I'm fattening them up for the slaughter.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-11-06 post 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-11-06 Pub. Date: 2015-11-06
Image Number: 134725
Caption: Hi, this is the Huffington Post. We're wondering if we could republish your recent blog post: "Why You've Stopped Being in Love"? Well, I'd certainly be interested. How much do you guys pay contributors? Oh, I'm sorry. We're unable to pay our bloggers. But our site can offer you a great deal of exposure. Aren't you guys worth over $50 million? $50 million doesn't go as far as it used to.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-10-19 post 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-10-19 Pub. Date: 2015-10-19
Image Number: 133798
Caption: Do you have any idea how many mass shootings we've had in America this year? According to the Washington Post, in just the first 274 days of the year, we had 294 mass shootings. That's more than one per day. There are more mass shootings than there are days in the baseball season. You know what that means, don't you? It mean mass shootings is America new national pastime. Stop stealing my lines.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-09-16 post 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-09-16 Pub. Date: 2015-09-16
Image Number: 132516
Caption: Remember last night, when you sent me a Facebook message? Go on. Remember how you told me you're desperate for a date go on and asked me to help you write a date-a-chick.com profile that would hide your desperation. Go on. Remember how easy it is to post something publicly on a person's wall, when you meant to send a private message? Stop.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-06-27 post 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-06-27 Pub. Date: 2015-06-27
Image Number: 128676
Caption: I've read that by the time I'm an old man, we may be able to upload our consciousness into the cloud. Do you know what this means, Clyde? It means our generation may be the first to become immortal. We'd also become the first post-human generation. "Cloud-o-sapiens" doesn't have the same ring to it, though. Wait ... me dyin' someday anyway is what make it easy to not care 'bout nobody opinion of me. Ain't this a blip.
     
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