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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-02-17 past 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-02-17 Pub. Date: 2018-02-17
Image Number: 168418
Caption: I realized this morning I'm not nineteen anymore, Susan. I was riding my bike faster than I had in years. I was flying! Pedaling hard and strong. I'd just hit warp speed … when an actual nineteen-year-old zoomed past me going twice as fast. He wasn't even breaking a sweat. I'm sure he was working hard too, Lemont. He was sipping a Slurpee and dribbling a basketball.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-31 past 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-31 Pub. Date: 2018-01-31
Image Number: 167919
Caption: Do you have the time? Time? Time? Do you know the so-called experts say there's no such thing? First they said it was 3pm on the east coast when it's noon here. Then they said if you move faster, time moves slower. Then they said now for us might be a million years in the past for someone in another galaxy. It's ok to say I don't know what time it is. If Einstein doesn't have to make up his mind about what time it is, neither do I? Canada or bust!
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-28 past 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-28 Pub. Date: 2018-01-28
Image Number: 167088
Caption: Hi, I just got a notice that I owe $30k t the city in past freelance taxes. That's right. Because you didn't file as a business between 2007 and 2013. I wasn't a business. I was a reporter for a newspaper. They paid you with a 1099 instead of W-2. That makes you a business. They paid me with a 1099 so they could get away with not giving me benefits, and so they wouldn't have to give me paid time off! That doesn't mean I was running a business! Yes it does. I see you earned less than $100k per year. You wouldn't owe us anything if you filed for an exemption during the years you owed those taxes. You never told me this tax even existed! I'm not gonna pay you $30,000 for a tax I didn't owe just because you never told me I didn't owe it! You're right, sir. If you include the penalties, you're actually gonna pay us $38,000. You're going to make me become a Republican! You know that, right?! There's no special exemption for Republicans.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-15 past 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-15 Pub. Date: 2018-01-15
Image Number: 167355
Caption: Let's take a moment for a brief interlude, between what was, and what will be. All the days in all the years we've been partnered have been the same, Tyrone. Wake up. Scrounge. Reflect on our dire circumstance but do nothing to change it. And then drift back to sleep. But it occurred to me today, in every story I've ever read, there's been an interlude between the status quo and the big change. I feel interludy. Do you feel interludy? Not even a little bit. (This cartoon was originally published on 2015-12-28).
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-11 past 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-11 Pub. Date: 2017-09-11
Image Number: 162597
Caption: Remember that video of police attackin' that blond white woman nurse for just doin' her job? Remember Justine Diamond, white woman the police shot in her pajamas? Remember the hundreds of people of all races unnecessarily shot by cops in the past few years? Remember the huge "All Lives Matter" protests that broke out eretime? Glad to see I was wrong about "All Lives Matter" bein' just another way of sayin' "shut up an' take it, n*****." My "Sarcasm Monday" idea really caught on. Look at Wino Larry over there relievin' hisself. What a beautiful sight.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-17 past 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-17 Pub. Date: 2017-08-17
Image Number: 161534
Caption: Hello, me, I'm you form the future. I've come back in time to ask you to do a wider variety of activities. Go visit seedy bars in foreign lands and get into misadventures with the locals, become a reality tv star and then run for office. Go live amongst the Aborigines in Australia and when you return, try to smuggle a kangaroo past customs. Anything! Our grandkids are tired of hearing the same five stories over and over again, is that I'm saying. Zzzzz.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-06 past 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-06 Pub. Date: 2017-07-06
Image Number: 159982
Caption: Meanwhile, in Candorville … Susan … I know you've always been allergic to commitment. I know you've bailed on every serious relationship you've ever had … Have not. At four, after a week of playing house with Wilfred, you pretended he didn't even exits. At fourteen, after you and your lifelong friend "Turbo" started dating, you faked amnesia. I don't remember that. I never would've told you about my past if I'd known you were gonna throw it in my face. Come on out. I promise this is nothing commitmenty.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-09 past 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-09 Pub. Date: 2017-03-09
Image Number: 155382
Caption: I guess you can't go home again. I just had to unfriend my old college roommate. Olga used to be so sweet. But she's changed. She's always posting passive-aggressive replies under my status updates. Are you still in touch with your college roommate? I was for a while. But when he tried recruiting me for ISIS, I unfriended him too. Maybe my unfriending Olga was hasty.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-26 past 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-26 Pub. Date: 2016-10-26
Image Number: 150196
Caption: Earlier today, I considered the option of traveling back through time and making other choices. But before I could finish considering it, I changed my mind and decided I could not, would not, dare not do such a thing. But now it occurs to me, perhaps that was me from the future inhabiting my past self and making just such an "other choice." I think I regret that I'm going to do what I did to prevent me from undoing that which I regret. Stop it.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-19 past 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-19 Pub. Date: 2016-10-19
Image Number: 149906
Caption: Hello, journalist, you've reached the campaign of Donald Trump. Vancouver International Airport. If you've criticized Mr. Trump in the past, press "one," you overrated, no-talent hack. Taxi queue. If you've showered him with praise, press "two," you decent, talented credit to your profession. Boop. You've pressed "two." Your interview may now commence ... Hello? This is Trump. "One" and "two" are so close together.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-11 past 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-11 Pub. Date: 2016-10-11
Image Number: 149610
Caption: My girlfriend lives in Vancouver. That's why I'm going there. We met a year ago. I'd just given a speech, and she was in the audience. Afterward, she approached me … Hello, Lemont … Well, it felt like that, anyway. Oh my.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-08 past 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-08 Pub. Date: 2016-09-08
Image Number: 148217
Caption: Why don't you like kids, Susan? I don't know. Maybe it's just that I don't like double standards. For instance … if a grown person ran from room to room naked, yelling "booga-booga" over and over again, he'd be locked up. But if a kid does it, it's magically ok? Seriously? 36 years later, you still won't let me live that down? You ruined my whole first holy communion.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-05-24 past 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-05-24 Pub. Date: 2016-05-24
Image Number: 143638
Caption: I don't know why fools be keepin' useless junk from long ago. What the point of that is? How often you gonna open that box in your garage to look at the apple you finger-painted when you was four? They ain't no future generations gonna enshrine your third-grade diary in the Smithsonian. Ain't nobody gonna care 'bout no package Amazon delivered to your doorstep last week. I said give me back my package!
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-03-15 past 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-03-15 Pub. Date: 2016-03-15
Image Number: 140510
Caption: The past couple years, I've been rejected for a mortgage, a car loan, a credit card, a Macy's card, Girl Scout cookies … How is it that identity thieves were just able to open six credit cards in my name, Clyde? Maybe I should get you to teach me how to steal my own identity. (A) I'm offended you assume I know how to do that ... an' (2) here's how you do it ...
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-03-03 past 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-03-03 Pub. Date: 2016-03-03
Image Number: 139627
Caption: 1983. You know what would be really cool? If Eddie Murphy was president. Why Eddie Murphy? Because his State of the Union speeches would be hilarious. He could dress in a leather suit, do funny voices, cuss a lot … The only thing standing in his way is that he's an entertainer. And America is too serious to put an entertainer in charge. Ronald Reagan's in charge now. That's different. Momma says he was never all that entertaining.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-02-22 past 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-02-22 Pub. Date: 2016-02-22
Image Number: 139560
Caption: Nobody understands why I hang out with you, Clyde. You're a thug, I'm not. You have no career, I do. You don’t care about the world, I report on it for a living. That's what they think, anyway, because they're not capable of looking past your loser image and seeing the real you. That's a compliment. If you have to say "that's a compliment," it ain't no compliment. (This cartoon was originally published on 2014-02-03).
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-02-17 past 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-02-17 Pub. Date: 2016-02-17
Image Number: 139236
Caption: When I was little, I used to dream about a past life. I totally believe that. I used to, too. I would often sing a strange song in my sleep. Papi recorded it one night and brought it to a linguist. He recognized it as the language Nahuatl. From my dreams and the song, we deduced that I was an ancient Aztec warrior, living on one of the islands of Tenochtitlan. Apparently I led some sort of insurrection against the Spanish. In my past life, I was a hedgehog.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-01-31 past 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-01-31 Pub. Date: 2016-01-31
Image Number: 138008
Caption: Buddha supposedly said "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." Didn't he say that "in the past"?
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-01-09 past 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-01-09 Pub. Date: 2016-01-09
Image Number: 137380
Caption: Scuse me, you know how to get to west 73rd street. Yeah. Take the 409 east to Slauson, go straight past that fool Dwayne on the corner … Hang a left, another left … two more lefts … … Get back on the 409 west, exit on Florence, go two blocks and you're there. Need me to write that down? Y'know, it's okay to say "I don't know." (This cartoon was originally published on 2012-12-16).
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-12-28 past 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-12-28 Pub. Date: 2015-12-28
Image Number: 137113
Caption: Let's take a moment for a brief interlude, between what was, and what will be. All the days in all the years we've been partnered have been the same, Tyrone. Wake up. Scrounge. Reflect on our dire circumstance but do nothing to change it. And then drift back to sleep. But it occurred to me today, in every story I've ever read, there's been an interlude between the status quo and the big change. I feel interludy. Do you feel interludy? Not even a little bit.
     
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