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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-09 part 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-09 Pub. Date: 2017-10-09
Image Number: 163628
Caption: I was part of the press pool covering the president's visit to Puerto Rico. I covered the whole thing. The part where he gave his own response an A+ … the part where he threw supplies as if they were prizes at desperate survivors … the part where he told Puerto Ricans they were costing us a lot of money ... the part where he said it wasn't a "real" catastrophe like Hurricane Katrina ... the part where he said that finger the crowd used must be the Puerto Rican equivalent of a "thumbs-up" ... How come the article you wrote about it was called "Nailed It."?
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-07 part 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-07 Pub. Date: 2017-10-07
Image Number: 163375
Caption: You know the best part of having a child, Clyde? Less frustration. Maybe we won't cure death in my lifetime. Maybe I'll never be rich. Maybe I'll never walk on Mars. But there's a chance my son will live forever. Maybe my son will strike it rich. Maybe my son will someday set foot on another world. Maybe my son will have a friend who pays back the $2 he owes him. Maybe you so won't be passive-aggressive.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-24 part 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-24 Pub. Date: 2017-09-24
Image Number: 162394
Caption: I can't shake the feeling that nothing is really real, doc. Dr. Noodle. I just got my doctorate in history. And I watch the news every day. And I've started feeling like I've wasted my whole life studying things that never happened. I mean, if everything I see happening right now is "fake," how am I supposed to trust history? How am I supposed to know that Mussolini or Napoleon or Genghis Khan or Robespierre or Caligula were ever really all that bad? Maybe all the journalists and scribes who chronicled their reigns were part of an age-old fake-news conspiracy dating all the way back to the days of Peisistratos? I see. When exactly did these doubts begin? Oh, about 546 B.C.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-15 part 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-15 Pub. Date: 2017-08-15
Image Number: 161532
Caption: Guess what? My iPhone 7 just started slowing down. Just a month or so before the iPhone 8 comes out. Remember when my iPhone 6 started slowing down? That was just about a month or so before the iphone 7 came out. You know … Apple lawyers can hear erethang you sayin' through Siri, bruh. *I am not necessarily implying any trickery or intentional wrongdoing on the part of Apple. I wasn't never here.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-08 part 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-08 Pub. Date: 2017-08-08
Image Number: 161292
Caption: Looks like the Affordable Care Act is here to stay. That's right … sucker. What? Everyone know the ACA was a Republican idea. We came up with it as an alternative to single-payer health care. We knew the only way to make the left embrace it was for the right to attack it. You hate us so much that if we attack it, you cling to it like it's your dear old momma. We even let it be "saved" at the last minute, just to seal your love affair with it. Yeah, right. Like this was all part of some "master plan." McCain hammed it up a little at the end, but it was a nice touch.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-06 part 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-06 Pub. Date: 2017-08-06
Image Number: 160565
Caption: Your latest article was a little confusing, Lemont. What's confusing about my having solved Fermi's paradox? I've single-handedly explained how the universe could be filled with civilization, even though we've seen no evidence them. Did you know there's a possibility our universe exists within a black hole? ... and every black hole in our universe may contain an entire universe of its own? I've heard that. And did you know that people ultimately just can't stand those who are different from them? Don't you see, Susan? There is no paradox. When a civilization advances far enough, it doesn't fly to other stars. It thinks much bigger. It creates a black hole and vanishes into it so it can have a whole universe to itself. They could shape it and write its natural laws however they want. The Berniezoidians could have a whole universe full of single-payer healthcare, ... and the Trumpmagans could have a whole universe full of no undocumented immigrants. Oh. I was just confused about the part where you wrote "The Trumpmagans still insist Mexico will pay for the event horizon."
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-22 part 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-22 Pub. Date: 2017-03-22
Image Number: 155915
Caption: What do you mean I didn't tell you I was moving to Canada? Of course I told you. Did not. I wrote a three-part article about it for my site. I posted it on Facebook. I tweeted it. I Instagrammed a photo of myself applying for a passport, wearing a "Canada's Always Been Great" shirt and sucking on a maple-leaf shaped lollipop. If you were really my best friend, you'd have told me personally. If you were really my best friend, you'd actually read the things I write.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-19 part 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-19 Pub. Date: 2017-02-19
Image Number: 154023
Caption: What brings you back to therapy? I have a tough time figuring out whom to trust. I read on Facebook that Hillary Clinton was part of a secret group that baked little kittens into pies. And I believed it. But then I read on my Twitter that Facebook was full of fake news, so I believed that and stopped believing the kitten pie story. Then someone at my wife's work sent me an anonymous email telling me she was cheating on me, and I believed it. But then she told me not to worry because the guys she takes weekly business trips with is gay ... and I believed it. I think I have some horrible disorder where I believe whatever the last person told me. I don't think so. Me neither.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-13 part 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-13 Pub. Date: 2016-11-13
Image Number: 150252
Caption: Your suggestion didn't work, Susan. Thinking about baseball should have worked. Did you do it right? What do you mean? Did you think of the boring, repetitive parts? I tried. I thought about the batter swinging the bat around in the on-deck circle … the runners going around and around the diamond ... the batters swinging and almost always missing ... but instead of distracting me, it relaxed me. It wasn't boring, Susan. It was rhythmic. Baseball is a Zen-like experience that puts you into a trance. It frees the mind and makes it easier ... not harder ... for your mind to wander where you don't want it to go ... so it didn't stop me from wondering who's going to run for president in 2020. Ok, plan B: Try doing long division in your head.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-07 part 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-07 Pub. Date: 2016-11-07
Image Number: 150712
Caption: You've been in Canada six whole hours. When do I get to see you, Candorville? I can't wait any longer. How 'bout right now? I'm at the American Pub on Spite Street. It's a sketchy bar in the worst part of Gastown, where a bunch of American ex-pats and tourists can get together and act like they're still in the states. Censored you, you stupid liberal censored head! Censored my censored you censored Fascist! Wanna hang out with me while I cover election night for my news site? I can wait a little longer.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-23 part 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-23 Pub. Date: 2016-10-23
Image Number: 149364
Caption: It all started when I spanked my two-year-old son. He was out of control. He was hitting and kicking and spitting. I tried everything. I tried a timeout. I tried redirection. I tried bribery. But when he threw a clock at his baby sister's head, I realized I had to do something drastic. So I swatted him once on the behind. Very lightly. For the rest of the day, he pointed at me and said "You don't hit me. That's bad. You say you're sorry." And I couldn't even argue, because that's exactly what I always told him to tell someone if they hit him. Part of being a parent is becoming comfortable with being a hypocrite. Is two too young for military school?
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-14 part 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-14 Pub. Date: 2016-09-14
Image Number: 148481
Caption: 1982. I don't buy all the stuff they tell me in Sunday school. But I do think there's a God. You do, Lemont? I believe the universe is an organism. Like my hamster. We call it "God," and we're its constituent parts. And like any hamster, it wants every one of its organs and cells to thrive. Even the tunas? 'Cause we kill them and put them in cans. I didn't say I had it all worked out.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-04 part 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-04 Pub. Date: 2016-09-04
Image Number: 147443
Caption: Scientists proved quantum entanglement is a thing. They split one subatomic particle into two, and then found that when they did something to one half, the other half was affected too. Meanwhile, they also proved the location of subatomic particles is dependent on observation. Until it's observed, a particle exists in different locations simultaneously. I know. The act of observing it collapses all those locations into one. And no one know why that is. Scientists also believe that every particle in the universe is entangled with every other particle because they were all part of the same singularity that exploded during the big bang. Don't you see, Susan? When we decide to find a particle's position, the particle decides to have one, because that particle is quantum-entangled with us! Ok ... but why'd you ask if I was followed coming here? An observer observing an observer who's observing an observer who observed how observation works just might be what caused the last big bang,
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-08-30 part 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-08-30 Pub. Date: 2016-08-30
Image Number: 147920
Caption: That trailer for Eddie Murphy's "Mr. Church" don't look like nothin' but "Driving Miss Daisy Part 2." It look like it literally a film about a brotha who spend decades serving white people an' tryin' to be part of they family instead of makin' his own. I was willin' to look the other way when he was talkin' to animals, and when a tree made him shut up for a whole movie, an' when he played a donkey. But when he play a black man who want nothin' outta life but to cook grits for two white women, I draw the line. It's a true story!!! That makes it ok.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-23 part 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-23 Pub. Date: 2016-06-23
Image Number: 144900
Caption: When are you going to teach your son about death? Never. If your toenail falls off, have you died? If you lose a foot to a grizzly bear, have you died? If a wild kangaroo rips off both your arms, have you died? If you can survive without parts of your body, who's to say you don't survive without the whole body? You can't just avoid having hard talks with your son. I don't want him to survive dying and then call me a liar.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-04-01 part 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-04-01 Pub. Date: 2016-04-01
Image Number: 141137
Caption: You know what I like best about being a dad? When my little boy curls up in my lap and falls asleep. I hold him tight and know he feels warm and safe, and I feel like I can protect him from anything. Even from time. Because as long as he lives, he'll be able to close his eyes and remember this feeling and be two years old again ... hopefully without the wetting himself part. It's important to know when to stop talking.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-03-29 part 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-03-29 Pub. Date: 2016-03-29
Image Number: 141134
Caption: You know what gets me about terrorists? The really frustrating part? It's that we all know them. What do you mean? You know how you come across someone online who has a completely wrong view of reality but when you give him facts that prove him wrong, he just gets angry and condescending and treats you like you're subhuman trash. Terrorists are internet trolls come to life. You can't ever, ever get rid of internet trolls. I wish the world could just unfriend them.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-03-09 part 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-03-09 Pub. Date: 2016-03-09
Image Number: 140180
Caption: I demand the right to fire Dick Fink, sir. He's incompetent, he's a snake, and I'm pretty sure he's the one who put that family of skunks in my desk. I'm still not sure I buy the skunks, Garcia which reminds me, did you ever complete that course on personal hygiene? Don't change the subject. Dick Fink wants my job, sir. He's been trying to ruin me ... for years. I'm not imagining this. I know ... I sound paranoid. But that's all part of his secret plan. Take the rest of the day off, Garcia.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-02-25 part 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-02-25 Pub. Date: 2016-02-25
Image Number: 139563
Caption: Dont tell nobody, but I been feelin' empty inside. Went to see a doctor 'bout it. He say I ain't sick or nothin'. He say I'm just LONELY. How could C-Dog be lonely? C-Dog know e'rebody on the block. Yeah, but does anyone really know YOU? All you ever share with other people is a whole lot of sarcasm. The operative part of "sarcasm" is "chasm." You must be Doctor Phil, cause Oprah have more hair. (This cartoon was originally published on 2014-02-06).
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-02-19 part 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-02-19 Pub. Date: 2016-02-19
Image Number: 139238
Caption: We had a great day today, didn't we son? Did you have fun? Yes! Tell daddy your favorite part of our day, Lionel. We went to the zoo. We went to the moon. We found a whale on Jupiter. Hith name wath Hub Hub. Close enough. He wiked fwench fwies.
     
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