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Rudy Park

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2018-10-27 owner 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2018-10-27 Pub. Date: 2018-10-27
Image Number: 174638
Caption: It's brilliant. Customers can have the opportunity to learn the secrets of making espresso drinks. We'll charge them double if they want to make their own, and, get this … I'd rather not … triple if they want the privilege of cleaning up their own cups in the sink! I'm back! You're back.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2018-10-26 owner 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2018-10-26 Pub. Date: 2018-10-26
Image Number: 174637
Caption: … charge extra for people to wear shoes, create a tax on spilled drinks, double-charge for napkins. Boring, you're not a government entity, it's been done. I give up. I concede. I've got nothing. Maybe I don't belong as a businessman. Maybe I should just turn over the keys to the place to the customers ... They can make their own drinks and become experts and run their own coffee houses. Or I could charge them for making their own drinks and call this a training ground! Witness the return of a muse.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2018-10-25 owner 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2018-10-25 Pub. Date: 2018-10-25
Image Number: 174636
Caption: I've got to fight through my creative malaise. I've come up with a list of ways to eek out more money from customers. Let's hear 'em. Charge for extra pads of butter. It's okay, but it's boring. Right. How about: Raise coffee prices; sell only day-old pastries; turn out the lights to save electricity ... Boring, boring, boring. Require people to make their own drinks? C'mon, you're not even trying.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2018-10-23 owner 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2018-10-23 Pub. Date: 2018-10-23
Image Number: 174634
Caption: My cheapskate muse is dead. Great. I woke up yesterday and realized it's been months since I've had an idea for cheating the customers. Everything I'm coming up with is clichéd: Charging extra for toilet paper, 75 cents for a clean cup, one-for-the-price-or-two bagel specials. I can't take pride in ripping people off like that. One-for-the-price-of-two?
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2018-10-22 owner 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2018-10-22 Pub. Date: 2018-10-22
Image Number: 174633
Caption: I'm out of ideas. I'm tapped out. Of what? I can't think of any ways to squeeze more money out of customers. I've lost my cheapskate muse! Return to me, creative Goddess of Frugality! This is just beyond weird.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2018-08-05 owner 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2018-08-05 Pub. Date: 2018-08-05
Image Number: 173107
Caption: Win-win. Whenever I hear that from you, I want to hide under the counter. New research shows the only proven way to prolong life is caloric restriction. Eat less, live longer. Introducing our new breakfast meal plan: The Fountain of Youth. You get half a muffin and half a glass of water. Sounds meager. Exactly. That's why we're charging $16. But a full muffin only costs $4. And it won't prolong your life. Can you even put a price on immortality? How much should we charge for an empty plate of air? Priceless.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2018-06-12 owner 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2018-06-12 Pub. Date: 2018-06-12
Image Number: 172241
Caption: Meanwhile at a café in neighboring Canardville … Have you gathered all the regulars and local animals two-by-two, minion? You were serious about that, boss? Totally unrelated topic: Let's say thousands of years ago, a big oil company was bribing a local shopkeeper to let them use his basement. Let's call him ... oh, I don't know ... Noah. Let's say big oil was using Noah's Cafe to conduct an illegal fracking operation. Let's say this type of mining is ... a tad risky ... and let's say big oil assured Noah that his cafe would be the one place in town that wouldn't cave in. Very very bad man.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2018-03-31 owner 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2018-03-31 Pub. Date: 2018-03-31
Image Number: 169902
Caption: I suppose you're wondering why I've summoned you here at 3 a.m., minion. I try not to wonder. After crunching the numbers, I've determined we'd increase profits by being open 24/7. We're in the suburbs everyone's asleep. Not true. By being closed at 3 a.m, we're missing out on the potentially lucrative Igor the Wino clientele. Go to the alley and give Igor a 1-for-the-price-of-2 coupon. Very bad man.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-12-06 owner 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-12-06 Pub. Date: 2017-12-06
Image Number: 165717
Caption: Rudy, how come you're not wearing the new uniform? You were serious? You seriously want me to dress like a robot? Of course I do, minion. My nightly perusal of customers' web searches indicates most of them are feeling a bit antisocial lately. They'd probably buy more coffee from a robot than a human. Oh wait ... new web searches coming in. I'm going to need you to dress like a sexy robot. Very bad man.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-11-20 owner 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-11-20 Pub. Date: 2017-11-20
Image Number: 165176
Caption: Armstrong, an unmarked truck just delivered a pallet of mystery meat. Turkey. It doesn't look like turkey. It looks more like some sort of dehydrated pigeon. What's it matter? If we slap it in a sandwich, smother it in "gravy," and label it "turkey," customers won't know the difference. Wait, did you just think quotes around the word gravy? "no."
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-09-19 owner 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-09-19 Pub. Date: 2017-09-19
Image Number: 162861
Caption: Armstrong, did you know that the Milky Way and Adromeda galaxies may already be colliding, billions of years early? A ginormous field of ionized hydrogen that gives birth to stars surrounds each galaxy like a halo. Andromeda's halo may have already caught up to ours. Ah, but of course. Andromeda has drawn first blood with a pre-emptive hostile takeover bid. Reminds me of that time I took over little Alice Chang's lemonade stand while she was napping. Very bad man.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-09-16 owner 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-09-16 Pub. Date: 2017-09-16
Image Number: 162614
Caption: Boss, the customers are demanding to know why the muffins taste like ground cardboard. There was a sale on week-old organic oat bran and cardboard muffins. Should I tell them that? Depends. Are the men wearing lumberjack beards and hipster glasses? And are the women wearing Salvation Army clothes and hipster glasses? Yes. Tell them.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-08-13 owner 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-08-13 Pub. Date: 2017-08-13
Image Number: 160983
Caption: What was it you wanted to talk about, minion? There's a guy from Immigration and Customs Enforcement out front, boss. Oh, that. ICE said someone would stop by to thank me for tipping them off to all the illegals who were hanging out at Muhammad's Bean Pie Shack. What? Why would you do that? Because I'm a patriot. In times like this, every patriot must do his duty. If we have good reason to suspect a bean pie shack is a gathering place for people who shouldn't be here, it's our solemn duty to report it, so it'll get shut down. This wouldn't happen to have anything to do with how you've been looking for ways to boost our bean pie sales, would it? Coincidence. Don't be a conspiracy theorist, minion. Oh, and go tell ICE I have another tip for them. Very bad man.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-05-05 owner 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-05-05 Pub. Date: 2017-05-05
Image Number: 157562
Caption: Boss … Armstrong … I created a "Trump Generator." You input questions, and it outputs random nouns and adverbs strung together with words like "fantastic." I put it online a few days ago, and already it's getting 500,000 visitors per day. I guess what I'm asking is, why do all Trump's answers all of a sudden end with "visit House of Java Cafe, it's tremendous. It's run by a very smart man named Armstrong." I have no idea what you're talking about. By the way, did you know Russian hackers are surprisingly cheap on Craigslist? Very bad man!!!
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-04-23 owner 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-04-23 Pub. Date: 2017-04-23
Image Number: 156593
Caption: Is your tap water free? Of course, fine sir. So is everything in it: The pollutants and chemicals … the countless microorganisms that cause allergies and grotesque diseases … all of which cost far more money to treat than the cost of bottled water. (Sigh) Fine. One bottle water, please. That'll be $6.99. I'm not sure what's worse: Countless microorganisms of one big greedy macroorganism. I'm done filling all the bottles from the tap, boss.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-03-22 owner 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-03-22 Pub. Date: 2017-03-22
Image Number: 155927
Caption: Armstrong told me he's replacing the café's burglar alarm with a string tying the doors and windows to my teeth. It was almost enough to make me quit. "Almost"? Little buddy, if someone opens a door, you could lose all your teeth! Exactly. And then workman's comp would pay for replacement bionic teeth. HOJ. I'm pretty sure that's not how workman's comp wor -- wait ... "bionic teeth"? I just think it'd be cool to be able to chew without moving my jaw.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-03-21 owner 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-03-21 Pub. Date: 2017-03-21
Image Number: 155926
Caption: I've decided against replacing the café's alarm system with a system of levers and twine attached to your eyelids. I wasn't fond of the idea anyway, boss. After hours of research, I determined there's no practical way to attach twine to a person's eyelids. I meant to say no human way of attaching the twine. I wouldn't want you being irreparably damaged. That's kind of you, boss. Teeth are easier to repair, so we'll be fastening the twine around your bicuspids. I quit.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-03-20 owner 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-03-20 Pub. Date: 2017-03-20
Image Number: 155925
Caption: You wanted to see me, boss? Come in, minion. My 13-year contract with Barely Secure Alarm and Donuts is about to expire. I'm tired of paying their exorbitant $7.99 annual fee. From now on, you're going to be the café's alarm system. We'll attach the doors to your eyelids by twine, and if anyone opens a door, you'll know. I'll have to deduct the cost of twine from your check, but I'm sure you can write that off. Very bad man.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-01-24 owner 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-01-24 Pub. Date: 2017-01-24
Image Number: 153708
Caption: Hey boss, you asked to see me? Yes, I want to know why you haven't carried out my orders yet. What orders? I tweeted them last night at 3 a.m. Everyone knows Twitter proclamations are now to be taken as official policy. Except when I'm just joking. What? But that's confusing. You mean I'm keeping you on your toes. Now go deliver a cease and desist notice to that lemonade-stand kid outside.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2016-11-07 owner 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2016-11-07 Pub. Date: 2016-11-07
Image Number: 150760
Caption: Analysts have said the US and Russia are closer to nuclear war than ever. The outcome of the election tomorrow will probably determine whether we live in mediocrity … or whether we suffer a nuclear apocalypse in which a crafty café owner, who's squirreled away scones and ammunition in a vast network of underground bunkers, could rise to become feudal warlord of a brand new world. So ... who are you voting for again? The person I've been preparing ever since 2nd grade to vote for.
     
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