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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-07-15 out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-07-15 Pub. Date: 2018-07-15
Image Number: 172919
Caption: Hey, Rudy. How's it going? I'm not allowed to say. Today's Special. Latte + 1hr web $12.50. What? I failed to read the fine print. The boss pointed out to me that the contract I signed back in 2001 forbids me from chatting with the customers about non-coffee-or-food-related issues. Sub-addendum H specifically said that every time I'm caught talking about how it's going I have to pay the boss $5. So ... in other words you just told me how it's going. Loophole! That'll be $5.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-07-13 out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-07-13 Pub. Date: 2018-07-13
Image Number: 172717
Caption: At the refugee internment camp. I feel for the babies and their asylum-seeking parents. Most fled for their lives, only to have their families ripped apart. And when they're deported, many of those men, women and children will face certain doom. I've never known you to be so compassionate, boss. Most of them couldn't use any vast savings to bribe stooges - I mean, their connections on the city council - to donate a condemned storefront so they could open a new cafe once they're smuggled out of jail. VERY BAD MAN. Times like these make me conscious of my privilege.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-07-12 out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-07-12 Pub. Date: 2018-07-12
Image Number: 172716
Caption: It the internment camp for refugees from the Canardville sinkhole. We're gonna be fine, Sadie. I got the word out. How, dimwit? I always carry a burner phone hidden don't-ask-where. I tweeted, Snap-chatted, Raftred, Plurked and Instagrammed. I see. SPEAK ENGLISH, DORK-BOY. I even kept it old-school adn dropped a pin to a journalist I know. What you care to see how I drop a pin?
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-07-01 out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-07-01 Pub. Date: 2018-07-01
Image Number: 172353
Caption: I'm not happy. I think I married the wrong person. Dr. Noodle. But I can't leave. Leaving is too hard. I mean, we've got all the same friends. They'd hate me. And she's got complete control of the bank accounts. What would I do for money? But maybe I could just start all over. Who needs any of that stuff? There's a whole world out there. Maybe it's not too late to explore the world, wrestle and alligator, move to Jamaica, change my name, and meet the woman I was really meant to be with. Sometimes it actually is too late. Zzzzzzzz.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-23 out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-23 Pub. Date: 2018-06-23
Image Number: 172359
Caption: I'm an accomplished writer, Susan. I don't tiptoe around the big issues. I've won awards for that. How could they reject me? You wrote "I love you so much that when you were a toddler and you choked on your own vomit … I dug it out of your mouth with my own hand without even thinking about it ... Happy birthday. That's real love. You'd think Hallmark would know that the country's in the mood for authenticity.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-10 out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-10 Pub. Date: 2018-06-10
Image Number: 171944
Caption: What brings you to therapy, Mr. Jiddury? Social anxiety. That's what Google says it is, anyway. But Google's no doctor. I thought it'd be better to get the opinion of a professional. I see, well, why don't we start the diagnosis by having you hang up your phone, get out of your car and come inside? No, that's ok. I'm good here. You have a lovely parking lot. I've got donuts in here. No, that's ok, I'm good. I've got cracker crumbs on the floor.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-09 out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-09 Pub. Date: 2018-06-09
Image Number: 172073
Caption: What's your contingency plan, Randy? My what? If a calamity of biblical proportions were to strike here in Canardville, would you flee across the bridge to Candorville? Or would you search in vain for a fallout-resistant bunker, before surrendering to the cruel inevitability of your demise? I ask just for the sake of discussion. No reason to panic. Totally unrelated: I just found out someone who's definitely not me is selling fallout bunkers at buy-this-now-if-you-want-to-live.com. Very bad man.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-25 out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-25 Pub. Date: 2018-05-25
Image Number: 171762
Caption: I can't get anything done at all until I've had my morning coffees. I think I may have a problem The first step is admitting you've got a problem, Susan. I'm proud of you. Not that you know, you can do something about it. You can probably go into rehab for this sort of thing, with all the other junkies and addicts. I just meant I think I'm out of coffee. Junkies isn't politically correct, but if Trump can be blunt, so can I.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-16 out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-16 Pub. Date: 2018-05-16
Image Number: 171503
Caption: I just invested in Rudycoin. You invested in whaty-what? It's a new cryptocurrency. I missed out on Bitcoin and Ethereum and all the rest, so I jumped on this one. It's good to diversify one's portfolio. Since when you had a portfolio, Big L? You ain't got no portfolio. Do too. Most you got is a manila envelope.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-15 out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-15 Pub. Date: 2018-05-15
Image Number: 171502
Caption: So … Clyde and I were playing basketball when all of a sudden four other guys showed up and asked if they could join in. So we started choosing up teams, and all of a sudden I got all nervous and anxious. I'm a grown man. I have a son. A career. But all of a sudden I was right back in second grade hoping I wouldn't be the last to be picked. Is that why Clyde asked me how my emergency vasectomy went? I had to think of some reason to get out of there.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-10 out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-10 Pub. Date: 2018-05-10
Image Number: 171292
Caption: I'm working on an article called The Unified Theory of Everything. But I've hit a snag. Every single science-related government agency I've contacted is stonewalling me. None of them will provide someone I can interview. NASA … the EPA … USGS … NSF … NOAA ... They all gave me the phone number for a new oversight department run out of the White House. It's called the Mendacious yammering Obstruction Bureau ... MYOB?
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-06 out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-06 Pub. Date: 2018-05-06
Image Number: 170818
Caption: I saw that article you wrote, where you siad it ain't make no sense that Syria president used chemical weapons. You wrote Don' ya'll fools notice the same exact thing happened last year when the U.S. was talkin' 'bout pullin' out? You wrote All of a sudden Assad gas his own people, an' then we decide to stay an' keep whoopin' Assad *$%. You wrote "Fast-forward a year. Trump talk 'bout leavin' again, an' again Assad gas his own people, an' again Trump change his mind an' decide to stay an' keep whoopin' Assad @#$. You wrote Yeah right, ain't this some @#$#$%. Y'know, when you put someone else's points in your own words, you're supposed to start by saying I'm paraphrasin here. You wrote Y'all crazy to believe homeboy would do the same exact @#$% that backfired on 'im the last time.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-05 out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-05 Pub. Date: 2018-05-05
Image Number: 171057
Caption: Your boy George Berkeley be trippin', Big L. Thinkin' he proved the existence of God. He argued the only thing we can be sure exist is our own minds. But because there got to be things in the universe we ain't ever thought of … that must mean there must be some all-seeing God out there, in whose mind erething exist. Later philosophers poked holes in that theory and what have you done, Clyde? That between my mind an' the big mind in the sky.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-01 out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-01 Pub. Date: 2018-05-01
Image Number: 171053
Caption: I think you take Star Trek a little too seriously, Lemont. I do not. I just think that it's a good show. A good show that has fun characters … who happen to be a shining symbol of mankind's ability to overcome our barbarism and selfishness and evolve into the noble and ingenious paragon of animals we're meant to be. I rest my case. I mean ... it's pretty good. Worth checking out.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-29 out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-29 Pub. Date: 2018-04-29
Image Number: 170626
Caption: I read your article called We Still Have Slavery in America. What a load of nonsense. Everyone knows our dear, sweet and wonderful Congress abolished slavery with the thirteenth amendment. That's right. But that same 13th amendment says Except as punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly connected. Trump calls mass incarceration "good start". Black and brown people are stopped more often, and convicted more harshly than white people who've done that same stuff, our prisons are mostly black and brown. They force these people to work. Sometimes for next to nothing. But often for nothing at all. They lease convicts out to work in mines, to pick cotton on farms, to sew lingerie, to build weapons of war, and if they refuse to work for free, they're punished. Yeah, well ... slavery was in the 19th century. This is the 21st, ipso facto, it can't be slavery. Haven't you wondered why they've sent millions and millions to prison for smoking the wrong plant?
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-25 out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-25 Pub. Date: 2018-04-25
Image Number: 170821
Caption: 20 million people have read my article about the raid on Trump's lawyer's office. You must've read it. A lot of them were blown away with the scoop I got. You must've been blown away. I got an anonymous tip, so I drove through the night and hid out in a potted plant right in his office. I saw the whole thing unfold. You must be impressed. It was a very nice article, Lemont. You hated it.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-17 out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-17 Pub. Date: 2018-04-17
Image Number: 170575
Caption: My assistant, Dick Fink, somehow removed all the glass from my windows and I nearly plummeted to my death. I need to fire him, sir. Don't you think you're being just a tiny bit hysterical, Garcia? You're not sure it was him. And the man has a family to support. Whatever it is, work it out. Does he have something on you, Mr. Fitzhugh? You're always protecting him. Does he know some dirty secret? Of course not. By the way, totally unrelated ... let's whisper when we discuss Fink, ... just for kicks. Yayle. CEO of the Year.2002.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-11 out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-11 Pub. Date: 2018-04-11
Image Number: 170411
Caption: Maybe you'd understand owning a gun if you were a single female living alone. Wait … are you trying to tell me you own a gun, Susan? Remember how I was walking home six year ago, and a guy stepped out of a dark alley, dragged me into it, and got the better of me? What? Oh my god, I don't remember that at all! That's 'cause it didn't happen. Because I was armed and he ran away. What else could've made him do that? A taser ... pepper spray ... souvenir nunchucks from Panda Express ... the list is endless.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-08 out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-08 Pub. Date: 2018-04-08
Image Number: 169718
Caption: Dr. Stephen Hawking saved my life, doc. How so? Dr. Noodle. I was in a deep dark depression. I wanted to end it all. I was about to. But just then, through my tv, I heard this computerized voice announcing his discovery about black holes. They're the most powerful things there are. But he's discovered that theoretically, they lose mass over time, until they're just ... gone. He said things can get out of a black hole both on the outside and possibly to another universe. So if you feel you are in a black hole, don't give up ... there's a way out. His loss is a moral and intellectual void that'll never be filled. Well that's depressing ... and ... now I'm ok.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-01 out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-01 Pub. Date: 2018-04-01
Image Number: 169546
Caption: I made some Kraft mac & cheese the other day. Why you ain't called me, bruh? I'da ate some. That's not the point, Clyde. The point is, it didn't taste anywhere near as delicious as it did when I was a kid. Serves you right. You think maybe they changed the formula? Did they find out something in it was dangerous? Did they do it to save money? The thought kept me up all night. Finally, at 3 a.m., I tweeted Did Kraft change it's formula ... or have I gone crazy ... or is nothing ever as delicious as it was when you were a six-year-old child? You really tryin' hard to find somethin' to be upset about that ain't Trump. I spent all morning taste-testing Froot Loops, KFC, Funyuns, Jell-o pudding pops, etc ... They must've changed their formulas too!
     
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