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Candorville

Comics and cartoons about noodles and noodling.

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-21 noodle 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-21 Pub. Date: 2018-01-21
Image Number: 166923
Caption: I got sucked into an argument with my Uncle Elroy again. Dr. Noodle. He send me a dozen article from dailynutjob.com about how George Soros is behind all the conspiracy theories about George Soros. I couldn't help it … I finally wrote back, saying "Why?? Why would he do that??" He replied "Because George Soros is trying to make people who buy into George Soros conspiracy theories look bad." Oh my. Then he sent me article after article about how Antifa spies were getting white supremacist haircuts and pretending to be white supremacists, and saying evil white supremacist things. I couldn't help it ... I finally wrote back, saying "Why?? Why would they do that??" I thought we agreed you'd meditate whenever you had the urge to ask that question. He said "because they're trying to make white supremacists look bad."
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-14 noodle 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-14 Pub. Date: 2018-01-14
Image Number: 166587
Caption: I was walking along the sidewalk minding my own business … Dr Noodle … when a cop stopped me and ticketed me for walking without a driver's license. Then he took me to jail and held me there for seven hours. May lawyer found out he's done this before, almost always to black pedestrians. I tried really hard to understand why he does that. I thought "maybe he's just incompetent. Maybe he's emasculated at home so he overcompensates at work. Maybe he was trained to do this and so it's not his fault. Maybe the Mandela Effect is real and he came from an alternate universe where walking without a driver's license actually is illegal. People often go to great lengths to avoid noticing this particular elephant in the room. I'm told it's awfully rude to accuse people who do racist things of being racist.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-24 noodle 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-24 Pub. Date: 2017-12-24
Image Number: 165815
Caption: Why are we here, Michael? First, doc, thank you for seeing me on Christmas Eve. Dr. Noodle. I'm having a crisis. There we were, sitting around the crackling fire, eggnog in hand. We were roasting chestnuts over the open fire. We were singing carols. We'd opened several of the gifts already. That's when the owners came home early. We jumped out the window but I'm pretty sure Vic left his crowbar behind. I see. So you want to know if turning yourself in would make you feel better? I want you to tell anyone who asks, the therapy sessions began at 4 a.m.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-10 noodle 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-10 Pub. Date: 2017-12-10
Image Number: 165352
Caption: I've been racking my brain trying to think of every interaction I've ever had with a woman. Dr. Noodle. I mean, when I was in my twenties, I did what guys in their twenties often did: I hit on women. Lots of them. We used to think that if a lady wasn’t interested, we just weren't trying hard enough. There were books about how to be more clever. How to be a pickup artist. There were times at the club when I was dancing with a lady, thought I had a shot, and went in for a kiss. Sometimes they didn't even know they were into me until I kissed them. But then they kissed back. Other times, they pushed me off and that was that ... or so I thought. Now, at any moment, some random woman could come forward and ruin my life. Well, lets start by acknowledging it's a healthy thing for society that men are learning what it's like to live in fear, for a change. Doesn't feel healthy.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-05 noodle 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-05 Pub. Date: 2017-12-05
Image Number: 165704
Caption: Am I paranoid, doc? I interviewed FCC Chairman Ajit Pai the other day … Dr. Noodle. I asked why he's so bent on killing net neutrality when it's the only thing stopping internet service providers from picking and choosing which websites we see. He said there's no evidence they do that. I said "Yeah, that's because net neutrality rules have forbidden them from doing that." All of a sudden our Skype conversation slowed to a crawl. First we should examine the possibility he was talking in slow motion just to mess with you.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-26 noodle 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-26 Pub. Date: 2017-11-26
Image Number: 165350
Caption: Women and men are coming forward and exposing all the powerful guys who've sexually harassed them. Its making me feel awfully worried and guilty. Dr. Noodle. Why? I'm worried that at any moment, a victim is going to come forward and ruin my life. That's natural. Think about it this way, though. If whoever it is you abused does come forward, you'll have a chance to come clean and clear your conscience. Huh? I've never abused anyone. I'm confused. I've already lost "House of Cards." This seems to be so pervasive, I could lose everything I spend my life watching. What'll I lose next, "Walking Dead"? "Man in the High Castle"? ... If they take "Big Bang Theory" my life'll pretty much be over. Just curious: Have you ever heard the phrases "get a life" and "it's not about you"? Hence the guilt.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-29 noodle 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-29 Pub. Date: 2017-10-29
Image Number: 163801
Caption: Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one in the office who notices the boss is a moron. Dr Noodle. Well … is he a moron? Certifiably. I even looked up the definition to be sure. A "moron" is defines as "a stupid person." So then I looked up "stupid" just to be sure. It means "having or showing a great lack of intelligence or common sense." I see you've given this a lot of thought. Yeah. Problem is, the last time he displayed his dingbattery I lose my temper and said "moron" out loud. The cretin heard about it. So to cover my behind, I had everyone gather around me and I praised him effusively. I laid it on thick, really buttered him up. Any intelligent person would have seen right through that. But your boss bought it. Instantly! See? Moron! How come no one else at works sees it?
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-25 noodle 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-25 Pub. Date: 2017-09-25
Image Number: 163097
Caption: Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my entire life being a journalist. Why bother? History just repeats itself anyway. Dr. Noodle. I just started reading a political memoir I heard about on the radio this morning. M.A. The Democrat James M. Cox wrote it after he lost the election of 1920 to Harding. It's called "That Which Occurred." He also blamed his loss on Bernie Sanders. I hope I can be as sharp as Bernie at his age.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-24 noodle 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-24 Pub. Date: 2017-09-24
Image Number: 162394
Caption: I can't shake the feeling that nothing is really real, doc. Dr. Noodle. I just got my doctorate in history. And I watch the news every day. And I've started feeling like I've wasted my whole life studying things that never happened. I mean, if everything I see happening right now is "fake," how am I supposed to trust history? How am I supposed to know that Mussolini or Napoleon or Genghis Khan or Robespierre or Caligula were ever really all that bad? Maybe all the journalists and scribes who chronicled their reigns were part of an age-old fake-news conspiracy dating all the way back to the days of Peisistratos? I see. When exactly did these doubts begin? Oh, about 546 B.C.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-20 noodle 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-20 Pub. Date: 2017-09-20
Image Number: 162850
Caption: All children go through a crisis when they first realize their parents aren't perfect. Tell me about it. Dr. Noodle. After Lionel calmed down, I convinced him I wasn't purposely trying to kill the neighbor by selling him a microwave that might cause cancer ... or at least I thought I did. That night, flashing lights and a siren woke me from a deep slumber. I looked out the window ad say the police and the coroner were at the neighbor's apartment. It's a good idea to hide the phone for the duration of the crisis. Scribble scrib - Lionel later told be he'd called anonymously, using the name "Daniel Tiger," so I wouldn't get locked up. He's so smart.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-19 noodle 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-19 Pub. Date: 2017-09-19
Image Number: 162849
Caption: When my little boy got home from day care and found out I'd sold the microwave, he started sobbing. Dr. Noodle. He asked who bought it. I said "a neighbor." He whimpered and blubbered "But I don't want the neighbor to have it! I want us to have it!" M.A ... I tried to make him feel better by telling him it's best not to have one anyway, because all microwaves leak radiation and that can cause cancer ... and that's when your son accused you of trying to murder your neighbor? I never realized how horrible a person I was until my son started asking questions.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-10 noodle 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-10 Pub. Date: 2017-09-10
Image Number: 161858
Caption: My uncle keeps sending me crazy, paranoid conspiracy theories he hears on Youtube. Dr. Noodle. It all started a few years ago when he sent me an email about how the victims of the Hindenburg crash were all crisis actors. These same victims died on the Titanic! He wrote. Then he told me President Obama was setting up Femur Camps, where he'd be letting the Illuminati harvest our femur bones for voodoo incantations to turn all our frogs into insomniacs. When I asked him why on earth would anyone want to do that? he said I had been brainwashed by the cabal that runs both the fake news and the pepperoni industries. So I replied why would they waste their time brainwashing me? What would they gain from that? Does your uncle have a hobby? Get him to refer uncle!!! $$$$$$$ ... because it's possible that you're his hobby. He said they've brainwashed me into thinking there's nothing to gain from brainwashing me.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-23 noodle 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-23 Pub. Date: 2017-07-23
Image Number: 160037
Caption: Nobody's proper anymore. Dr. Noodle. What ever happened to the good old days, when gentlemen were gentlemen? Men never spit in public. Men never had tattoos unless they were pirates. And ladies were ladies. You never would've caught Queen Victoria twerking on Instagram. Sometimes I feel like I was born 150 years too late. That's a common affliction. "Guy-who-would-never-have-been-a-slave-150-years-ago-itis." There are 45 million slaves today, y'know.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-25 noodle 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-25 Pub. Date: 2017-06-25
Image Number: 158877
Caption: What brings you to therapy, Rudy? Dr. Noodle. I've been feeling like my whole life is on pause. And I can't find the remote to unpause it. Meanwhile, everyone else's stories are proceeding apace. They're all into the second act already. They've all had plot twists, and hero's journeys, and epic love scenes, and thrilling reversals of fortune ... Meanwhile, I'm still paused on the opening credits because no remote. Why don't you get up off the couch and unpause it manually? You can do that?
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-14 noodle 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-14 Pub. Date: 2017-05-14
Image Number: 157342
Caption: They got to him. I don't know how, but they got to him. Dr. Noodle. I should've seen it coming, though. After all, a guy who gets all butt-hurt about questions is the White House Spokesman in charge of answering questions. A guy who opposes paid leave and equal pay is in charge of the White House's responses to women's issues. A guy who doesn't believe in climate change is in charge of the EPA. A reputed bigot is in charge of enforcing civil rights. Trump even tried to put a guy whose company violated wage, hour and child labor laws in charge of the Department of Labor. I still don't think we know what Luke Skywalker meant by "it's time for the Jedi to end." I don't like Star Wars now that I know it's set in the Trump White House.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-30 noodle 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-30 Pub. Date: 2017-04-30
Image Number: 156792
Caption: What brings you to therapy … "Steve"? I feel like everything is slipping out of my clutches. Dr. Noodle. I spent years cozying up to the boss, isolating him from the advice of others, stoking his paranoia. I subtly convinced him that everyone was against him and that he could trust no one but me and his family, and even they were a little fishy. I had him in the palm of my hand. I said "buy," he bought. I said "sell," he sold. I said "destroy," and he ruined the lives of the people I said were his enemies. I was the most powerful man in the world! I was the man behind the throne! Did I say I charge $100 an hour? I meant to say $1,000. But then I made the mistake of turning off his tv in the middle of Finding Dory. It's his favorite movie.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-26 noodle 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-26 Pub. Date: 2017-03-26
Image Number: 155437
Caption: Yesterday, I visited my 97-year-old grandpa for the first time in six months. Dr. Noodle. He opened his door. I said "Grandpa! I missed you!" He looked me up and down and said "You gained a pound." It was all I could think about the whole time. As I drove him to his favorite restaurant, I was worried the seatbelt made me look bulgy ... When we ordered, I felt like he was judging my choices and so I only ordered crackers and water. When I hugged him goodbye, I sucked my gut in as hard as I could. Why don't we just focus on the fact he hugged you? When he hugged me, he said "You at that whole cracker."
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-17 noodle 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-17 Pub. Date: 2017-03-17
Image Number: 155656
Caption: I should be unhappy. Dr. Noodle. Yesterday, I stubbed my toe. My website went down. I got mugged. A man laughed at me when I asked for help. But at night when I tucked my boy in, he squeezed my nose and said "I love you daddy." All of a sudden I was happier than I've ever been in my life. If your happiness depends on that, I'm going to clean up when he's a teenager.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-16 noodle 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-16 Pub. Date: 2017-03-16
Image Number: 155655
Caption: Everything's good. I'm happy doctor. Dr. Noodle. Excellent! That's great news! As long as your happiness is genuine. As long as its not actually denial. Or as long as it doesn't cause you to become complacent. Nope. Genuine happiness over here. Let's schedule an extra sessions so we can find out if that's the case. M.A.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-29 noodle 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-29 Pub. Date: 2017-01-29
Image Number: 153149
Caption: It all started back in college when I bought a copy of "Mimic City." It was cheap: About 20 simoleons. Dr. Noodle. I played it night and day. When "Mimic City 2" came out, I rushed out to buy it. And every few years a newer, better one would come out. Every iteration was more advanced than the last. The little mimics who populated Mimic City came to seem more and more real. They had jobs, and love lives, and had mimic kids, and grew old. Eventually, I started to wonder: If my mimics behave as if they're real ... what if they actually believe they're real? Would that make me their God? And, if they think they're real ... what if I only THINK I'm real? What if I and everyone else in Simkind are actually living in some game called "Sim City"? Not to self: Stop self-medicating, and just to be sure, delete games from phone. Thank you, Almighty Noodle, for listening to my prayers. Amen.
     
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