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Rudy Park

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2018-02-06 most 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2018-02-06 Pub. Date: 2018-02-06
Image Number: 168187
Caption: I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy. Which part do you miss most? Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what tv shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission? Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors.
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2018-01-25 most 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2018-01-25 Pub. Date: 2018-01-25
Image Number: 167659
Caption: Rudy, it's come to my attention you were talking to patrons about "Star Wars" again. I don't think so … I did talk about Star Trek. Oh … I see. I love Star Trek. I'm not ashamed to admit that I've looked up to its main characters my whole life. Really? Which ones, Kirk? Spock? Picard? Data? Sisko? Who? No, I mean the Ferengi. The most greedy businessmen in the galaxy. In a whole galaxy of Communists, they kept the predatory capitalist torch burning. Unsung heroes. Very bad man.
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2018-01-21 most 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2018-01-21 Pub. Date: 2018-01-21
Image Number: 166993
Caption: Tonight on The Price is Right! Three people compete … to the death. Animal Planet brings you the gruesome mating dance of the preying … CNBC stock analysts, Jane Ponziskeem and Chuck Boughtman. You two both see, to agree the President's tax … Calamity was the most apocalyptic thing that ever happened in the history of the inner solar system. The devastating impact blew much of the earth's crust into orbit. After millions of years, it all coalesced to form ... Disney. The company now owns much of our popular culture. Aside from its catalogue of Disney films, the behemoth now owns the rights to Star Wars, the rights to X-Men, the rights to the Fantastic Four, and the rights to - you're behind. But you can catch up easily! You can get your revenge, with Montezuma energy drink! Side effects may include projectile hurling, incontinence, colorectal warming, and -- Whales! Admiral, there be whales here! Well done, Mister Scott. How soon can we be ready for warp speed?
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-12-30 most 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-12-30 Pub. Date: 2017-12-30
Image Number: 166544
Caption: John Barth wrote "Everyone is necessarily the hero of his own life story." That he did, little buddy. But what if a person spends most of his life watching tv, films, Youtube, Instagram, Facebook, etc? What if my -- I mean, this person's -- life story is watching other people's life stories? Does that make other people the hero of this person's story? Sometimes I don't know where I end and Kanye begins. That'd be somewhere around Kim Kardashian.
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-12-16 most 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-12-16 Pub. Date: 2017-12-16
Image Number: 166034
Caption: Most Millennial want a third major party to challenge the Republicans and Democrats. The last time a third party rose up and toppled a big-two party was when the Republicans supplanted the Whigs. What do you think that generation was called? Google says they were the "Progressives," but that doesn't sound old-timey enough to be right. I'm not sure what they should be named, but I'm pretty sure it should include the word "falutin." You should have your own political show.
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-12-07 most 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-12-07 Pub. Date: 2017-12-07
Image Number: 165718
Caption: You've been glaring at me all morning, Sadie. You're imagining things, cretin. It's not as if I'm calculating the optimal strategy for turning your friends against you, destroying your reputation, and making you the most despised cretin in town. It's not as if I've already set my plan into motion, and now I'm gleefully imagining the tears raining from your eyes as you spiral downward into an abyss of disgrace. I said I was sorry there was a hair in your oatmeal. Too late! Your demise is already trending.
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-12-06 most 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-12-06 Pub. Date: 2017-12-06
Image Number: 165717
Caption: Rudy, how come you're not wearing the new uniform? You were serious? You seriously want me to dress like a robot? Of course I do, minion. My nightly perusal of customers' web searches indicates most of them are feeling a bit antisocial lately. They'd probably buy more coffee from a robot than a human. Oh wait ... new web searches coming in. I'm going to need you to dress like a sexy robot. Very bad man.
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-12-05 most 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-12-05 Pub. Date: 2017-12-05
Image Number: 165716
Caption: It's the Ask Sadie Advice Hour. Weepy in Wisconsin, you're on. What's your problem?! House of Java.net cybercafe. I just read the most beautiful poem ever. It's called On Children, by Kahlil Gibran. I have two babies myself, and after reading that, I just can't stop weeping. When your babies are teenagers they'll wreck your car, steal your watch, and be ashamed to be seen with you. There. Have you stopped crying yet, loser? Still crying. Different reason. You're welcome. Next caller!
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-11-05 most 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-11-05 Pub. Date: 2017-11-05
Image Number: 164017
Caption: What can I get you? The pumpernickel sriracha margarita mocha sounds good. Ok. Can I get you anything else, ma'am? Yes. An explanation of the Fermi paradox. Would you like the most common explanation, or the latest explanation? The latest would be lovely. Despite knowing there are trillions of planets out there, we haven't seen any evidence of alien life because we're part of a simulation. We exist on the computer of someone living in a higher reality. The limits of our knowledge are dictated by the sophistication of the guy's program. He's been steadily upgrading the program. That's why the Hubble telescope "discovered" all those "old" galaxies, and that's why we've "discovered" thousands of new planets. We'll "discover" aliens as soon as the guy running our simulation gets around to installing the "alien life" expansion pack. I meant to ask for that "to go."
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-09-13 most 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-09-13 Pub. Date: 2017-09-13
Image Number: 162611
Caption: I've never had a real date, because they always refuse to sign the Dutch contract. "The Dutch Contract"? Most relationships fail because of money. Because one party starts to see the other party as a piggy bank. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask prospective dates to sear under oath that they'll always go Dutch on everything. Maybe it's the title people object to. A lot of conservatives can't stand anything that sounds European. Yeah. That must be it.
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-07-22 most 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-07-22 Pub. Date: 2017-07-22
Image Number: 160524
Caption: You know why most political comic strips are leftist? Wait … is that your own observation, or did you overhear it somewhere? I'm shocked, Randy. Haven't you heard of morphic resonance? If a few members of a species learn something, then pretty soon it's inbred knowledge in the rest of the species. As proof: I don't even recall reading about morphic resonance. I just know about it. Obviously because someone else read about it. So I think you'll agree, first-person observation is highly overrated. I'm pretty sure you meant "inborn" knowledge, not "inbred." See? You're "pretty sure" because morphic resonance. More proof.
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-07-16 most 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-07-16 Pub. Date: 2017-07-16
Image Number: 159829
Caption: Remember how you advised me to get a dangerous hobby to build up my self-esteem and impress people? Well, all the dangerous hobbies were already taken. You wrestle alligators … Armstrong skis down a pile of his money … Without a helmet. Even that ancient hag Sadie has a dangerous hobby. Every year, in violation of both common sense and local fire safety ordinances, the old lady lights all the candles on her birthday cake. I heard that!!! Fun fact: The 20th century was one of the most brutal in history. I witnessed most of it. And I took notes!! I've taken up "Sadie-taunting." You'd be better off with the alligators.
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-06-18 most 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-06-18 Pub. Date: 2017-06-18
Image Number: 158722
Caption: I forgot my phone at the hotel. How do I get to the planetarium? That depends on how much it's worth to you. What? What do you mean? Do you want the long way or the short way? Do you want the safe way through the cobblestone paths of Lily Pad Meadow … or do you want the treacherous way over the frigid Reaper Mountain Pass? Do you seriously expect me to pay for directions? Is that a serious question? This is America, where we have an obligation to turn a profit on every interaction, unless we're donating to charity for a tax write-off. Unless you're a 501-3c I have to charge you. It's in the Constitution. I only have $5 on me. I'll print out the treacherous directions for you. For an extra $1 I'll make sure it avoids most of the rabid grizzly squirrels.
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-05-26 most 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-05-26 Pub. Date: 2017-05-26
Image Number: 158356
Caption: … So Ace Peerless and I were parasailing, and out of nowhere, he took out his knife, cut his cords, and plummeted into the ocean. Of all the times I've had men run out in the middle of an argument, that was by far the most annoying. Susan, I said my old college roommate Rudy Park is a Russian spy, and a federal agent put me on a plane to Moscow to follow him and expose how he's helping Putin blackmail the president! Not being heard. That is my biggest pet peeve, Lemont. Ace knows that. Could you pick my son up from daycare?
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-02-21 most 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-02-21 Pub. Date: 2017-02-21
Image Number: 154814
Caption: I found out something last night that just totally destroyed my entire worldview. The burrito, as most Americans know it, did not actually come from Mexico. Or maybe it did. The internet is of two minds about the issue. The point is, if you can't count on the burrito being Mexican, you can't count on anything. I have something to tell you about Chop Suey.
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-02-13 most 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-02-13 Pub. Date: 2017-02-13
Image Number: 154550
Caption: Hey boss, why's there a Roomba scooting around the café with a tray of drink and a credit card reader? Oh … you notices that? Don't be concerned, minion. There's only one Rudy Park. By the way, interesting bit of trivia for no particular reason: Have you heard that we're losing most of our jobs, and people who still have jobs can't get a raise, not 'cause of outsourcing ... not 'cause of immigration ... but 'cause of robots? Anyway, go plug in Roomba Park for a little while. He needs recharging. Very bad man.
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-02-10 most 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-02-10 Pub. Date: 2017-02-10
Image Number: 154259
Caption: You're a hard man to read, Randy. At times, you seem like a cad. A Don Juan. A scoundrel. But at other times, you seem wise. Mature. Supportive. Ladies are most responsive to a "bad guy" to "good guy" ratio of 7 to 6.3756892. My findings have been published in the Oxford Journal of Lovin'.
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-01-29 most 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-01-29 Pub. Date: 2017-01-29
Image Number: 152972
Caption: What can I get you? An explanation about why Disney can't do what we all want the to do … and have the folks who made Rogue One go back and remake the super-lame Star Wars prequel trilogy. Would you like the inaccurate explanation or the accurate one? Inaccurate would be lovely, please. It's too soon to remake "Phantom Menace." Plus it'd be confusing. Besides, the prequels were good enough. What're you talking about? It's been 18 years since "Phantom Menace." And movies get rebooted all the time, and no one gets confused. And no, they were most definitely not good enough. Well you asked for the inaccurate version. Oh. Can I try the accurate one, then? Ok. It's because it's just easier to pretend the prequels never existed. But I want them to officially never have existed.
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2017-01-12 most 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2017-01-12 Pub. Date: 2017-01-12
Image Number: 153095
Caption: Today on the Ask Sadie Show, we'll be addressing one single topic: Donald Trump's Inauguration. Specifically, we'll talk about how most of the big starts asked to perform for him refused to do it. We'll also be talking about how yours truly won the blue ribbon at the 1928 Jr. Miss Flapper competition at the "And How!" speakeasy for my rendition of "Bug-Eyed Betty is the Bees Knees." Trump called me, but I refused to perform too. But I gave him the third runner-up's contact info. Trump, Bessie May Gobthwacker is waiting for your call.
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2016-12-21 most 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2016-12-21 Pub. Date: 2016-12-21
Image Number: 152377
Caption: How many people do you think you've been mean to in your long, long, long life, Sadie? About six … living, that is. Technically, there've been hundreds and hundreds, at least, but they've all passed away. There are only six left. That is the single most lamentable part of outliving all your greatest creations. Emotionally scarred people are your "creations"? Imagine if Michelangelo had lived to see all his greatest works crumble to dust.
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