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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-30 miss 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-30 Pub. Date: 2017-06-30
Image Number: 159712
Caption: Meanwhile, in Candorville … " … and the aria turned, smiled sweetly, and stepped off the cliff." The Last Book Store. Meet the author! Thank you, thank you so much. Any questions. I've got a question, miss. Lysurgus Cup. The Willow Chronicles. Clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap. Wow! Clap! Clap clap clap. How hungry are you? I knew a French place around the corner. Wanna get out of here? Yes. I mean NO. I mean, I'm working here. And I've got a man. Lemont. And I AM hungry though. And no! I'll be outside on the Harley.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-26 miss 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-26 Pub. Date: 2017-03-26
Image Number: 155437
Caption: Yesterday, I visited my 97-year-old grandpa for the first time in six months. Dr. Noodle. He opened his door. I said "Grandpa! I missed you!" He looked me up and down and said "You gained a pound." It was all I could think about the whole time. As I drove him to his favorite restaurant, I was worried the seatbelt made me look bulgy ... When we ordered, I felt like he was judging my choices and so I only ordered crackers and water. When I hugged him goodbye, I sucked my gut in as hard as I could. Why don't we just focus on the fact he hugged you? When he hugged me, he said "You at that whole cracker."
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-24 miss 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-24 Pub. Date: 2017-02-24
Image Number: 154805
Caption: Lemont? Where've you been all day? I was waiting for you at lunch and you never showed up. I couldn't. After I dropped Lionel off at day care, everything went wrong. Someone had snatched my wallet, so I had to walk 20 blocks to get home. But my keys were missing, so I tried to climb in the fire escape. That's when I got arrested. Didn't they give you one phone call? I used it to call a lawyer. Forgive me for being so selfish. I waited a whole hour, Lemont.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-22 miss 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-22 Pub. Date: 2017-01-22
Image Number: 152909
Caption: I'm so over 2017. Dr. Noodle. I was looking forward to it, but now it can't end too soon for me. I thought it was going to be like old times. I thought I'd get to see what she could do. With her talent and strength, there was so much she could have accomplished. Instead, we're left with a lot less light and a lot more darkness. Now who's going to save the republic from that spoiled little angry, narcissistic baby-man? I miss Carrie Fisher too. General Leia Organa was our only hope.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-25 miss 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-25 Pub. Date: 2016-11-25
Image Number: 151298
Caption: Tyrone? I miss the days when my mother held me to her breast and sang nursery rhymes to me. That's because you're gullible, Rosencrantz. Nursery rhymes are how they program us to accept the notion that there is no truth, that facts are fungible and open to interpretation. Take "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star," for instance. We know exactly what stars are. We don't have to "wonder." Twinkle twinkle little star ... we know exactly what you are ... giant spheres of glowing gas ... powered by nuclear fusion ... Spare change?
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-13 miss 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-13 Pub. Date: 2016-11-13
Image Number: 150252
Caption: Your suggestion didn't work, Susan. Thinking about baseball should have worked. Did you do it right? What do you mean? Did you think of the boring, repetitive parts? I tried. I thought about the batter swinging the bat around in the on-deck circle … the runners going around and around the diamond ... the batters swinging and almost always missing ... but instead of distracting me, it relaxed me. It wasn't boring, Susan. It was rhythmic. Baseball is a Zen-like experience that puts you into a trance. It frees the mind and makes it easier ... not harder ... for your mind to wander where you don't want it to go ... so it didn't stop me from wondering who's going to run for president in 2020. Ok, plan B: Try doing long division in your head.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-10 miss 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-10 Pub. Date: 2016-09-10
Image Number: 148219
Caption: I have to admit, Big L, you gettin' better. You made two shots in the right basket. I was proud, bruh. I was in the zone. It was like I was a leaf blowing on the wind. A pebble floating in the river Almost nobody even laughed this time when you tried to dunk an' missed the rim. You noticed that?
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-09 miss 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-09 Pub. Date: 2016-09-09
Image Number: 148218
Caption: I think my son's ready to learn a sport. Whachoo gon' teach him, Lemont? You gon' teach him to bounce the ball off his foot an' chase after it 'fore it go in the street? Or you gon' teach him to get the ball swatted out his hand when he try to shoot? Or you gon' teach him to miss the rim an' the backboard altogether? None of that has ever happened. In the same game. You gon' teach him to make his one an' only shot in the wrong basket?
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-02 miss 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-02 Pub. Date: 2016-09-02
Image Number: 147923
Caption: I wrote a very realistic screenplay that subverts all the usual Hollywood clichs. We don't see the protagonist in a moody bar when he feels down; we spend an hour watching him fall asleep all along in front of his tv and when he tries to stop a wedding, it takes him half an hour to find a good parking spot, and he misses the whole thing. We watch him circle the block for a half an hour. Clichs are clichs for a reason.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-08-30 miss 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-08-30 Pub. Date: 2016-08-30
Image Number: 147920
Caption: That trailer for Eddie Murphy's "Mr. Church" don't look like nothin' but "Driving Miss Daisy Part 2." It look like it literally a film about a brotha who spend decades serving white people an' tryin' to be part of they family instead of makin' his own. I was willin' to look the other way when he was talkin' to animals, and when a tree made him shut up for a whole movie, an' when he played a donkey. But when he play a black man who want nothin' outta life but to cook grits for two white women, I draw the line. It's a true story!!! That makes it ok.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-05-01 miss 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-05-01 Pub. Date: 2016-05-01
Image Number: 142176
Caption: Hi "Vancouver," I've missed you during the 30 minutes we weren't talking. I've missed you too, "Candorville." I'm about to get on the train. I wish I were getting on that train with you. A. Want to spend the day with me? Of course, cutie!!! Ok. I've turned on the camera. Do you see the train pulling up? I see it. Where do you want to sit, Princess Leia? On your lap, of course, Han Solo. Cellphones on laps may cause sterility, snookums. @#$% long-distance relationships.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-04-27 miss 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-04-27 Pub. Date: 2016-04-27
Image Number: 142411
Caption: Is it weird that I've been keeping a journal of all my son's firsts? No. His first smile His first act of defiance, the first time he said "agoo" Is it weird that it's all annotated with photos, videos and audio recordings? No. Is it weird that I had him reenact the firsts I missed? (This cartoon was originally published on 2014-03-31).
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-03-24 miss 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-03-24 Pub. Date: 2016-03-24
Image Number: 140811
Caption: Last night, I couldn't wait till my toddler went to sleep so I could relax and watch tv in peace. But once he fell asleep, I missed him so much that I watched his favorite shows till I fell asleep too. I could've watched "Game of Thrones" or a racy movie ... but I watched "Thomas the Train." ... for three hours, Susan. What's wrong with me? Reason #485 why I will never have kids. "Thomas the Train" is actually a pretty subversive show, when you think about it.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-03-19 miss 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-03-19 Pub. Date: 2016-03-19
Image Number: 140514
Caption: Whachooneed, whachooneed I got a toothbrush, a bus pass, a gas card, an alternative to Obamacare Wait back up. What kind of toothbrush? Because my toothbrush recently went missing. I wrote my name on it. Lemme see the handle. Can't. It's the kind that come with a filed-off handle.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-03-11 miss 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-03-11 Pub. Date: 2016-03-11
Image Number: 140182
Caption: I wish I could go back in time and tell myself it's not too late. When I was nine, momma asked me if I wanted guitar lessons. But I told her no, because I thought I was too old. Clyde had been playing guitar since he was three. At nine, I thought I had already missed my chance. If I'd started learning when I was nine, I'd have been playing for decades now. I'd be a master at it by now. Well why don't you take some lessons now? Are you kidding? At MY age?
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-01-10 miss 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-01-10 Pub. Date: 2016-01-10
Image Number: 137119
Caption: The other day, Kelly texted me "Hi." So right away I texted back three paragraphs saying hi, asking how she was, and whether she wanted to meet. Did she write back? Yeah. About six hours later. She sent me an "lol." So right away I texted back an "lol" plus four paragraphs asking how her day was, and pointing out that she didn't say whether she wanted to meet. Did she write back. No. I kept checking my phone the rest of the night, but she never wrote back. She finally wrote back three days later. What did she write? She wrote "I miss you." OMG. That's exactly what I wrote! Right away. Plus five paragraphs asking if she wanted to meet.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-12-21 miss 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-12-21 Pub. Date: 2015-12-21
Image Number: 136828
Caption: Vancouver said she's down for our double date next week, Susan. That's good. Mr. B said he's looking forward to it too. "Mister B"? You call the guy "Mister B"? What's up with that? He calls me "Miss G." It's just a little thing we do. I wonder if our little things are as disgusting as YOUR little things. We only do that when we're rubbing noses.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-11-18 miss 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-11-18 Pub. Date: 2015-11-18
Image Number: 135315
Caption: Whachoo gon' do for Thanksgiving, Big L? Visit momma. Lionel's almost three, and she hasn't seen him in months. She's going to be so surprised when I show up with my boy, a turkey dinner and flowers. She ain't know you comin'? What if she ain't there? Well, then me missing Thanksgiving would be HER fault ... and the only logical thing for Lionel and me to do would be to camp out at the theater and wait 'till "Star Wars" opens. I see what game you runnin' bruh. You ain't slick.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-08-11 miss 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-08-11 Pub. Date: 2015-08-11
Image Number: 130934
Caption: Robin Thicke's new girlfriend looks an awful lot like his ex-wife Paula Patton. That's so textbook. Textbook? It's right out of chapter 7 of The Guy's Guide to Breakups by Randy "The Rock" Taylor. Chapter 7's called "You Can't Miss Her if You're Dating Her Clone." I really don't want to talk about Robin Thicke. I'm trying to give you a head's up, Susan. Every man's a little bit Thicke.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-06-28 miss 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-06-28 Pub. Date: 2015-06-28
Image Number: 128375
Caption: Hello Concast Cable? This is Lemont Brown. I'd like you to stop calling me. You don't really want that. Yes, I do. Stop trying to get me back. It's over. It's satellite isn't it? I could give you more than satellite gives you just give me a chance. No, its not ... Listen, it's not you, it's not satellite. A couple years ago, I discovered Roku. And all of a sudden, Roku gave me Netflix, and Hulu, and Crackle on my tv ... and all of a sudden I had what I never knew I'd been missing. So you see, it's not you, Concast ... it's me. You're just saying that. Yeah. I am. it IS you. You and your stupid van and your smug attitude and your crazy hidden fees. It would be a shame if I were to raise your broadband bill and then you couldn't afford to stream Netflix. See? This! This is exactly the sort of thing that made me leave you!
     
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