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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-04 made 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-04 Pub. Date: 2017-10-04
Image Number: 163372
Caption: Susan, remember when that hurricane decimated Puerto Rico? Remember how the president immediately sent the Navy, lobbied Congress for an emergency funding bill, made it easy for refugees to reach the mainland, and moved heaven and earth to restore power to the island's hospitals? Wait ... are you being sarcastic? And remember how the media covered it just as much as they did Houston?
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-28 made 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-28 Pub. Date: 2017-09-28
Image Number: 163100
Caption: … So anyway, I had to fire an art director, a copywriter, a designer, a production artist and our web designer because of that donkey incident. That's too bad. But you did the right thing … you made the tough decision … "Always do what's best for the donkey," that's my motto. You know, I can tell when you haven't really been listening. What? I was totally listening! Then tell me what happened with the donkey. It's too atrocious for words. Nice try.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-09 made 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-09 Pub. Date: 2017-09-09
Image Number: 162347
Caption: My son keeps loading 'The Cosby Show' on Hulu. What fo'? Cosby ain't never been funny. He always been boring as @#$% an' I ain't never liked him. Cosby ain't nothin' now, Cosby ain't never been nothin', and I always thought he was creepy. People always try to go back and pretend they were right about someone all along. He ain't never made me laugh. Not even once!
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-26 made 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-26 Pub. Date: 2017-08-26
Image Number: 161805
Caption: I saw all them tweets you made this mornin' about how both sides need to come together … about how even though both sides have very different views of what our defining principles ought to be, we should respect each other. I was almost with you right till the last tweet, which don't make no sense, bruh. #startrekdiscovery fans + #oldschooltrek fans, stop the madness! is pretty self-explanatory, Clyde. What language is you even speaking?
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-01 made 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-01 Pub. Date: 2017-07-01
Image Number: 159713
Caption: Lemont's in Russia … Hi Vancouver, how'd your book signing go? Amazing. How's your Russia story? Eye-opening. After I interviewed the blackmailer, the hackers, the oligarch, and a Kremlin goon, I interviewed a bunch of average Russians to find out why they're cool with being led by an autocratic narcissist with delusions of Czardom ... because he's made Russia great again. I wish I could've been there for you, babe ... me too.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-28 made 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-28 Pub. Date: 2017-06-28
Image Number: 159710
Caption: Lemont's in Russia … President Putin asked that I answer all your journalist questions on his behalf. Get you to see we are not the boogeyman the American press has made us to be. If that fails, I am to poisoning you with rare gelsemium elefans death flower. Joking, joking, why you cannot take joke? Oh. Ok, then. Polonium-210 or throwing from balcony much more effective.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-04 made 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-04 Pub. Date: 2017-06-04
Image Number: 158134
Caption: I've never been in here before. What's your best drink? That'd be the Gambler's Mocha. Sounds interesting. What's in it? Oh … a little of this, a little of that. For all you know, it's a smooth blend of hand-mixed Amedei Porcelana dark chocolate from Tuscany ... and Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee beans, hand-picked by sherpas 5,000 feet above sea level precisely at sunset ... topped with a light whip of frozen Arctic sea foam, and black diamond cream from Dubai ... for all you know ... Or it could be day-old sludge made with tap water from Flint? I thought you said you'd never been here before. Siri, where's the nearest Starbucks?
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-01 made 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-01 Pub. Date: 2017-06-01
Image Number: 158603
Caption: Departed 2nd Lieutenant Richard Collins III visits Lemont's dream. Why does my murder affect you so personally? You didn't even know me. M. Maybe that's why. You were graduating from a great school … you were commissioned in the army … By all accounts, you were funny, you were brilliant, you were going to be someone consequential. Someone who could've made history. I SHOULD have someday known you. But now I never will.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-21 made 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-21 Pub. Date: 2017-05-21
Image Number: 157604
Caption: I'm tired of people complaining about how the coral reefs have pretty much died off. I mean yeah, a huge variety of fish and other sealife rely on the coral reefs. And yeah, about 500 million people in turn depend on that sealife for food, jobs and recreation. But it's not mankind's fault those sea creatures decided to sponge off the hard work of the polyps that made all the coral. Wait ... what? ... and it's not our fault that 500 million people didn't think ahead and get real jobs instead of sponging off welfare fish. Besides, marine habitats are something better left to private industry. If the fish really want vast expanses of underwater limestone shelters, let them buy it on the free market like the rest of us. Besides, I was just wasting my time with all those snorkeling vacations. I should've been working. You're just trying to make yourself feel better. Newsweak.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-30 made 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-30 Pub. Date: 2017-04-30
Image Number: 156792
Caption: What brings you to therapy … "Steve"? I feel like everything is slipping out of my clutches. Dr. Noodle. I spent years cozying up to the boss, isolating him from the advice of others, stoking his paranoia. I subtly convinced him that everyone was against him and that he could trust no one but me and his family, and even they were a little fishy. I had him in the palm of my hand. I said "buy," he bought. I said "sell," he sold. I said "destroy," and he ruined the lives of the people I said were his enemies. I was the most powerful man in the world! I was the man behind the throne! Did I say I charge $100 an hour? I meant to say $1,000. But then I made the mistake of turning off his tv in the middle of Finding Dory. It's his favorite movie.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-11 made 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-11 Pub. Date: 2017-04-11
Image Number: 156719
Caption: What was in that burrito you made? It's giving me serious heartburn. Whachoomean, dawg? Ain't nothin' in there I don't always put in there. That's a double negative. Are you saying there wasn't anything unusual in there, or are you saying there was? That questions don't make no sense. Now you're just messing with me.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-26 made 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-26 Pub. Date: 2017-03-26
Image Number: 155437
Caption: Yesterday, I visited my 97-year-old grandpa for the first time in six months. Dr. Noodle. He opened his door. I said "Grandpa! I missed you!" He looked me up and down and said "You gained a pound." It was all I could think about the whole time. As I drove him to his favorite restaurant, I was worried the seatbelt made me look bulgy ... When we ordered, I felt like he was judging my choices and so I only ordered crackers and water. When I hugged him goodbye, I sucked my gut in as hard as I could. Why don't we just focus on the fact he hugged you? When he hugged me, he said "You at that whole cracker."
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-02 made 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-02 Pub. Date: 2017-03-02
Image Number: 155069
Caption: This morning, Lionel asked me how they make cereal and I realized … I had no idea. How am I supposed to keep my baby boy from growing up to be a moron if I can't even answer simple questions? Anyway, I found a video about cereal-making on Youtube and showed it to him. The best brad he'll be able to come up with when he's in school is "My dad can google better than your dad."
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-23 made 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-23 Pub. Date: 2017-02-23
Image Number: 154804
Caption: So, I won the American Press Foundation's Ambrose Award for Snarky Journalism. That's awesome, Lemont! Does it come with any prize money? Yeah, $2500! But I had to travel cross country to accept it in person. The plane tickets for Lionel and me were $600. The attire was "short-sleeved tuxedo," so I had to have one custom made for over $1000. Well, still ... prestigious. And you scored $900! Lionel's tux was $950.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-18 made 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-18 Pub. Date: 2017-02-18
Image Number: 154537
Caption: "A rising tide lifts all boats," except the ones made of cardboard. This end …
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-11 made 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-11 Pub. Date: 2017-02-11
Image Number: 154242
Caption: What's wrong with you? I thought sitting on the sidewalk crack would make me happier. But after the initial thrill wore off, it became apparent to me it was no different from sitting beside it. This upends the entire paradigm, Rosencrantz. It means the hereafter is no happier than the ... the therebefore. I'm pretty sure "therebefore" hasn't been an actual word for a long, long time, Tyrone. And has that realization made you any happier?
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-07 made 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-07 Pub. Date: 2017-02-07
Image Number: 154238
Caption: Dick Fink, did you send out that company-wide memo I gave you? No way. All that stuff about "tolerance" and "acceptance" of employees of all faiths and national origins made you sound like some boring "social justice warrior." Frankly, it smacked of "virtue signalling," so I tossed it for your own good. You can't make "being nice" a bad thing by labeling it to death. You're welcome.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-04 made 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-04 Pub. Date: 2017-02-04
Image Number: 153976
Caption: Mr. Fitzhugh, I'm not happy with the changes you made to that movie trailer I produced for DC. It's supposed to be a light-hearted superhero comedy. And? Yayle. CEO of the Year 2002. And, you somehow made it look all dark and gritty and brutal. And? "Bat-Cow" is not supposed to seem this serious. Let's agree to disagree.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-20 made 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-20 Pub. Date: 2017-01-20
Image Number: 153408
Caption: The next morning, Vancouver and I strolled along the shore to get breakfast. But we never made it to the café, because she said she'd made an important discovery. She said … there was nothing on any menu on earth that could ever taste as good as my lips ... or my earlobe, or the nape of my neck. What do you think of that, Susan? I think she's a cannibal.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-10 made 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-10 Pub. Date: 2017-01-10
Image Number: 153087
Caption: Too many women feel entitled. I blame every man who calls his little girl a princess. I told my daughter "You ain't no princess! Take off that @#$% tiara! Ain't nobody gonna 'take care of you' but you." Now that's "real talk." A lot of men feel "entitled," too. Not my son. Made him pay me room an' board ever since he was three. Two packs of bubble gum due first of every month.
     
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