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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-14 looks 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-14 Pub. Date: 2017-10-14
Image Number: 163633
Caption: When I was four, Rosencrantz, I was convinced the world only existed when I was looking at it. A blank expanse of nothingness lurked beyond every corner, until I rounded it and my mind brought another vista into being. Imagine my shock and my jealousy when, decades later, the scientist Robert Lanza proposed the very same idea, to great acclaim. But then I remembered that Robert Lanza didn't exist until I conjured him from the ether, so the acclaim belongs to me after all. Wouldn't it belong to whoever conjured you?
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-08 looks 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-08 Pub. Date: 2017-08-08
Image Number: 161292
Caption: Looks like the Affordable Care Act is here to stay. That's right … sucker. What? Everyone know the ACA was a Republican idea. We came up with it as an alternative to single-payer health care. We knew the only way to make the left embrace it was for the right to attack it. You hate us so much that if we attack it, you cling to it like it's your dear old momma. We even let it be "saved" at the last minute, just to seal your love affair with it. Yeah, right. Like this was all part of some "master plan." McCain hammed it up a little at the end, but it was a nice touch.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-02 looks 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-02 Pub. Date: 2017-08-02
Image Number: 161032
Caption: You look happy. I AM happy. The sun's shining, there's a warm breeze and a great view. I mean, sure, someday I'll be too old or sick to enjoy any of that … and sure, someday, I'll be lying on my deathbed, realizing I'll never enjoy any of that again, but ... Um ... Forget I told you you look happy. Thanks a lot, Susan.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-16 looks 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-16 Pub. Date: 2017-07-16
Image Number: 159772
Caption: Cool shirt. You gonna watch the new Star Trek tv show? No way! It's a horrible show and it's going to fail! What? Why? All the angriest people on the internet agree with me. It looks to much like J.J. Abrams' J.J. - Trek nonsense … It's a scam to distract from CBS suing fan film creators ... O ... K ... it looks too advanced to be a prequel, the bridge is on the bottom of the saucer and not the top, the Klingons look stupid ... O ... K ... I guess I can ... There are too many minorities on it ... it's on CBS All Access instead of on broadcast or Netflix ... Wait ... What?! I shouldn't have to pay $6 month and watch it where they want me to watch it. They should give it to me how I want it! Didn't you just get all racist for a second? It should be free. It shouldn't force "diversity" down my throat. I should be able to see it on the channel I want to see it on. There! Right there! You just did it again!
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-22 looks 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-22 Pub. Date: 2017-06-22
Image Number: 159391
Caption: Hey, don't I know you? Are you serious? U.C. Berkeley, 1993 … Doesn't ring a bell. Picture me with dreds and a goatee. No bell. Flannel shirt and Doc Martens boots. No bell. Awesome thumb ring. No bell (Sigh) … picture me 50 lbs lither. Lemont! Buddy!
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-04 looks 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-04 Pub. Date: 2017-05-04
Image Number: 157548
Caption: I think you're just jealous, Clyde. Of what? Of me. Because I have a child. A little guy who looks up to me and loves me to death. A little guy I get to teach, and care for, and laugh and play with, and read stories to. A little guy I get to lead on a journey. Deep down, you wish you had what I have, Clyde. Admit it. I'll say it once mo' again: I ain't babysittin' for you tonight.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-27 looks 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-27 Pub. Date: 2017-02-27
Image Number: 155066
Caption: Seriously? They never gonna cast a brotha as the next James Bond. I don't see why not. All the actors have been different. Blond, brunette, blue-eyed, brown-eyed, Scottish, Irish, English, Australian … White, white, white, white, white, white, white, white be all I heard.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-15 looks 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-15 Pub. Date: 2017-01-15
Image Number: 152908
Caption: Hello, you've reached Bung Lee Plumbing. This is Bung. How may I hinder you? Hi Bung. I just got an invoice from you guys for $125 plus a $75 late fee for some work you did in my apartment. But I already tried to pay that bill, two months ago. You guys sent me an invoice that asked me to pay by phone. So I called and gave someone named "Ryan" my Massacard info. He said he'd send me a receipt, but he never did. I just checked with Massacard, and it looks like you guys never ran my card. I'd be happy to give the $125 we agreed upon, but I'm not paying you any late fee. It's not my fault Ryan didn't charge me. Do you have any proof you called and spoke with Ryan? Let me ask you a question: Would this be the first time Ryan screwed up around there? Ok. I'll waive the late fee.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-10 looks 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-10 Pub. Date: 2016-12-10
Image Number: 151818
Caption: Four years ago … I've been coming here for years now, and I have yet to be matched up with the perfect woman. My needs aren't too crazy: I want a woman who's into politics, Star Trek, comics, Aboriginal art, and long walks on the beach. And I want her to be brilliant. Prayers aren't supposed to be specific. I'm not saying she also has to be hot, but I wouldn't object to that.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-08-26 looks 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-08-26 Pub. Date: 2016-08-26
Image Number: 147666
Caption: You've really never had a dream, Clyde? Never, dawg. I always thought if I met an Atlantean, he'd look more like Aquaman. Get it? The ancient Greek historian Herodotus wrote about Atlantean refugees who lived on Mount Atlas. They apparently never dreamt. Unlike you, they were vegetarians. Maybe that's why you didn't get it. You need to work on your inside jokes, bruh.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-29 looks 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-29 Pub. Date: 2016-06-29
Image Number: 145230
Caption: What do you see when you look at that cloud, Susan? I see and old-school Cadillac. Looks like it has a flat. Two flats. And that other cloud looks like it's repossessing it. There's a cloud that looks like a doctor performing a colonoscopy. Maybe we're too old for this game. That cloud looks like a man being audited.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-05-25 looks 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-05-25 Pub. Date: 2016-05-25
Image Number: 143639
Caption: I just watched all the trailers for Fox's new primetime shows. "Making History," "Shots Fired," "Prison Break," "The Exorcist," "Son of Zorn," "Star," "APB" Some of it looks so good, so unique, so cinematic, so amazing! I already love it all! Isn't that a good thing, Lemont? No! That means it'll all get canceled.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-04-29 looks 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-04-29 Pub. Date: 2016-04-29
Image Number: 142413
Caption: I'm proud of you, Lemont. You're a good dad. I am? You must be. We used to spend hours together. Now I only get to see you about ten minutes a day. And when I do see you, you look horrible. It's like you save all your clothing-and-soap money for your boy. ... Thanks? (This cartoon was originally published on 2014-04-05).
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-04-02 looks 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-04-02 Pub. Date: 2016-04-02
Image Number: 141138
Caption: Lemont? If you could wish for just one thing and it'd come true, what would it be? And don't say "an unlimited number of wishes." Thats cheating. I'd wish for an unlimited number of wishes. How about you? I'd wish that men actually listened. It looks good on you. (This cartoon was originally published on 2013-11-09).
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-03-20 looks 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-03-20 Pub. Date: 2016-03-20
Image Number: 140250
Caption: President Trump's State of the Union Address: My fellow Americans, the state of the union is unbelievable. It's yuge! They said it would be small, it's yuge, believe me. One guy down here isn't applauding, and the cameras probably showed him. They didn't show the tons of people who clapped, they probably showed this one incompetent loser down here. Anyway ... They keep talking about this $500 billion deficit with China. They're winning and crying, boo-hoo, boo-hoo, like a bunch of weak little babies. Well this deficit is going away. You wanna know why? Because it's not gonna happen. We'll talk about that later. But first, we have to talk about this lightweight senator in the third row. Look at him. He's a nervous basket case. He looks like a weak little clown. And we're about to knock out ISIS, you know how? Like Truman. Patton. I'm going to pick up the phone, and forget about it, they're gone. Hey, loser, wake up. You're supposed to clap for that. What a clown. Click.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-02-20 looks 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-02-20 Pub. Date: 2016-02-20
Image Number: 139239
Caption: You look happy, Lemont. I am happy! Because I just had an epiphany! The reason I keep choosing the wrong women, the wrong job, the wrong friends, the wrong toilet paper it's because I just don't believe I deserve to be happy! Finding out I can't stand to be happy makes me very happy. Which ... makes me miserable.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-01-01 looks 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-01-01 Pub. Date: 2016-01-01
Image Number: 137117
Caption: Oh, you got a big date tonight? Glad you came in. I could do somethin' for you. I could tell you ain't no haircut in the world gonna make a woman like you. If she like you, she like you. In fact, only thing a woman like more than a man who's all put together is a man she can put together. I don't think we like the same type of woman. Women like a scar, too. I could give you one. That'd be extra.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-12-26 looks 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-12-26 Pub. Date: 2015-12-26
Image Number: 136833
Caption: What do you see up there, Susan? I see a drone looking into somebody's 30th-floor bedroom window. That's awfully specific. Usually you just see a dinosaur. Or a car Oh. Stupid 21st century.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-10-06 looks 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-10-06 Pub. Date: 2015-10-06
Image Number: 133459
Caption: I met someone in Vancouver, Susan. She's a writer, just like me. After my speech, she approached me to say hello, and I froze. She had this burning intelligence in her eyes. And she was gorgeous. The next day, we went out. One thing led to another, and we ended up getting arrested. Wait ... back up a little ...She had this burning intel ... too far.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-09-27 looks 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-09-27 Pub. Date: 2015-09-27
Image Number: 132520
Caption: When someone says "Black Lives Matter," I respond by saying "All Lives Matter." Because I don't see color. But if you "don't see color," you can't see that young black men are far more likely to be shot unnecessarily by police than men of any other color. And you can't solve a problem if you can't even see it exists. It felt food to stand up for equality. So I didn't stop there. What do you mean? OWS protester love of red velvet cake. Daily Nut Job. Obama wet bed as child, covered it up. Goodnight Grandpa. I came across a "breast cancer survivor" meeting at the rec center. I poked my head in and shouted "All Cancer is Bad." By the looks on their faces, I could tell some of them realized they'd been totally horrible for acting like their cancer was so much more important than other cancers. Also confesses to having red "Little Red Riding Hood." Exoneration. I came across a funeral this morning, and after the eulogy I reminded the family that all people die, and that it's wrong of them to act like this one was more special than the rest of us. Has aversion to pepper spray. Why?
     
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