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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2020-01-19 live 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2020-01-19 Pub. Date: 2020-01-19
Image Number: 181257
Caption: My 3-year-old asked me how many dimensions we live in. Can you believe that, Clyde? Believe what? What I just said. You wasn't listening neither? Of course I was. I don't know, bruh. If I been listening to somethin', I don't need to ask people 'bout it later. No, What I just said was an answer. I don't know. What did you just say was an answer? That's ... sigh ... Let me start over. My little boy asked if we live in three dimensions. I said We live in three special dimensions, but there's a fourth dimension we live in called time. The fourth dimension called time what? They don't get along? At what point in the fourth dimension did you decide to just mess with me?
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2020-01-16 live 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2020-01-16 Pub. Date: 2020-01-16
Image Number: 181261
Caption: I'm going to go to Iran, Clyde. What for, bruh? Weren't you listening? I've been invited to give a speech about the dangers journalists face. Do you have any idea how many journalists I know who've lost their lives in the line of duty? How could I say no? I feel you. Don't worry, somethin' happens to you, I'll raise your little boy to be a good accompli -- a good man. I'm not going to Iran, Clyde.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2020-01-08 live 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2020-01-08 Pub. Date: 2020-01-08
Image Number: 181114
Caption: What's wrong, Lemont? I just learned that our galaxy has not arms. Scientists discovered the Milky Way's spiral arms are not physical structures after all. They're magnetic density fields. Stars and matter don't live in any particular arm. Instead they move into and out of these dense fields all the time. Were you going to say this is like being homeless? Because that would be very insensitive. I was ... not. I was not.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-12-19 live 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-12-19 Pub. Date: 2019-12-19
Image Number: 180858
Caption: I asked Momma why she has Hazel Scott's piano in her basement. What'd she say? She said back in the 1930s, my Grandma played in an all-women's band with Hazel Scott in New York. She wouldn't tell me how she got the piano, but she said it involved a poker game, a bottle of scotch and Eleanor Roosevelt. You ever get the impression the older folks had more interesting lives than we do? They had no Twitter, so they had to go do stuff.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-12-12 live 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-12-12 Pub. Date: 2019-12-12
Image Number: 180768
Caption: 1982. What do you want to be when you grow up, Lemont? I want to be a factory worker. Then I could wear overalls and join a union and live in a big house in a small town and win the heart of a pretty girl. Papa says I'm a pretty girl. Yeah, but your dad's not rich and snobby and he'd probably approve of me. Life doesn't have to be like the movies. I just think it'd be cool to be the boy from the wrong side of the tracks to someone.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-11-25 live 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-11-25 Pub. Date: 2019-11-25
Image Number: 180571
Caption: I can't stand it when black people whine about so-called racism. We live in a country where hundreds of thousands of white people died in a civil war to end slavery. How could people still think racism is a big part of this country in light of that history? Well, first of all ... didn't 260,000 of those Americans die trying to keep slavery? Ancient history. Has nothing to do with anything.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-11-22 live 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-11-22 Pub. Date: 2019-11-22
Image Number: 180468
Caption: Will work for $$$. Will carry on your social media feuds while you live your life, for $$$.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-29 live 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-29 Pub. Date: 2019-09-29
Image Number: 179616
Caption: I'm tired of working, Randy. One of my ancestors put it best. It was the early days of the Roman Republic. Randius Taylorus Maximus was a soldier in the Roman phalanx. That bored him to death. All the clumsy formations, all the cumbersome gear, all the losing ... so he deserted and joined up with the Spartans. That's where he stopped working for a living, and got to do what he loved. He got to oil up and go into battle half-naked, with nothing but his shield, his sword and his loincloth. Years later, he adventured across the world on the back of Tito, the last living woolly mammoth. That's when he met Buddha, who took credit for Randius' motto: Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. I just meant I felt like taking a nap.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-28 live 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-28 Pub. Date: 2019-09-28
Image Number: 179622
Caption: I don't want to be that guy, but … But what? Well … you notice anything about all the old tv shows they're bringing back? The Fugitive, Battlestar Gallactica, Punky Brewster, 90210 … How come nobody's talking about bringing back 227 … A Different World ... Living Single ... Family Matters ... Moesha ... Stop trying to change the subject and admit you lost that argument we had two weeks ago. Never mind. I have no problem being that guy.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-25 live 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-25 Pub. Date: 2019-09-25
Image Number: 179619
Caption: Clyde, how would you feel about composing music for commercials? What? Well, our in-house composer just perished in a freak Beluga whale accident, so … we're hiring. Who we is? You've known me since we were six … you don't … you don't even care what I do for a living, do you? Since when do not havin' no interest in somethin' mean a person don't care?
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-01 live 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-01 Pub. Date: 2019-09-01
Image Number: 179190
Caption: I want you to work on something when you get home, minion. I'm supposed to be able to rest once I've gone home. I've always wanted to have a trademark one-liner, like the heroes of all those old action movies. Like in Cobra. Sylvester Stallone was a rogue cop who told a criminal You're the disease, and I'm the cure. Or like in Total Recall, when Arnold Schwarzenegger's wife turned out to be an evil killer. He eliminated her and then said Consider that a divorce. Or like in They live, when just before he killed a bunch of evil aliens, Rowdy Roddy Piper said "I have come here to chew bubblegum, and kick (butt) ... and I'm al out of bubblegum. Your task tonight is to generate six one-liners I can use whenever I squeeze unpaid work out of my employees. I'm supposed to be able to rest once I've gone home. You're the rest, and I'm the bed. The kind with spikes on it ... See? That's awful. Fix that up and give me sixe more.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-06 live 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-06 Pub. Date: 2019-08-06
Image Number: 178907
Caption: ICE and border patrol are really detaining Americans? Even American children. Back in March, they detained nin-year-old Julia Medina for 36 hours and interrogated her without her parents. She's an American who lives in Tijuana, and she had her passport. They tried to get her 14-year-old brother to say she was his cousin. What? Why? I asked them then they asked me for my passport. So I panicked and jumped into a passing freight train ... But I'll make a follow-up call tomorrow.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-23 live 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-23 Pub. Date: 2019-07-23
Image Number: 178670
Caption: What are you so happy about, Lemont? Well, this morning Lionel and I had breakfast at Pancake-ville. When it came time to calculate a tip, I asked my phone What's 22% of $22.22? and my phone told me. That's when it occurred to me, we're living in the future! We have electric cars, drones, instant knowledge at our fingertips ... It's the future I've dreamt of my entire life! (Sigh) ... you always did hate math. Only in the future can a man track down his old math teacher on Facebook and gloat.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-20 live 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-20 Pub. Date: 2019-07-20
Image Number: 178564
Caption: Sadie, how can I convince my husband that a vacation is worth paying for? Excellent question. In my day, vacations were an essential component of a successful marriage. I would get two weeks a year to don a bikini, sit on a tropical beach amidst coconuts and oiled-up cabana boys, and recharge my yelling voice. And he would stay home working and have two weeks to live in dread of my imminent return. It was a win-win situation, really. What were we talking about again? Um ... nothing. Thanks.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-18 live 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-18 Pub. Date: 2019-07-18
Image Number: 178562
Caption: Candorville.com says we discovered tons of microbes living deep inside the earth. You know what this means? Scientists are pretty sure both Venus and Mars were habitable a long time ago. If microbes ever existed on either planet, then it's almost guaranteed they're still alive there, deep inside the earth ... I mean, deep inside the Venus. And the Mars. Hey, if we get to call dirt by our planet's name, so do those alien microbes ... and so the advocacy begins. That's your earthier privilege talking.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-16 live 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-16 Pub. Date: 2019-07-16
Image Number: 178560
Caption: In just one handful of soil, there are about 50 million bacteria. Oh wow. There's a biomass of billions of tons of microbes living 600 meters underground. Do you have any idea what this means, Susan? It means there's more bacteria deep inside the earth than animals on the surface of it. But on the other hand, it's all gross, so we still come out ahead. Don't get the biomass angry, Lemont.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-15 live 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-15 Pub. Date: 2019-07-15
Image Number: 178559
Caption: Scientists recently discovered billions of tons of bacteria and microbes living hundreds of meters inside earth. You're not going to tell some joke about this being a groundbreaking discovery, are you? Of … course … I'm not. Good. That would be beneath me. Dios mio.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-14 live 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-14 Pub. Date: 2019-07-14
Image Number: 178556
Caption: According to Elon Musk, time travel is possible. I can't wait to time-travel. Elon Musk said time travel is possible? Well, not in so many words. He said it's almost a certainty that we're living in a simulation being run by our descendants in the distant future. His reasoning makes sense. In just my lifetime, we went from "Pac-Man" to "The Sims," where Sims live, work, fall in love, have kids ... and in a few decades, the Sims will be artificially intelligent and they'll actually believe they're experiencing all that. If we're artificially intelligent Sims, then anything is possible. What time travel to be possible? Just wait for the Great Programmer to install the "time travel" expansion pack. Want to live forever? Get him to install the "immortality" expansion pack. According to Elon Musk, I'm one expansion pack away from being a billionaire playboy. Nothing doing. the Great Programmer exhausted all his "miracle" expansion packs 2,000 years ago. But he's still got some "delusion" expansions. (This cartoon was originally published on 2016-07-10).
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-05-09 live 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-05-09 Pub. Date: 2019-05-09
Image Number: 177531
Caption: Do you understand now why I never want to have kids, Lemont? You hate kids. No, I love them. And I don't want them living in a world where they have to be taught what to do in case of an active shooter. It's not the world, Susan. It's America. You could move to lots of places where school shootings don't happen. Well ... can I move to someplace that won't be affected by climate change? It's ok to admit you just don't like kids.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-04-25 live 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-04-25 Pub. Date: 2019-04-25
Image Number: 177326
Caption: What're you doing? Just setting up. Dr. Noodle. I've livecasting a reaction video to my therapy. It's streaming on Facebook Live and Youtube right now. Well? What're you waiting for? I think I can dispense with asking Why have you come to therapy. Make sure you skip all the boring questions, I don't want to lose viewers.
     
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