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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-16 line 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-16 Pub. Date: 2017-10-16
Image Number: 163902
Caption: Do you have any idea how many mass shootings we've had in America this year? In just the first 75 days of the year, we had 273 mass shootings. That's almost one per day. There are more mass shootings than there are days in the baseball season. You know what that means, don't you? It mean mass shootings is America new national pastime. Stop stealing my lines.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-09 line 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-09 Pub. Date: 2017-07-09
Image Number: 159502
Caption: It's hard to debunk the whole "fake news" thing when so-called "journalists" keep lying, or keep not correcting their "mistakes" take Joy-Ann Reid, for instance. Who she? She has a show on MSNBC. The other week, after that former Bernie-supporter shot at those congressmen ... somebody tweeted "too soon to mention Bernie owes his entire political career to the NRA? Particularly his support of assault rifles his R opponent decried?" "Journalist" Joy-Ann Reid retweeted that, adding "I hope we have the maturity as a country to confront facts like this at the same time we're thinking of victims and keeping level heads." But it wasn't a fact. Sanders opposed assault rifles. The NRA backed him in that one race to punish the Republican who'd just changed his position on assault rifles. A Vermont gun store owner said at the time, "At least [Bernie's] consistent" with his opposition to semi-automatic rifles. A simple Google search would've told her that, apparently Joy-Ann Reid doesn't even Joy-Ann read. This whole thing was so you could say that joke, wasn't it.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-27 line 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-27 Pub. Date: 2017-06-27
Image Number: 159709
Caption: That's a shame. What's a shame? Did I do something wrong, officer? TSA. Yes, you did. You let your boyfriend turn you down. So what if he's 15,000 miles away in Russia? If I were your man, I'd never let that stop me. I would fly to the ends of the earth for you. This routing ever work for you? Good lord this routine must work for you.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-19 line 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-19 Pub. Date: 2017-05-19
Image Number: 158080
Caption: Tyrone, do you recall the days when we panhandled outside the theater? Of course, Rosencrantz. I remember them vividly. They were performing "King Lear," the Shakespeare play about the angry, vain old king who slowly descended into madness. He carved up the kingdom and gifted it to his children. He gave the largest piece to the daughter who flattered him the most. What happened at the end of the play? I don't know. Why do you ask? Spare change?
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-12 line 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-12 Pub. Date: 2017-03-12
Image Number: 154859
Caption: What's wrong, Lemont? I think I'm done watching "The Flash." You know, the superhero who can run faster than a bullet. I just saw the episode where he has to fight someone who could teleport. But she could only teleport if she could see where she was going. After the Flash figured that out, he did all these things to limit her field of vision. He ran all around knocking out street lights, for instance. He did all sorts of things to make sure she couldn't see. All sorts of things ... except putting a bag over the villain's head. Well that would've been a pretty short episode. I'd rather have five minutes of brilliance than 45 minutes of not putting a bag over the villain's head.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-03 line 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-03 Pub. Date: 2017-02-03
Image Number: 153975
Caption: Life is a play, but all the actors are too busy trying to remember their lines to watch it. I said you didn't have to remind me! It was on the tip of my tongue.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-31 line 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-31 Pub. Date: 2017-01-31
Image Number: 153972
Caption: I interviewed President Trump the other day. I think he really believes he only lost the popular vote because there were up to 5 million illegal votes … even though there's zero evidence of that. It didn't make sense 'til yesterday. Remember that line from the Seinfeld rerun we saw last night? "A lie is not a lie if you believe it." America elected George Costanza president.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-18 line 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-18 Pub. Date: 2016-12-18
Image Number: 151614
Caption: I wish I could fly, Big L. I know what you mean. Ever since I donned my first pair of underoos, I wanted to fly too. But the older I get, the more I realize it's not all it's cracked up to be. First of all, there's all the stuff in the air you'd crash into: birds, helicopters, jets, drones, power lines ... Then there are all the idiots who'd take a shot at you. And if you flew high enough to avoid all that, you'd freeze your nuggets off. Flying's one of those powers you think would be cool, but really wouldn't be. Like invisibility. I don't know what you talkin' about, bruh. I just meant I'm on the no-fly list. If you were an invisible hero, people would still see your clothes. You'd have to fight crime naked.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-17 line 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-17 Pub. Date: 2016-10-17
Image Number: 149904
Caption: Hi Vancouver. Hi Candorville. Are you here?? I'm looking out my window, I don't see you. No, I'm still at your airport. Waiting to go through customs. What? You landed twelve hours ago. I got in the wrong line. I was in the line for Americans seeking refugee status on account of Trump. Asylum seekers. Tourists.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-13 line 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-13 Pub. Date: 2016-10-13
Image Number: 149612
Caption: I kicked myself for not asking Vancouver for her number … but there was still one more day of the convention. So the next morning, I strolled around the hotel, and then around the block, hoping I'd run into her. My Fitbit told me I ended up strolling for eleven miles that morning. There's a thin line between love and stalking. Turns out she'd slept in.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-02 line 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-02 Pub. Date: 2016-09-02
Image Number: 147923
Caption: I wrote a very realistic screenplay that subverts all the usual Hollywood clichés. We don't see the protagonist in a moody bar when he feels down; we spend an hour watching him fall asleep all along in front of his tv … and when he tries to stop a wedding, it takes him half an hour to find a good parking spot, and he misses the whole thing. We watch him circle the block for a half an hour. Clichés are clichés for a reason.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-08-31 line 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-08-31 Pub. Date: 2016-08-31
Image Number: 147921
Caption: Not everything is about race, Clyde. You tryin' to tell me Hollywood don't have a "magical Negro" problem? You ain't noticed all the movies where a black character come outta nowhere an' has no purpose at all other than to teach white people how to solve problems? Yeah, but that's not racial. There are plenty of characters of all races who have no purpose other than to teach people lessons. And let's not forget Yoda. Confusing the issue, you are.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-08-30 line 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-08-30 Pub. Date: 2016-08-30
Image Number: 147920
Caption: That trailer for Eddie Murphy's "Mr. Church" don't look like nothin' but "Driving Miss Daisy Part 2." It look like it literally a film about a brotha who spend decades serving white people an' tryin' to be part of they family instead of makin' his own. I was willin' to look the other way when he was talkin' to animals, and when a tree made him shut up for a whole movie, an' when he played a donkey. But when he play a black man who want nothin' outta life but to cook grits for two white women, I draw the line. It's a true story!!! That makes it ok.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-08-29 line 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-08-29 Pub. Date: 2016-08-29
Image Number: 147919
Caption: Clyde, have you seen the trailer for that new Eddie Murphy movie? Yes, "Magical Negro." I seen it. It's not called "Magical Negro." You mean it ain't about a black character whose only purpose is to use his special insight to aid white characters? It's a true story. So that's different. And it's called "Mr. Church." C-Dog call a movie what it should be called. Wanna go see "Mr. Church" with me? I'd rather go see "Watch Margot Robbie in Hot Pants for Two Hours" again.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-08-12 line 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-08-12 Pub. Date: 2016-08-12
Image Number: 147069
Caption: What's wrong, Lemont? I decided to show my son the same cartoons I saw as a kid. So I Youtubed "Casper the Friendly Ghost." He liked it, but all I could think about was "Hey … that's a dead kid who's not allowed to go to heaven … He's condemned to roam the earth forever, trying in vain to make friends. And every time he fails, he tries to off himself." So those stories were fine for you but not for your kid? So then we watched the Smurfs, and I was like, "This is a caste system!"
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-07-27 line 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-07-27 Pub. Date: 2016-07-27
Image Number: 146472
Caption: Lionel was reading "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost. "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." You know everyone on earth takes that line out of context? Frost is actually expressing regret there. He's torn about it. Just like everyone else, Lionel wrongly though Frost was expressing pride. Nobody ever pays attention to the context of anything anymore. Wait ... your two-year-old is reading Robert Frost?
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-17 line 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-17 Pub. Date: 2016-06-17
Image Number: 144566
Caption: In the wake of what even Republicans have called blatantly racist comments, Donald Trump's campaign may be about to unrave … Click. Experts predict robots will take half of earth's jobs within 30 years. When we tried to reach those experts for comment, their phone lines all went dead. Click. It appears the newly discovered ninth planet is responsible for the comet showers that cause mass extinctions on earth every 26 million years. And we're due for another one right. Click. Gilligaaaaan, the Skipper tooooo ... the millionaaaaire ... and his wiiiiiiiife ...
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-04-12 line 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-04-12 Pub. Date: 2016-04-12
Image Number: 141797
Caption: Can I share your fries, Clyde? Oh, so now you wanna share. Where was you when I wanted to share your cable tv line? … or your wi-fi? Or your Netflix password? Or your social security number? You somehow got all that anyway. I got that on my own, Big L. That's the problem with American today: Erebody want erething just handed to them.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-04-11 line 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-04-11 Pub. Date: 2016-04-11
Image Number: 141796
Caption: Whachoo gone an' canceled cable for, bruh? It's too expensive and I didn't watch most of the channels. I can see all my favorite shows on Netflix and Hulu for a fraction of the cost. That's selfish. Think of the ramifications. Think of the cable workers who gonna lose they job if erebody cut cable. Wait ... how did you know I canceled cable? (A) I don't know what you implying, an' (2) I don't even know how to tap somebody line to secretly share they cable.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-03-25 line 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-03-25 Pub. Date: 2016-03-25
Image Number: 140812
Caption: Harrison Ford gonna play Indiana Jones again. He gonna be 77 years old. That mean the movie gonna have to be set in the 1980s. They already done found everything by the eighties. What there was for an archaeologist to do in the eighties? I'll tell you what: In 1984, archaeologists found a sunk slave ship called the "Whydah Gally." The '80s story I'm picturin' got it all: jheri curls, leg warmers, an' 200 ticked off slave ghosts bent on revenge. That's ... wait, I'd watch the heck out of that.
     
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