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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-19 like 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-19 Pub. Date: 2018-01-19
Image Number: 167359
Caption: Oh, you got a big date tonight? Glad you came in. I could do somethin' for you. I could tell you ain't no haircut in the world gonna make a woman like you. If she like you, she like you. In fact, only thing a woman like more than a man who's all put together is a man she can put together. I don't think we like the same type of woman. Women like a scar, too. I could give you one. That'd be extra. (Originally published on 2016-01-01).
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-13 like 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-13 Pub. Date: 2018-01-13
Image Number: 167094
Caption: I had a dream. I dreamt that in 2020, "The Rock" runs for president as an independent. The Republicans nominate Trump again. Democrats are so overconfident that they nominate the corpse of Woodrow Wilson. And while we're all distracted, Congress quietly eliminates elections altogether and they appoint an immortal A.I. as the chairman and CEO of the American Corporate Empire, LLC. I think I like Martin Luther King's "I have a dream" speech better. I'd tell you the rest, but you might as well just watch "The Matrix."
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-11 like 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-11 Pub. Date: 2018-01-11
Image Number: 167092
Caption: I'm a big fan of minimalism. Less is more. For instance, last night … I was watching "Grace's Review" on YouTube. She went off on the movie "The Post," implying it didn't tell the whole story about the "Pentagon Papers" incident. I replied "you are part of the problem. Don't just imply there was another side to the story, say what that other side was! Otherwise you're basically just shouting "fake news!" Like any other partisan hack!" Then I deleted that and just wrote "you." ... I think I still got my point across.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-09 like 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-09 Pub. Date: 2018-01-09
Image Number: 167090
Caption: … So then I told him "You've begged me to untie you no less than fifteen times already. I'm sick of it." Pardon me. Couldn't help but overhear. It's actually "fewer," not "less." "Fewer" is for things you count. "Less" is for things you don't count. How'd you like to have fewer days ahead of you? Yes, yes. Much better.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-06 like 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-06 Pub. Date: 2018-01-06
Image Number: 166784
Caption: 1982. Do you believe in life after death, Susan? Of course. Me too. It's the first law of thermal dynamics. Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, it can only transmogrify into something else … like a sea anemone. I've decided I'll be a sea anemone. Not a care in the world, it's be a welcome interlude between this life and my next one where I'm a Jedi. I don't know if you get to choose what happens to your energy, Lemont. No offense, but I think Obi-Wan and Yoda know more about that than you do.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-05 like 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-05 Pub. Date: 2018-01-05
Image Number: 166783
Caption: What do thou mean, "Nah, bruh, I'ma hafta pass"? I have chosen thee to deliver my New Commandments! Who you is really, dawg? Landlord hired you, ain't he? He tryna run me outta here 'cause it's rent-controlled. I don't know anything about that, my child. I have chosen thee for reasons known only to Me. If thou reject your Lord, thou will pay a price. Tell Mr. Tran he'll get he'll get his $250 a month like always. That's no what I'm -- (sigh) oh never mind.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-02 like 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-02 Pub. Date: 2018-01-02
Image Number: 166780
Caption: What's wrong, Lemont? Absolutely nothing, Susan. It's not like I just published my 14th novel, sold over 5,000 signed copies during the first weekend … and realized not a single one of those copies was bought by my best friend. Awww … I'm still your best friend? That's not the point!
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-29 like 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-29 Pub. Date: 2017-12-29
Image Number: 166537
Caption: You do it all the time, bruh. You convinced yourself you loved Justice League an' Batman v Superman. You convinced y'self you like Ghostbusters 2. You convinced y'self you liked From Justice to Kelly … From Justin to Kelly was criminally underrated. I ain't never seen no one so unwilling to admit he got bad taste. As musical romantic comedies starring American Idol competitors go, it was by far the best.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-28 like 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-28 Pub. Date: 2017-12-28
Image Number: 166536
Caption: I saw that review of The Last Jedi you posted, Big L. You need to cut that out. You said it made you feel like a kid again. You said Luke Skywalker was amazing. You said it was the bet thing since Empire. Then I saw the movie. That spit was the worst thing since Phantom Menace. Your Jedi mind tricks ain't gonna change that. A positive review isn't a Jedi mind trick just 'cause you disagree with it. Your headline was this is the Star Wars you're looking for.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-27 like 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-27 Pub. Date: 2017-12-27
Image Number: 166535
Caption: There was another police shooting caught on video. An unarmed guy in a hallway begging for his life. The cops were barking orders at him for minutes. The guy looked so scared and confused. I heard 'bout that. I went online an' some of the people be like "Why he didn't follow directions right? I'da shot him too." This the only country where people say you deserve to get shot 'cause you was confused. I asked "Why didn't they taze him" and people said I was "virtue-signaling."
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-25 like 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-25 Pub. Date: 2017-12-25
Image Number: 166533
Caption: Merry Christmas … Yeah, I said it. Put that in your secularist pipe and smoke it. #LOL! #Youlose. Bet that really gets you upset, doesn't it? Not really. I love Christmas. I'm having a Christmas party tonight. My little boy's going to be an elf. I'm going to be Rudolph the Reindeer. Yeah, right. Like I believe that ... Would you like to come? Yes ... I mean, someone has to prove your "party" is a ruse!
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-23 like 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-23 Pub. Date: 2017-12-23
Image Number: 166288
Caption: Nice day out, isn't it? No. No? But the sun is shining. A warm breeze is gently carrying the scent of sunflowers and baking bread through the air. The sparrows are chirping. What do you mean, no? I mean no as in don't bother me widdat @#%$. You grown, bruh. You should be able to tell if this a nice day on your own. If you don't like small talk, just say so!
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-22 like 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-22 Pub. Date: 2017-12-22
Image Number: 166287
Caption: Doc, I've been coming here for years. I feel pretty happy. I'm thinking maybe I don't need therapy anymore. That makes perfect sense. It's like when you look in the mirror and see you've finally got bright, shiny teeth. There must be no need to keep brushing them if they're no longer decrepit and begrimed. Brains and teeth are two completely different things. Really? Let's chew on that thought for a moment ...
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-18 like 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-18 Pub. Date: 2017-12-18
Image Number: 166283
Caption: What's your IQ, Clyde? Why you wanna know, Big L? If I say my IQ 108, you gonna think what I have to say ain't worth spit? An' if I say my IQ be 152 … what then, you gonna suddenly imbue erethang I say wit' fifteen layers of meaning, an' question what you always thought was out dynamic? I think I'd like to do with the 108. Good call, Big L.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-10 like 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-10 Pub. Date: 2017-12-10
Image Number: 165352
Caption: I've been racking my brain trying to think of every interaction I've ever had with a woman. Dr. Noodle. I mean, when I was in my twenties, I did what guys in their twenties often did: I hit on women. Lots of them. We used to think that if a lady wasn’t interested, we just weren't trying hard enough. There were books about how to be more clever. How to be a pickup artist. There were times at the club when I was dancing with a lady, thought I had a shot, and went in for a kiss. Sometimes they didn't even know they were into me until I kissed them. But then they kissed back. Other times, they pushed me off and that was that ... or so I thought. Now, at any moment, some random woman could come forward and ruin my life. Well, lets start by acknowledging it's a healthy thing for society that men are learning what it's like to live in fear, for a change. Doesn't feel healthy.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-06 like 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-06 Pub. Date: 2017-12-06
Image Number: 165705
Caption: Of course they gon' kill net neutrality, Big L. So what we won't be able to visit any site we want to online anymore. Nothin' good last forever, bruh. It's like that old Doctor Zeus book said … Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. I don't think Doctor Seuss meant we should apply that to our freedom. Freedom just an illusion, bruh, like parking tickets.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-04 like 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-04 Pub. Date: 2017-12-04
Image Number: 165703
Caption: Trump's FCC is about to kill "net neutrality." That means internet service providers can slow down or even block sites they don't want customers to see. Take Concast Cable, for instance. They could put Netflix, Hulu and Amazon on a separate "premium tier." They could slow sites like mind down so much no one will bother reading them. I still don't understand why you posted an article about how great Concast's logo is. It's to make up for that time I wrote a 48-part expose of their horrible business practices. Dios mio.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-02 like 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-02 Pub. Date: 2017-12-02
Image Number: 165422
Caption: There's a lot of bad news. It's making me a little depressed. C-Dogs Incredibly Bad Advice $2. That one easy, bruh. Ere'time you hear news you don't like, call it "fake." They say someone you like did wrong? Must be fake. They say your car cause pollution? Must be fake. They say you got cancer. Fake fake fake. The ancient Buddhists say reality all in our heads, or some spit like that there. I'll give it a try.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-01 like 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-01 Pub. Date: 2017-12-01
Image Number: 165421
Caption: We're all the same. I don't know what you mean, bruh. I've been thinking about the "one electron theory." All electrons are identical. The best explanation for that is they're all the same exact electron. This single electron travels back and forth through time over and over again, forming everything that exists. The theory's been around for decades. Sometimes scientists think it's valid, other times they think it's nonsense. It goes back and forth ... just like the electron. If this all the case, you giving me $3 would be the same as you keeping your $2.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-29 like 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-29 Pub. Date: 2017-11-29
Image Number: 165419
Caption: I did a quick Google search. You've got nothing to worry about, Susan. It doesn't have to be dementia. You mom's memory loss could be caused by anything. Lack of sleep … medicines … underactive thyroid … stress and anxiety … depression … alcohol … you know your mom likes her brandy ... Not that I'm saying your mom might be an alcoholic ... although if you find a bunch of bottles hidden under her bed, it might comfort you ... or not ... I'm going to stop talking now.
     
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