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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-17 life 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-17 Pub. Date: 2019-09-17
Image Number: 179499
Caption: Sir, I demand you let me fire Dick Fink. He's condescending, slovenly, forgetful, always late, and I'm fairly sure he's made two attempts on my life. You have to learn to tolerate people who are different from you, Garcia. He's blackmailing you, isn't he. I've never even heard of Vegas and I deny everything.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-11 life 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-11 Pub. Date: 2019-09-11
Image Number: 179396
Caption: What're you so excited about, Clyde? I'll put it this way, Big L: Ain't you never got nothin' you didn't expect to be getting' … come to realize you been waitin' on it for half your life an' you didn't never even know it? Was pushing my buttons the whole point of all this? 'Course not, Big L. I just forgot you can't never stand double negatives.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-23 life 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-23 Pub. Date: 2019-07-23
Image Number: 178670
Caption: What are you so happy about, Lemont? Well, this morning Lionel and I had breakfast at Pancake-ville. When it came time to calculate a tip, I asked my phone What's 22% of $22.22? and my phone told me. That's when it occurred to me, we're living in the future! We have electric cars, drones, instant knowledge at our fingertips ... It's the future I've dreamt of my entire life! (Sigh) ... you always did hate math. Only in the future can a man track down his old math teacher on Facebook and gloat.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-14 life 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-14 Pub. Date: 2019-07-14
Image Number: 178556
Caption: According to Elon Musk, time travel is possible. I can't wait to time-travel. Elon Musk said time travel is possible? Well, not in so many words. He said it's almost a certainty that we're living in a simulation being run by our descendants in the distant future. His reasoning makes sense. In just my lifetime, we went from "Pac-Man" to "The Sims," where Sims live, work, fall in love, have kids ... and in a few decades, the Sims will be artificially intelligent and they'll actually believe they're experiencing all that. If we're artificially intelligent Sims, then anything is possible. What time travel to be possible? Just wait for the Great Programmer to install the "time travel" expansion pack. Want to live forever? Get him to install the "immortality" expansion pack. According to Elon Musk, I'm one expansion pack away from being a billionaire playboy. Nothing doing. the Great Programmer exhausted all his "miracle" expansion packs 2,000 years ago. But he's still got some "delusion" expansions. (This cartoon was originally published on 2016-07-10).
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-07 life 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-07 Pub. Date: 2019-07-07
Image Number: 178419
Caption: Do you think there's life after death, Clyde? 'Course there is, Big L. You know how much death there been? What do you mean? It's been calculated that in all the time people been here, 100.8 billion of them have died. But C-Dog still here, bruh. This isn't all about you, Clyde. Ask Socrates if this all about me ... Oh, you can't.'Cause he dead. An' I ain't. Good talk, Clyde.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-05-31 life 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-05-31 Pub. Date: 2019-05-31
Image Number: 177797
Caption: 1982. Mr. Barnhouse must've really liked my art project. He said I should dedicate my whole entire life to it. It's a snow globe. And inside the snow globe is a little boy named Tommy Westphall. And Tommy is holding a tiny snow globe of his own. And inside Tommy's snow globe is an entire universe filled with people who each secretly have their own snow globes. And so on. I'm not sure Lemont, you should be committed for life means what you think it means. Mr. Barnhouse backed away slowly when he said it. That's a sign of respect.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-05-27 life 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-05-27 Pub. Date: 2019-05-27
Image Number: 177788
Caption: How come all your social media say you at the National Writers Society annual convention right now? You was there last week. You here now, bruh. Isn't it obvious, Clyde? I don't want burglars to know when I'm not in town. That's just paranoid, Big L. Since when is it paranoid to always time-shift my life by one week? There wasn't -- I mean, there prolly wasn't nothin' in your apartment worth stealin' no way.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-05-02 life 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-05-02 Pub. Date: 2019-05-02
Image Number: 177386
Caption: 1982. You won Best Book Report in Mrs. Cass's class. I did what? I overheard her talking to Mr. Barnhouse about it. They're gonna give you a blue ribbon and a cupcake in class tomorrow. Wow. Oh wow! I've never won anything in my whole entire life before. This is awesome! This means everything! I thought you said awards didn't mean anything. That was when I hadn't won any.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-04-12 life 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-04-12 Pub. Date: 2019-04-12
Image Number: 177117
Caption: What you just say life is? A parade of air-bursting bolides. When an extremely bright meteor hurtles toward earth, it's a bolide. If it blows up when it enters our atmosphere instead of impacting the surface … that's an airburst. Every opportunity we miss. Every time we narrowly avoid death. Every time we didn't eat a burrito that had just gone bad ... You tellin' me that burrito I snuck from you was old? Some bolides explode elsewhere.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-28 life 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-28 Pub. Date: 2019-03-28
Image Number: 176942
Caption: Your article about the electoral college was riddled with inaccuracies. You mean my humor column? The electoral college not a for-profit, fake real estate training program started by James and Ivanka Madison to defraud people out of their life savings. It was a joke. And Hollywood actors and rich CEOs did not bribe people to get their spoiled kids into the electoral college. It was a joke. (Sigh) People always get extra-literal when their worldview is challenged. We're talking about my view of the electoral college, not of the world.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-26 life 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-26 Pub. Date: 2019-03-26
Image Number: 176940
Caption: Wanna know how I know Star Trek: Discovery is a big deal? How? There are conspiracy theorists on Youtube trying to debunk it. I've seen people debunk the JFK assassination. I've seen them debunk the moon landing. Never in my life have I seen people try to prove that an insidious cabal of tv executives is deceiving fans into thinking a tv show is actually set in the universe they say it's set in. Their hour-long video about how the uniforms are 25 percent different from Captain Kirk's almost lured me in. Dios mio.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-22 life 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-22 Pub. Date: 2019-03-22
Image Number: 176839
Caption: Boss, if you could be any animal on earth, which one would you be? I'm glad you asked, minion. I'd be a nocturnal, camouflaged Wobbegong at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. There I'd lie in wait, ever vigilant, ever hungry ... ever ready to devour any creature large or small unlucky enough to brush against my whiskers. I'm going to back away now. No, no ... don't back away, minion ... That's when the Wobbegong will get you.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-20 life 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-20 Pub. Date: 2019-03-20
Image Number: 176837
Caption: Sadie, I just heard they discovered seven earthlike planets around a single star. Three of those planets are in the habitable zone, so they might just support life. I am just so excited! I guess what I'm asking you is ... were you this excited when earth was first discovered? Almost as excited as when I first discovered vengeful retribution.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-09 life 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-09 Pub. Date: 2019-03-09
Image Number: 176629
Caption: I've been reporting on people for half my life, now, Clyde. You mean snitchin'. What're you talking about? It's totally different. You ain't tellin' on people? Only thing people hate more than the kid who steal a cookie is the tattletale that come runnin' an' smilin' to tell on him. What did you do? Don't change the subject.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-03 life 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-03 Pub. Date: 2019-03-03
Image Number: 176359
Caption: I'll take you back on one condition: No more cheating. Ok. Also, you'd better not even look at another woman. Ok. and you have to give me all your passwords so I can monitor all your social media accounts. Ok. And you have to go to counseling with me and admit how horrible a person you are. And you have to come home straight after work. And you have to get my permission to go anywhere else. And you can't talk to any females other than me or your mother. And you have to let me handle all your finances. And you have to keep quiet when my friends and family treat you like the trash you are for the rest of your life. I thought you said one condition. You life being over is one condition. Not to self: Never, ever, ever say take me back.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-02-06 life 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-02-06 Pub. Date: 2019-02-06
Image Number: 176172
Caption: What was life really like in the Middle Ages, Sadie? A lot like today. There were a tiny handful of filthy rich feudal lords, and a huge mass of poor peasants who were too ignorant to see what was going on. What? No, I didn't really want to learn anything, I was just calling you old. Let's try again ... How did the sky over your house look after that asteroid wiped out all the dinosaurs? It looked brown. A lot like today.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-02-03 life 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-02-03 Pub. Date: 2019-02-03
Image Number: 175839
Caption: I read your article where you bashed people who accuse Star Trek Discovery of being a Social Justice Warrior show. You wrote Star Trek has always been a show about social justice. The entire premise of the show was a ship full of people from all walks of life ... flying from planet to planet to enlighten bigots, fascists and all kinds of other (censored). But you're hopelessly biased. Of course you would want people to have a so-called open mind. Your grandmother was a call-girl. Don't bother denying it, I spent all night on Google figuring it out. She was a telephone operator ... That's what they called telephone operators. Your defensiveness means I'm right. That's science.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-01-19 life 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-01-19 Pub. Date: 2019-01-19
Image Number: 175845
Caption: I've never had so many people tell me to go !@#$ myself in my whole entire life, Susan. All I did was write an article called It's Time to Make Private Schools Illegal. You did what? The theory is, if the children of millionaires and billionaires had to go to public school, you can bet they'd make sure our public school systems were amazing. It's not a bad idea. Half the comments I got misspelled !@#$. So I wrote another article about how that proved my point.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-01-16 life 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-01-16 Pub. Date: 2019-01-16
Image Number: 175842
Caption: I read your article 'bout how it turned out the @#$% that shot that black girl was black, not white. I read the comments under it. It was almost nothin' but white people gleeful about it. They was so busy rubbing it in your face, they forgot they talkin' 'bout the murder of a precious little girl. I don't think I've ever heard you say gleeful before in my whole entire life ... or precious. @#$% ... Them bigots got me all turned 'round.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-01-07 life 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-01-07 Pub. Date: 2019-01-07
Image Number: 175736
Caption: What's the best way to ask my boss for a promotion? C-Dog's incredibly bad advice $2. You say you got other options, so she better hook you up right quick or you out the door. That's the same advice you gave me about asking women out. Here's the secret 'bout life: Every relationship be the same relationship.
     
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