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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-03 last 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-03 Pub. Date: 2017-10-03
Image Number: 163371
Caption: I wonder why people didn't seem to care as much about the devastation in Puerto Rico as they did about Houston. You serious, bruh? How old you is, six? Seven? Is you even potty trained yet? Or was you asleep the last two years when the country elected a white supremacist for president? It's not always about race. Sometimes it's just about laziness. Five. I think you five.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-27 last 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-27 Pub. Date: 2017-08-27
Image Number: 161361
Caption: Excuse me, sir, if it's not too much trouble … Hi, Democrats. What can I get you? Coffee Sandwiches? An explanation. We introduced our bold new plan last month: "A Better Deal," but the progressives still aren't impressed. What more could they ask for? We focus-group tested the heck out of the slogan. It was the least objectionable and least un-inspiring of the bunch! It evokes FDR's "New Deal" and LBJ's "Fair Deal" without over-promising. We don't want to risk over-promising. It even sounded progressive! We mentioned tax credits to retrains workers, a $15 minimum wage (eventually), regulating prescription drug prices, and busting monopolies, maybe. We even said we'd think about forming a committee to consider considering sing-payer health care, among many other more corporate-donor-friendly options that aren't single-payer. And we introduced it with an editorial vowing not to expand government or move our party in one direction or another along the political spectrum. Bold! So why didn't that fire up the progressive base? ... Hello?
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-26 last 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-26 Pub. Date: 2017-08-26
Image Number: 161805
Caption: I saw all them tweets you made this mornin' about how both sides need to come together … about how even though both sides have very different views of what our defining principles ought to be, we should respect each other. I was almost with you right till the last tweet, which don't make no sense, bruh. #startrekdiscovery fans + #oldschooltrek fans, stop the madness! is pretty self-explanatory, Clyde. What language is you even speaking?
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-08 last 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-08 Pub. Date: 2017-08-08
Image Number: 161292
Caption: Looks like the Affordable Care Act is here to stay. That's right … sucker. What? Everyone know the ACA was a Republican idea. We came up with it as an alternative to single-payer health care. We knew the only way to make the left embrace it was for the right to attack it. You hate us so much that if we attack it, you cling to it like it's your dear old momma. We even let it be "saved" at the last minute, just to seal your love affair with it. Yeah, right. Like this was all part of some "master plan." McCain hammed it up a little at the end, but it was a nice touch.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-30 last 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-30 Pub. Date: 2017-06-30
Image Number: 159712
Caption: Meanwhile, in Candorville … " … and the aria turned, smiled sweetly, and stepped off the cliff." The Last Book Store. Meet the author! Thank you, thank you so much. Any questions. I've got a question, miss. Lysurgus Cup. The Willow Chronicles. Clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap. Wow! Clap! Clap clap clap. How hungry are you? I knew a French place around the corner. Wanna get out of here? Yes. I mean NO. I mean, I'm working here. And I've got a man. Lemont. And I AM hungry though. And no! I'll be outside on the Harley.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-18 last 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-18 Pub. Date: 2017-05-18
Image Number: 158079
Caption: I had a weird dream last night. Some blond chick showed up, and then our earth crashed into another earth. Weird, no? That's funny. I dreamt that DC Comics' "Harbinger" showed up and warned me about some huge calamity. She's blond … and when she did that in the comics, all the parallel earths ended up collapsing into one. With my luck, I'll end up like Psycho Pirate at the end of "Crisis on Infinite Earths." ... You were supposed to laugh. Never go full-geek, Lemont.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-17 last 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-17 Pub. Date: 2017-05-17
Image Number: 158078
Caption: I had a dream last night, Clyde. Want to hear about it? Not sure. Last time you told me 'bout one of your dreams, it was some sci-fi nonsense 'bout you travelin' back in time to save Abraham Lincoln. This one wasn't about time travel, it was about how Trump keeps firing everyone who says they have info on his Russia scandal. Well ... ok. Go. A woman named Harbinger traveled through time and across the multiverse to collect a team of awesome journalists who could uncover the truth. Stop.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-12 last 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-12 Pub. Date: 2017-04-12
Image Number: 156720
Caption: Bruh, when the last time you been to the doctor? About a … year ago. Why … do you ask … Clyde? 'Cause you outta breath. I don't … know what you're … talking about. What's with all them pauses in your speech? They're just … dramatic … pauses. You ain't Captain Kirk. You need a hospital, bruh.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-09 last 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-09 Pub. Date: 2017-04-09
Image Number: 155971
Caption: Donald Trump is cutting all funding for NPR, the National Endowment for the Arts, PBS, the Institute of Museum and Library Services, and more. What? They goin' after Big Bird? What Big Bird do to him? I didn't know Trump was mad at 'im. I ain't seen no tweet about it or nothin'. Big Bird'll be fine. HBO owns Big Bird now. Say what? I don't know if I could watch Big Bird on HBO. Last thing I need to see is Big Bird naked, or Big Bird choppin' off people arms an' whatnot. That's not the point. The point is, he's stripping funding from the Smithsonian and other icons of our culture, but buying more bombs we don't need. I don't need to see Big Bird slingin' smack for the mafia. It's not always about Big Bird.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-28 last 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-28 Pub. Date: 2017-03-28
Image Number: 156198
Caption: I've been wanting to see "get out" for weeks, Susan. I remember before I had a kid, I was at the movies every week. Now I don't have the time of the energy. I can't remember the last movie I saw that didn't involve a talking fish or a puppet. Reason #28,754 why I'll never have kids. On the other hand, movies won't change your diapers when you're old.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-23 last 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-23 Pub. Date: 2017-03-23
Image Number: 155916
Caption: Whachoo gon' move to Canada for, bruh? So what you got some perfect girl up there. That ain't gonna last. Either she gonna get tired of you, or you gonna get tired of her. Or the magic gonna wear off an' you'll find out she ain't "perfect" noway. Only way to keep a perfect relationship perfect is to end it while it still be perfect. That's why your life full of failure, an' my life be full of perfection. Stop making nonsense seem like sense!
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-20 last 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-20 Pub. Date: 2017-03-20
Image Number: 155913
Caption: I got a panicky call from Lionel's mother last night. She wanted to see him right that moment. But I told her Lionel was fast asleep, partly 'cause her tone worried me. She had one of those "I'm an evil vampire and I'm going to take your precious child and perform some ritual incantation that'll turn him into an evil blood-sucking vampire just like me" tones. I'm not sure there's really any "tone" like that, Lemont. That's because you've never kept in touch with an ex.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-07 last 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-07 Pub. Date: 2017-03-07
Image Number: 155380
Caption: Did you see Trump's address to Congress last week? Nah, bruh. Did you catch the "Gilligan's Island" marathon on channel 32 last night? . I don't watch broadcast tv. I only watch Netflix and Hulu. You wanna catch a movie? Watched them all off bittorrent for free already, bruh. You get Kanye new album? I only download songs I like and make my own playlists. Read any good books? C-Dog only read tweets.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-19 last 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-19 Pub. Date: 2017-02-19
Image Number: 154023
Caption: What brings you back to therapy? I have a tough time figuring out whom to trust. I read on Facebook that Hillary Clinton was part of a secret group that baked little kittens into pies. And I believed it. But then I read on my Twitter that Facebook was full of fake news, so I believed that and stopped believing the kitten pie story. Then someone at my wife's work sent me an anonymous email telling me she was cheating on me, and I believed it. But then she told me not to worry because the guys she takes weekly business trips with is gay ... and I believed it. I think I have some horrible disorder where I believe whatever the last person told me. I don't think so. Me neither.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-10 last 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-10 Pub. Date: 2017-02-10
Image Number: 154241
Caption: Do you know why mankind is so susceptible to authoritarians, Rosencrantz? It's because our brains are wired to accept lies. Our conscious brain can eventually spot a lie. But for it to spot it, our unconscious brain first has to entertain it. And just as when you entertain a guest, there's a chance the guest will overstay his welcome, put up photos of his loved ones, and before you know it, he's moved in and you can't get rid of him. I'll say it one last time: I want my side of the sidewalk crack back, Tyrone. I don't know what you mean, I've always been on this side.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-09 last 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-09 Pub. Date: 2017-02-09
Image Number: 154240
Caption: Thank you, Clyde. I don't know what you mean, bruh. Last year, I asked you to stream "Young Justice" on Netflix, because huge subscriber numbers could resurrect it for another season. You blew me off. But I just went back through your old tweets and saw that a week before they renewed it, you told all you 958,000 followers to watch it. Must've been a type, get outta here. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone you did something nice.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-31 last 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-31 Pub. Date: 2017-01-31
Image Number: 153972
Caption: I interviewed President Trump the other day. I think he really believes he only lost the popular vote because there were up to 5 million illegal votes … even though there's zero evidence of that. It didn't make sense 'til yesterday. Remember that line from the Seinfeld rerun we saw last night? "A lie is not a lie if you believe it." America elected George Costanza president.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-29 last 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-29 Pub. Date: 2017-01-29
Image Number: 153149
Caption: It all started back in college when I bought a copy of "Mimic City." It was cheap: About 20 simoleons. Dr. Noodle. I played it night and day. When "Mimic City 2" came out, I rushed out to buy it. And every few years a newer, better one would come out. Every iteration was more advanced than the last. The little mimics who populated Mimic City came to seem more and more real. They had jobs, and love lives, and had mimic kids, and grew old. Eventually, I started to wonder: If my mimics behave as if they're real ... what if they actually believe they're real? Would that make me their God? And, if they think they're real ... what if I only THINK I'm real? What if I and everyone else in Simkind are actually living in some game called "Sim City"? Not to self: Stop self-medicating, and just to be sure, delete games from phone. Thank you, Almighty Noodle, for listening to my prayers. Amen.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-25 last 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-25 Pub. Date: 2017-01-25
Image Number: 153703
Caption: 1982. Last night I looked across the alley and saw your light on, but you weren't answering your tin can. I didn't know you called me. Maybe the string wasn't tight enough to receive the call. But I was busy anyway. I was writing to my pen pal. Chuck's been having trouble working up the courage to talk to some little red-haired girl. He was even too timid to try my suggested "pull her hair" ice-breaker. That's my best move. I don't know why you men think us women like that. Try my can again tonight, I'll try to get better reception.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-19 last 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-19 Pub. Date: 2017-01-19
Image Number: 153407
Caption: If a person's lucky, they'll have two, maybe three moments in life that defy explanation. Moments so magical they make you believe in destiny. It happened with Vancouver that night. She leaned back. She pulled me close … and in that ephemeral moment just before our lips united at last ... there was electricity. Literally. It was real. We felt it. We saw it. We knew in that moment it was because we were meant for one another. Actually, it was because you'd just walked over her carpet and had built up a static charge. Zip it, Neil Degrasse Tyson, this is MY story.
     
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