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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-16 know 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-16 Pub. Date: 2018-01-16
Image Number: 167356
Caption: I've considered what you said, about how every story, change only occurs after an interlude. But those are stories, Rosencrantz, not real life. In real life, the biggest changes often occur randomly and unexpectedly. There usually is no calm before the storm. We often jarringly shift from one storm to the next. And unlike with fictional characters, the actions of real people often don't make sense. I still demand to know why you took my shoe. (Originally published on 2015-12-29).
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-08 know 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-08 Pub. Date: 2018-01-08
Image Number: 167089
Caption: How was your New Years? Great. This year, I was designated good guy with a gun. You know how every year, bozos all over America fire off their semi-automatic rifles into the air to ring in the new year? Well, the NRA has a hotline for that. You call it, they send out a good guy with a gun to blast all those bullets out of the sky before they can come back down on you and your kids ... You're joking, right? Of course I'm joking. Everyone knows those bullets don't come back down.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-07 know 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-07 Pub. Date: 2018-01-07
Image Number: 166341
Caption: I saw that article you wrote about net neutrality being killed. What a bunch of whiny, panicky snowflakery. You wrote "get ready to pay extra to stream your favorite shows and make internet calls." Yeah. Before net neutrality, AT&T throttled Skye and didn't stop until pressured by the FCC and consumers. You scared? You wrote "get ready to pay a fee to connect your smart home to the internet." That's right ... Without net neutrality, there are no rules to prevent your ISP from charging you whatever fees they want. Maybe you need a safe space where the big bad ISP can't get to your piggy bank. You know, you're kind of rude. Oh, you're going to get personal now? You've clearly lost the debate if you have to resort to personal attacks. What the -- you got personal. I was just ... (sigh) ... oh, forget it. Don't get upset. I just won the Gaslighting Association's Internet-Arguing World Championship. I'm just celebrating.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-06 know 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-06 Pub. Date: 2018-01-06
Image Number: 166784
Caption: 1982. Do you believe in life after death, Susan? Of course. Me too. It's the first law of thermal dynamics. Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, it can only transmogrify into something else … like a sea anemone. I've decided I'll be a sea anemone. Not a care in the world, it's be a welcome interlude between this life and my next one where I'm a Jedi. I don't know if you get to choose what happens to your energy, Lemont. No offense, but I think Obi-Wan and Yoda know more about that than you do.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-05 know 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-05 Pub. Date: 2018-01-05
Image Number: 166783
Caption: What do thou mean, "Nah, bruh, I'ma hafta pass"? I have chosen thee to deliver my New Commandments! Who you is really, dawg? Landlord hired you, ain't he? He tryna run me outta here 'cause it's rent-controlled. I don't know anything about that, my child. I have chosen thee for reasons known only to Me. If thou reject your Lord, thou will pay a price. Tell Mr. Tran he'll get he'll get his $250 a month like always. That's no what I'm -- (sigh) oh never mind.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-31 know 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-31 Pub. Date: 2017-12-31
Image Number: 166075
Caption: Susan told me you finally got a doctor appointment, bruh, 'bout that heart problem you probably got … She also told me your doctor name. Canada or bust! I don't know what you're talking about, Clyde. When we was four, you told the preschool you was allergic to Mrs. Cass so they'd have to transfer you to Mr. Kirk's class. When we was nine, you fell in love with that new girl Lois Lane as soon as you heard Mrs. Drake read her name at roll call. When you know, you just know. In college, you took that advanced kelp studies class 'cause it was taught by a "Professor Xavier." I don't know what you're getting at, I've always been fascinated with aquatic plants. Tell me you ain't choose this cardiologist just 'cause his name "Doctor Hu."
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-24 know 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-24 Pub. Date: 2017-12-24
Image Number: 165815
Caption: Why are we here, Michael? First, doc, thank you for seeing me on Christmas Eve. Dr. Noodle. I'm having a crisis. There we were, sitting around the crackling fire, eggnog in hand. We were roasting chestnuts over the open fire. We were singing carols. We'd opened several of the gifts already. That's when the owners came home early. We jumped out the window but I'm pretty sure Vic left his crowbar behind. I see. So you want to know if turning yourself in would make you feel better? I want you to tell anyone who asks, the therapy sessions began at 4 a.m.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-19 know 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-19 Pub. Date: 2017-12-19
Image Number: 166284
Caption: I went out with this book agent last week and told him some stories about work. Then he tried to get me to write a novel based on it. Awesome! I've written three, you know. If you need any advice, just come to me. I could walk you through it. Share my expertise. Writing a novel is a long, hard process. Takes about six months to a year. I'll guide you through it, 'cause you're my best friends and I love you. I finished it last week. I hate you with a passion.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-18 know 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-18 Pub. Date: 2017-12-18
Image Number: 166283
Caption: What's your IQ, Clyde? Why you wanna know, Big L? If I say my IQ 108, you gonna think what I have to say ain't worth spit? An' if I say my IQ be 152 … what then, you gonna suddenly imbue erethang I say wit' fifteen layers of meaning, an' question what you always thought was out dynamic? I think I'd like to do with the 108. Good call, Big L.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-15 know 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-15 Pub. Date: 2017-12-15
Image Number: 166005
Caption: Ok, I'll go with you to see "Star Wars." But I'm not dressing up as Princess Leia this time. Too painful. I don't want to go to the ladies room, catch a glimpse of my Leia hairbuns, and start crying. I know exactly how you feel. I'm not dressing as Han Solo this time, either. Harrison Ford is still alive. Han Solo wasn't a real person, Lemont. It's not the same. Yeah, but Carrie Fisher's the one I'll see onscreen. In a way, she's still alive too.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-10 know 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-10 Pub. Date: 2017-12-10
Image Number: 165352
Caption: I've been racking my brain trying to think of every interaction I've ever had with a woman. Dr. Noodle. I mean, when I was in my twenties, I did what guys in their twenties often did: I hit on women. Lots of them. We used to think that if a lady wasn’t interested, we just weren't trying hard enough. There were books about how to be more clever. How to be a pickup artist. There were times at the club when I was dancing with a lady, thought I had a shot, and went in for a kiss. Sometimes they didn't even know they were into me until I kissed them. But then they kissed back. Other times, they pushed me off and that was that ... or so I thought. Now, at any moment, some random woman could come forward and ruin my life. Well, lets start by acknowledging it's a healthy thing for society that men are learning what it's like to live in fear, for a change. Doesn't feel healthy.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-01 know 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-01 Pub. Date: 2017-12-01
Image Number: 165421
Caption: We're all the same. I don't know what you mean, bruh. I've been thinking about the "one electron theory." All electrons are identical. The best explanation for that is they're all the same exact electron. This single electron travels back and forth through time over and over again, forming everything that exists. The theory's been around for decades. Sometimes scientists think it's valid, other times they think it's nonsense. It goes back and forth ... just like the electron. If this all the case, you giving me $3 would be the same as you keeping your $2.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-29 know 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-29 Pub. Date: 2017-11-29
Image Number: 165419
Caption: I did a quick Google search. You've got nothing to worry about, Susan. It doesn't have to be dementia. You mom's memory loss could be caused by anything. Lack of sleep … medicines … underactive thyroid … stress and anxiety … depression … alcohol … you know your mom likes her brandy ... Not that I'm saying your mom might be an alcoholic ... although if you find a bunch of bottles hidden under her bed, it might comfort you ... or not ... I'm going to stop talking now.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-27 know 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-27 Pub. Date: 2017-11-27
Image Number: 165417
Caption: How's your mom, Lemont? She's great. That's good, that's good. How 'bout mentally? She's not forgetting your name … not forgetting how she got to your house … not calling you "Delfina"? Um … how's your mom, Susan? Fine, nothing's wrong. At all. Susan … you know you can tell me anything. "Anything." ... Yeah, you were right. Well, gotta go.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-18 know 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-18 Pub. Date: 2017-11-18
Image Number: 164875
Caption: What up witcha girl Siri, bruh? What do you mean? I was mindin' my business, watchin' "Gilligan's Island." All of a sudden cops bust down my door an' demand to know what I done to my "little buddy." The rookie cop kept screamin' "Drop the coconut." Oh yeah. I forgot to mention Apple's Siri sometimes calls the police if it thinks the voices from the tv told it to call 911. I ain't even had no coconut.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-12 know 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-12 Pub. Date: 2017-11-12
Image Number: 164249
Caption: I can't believe youtube demonetized me, bruh. All my videos used to make bank, Big L. But just this morning, right after I uploaded my new track "Take a Knee," Youtube cut all the ads off almost all my videos. Well, some big advertisers pulled out of Youtube after it turned out major ads were running on four or five white supremacists' hate-videos. So the Youtube started demonetizing anything their algorithms thin is the least bit controversial. I know, bruh. That's why I renamed all my songs. "Slav'ry Bones" now be called "Involuntary Guest-Worker Bones." "Section 8 Blues" now called "Affordable Housing Lullabies." I don't know, Clyde. I heard once Youtube starts turning off a channel's ads, nothing will change their mind. "@#$% then Neo-Nazis" now called "Cuddle Kittens and Rainbow Bunnies."
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-09 know 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-09 Pub. Date: 2017-11-09
Image Number: 164652
Caption: 1982. Do you think there's still gonna be mean people in the 21st century, Lemont? Nah. People are getting nicer all the time. Momma and I watched "Roots" back when I was just a little kid. It was about the olden days. A lot of people in those times were clearly very, very mean. But just the other day, I was playing in the park with my Fonzie action figure when some strange man told me "go back where you came from." How was that nice? Well, I went home, and there was a brand new cake there. I don't know how that man knew, but I wish I could thank him.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-07 know 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-07 Pub. Date: 2017-11-07
Image Number: 164650
Caption: I'm tired of people complaining about how the president's chief of staff, John Kelly, said Robert E. Lee was an "honorable man." So what if Robert E. Lee was a cruel, slave-beating, family separating white supremacist traitor who even kidnapped free black Pennsylvanians and brought them to the south as property? John Kelly's right, we can't judge people from back then by what people today think is right and wrong. Y'know, a lot of people thought it was wrong "back then." That's why there was a war. I don't see what that has to do with anything.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-06 know 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-06 Pub. Date: 2017-11-06
Image Number: 164649
Caption: The president's chief of staff, General John Kelly, was right: the Civil War happened 'cause the country did not compromise. Say what? Maybe they should've tried … oh, I don't know … splitting the difference and saying black people were worth 3/5ths of a person. Or maybe they should've admitted a slave state for every new free state admitted or maybe Lincoln should've just offered to limit slavery's expansion instead of ending it. Or maybe they should've passed some sort of "Fugitive Slave Act." I hate "Sarcasm Monday"! I'm glad the White House is filled with people who really know your history.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-05 know 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-05 Pub. Date: 2017-11-05
Image Number: 163961
Caption: I find it funny how you libs get all triggered every time the president implies Puerto Rican hurricane victims are lazy … or every time he praises white supremacists, or every time he "attacks" the first amendment, or every time he personally insults people. Don't you people know the president is trolling you? He's just pressing your buttons for fun and you fall for it every single time. It's as if none of you have ever debated anyone online. Online, you don't win by being right ... you win by making the other guy seem like he cares more than you do about any given topic. Caring is absolute proof of snowflaky weakness. If what the other guy cares about is common decency, you get extra points. That's the most absurd thing I've -- ... um ... whatever. Too late, snowflake.
     
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