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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-16 job 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-16 Pub. Date: 2017-11-16
Image Number: 164873
Caption: Dick Fink, I want you to find out for me if there are any book tours happening in Djibouti. Can't, ma'am. I've recently converted to orthodox Buddhism. I can't use my phone or computer right now because obviously that would interfere with my 12-hour daily meditation. You wouldn't want to discriminate against an employee by forcing him to violate his religion would you? I've never heard of "orthodox" Buddhism. Maybe the answers you seek will come to me when I reach the sixth level of meditation.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-10 job 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-10 Pub. Date: 2017-11-10
Image Number: 164653
Caption: 1982. When I grow up, I want to be a single dad, Lemont. You mean "single mom"? Are you kidding? Compare "Alice" or "Gloria" or "One Day at a Time" with "Diff'rent Strokes" or "Silver Spoons." Single moms all struggle for long hours in dead-end, low-wage jobs. But single dads are all millionaires who don't seem to need jobs at all. My goal in life is to prove tv wrong, is what I'm saying. Fred Sanford's a single dad and he's always having heart attacks.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-29 job 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-29 Pub. Date: 2017-10-29
Image Number: 163801
Caption: Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one in the office who notices the boss is a moron. Dr Noodle. Well … is he a moron? Certifiably. I even looked up the definition to be sure. A "moron" is defines as "a stupid person." So then I looked up "stupid" just to be sure. It means "having or showing a great lack of intelligence or common sense." I see you've given this a lot of thought. Yeah. Problem is, the last time he displayed his dingbattery I lose my temper and said "moron" out loud. The cretin heard about it. So to cover my behind, I had everyone gather around me and I praised him effusively. I laid it on thick, really buttered him up. Any intelligent person would have seen right through that. But your boss bought it. Instantly! See? Moron! How come no one else at works sees it?
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-11 job 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-11 Pub. Date: 2017-09-11
Image Number: 162597
Caption: Remember that video of police attackin' that blond white woman nurse for just doin' her job? Remember Justine Diamond, white woman the police shot in her pajamas? Remember the hundreds of people of all races unnecessarily shot by cops in the past few years? Remember the huge "All Lives Matter" protests that broke out eretime? Glad to see I was wrong about "All Lives Matter" bein' just another way of sayin' "shut up an' take it, n*****." My "Sarcasm Monday" idea really caught on. Look at Wino Larry over there relievin' hisself. What a beautiful sight.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-11 job 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-11 Pub. Date: 2017-06-11
Image Number: 158398
Caption: Man, Lemont … how long's it been? Twenty years? Just about. You still working at Pigville Pork Burgers? Nah … I got a job as the Candorville Chronicles White House correspondent. Then I went on to found Candorville.com, the internet's seventh largest source for news and opinion. Oh. That's cool. That's cool. How do you not know this? We're Facebook friends. I post links to my articles every day. We were roommates all through college, and you don't even read my updates? Facebook's for reading you-stuff? I thought it was just for posting me-stuff. I'm sorry, man. I feel horrible. As you should ... Anyway, you still working as a roadie for Hootie and the Blowfish?
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-21 job 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-21 Pub. Date: 2017-05-21
Image Number: 157604
Caption: I'm tired of people complaining about how the coral reefs have pretty much died off. I mean yeah, a huge variety of fish and other sealife rely on the coral reefs. And yeah, about 500 million people in turn depend on that sealife for food, jobs and recreation. But it's not mankind's fault those sea creatures decided to sponge off the hard work of the polyps that made all the coral. Wait ... what? ... and it's not our fault that 500 million people didn't think ahead and get real jobs instead of sponging off welfare fish. Besides, marine habitats are something better left to private industry. If the fish really want vast expanses of underwater limestone shelters, let them buy it on the free market like the rest of us. Besides, I was just wasting my time with all those snorkeling vacations. I should've been working. You're just trying to make yourself feel better. Newsweak.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-08 job 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-08 Pub. Date: 2017-04-08
Image Number: 156470
Caption: It's been two years. I still can't believe Jon Stewart quit "The Daily Show." Why not? Ain't you never quit no job? Yes … wait, no. Wait, that's a double negative. Maybe even a triple. I don’t know how to answer that. You open your mouth an let wind come out. For an intelligent dude there an awful lot you ain't be knowin'.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-08 job 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-08 Pub. Date: 2017-03-08
Image Number: 155381
Caption: It's as if people don't care if they're lied to, as long as the guy doing the lying is "their" guy. People love getting lied to, Lemont. That's what makes my job so fun. Crafting a good ad campaign is like sitting by the glow of a lamp and telling your sweet little child and a night-night story. Every good night-night story omits the gruesome details. I thought you hated kids. Oh, not at all. I love them ... in theory.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-29 job 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-29 Pub. Date: 2017-01-29
Image Number: 153149
Caption: It all started back in college when I bought a copy of "Mimic City." It was cheap: About 20 simoleons. Dr. Noodle. I played it night and day. When "Mimic City 2" came out, I rushed out to buy it. And every few years a newer, better one would come out. Every iteration was more advanced than the last. The little mimics who populated Mimic City came to seem more and more real. They had jobs, and love lives, and had mimic kids, and grew old. Eventually, I started to wonder: If my mimics behave as if they're real ... what if they actually believe they're real? Would that make me their God? And, if they think they're real ... what if I only THINK I'm real? What if I and everyone else in Simkind are actually living in some game called "Sim City"? Not to self: Stop self-medicating, and just to be sure, delete games from phone. Thank you, Almighty Noodle, for listening to my prayers. Amen.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-24 job 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-24 Pub. Date: 2017-01-24
Image Number: 153702
Caption: 1982. What do you want to be when you grow up, Lemont? I want to be a factory worker. Then I could wear overalls and join a union and live in a big house in a small town and win the heart of a pretty girl. Papa says I'm a pretty girl. Yeah, but your dad's not rich and snobby and he'd probably approve of me. Life doesn't have to be like the movies. I just think it'd be cool to be the "boy from the wrong side of the tracks" to someone.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-29 job 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-29 Pub. Date: 2016-12-29
Image Number: 152627
Caption: I think the main lesson from this election is, liberal elites should stop looking down on people who think minorities are taking their country. Liberals should be more sensitive to the feelings of those who just worry about their jobs, and about how they can tell jokes about gays and the blacks anymore without being called a bigot. That is clearly the main lesson. Maybe the main lesson is Democrats should nominate someone people like. The other lesson for liberals is they should be conservatives.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-01 job 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-01 Pub. Date: 2016-12-01
Image Number: 151553
Caption: 2016 turned out to be our best year in recorded history. Well … American history, anyway. We still have a ways to go before we match what the German branch did back in the '30s. Fear, Inc. But still … we convinced half the country that savages were either coming to kill them or take their jobs. And we convinced the other half that most of the country is racist and hateful. We also got Kanye West to completely flip out onstage. I'm proud of that one. Fear, Inc.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-25 job 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-25 Pub. Date: 2016-09-25
Image Number: 148272
Caption: It all started when I considered voting for Donald Trump. He's against illegal immigration. I'm against illegal immigration. So why not? People said that made him racist. But I agree with him, and I know I'm not racist. And if people were wrong to call him "racist" about that, maybe they're wrong to call him racist about everything. I started arguing with my own wife. I said demanding Obama's birth certificate wasn't racist. I said wanting to ban all Muslim immigrants wasn't racist. Trump saying a judge couldn't do his job because he's Mexican-American? I said that wasn't racist. I said the fact he kept retweeting white supremacists wasn't racist. But yesterday ... I caught myself saying "What's so racist about white supremacists anyway?" You're worried that supporting Trump is desensitizing you to racism? No, I just wondered if I can bunk here tonight. My wife kicked me out.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-22 job 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-22 Pub. Date: 2016-09-22
Image Number: 148764
Caption: Sir, Concast Cable's interested in an ad campaign that'll soften up their image in advance of this mega-merger. When people think of their purchase of Slime-Warmer Cable, Concast wants them to think of a mom-and-pop store … and not a corporate behemoth that's going to slash thousands of jobs, create a monopoly and eventually jack up prices. This'll be tough. On the bright side, we get to charge them the "utter (censored)" fee. Yayle. CEO of the Year 2002.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-08-10 job 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-08-10 Pub. Date: 2016-08-10
Image Number: 147067
Caption: I haven't finished reading a novel since my son was born. Taking care of him leaves me no time for any of my old hobbies. So I'm coming up with new hobbies he and I can do together. That makes sense. Today's hobby is going to be "Hide and Seek." I'll take about an hour to "find" him just so he'll think he's doing a great job hiding. How long does it take you to read a chapter in a novel? I don't see what that has to do with anything.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-07-21 job 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-07-21 Pub. Date: 2016-07-21
Image Number: 146142
Caption: Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! What is it?! Are you ok?! I dweamt Donald Twump was a mean-head. And then he came into my dweam and towd me I wath a "total woother," an' I should wethign my job as your baby. That's the last time I let you watch the news. You're not a "total loser," son. I don't have another job lined up.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-07-08 job 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-07-08 Pub. Date: 2016-07-08
Image Number: 145506
Caption: so then they offered me a raise. But it wasn't as much of a raise as I deserved. That's when I reminded them I've personally brought in 72% of our major clients and that most of those clients have asked to work only with me so they added $50k per year to their offer. I found a $20 bill in my couch the other day.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-20 job 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-20 Pub. Date: 2016-06-20
Image Number: 144897
Caption: I'm sick of people saying women earn 77 cents for every dollar a man makes. That's been debunked already. It's more like 95 cents. They earn only a nickel less when it's the exact same job. You know a lot of industries still won't hire women for the "exact same job"? I don't see what that has to do with anything.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-17 job 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-17 Pub. Date: 2016-06-17
Image Number: 144566
Caption: In the wake of what even Republicans have called blatantly racist comments, Donald Trump's campaign may be about to unrave Click. Experts predict robots will take half of earth's jobs within 30 years. When we tried to reach those experts for comment, their phone lines all went dead. Click. It appears the newly discovered ninth planet is responsible for the comet showers that cause mass extinctions on earth every 26 million years. And we're due for another one right. Click. Gilligaaaaan, the Skipper tooooo ... the millionaaaaire ... and his wiiiiiiiife ...
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-14 job 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-14 Pub. Date: 2016-06-14
Image Number: 144563
Caption: Mr. Trump, you said the judge presiding over your fake university trial can't do his job impartially because he's "Mexican" and you've offended Mexicans. You also say Muslim judges could "absolutely" be biased because you've offended Muslims. But you've offended pretty much everyone other than white, right-handed Appalachian car mechanics' pet zebras ... and he doesn't have any judicial experience. No, but he's never treated me unfairly.
     
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