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Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons

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61. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2009-07-27 into 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2009-07-27 Pub. Date: 2009-07-27
Image Number: 90703
Caption: Slowpoke. It’s the newest movie sensation in a land that's 90% gay … bluto The Flaming Hetero. Bluto journeys around wearing ridiculously straight fashions! Pleated Khakis. Played By Gay Actor. Gadgets on belt. Dockers. He thrusts himself into hilariously awkward situations that expose anti-straight prejudice. C'mon, everybody! Do The Locomotion! Oh. My. God. 45. But watch out - Bluto craves wild and crazy sex ... With WOMEN! Who's your lawn boy? Rrrr. Clearly Bluto is changing gay's views of straights! What a bunch of weirdos!
     
62. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2009-07-13 into 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2009-07-13 Pub. Date: 2009-07-13
Image Number: 90701
Caption: Slowpoke. State of the Nation. Special road trip edition. Stimulus money is being spent by the buttload on U.S. highways. Stock tip: Invest in reflecto-barrels! Not again! Putting America back to work. One lane next 12 miles. Americans are eating even worse than you thought. I'll have the oleaginous cakes and a side order of lipid sticks. Clogger's Family Chowdown. The continental truck divide separates varieties of pickups. Western. Southern. Large and powerful but also luxurious. Horns optional. Greater tire-to-body size ratio. Often clownlike. Retirement often turns the squarest Americans into neo-hippies. Bessie here is our home. life on the road - it's groovy!
     
63. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2009-07-06 into 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2009-07-06 Pub. Date: 2009-07-06
Image Number: 90700
Caption: Slowpoke. Automakers have huge inventories that aren't selling. What to do with all the cars nobody wants? Unmanned Escalade drones! Somewhere in Afghanistan. NOW what? Dump 'em on Cheney's ranch. Make one giant SUV, shoot it into space as a warning to aliens. Don't be stupid like us. - Earth. Melt 'em down, turn 'em into better cars! 85 MPG made from 100% recycled Hummers.
     
64. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2009-06-08 into 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2009-06-08 Pub. Date: 2009-06-08
Image Number: 91019
Caption: Slowpoke. Pop Culture Periscope Presents Catsplotation. Books pandering to cat lovers are EVERYWHERE! You've got cute pictures of cats saying imbecilic things … I Can Has Cheezburger? A lolcat colleckshun. … And the novel Dewey: The small-town library cat who (ugh!) touched the world ... ... And stuff on my cat, featuring photos of random objects on cat crania. Meanwhile, cartoonists struggle to get their life's work into bookstores! We at Slowpoke propose a new title: Stuff on my: "stuff on my cat" book. Or maybe this one: I can has big advance? Pictures of mad money on my cash cats.
     
65. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2009-06-01 into 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2009-06-01 Pub. Date: 2009-06-01
Image Number: 91018
Caption: Slowpoke. A Pixelated Past. One fine evening in the year 2050 with grandma and grandpa Perkins … Tell us about the olden days! Yes, what was life like in 2009? Well … I remember I once got into a Wikipedia page-editing battle with someone over the entry for Kif from "Futurama." In the end, I won! Good times! Then there was the time your grandfather posted a video on YouTube of me singing "Sweet Caroline" in the shower. SWEET CARO-LINE. You Bastard. Oh, and she once had the most Hilarious status message - So basically you wasted your lives staring at screens. I think they're making these grandkids a bit too realistic. Time to try a different simulator. Virtual Front Porch. With Grandkids!
     
66. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2009-02-09 into 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2009-02-09 Pub. Date: 2009-02-09
Image Number: 91004
Caption: Slowpoke. First they came for the record stores, and I said nothing, because I could download for free. The Platter Platter. Closed. Coming soon: Drab Drugstore No. 413791. WHEEEE! Click! Click! I'm too sexy for my shirt … Then they came for the bookstores and I said nothing, because there's always Amazon. The Tome Room. New & Used Books Since 1956. Out Of Business. Future site of Outback Steakhouse. I can't wait until they perfect file-sharing for books! Then they came for the newspapers, and I said nothing, because I just read the blogs that quoted them. The Daily Schlep. Now Leasing! 2400 sq ft luxury lofts in a historic newspaper building! Hmm ... According to news-hoover.com, the Daily Schlep has stopped publishing! Then they came for everything, and I was too flabbergasted to speak. Main St. Cheeseburger in Paradise. And then they came for me ... Please step into the digitron, sir.
     
67. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2008-12-08 into 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2008-12-08 Pub. Date: 2008-12-08
Image Number: 90999
Caption: Slowpoke. And now a word from the Secretary of the Treasury … Drooly Julie. My fellow Americans, it's time to get this country shaking it's moneymaker! To do this, we must look at the origin of our financial crisis: An overextension of the adult novelty industry. Firms like this one invested heavily in exotic sexual devices no one could understand - partner-default swaps, frottage-backed securers, queen-sized suction puppies, and foursquare bean strokers. Nookie Nook. In any event, a lust-based problem requires a lust-based solution ... First, I propose injecting liquidity into the tight credit market - again and again, as necessary. Also, we need to retool the auto industry. As Detroit goes limp, so goes the nation! We need the sexy cars of the future NOW! If workers must get laid off, they need job retraining, like my friend Bud here. Crack! Finally, we need public works projects. I want amateur porn block grants! massive bedroom infrastructure projects! And shtup for America volunteers! S.F.A. "E Duo Unum." Yes, it's time for THE NUDE DEAL!
     
68. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2008-10-06 into 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2008-10-06 Pub. Date: 2008-10-06
Image Number: 91255
Caption: Slowpoke. Slowpoke at the DNC Part II. My seat at Mile High Stadium overlooked the makeshift TV studios. Even when I'm at an event in person, I can't get away from Wolf Blitzer. CNN. A speaker form Indiana named Barney Smith got the biggest laugh of the evening when he said: We need a President who puts Barney Smith before Smith Barney! Although, considering the amount of Wall Street money flowing into Obama's campaign in addition to small donors, I wonder how this would play out in reality. During Obama's speech, the crowd was so quiet (between lines of thunderous applause) that I worried my camera's electronic beeping would ruin the moment for others. How to switch the sound off ... ? Aw, screw it! Bleep! Today it was revealed that McCain has picked Sarah Palin, and anti-choice woman, as his running mate. It's a classic Clarence Thomas-style maneuver by the GOP, which makes me think of Al Gore's line from last night. Some of the best marketers have the worst products.
     
69. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2008-08-25 into 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2008-08-25 Pub. Date: 2008-08-25
Image Number: 91250
Caption: Slowpoke. Movin' On Up! My friends, social security is a disgrace. Always has been. It's time for people to take responsibility for themselves …. With my MOVIN' ON UP plan! It's simple: just do like I did - pull on your bootstraps and marry into a FAMILY FORTUNE! Right, Cindy? Yes, dear. "I'll provide a massive tax break for any wealthy American who marries someone with less money. It's a win-win!" "The new Office of Social Climbing will assist in training the unwashed masses in the ways of high society." Whut the - this menu has whores on it! Hors d'oeuvres, sir. They're appetizers. "A new website will guide people to available cash cows." Golddigger.gov. Amanda Smedley. Smedley's Snow Peas Heiress. Likes: Snow peas. "I hear the Coors family has some lovely nubile young ladies right now!" Now, who says I don't understand economics? Why hasn't everyone already done this? Drink Bud!
     
70. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2008-05-26 into 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2008-05-26 Pub. Date: 2008-05-26
Image Number: 91238
Caption: Slowpoke. Welcome to That Drooly Show! With me tonight is Herb Swineshaft, inventor of the popular new novelty item, the Hillary Nutcracker.* It crushes walnuts between her stainless steel legs! Krk! Hee hee hee! *For real. So, I assume you're also selling a John McCain Nipple Clamp, since women's rights would be pinched hard by his Supreme Court nominees? Screw tightens jaw. Censored. Uh, no. Hadn't thought of that. Or if you're really into selling bigoted election merch, what about an Obama "Gangsta" sawed-off shotgun? The Oblamma! I think some people might find that offensive. As opposed to Hillary cracking metaphorical gonads with her thighs? Right. Well, thanks for joining us, Herb. Before we go, tell us- what can we expect from you next? A hilarious line of suffragette urinal cakes! Thank you, Mr. Swineshaft!
     
71. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2008-04-14 into 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2008-04-14 Pub. Date: 2008-04-14
Image Number: 91233
Caption: Slowpoke. Confused about the electoral process? Try Professor P's Civics Reader. CAUCUSES: Members of a party form herds in an elementary school cafeteria. After completing three rebuses, a chili cookoff, and reading Clan of the Cave Bear, winners are chosen. Meanwhile, the Democratic candidates' campaigns are busy nursing giant colonies of SUPERDELEGETES - mysterious beings said to acquire special powers from a radioactive donkey bite. Sleep well my pretties. At the appointed hour, the super delegates rise and do battle against each other miles above the Earth. Eat my hope bolts! Obamalon. O. I'll CHANGE you ... into Molten flesh! Hillaron. H. Armed with bows and arrows, greased pigs and kryptonite grenades, the delegates and superdelagates meet up. Only one candidate leaves alive. And the glory of Democracy lives on!
     
72. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2008-01-01 into 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2008-01-01 Pub. Date: 2008-01-01
Image Number: 92351
Caption: Slowpoke. Season of Unreason. As usual, the Presidential primaries have devolved into a grossly simplistic personality contest. Obama's smile is playing well in Kalamazoo! Yes, bit Hillary's eyebrows have mesmerized Ypsilanti! Nattering Noggins Nightly. How could we make the race even more trivial and idiotic? Monosyllabic debates. The Dems. Remember - Only ONE! Hope! Change! Fight! The Repubs. Bomb! Fear! Grunt! Aura divination. With us tonight is Contessa Montebaldi, who will probe the candidates' energy fields. Right now I'm seeing a murky haze around Mitt Romney. For John McCain ... I see flan. An enormous flan. Rorschach voting machines. Please choose the blob you would most like to have a beer with.
     
73. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2007-01-01 into 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2007-01-01 Pub. Date: 2007-01-01
Image Number: 86611
Caption: Slowpoke. Hey, gourmands! Check out the latest gadgets for … The 21st Century Chef. The V-Chip (veggie chip) - Equipped Guilt-O-Matic Dinner Plate detects when you kid has not eaten her greens and actually causes to be withheld from a starving child in Africa! Wireless internet signal. The Celebrigriddle gently browns the faces of your favorite stars into your flapjacks! Japanese Snow Monkey Rice Cooker. The cutest appliance ever! Bounces up and down to Shonen Knife and Bjork's greatest hits when rice is ready! Rice in. The Salad Uzi adds extra firepower to the traditional salad shooter so men feel comfortable using it. Into the bowl, dear! FAP-FAP-FAP-FAP!
     
74. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2007-01-01 into 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2007-01-01 Pub. Date: 2007-01-01
Image Number: 92338
Caption: Slowpoke. America: Back Office To The World! The dollar continues to plunge in value. Biggiebank. Goodbye, cruel world! We at Slowpoke peer into our crystal ball to see what's next for the U.S. economy! O magic ball … Speak to Swami Perkins! Soon, Americans will be providing tech support to Bangalore. Hello, this is, uh, Rajiv Chandrashekar. Can I have the product's serial number? In broken, Midwestern accented Hindi. I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU, YOU DOTLESS-HEAD! As the dollar sinks further, factories to make foreign goods sprout up in the rust belt. I can barely afford to feed my kids, and these Brazilians are buying @#! DANCING FRUIT HATS?! Dancing Headwear Inspector No. 12. Tourism surges, as people from all over the world can finally afford to visit. I used to drink cocktails all day at five-star hotels in your country! Please take us to Fifth Avenue so we can purchase some of your quaint native costumes!
     
75. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2006-01-01 into 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2006-01-01 Pub. Date: 2006-01-01
Image Number: 86612
Caption: Slowpoke. Wal*Mart wants to open an "Industrial Loan Corporation," which many think will lead to the opening of bank branches. Soon you may walk into a Wal*Bank. The Greeter. Welcome to Wal*Bank! Open a checking account and get a free ceramic lawn toad! The teller windows double as fast food stands - Accumulate fatty deposits while you make deposits! Honey mustard or barbecue sauce? Kongealed Fried Cholesterol and teller No. 8. Sleeps in her Hyundai. Anti-Union Spycam. The loan officer is himself $89,000 in debt. Plastic yard chair. Wal*Mart Global Domination Pie Chart. Wal*Mart. Not Wal*Mart. We can do it! The business model. Wal*Bank. Walton Family (The real Wal*Bank) Right-Wing Anti-Worker Politicians. Policies that hurt the poor. Tax cuts for hotel heiresses. More poor people! Poor people's money.
     
76. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2006-01-01 into 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2006-01-01 Pub. Date: 2006-01-01
Image Number: 86613
Caption: Slowpoke. Spreadin' the Manure. True: The White House has instructed the Dept. of Agriculture to work praise of Bush's foreign policy into speeches. Actual talking point. Agriculture is the heart and soul of a nation, and its importance should not be underestimated in the Iraqi's efforts to build a strong, self-sustaining democracy. Here are some other possible segueways ... When addressing sheep farmers: We all know there's nothing tastier than a rack of lamb. ... And speaking of Iraq, the President has a clear strategy for victory! Sheep produces of Okiedokie County. When addressing cattle ranchers: The fat veins in a well-marbled slice of beef remind me of rivers ... like the Euphrates and Tigris in Iraq - where, incidentally, the President has a clear strategy for victory! Caution: Try not to get too carried away. When I think of fruits and vegetables, I think of sprouting freedom in the Middle East ... Of land where spuds have replaced scuds ... Of dangling carrots of democracy ... Of the strong moral fiber of our President, who has a clear strategy for victory! Now, back to avocado prices ... Produce growers of Wahoochie County.
     
77. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2006-01-01 into 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2006-01-01 Pub. Date: 2006-01-01
Image Number: 86614
Caption: Slowpoke. Self-serve Nation. Grocery stores have been replacing cashiers with machines, effectively outsourcing labor onto consumers. Please place your item into the bag! I did, you idiot. Please place your item in the bag! Place your item in the bag NOW! What other labor-foisting schemes might lie ahead? Do you want affordable clothing or not? Toxi-glu. Tech support outsourced to your parallel universe self. ... So, I need a four-pin Molex adapter? I have no freakin' clue. Perhaps it's time to form a CONSUMER LABOR UNION. Shoppers Local 729 ON STRIKE! I won't scan for the man. No pay, no weigh! Uberfood Supermarket.
     
78. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2006-01-01 into 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2006-01-01 Pub. Date: 2006-01-01
Image Number: 92675
Caption: Slowpoke. Drooly Julie's Culture Corner. Welcome to "The Lust Lab," where we talk nonstop about the horizontal bop! This week, due to a bizarre programming mistake, I'm filling in for rabid right-winger Laura Ingraham. First caller! ON AIR. Yeah. I just wanted to say that English should be the national language. Well, I prefer the universal language of love. I speak the humpinese dialect myself. Nothing achieves national unity like sweet porking! But- *sputter* (click) Next caller! Drooly, do you support our troops? Support the troops? I think of them constantly - their chiseled flesh bronzed by the desert sun, covered with a light dew of perspiration ... (pant!) That's not supporting - Hey, if all the troops had to look forward to was your sad prudish ass, they'd never get through the war! Next caller! Ma'am, it's sick perverts like yourself who are bringing this country down! On the contrary, I'm bringing this country up! I'm a red-blooded patriot into white-hot canoodling under blue American skies! I'm a uniter, not a divider-of start-spangled booty!
     
79. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2006-01-01 into 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2006-01-01 Pub. Date: 2006-01-01
Image Number: 92680
Caption: Slowpoke. Hey, Republican candidates! Want to take your next attack ads to the next level? Try the latest in mudslinging technology: SLANDERsoft TM Smearware 6.0! WIMP. THIEF. WHOREMONGER. SLANDERsoft TM Smearware 6.0. Go beyond the traditional "opponent morphing into Osama" effect with our library of 10,000 stock images! Your opponent. Bowl of gruel. Stingray that killed Steve Irwin. Rob Halford of Judas Priest. Running against a black male? Use our state-of-the-art CGI capabilities for the ultimate in race-baiting visuals. Just insert opponents head! Voiceover: While [your name] was at home reading stories to his children, [your black opponent] was getting his freak on in nightclubs with your daughter! And now, twist your opponent's words more easily than ever with out instant context regenerator! I'd be honored to serve the greatest nation on Earth! I'd be honored to serve the greatest Nation on Earth! Order now and get a free copy of Photo-Ops 9.1 TM - Now with more virtual babies!
     
80. Cartoonist Jen Sorensen  Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons 2004-01-01 into 
Cartoonist(s): Jen Sorensen
Comic/Cartoon: Jen Sorensen's Editorial Cartoons
Viewable Date: 2004-01-01 Pub. Date: 2004-01-01
Image Number: 92660
Caption: Slowpoke. Foxnews.com commentator Steven Milloy knows the REAL motivation behind global warming disaster flick "The Day After Tomorrow." The movie's unmistakable purpose is to scare us into submitting to the Greens' AGENDA: Domination of society through control of energy resources!* *Actual quote. Yes, it's true! All the world's climatologists, birdwatchers, and recyclers secretly belong to the Khmer Vert - A bloodthirsty cabal driven by a ruthless lust for power! TIME TO KILL! University of Oregon Environmental Science Dept. 500 LB. flax seed bomb. RFV (Recumbent Fighting Vehicle.) Organic Pear Launcher. FOOM! Their shady leader, know only as "The Supreme Conifer," would issue harsh decrees to the populace. With your tracking collars, we will know whether you go to tonight's John Denver Tribute Concert! You MUST attend ... Or DIE! If they aren't stopped, the Khmer Vert will go on to invade Holland in order to seize its windmills. BOOM! No blood for wind. We wouldn't want THAT to happen, would we?
     
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