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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-12 his 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-12 Pub. Date: 2017-10-12
Image Number: 163631
Caption: You know what else is good? "Matlock." What the … ? What is you … Listen, bruh, don't nobody watch no old corny white-haired country lawyer in 1990s Atlanta … playin' a ukulele in his light gray suit and "findin' the real killer" e'ry week … for someone who doesn't watch the show, you sure know a lot about it. Osmosis. I got all that from osmosis an' you can't prove otherwise.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-09 his 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-09 Pub. Date: 2017-10-09
Image Number: 163628
Caption: I was part of the press pool covering the president's visit to Puerto Rico. I covered the whole thing. The part where he gave his own response an A+ … the part where he threw supplies as if they were prizes at desperate survivors … the part where he told Puerto Ricans they were costing us a lot of money ... the part where he said it wasn't a "real" catastrophe like Hurricane Katrina ... the part where he said that finger the crowd used must be the Puerto Rican equivalent of a "thumbs-up" ... How come the article you wrote about it was called "Nailed It."?
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-25 his 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-25 Pub. Date: 2017-09-25
Image Number: 163097
Caption: Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my entire life being a journalist. Why bother? History just repeats itself anyway. Dr. Noodle. I just started reading a political memoir I heard about on the radio this morning. M.A. The Democrat James M. Cox wrote it after he lost the election of 1920 to Harding. It's called "That Which Occurred." He also blamed his loss on Bernie Sanders. I hope I can be as sharp as Bernie at his age.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-18 his 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-18 Pub. Date: 2017-09-18
Image Number: 162848
Caption: But I can't get rid of it. Momma told me it belonged to my father, and to his father before him. I never knew either of them. Susan, the only family heirloom I have from them are my hat, my antique pocket watch and this. A microwave oven is not a "family heirloom," Lemont. Get rid of it. But Grandpa Brown warmed up his rations with it during the Korean War. It's time, Lemont.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-10 his 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-10 Pub. Date: 2017-09-10
Image Number: 161858
Caption: My uncle keeps sending me crazy, paranoid conspiracy theories he hears on Youtube. Dr. Noodle. It all started a few years ago when he sent me an email about how the victims of the Hindenburg crash were all crisis actors. These same victims died on the Titanic! He wrote. Then he told me President Obama was setting up Femur Camps, where he'd be letting the Illuminati harvest our femur bones for voodoo incantations to turn all our frogs into insomniacs. When I asked him why on earth would anyone want to do that? he said I had been brainwashed by the cabal that runs both the fake news and the pepperoni industries. So I replied why would they waste their time brainwashing me? What would they gain from that? Does your uncle have a hobby? Get him to refer uncle!!! $$$$$$$ ... because it's possible that you're his hobby. He said they've brainwashed me into thinking there's nothing to gain from brainwashing me.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-08 his 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-08 Pub. Date: 2017-09-08
Image Number: 162346
Caption: Dick Fink, come in here for a second, will you? Ok, Ms. Garcia. The CEO called me into his office today to ask why our nemesis, McMahon, Tate, Stephens and Evans, called him for a reference. He was furious. Almost fired me. Apparently someone sent them my resume, and said the best time to call would be 3 a.m. Do you know anything about this? No. But I'll prevaricate ... I mean, investigate ... this thoroughly.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-29 his 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-29 Pub. Date: 2017-08-29
Image Number: 162088
Caption: I read that article you wrote about how DC bringing Joss Whedon to "lighten up" the Justice League movie is endemic of America's refusal to confront harsh realities. How could you, Lemont? What, you don’t agree? Remember how upset America got when Batman V. Superman didn't have enough jokes amidst all the carnage? No, I mean how could you write anything about the philandering cad after his wife published an article about how he cheated on her for 15 years! Don't say anything if you know what's good for you. I think this is a debate I can win.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-24 his 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-24 Pub. Date: 2017-08-24
Image Number: 161803
Caption: Hey Susan, did you get that evite from Clyde? Which one? The evite to his birthday party where he wrote "in lieu of gifts, bring a shovel and wear your work pants"? No. The evite to his housewarming party at his underground bunker? No. I've been ignoring his evites for months now. Ever since Trump won, they've been getting more and more cynical. I'm talking about his evite to watch the upcoming race war on his tv.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-16 his 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-16 Pub. Date: 2017-08-16
Image Number: 161533
Caption: You know what? If we ever create faster-than-light travel, we can prove whether Jesus existed. We found a planet orbiting a star in the Cygnus constellation 2,000 light years away. That means if we were there right now, we could peer back at earth through a super-powerful telescope and see events that happened 2,000 years ago. If Jesus were real, we could see him going about his business: performing miracles ... coming back from the dead ... picking his nose ... He never would've done that, Lemont. You know how much dust there is in the Middle East?
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-04 his 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-04 Pub. Date: 2017-08-04
Image Number: 161034
Caption: Why you always readin' that newspaper, Big L? Because I want to know what's happening in the world. Why? A man only has so much room in his head; why fill it up with stuff that ain't got spit to do with you? You ever seen a hamster worryin' about global warming? No, he just want his pine nuts. Hamsters don't eat "pine nuts," Clyde. See? Why you even know that? You ain't never had no hamster.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-26 his 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-26 Pub. Date: 2017-07-26
Image Number: 160759
Caption: Wait … did you say someone is bullying my song? Yeh, but I took care of that while you was gone. I taught little bruh to man up an' overcome it exactly the way you did back when we was kids an' a bully was clownin' you. You taught him to stand toe-to-toe with the bully, look him in the eye, and deliver a stirring speech that won his respect? What? That ain't even close to what happened. Well that's how I remember it. You also 'member Sinbad playing a genie ins some '90s movie, but that ain't never happened neither. Yes it did!!!
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-13 his 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-13 Pub. Date: 2017-07-13
Image Number: 160222
Caption: Susan, I can't let you confront your best friend's girlfriend for dining with another man. Let me? Marry me. You insert yourself in this, he'll blame you forever. A man will never believe it unless he sees it with his own eyes. Besides … look at these balloons, my love. Marry me. You're absolutely right. What did you just do?? Tied my phone to 'em, hit "record" and floated 'em over to gather evidence. Your idea.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-09 his 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-09 Pub. Date: 2017-07-09
Image Number: 159502
Caption: It's hard to debunk the whole "fake news" thing when so-called "journalists" keep lying, or keep not correcting their "mistakes" take Joy-Ann Reid, for instance. Who she? She has a show on MSNBC. The other week, after that former Bernie-supporter shot at those congressmen ... somebody tweeted "too soon to mention Bernie owes his entire political career to the NRA? Particularly his support of assault rifles his R opponent decried?" "Journalist" Joy-Ann Reid retweeted that, adding "I hope we have the maturity as a country to confront facts like this at the same time we're thinking of victims and keeping level heads." But it wasn't a fact. Sanders opposed assault rifles. The NRA backed him in that one race to punish the Republican who'd just changed his position on assault rifles. A Vermont gun store owner said at the time, "At least [Bernie's] consistent" with his opposition to semi-automatic rifles. A simple Google search would've told her that, apparently Joy-Ann Reid doesn't even Joy-Ann read. This whole thing was so you could say that joke, wasn't it.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-28 his 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-28 Pub. Date: 2017-06-28
Image Number: 159710
Caption: Lemont's in Russia … President Putin asked that I answer all your journalist questions on his behalf. Get you to see we are not the boogeyman the American press has made us to be. If that fails, I am to poisoning you with rare gelsemium elefans death flower. Joking, joking, why you cannot take joke? Oh. Ok, then. Polonium-210 or throwing from balcony much more effective.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-26 his 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-26 Pub. Date: 2017-05-26
Image Number: 158344
Caption: … So Ace Peerless and I were parasailing, and out of nowhere, he took out his knife, cut his cords, and plummeted into the ocean. Of all the times I've had men run out in the middle of an argument, that was by far the most annoying. Susan, I said my old college roommate Rudy Park is a Russian spy, and a federal agent put me on a plane to Moscow to follow him and expose how he's helping Putin blackmail the president! Not being heard. That is my biggest pet peeve, Lemont. Ace knows that. Could you pick my son up from daycare?
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-19 his 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-19 Pub. Date: 2017-05-19
Image Number: 158080
Caption: Tyrone, do you recall the days when we panhandled outside the theater? Of course, Rosencrantz. I remember them vividly. They were performing "King Lear," the Shakespeare play about the angry, vain old king who slowly descended into madness. He carved up the kingdom and gifted it to his children. He gave the largest piece to the daughter who flattered him the most. What happened at the end of the play? I don't know. Why do you ask? Spare change?
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-17 his 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-17 Pub. Date: 2017-05-17
Image Number: 158078
Caption: I had a dream last night, Clyde. Want to hear about it? Not sure. Last time you told me 'bout one of your dreams, it was some sci-fi nonsense 'bout you travelin' back in time to save Abraham Lincoln. This one wasn't about time travel, it was about how Trump keeps firing everyone who says they have info on his Russia scandal. Well ... ok. Go. A woman named Harbinger traveled through time and across the multiverse to collect a team of awesome journalists who could uncover the truth. Stop.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-15 his 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-15 Pub. Date: 2017-05-15
Image Number: 158076
Caption: This just in: A week's worth of oil has been found deep beneath Canardville, a suburb of Candorville. Oil companie … click. Photo of the Trump sons, Uday and Qusay, hunting an endangered bearicorn. The elusive half-bear, half-unicorn hybrid was once thought to be a myth, but ... Click. Putin appoints the notorious oligarch Kovarstvo Prestupnik to head up the newly created "Ministry of Blackmailing White House Stooges." Click. Gilligaaaaan, the Skipper tooooo ... the millionaaaaire ... and his wiiiiiiiiife ...
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-01 his 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-01 Pub. Date: 2017-05-01
Image Number: 157545
Caption: The Associated Press is fake news. And now we have iron-clad proof. We do? They "interviewed" Trump, but all of his answers were total gibberish. Completely unintelligible. Clearly, their fake-news-generating machine went haywire and just threw together a bunch of random nouns and adverbs. (Sigh) Trump is so going to win in 2020. I'm leading a mob to the AP building to burn the machine at the stake.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-30 his 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-30 Pub. Date: 2017-04-30
Image Number: 156792
Caption: What brings you to therapy … "Steve"? I feel like everything is slipping out of my clutches. Dr. Noodle. I spent years cozying up to the boss, isolating him from the advice of others, stoking his paranoia. I subtly convinced him that everyone was against him and that he could trust no one but me and his family, and even they were a little fishy. I had him in the palm of my hand. I said "buy," he bought. I said "sell," he sold. I said "destroy," and he ruined the lives of the people I said were his enemies. I was the most powerful man in the world! I was the man behind the throne! Did I say I charge $100 an hour? I meant to say $1,000. But then I made the mistake of turning off his tv in the middle of Finding Dory. It's his favorite movie.
     
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