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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-04 head 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-04 Pub. Date: 2017-08-04
Image Number: 161034
Caption: Why you always readin' that newspaper, Big L? Because I want to know what's happening in the world. Why? A man only has so much room in his head; why fill it up with stuff that ain't got spit to do with you? You ever seen a hamster worryin' about global warming? No, he just want his pine nuts. Hamsters don't eat "pine nuts," Clyde. See? Why you even know that? You ain't never had no hamster.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-09 head 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-09 Pub. Date: 2017-07-09
Image Number: 159502
Caption: It's hard to debunk the whole "fake news" thing when so-called "journalists" keep lying, or keep not correcting their "mistakes" take Joy-Ann Reid, for instance. Who she? She has a show on MSNBC. The other week, after that former Bernie-supporter shot at those congressmen ... somebody tweeted "too soon to mention Bernie owes his entire political career to the NRA? Particularly his support of assault rifles his R opponent decried?" "Journalist" Joy-Ann Reid retweeted that, adding "I hope we have the maturity as a country to confront facts like this at the same time we're thinking of victims and keeping level heads." But it wasn't a fact. Sanders opposed assault rifles. The NRA backed him in that one race to punish the Republican who'd just changed his position on assault rifles. A Vermont gun store owner said at the time, "At least [Bernie's] consistent" with his opposition to semi-automatic rifles. A simple Google search would've told her that, apparently Joy-Ann Reid doesn't even Joy-Ann read. This whole thing was so you could say that joke, wasn't it.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-15 head 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-15 Pub. Date: 2017-05-15
Image Number: 158076
Caption: This just in: A week's worth of oil has been found deep beneath Canardville, a suburb of Candorville. Oil companie … click. Photo of the Trump sons, Uday and Qusay, hunting an endangered bearicorn. The elusive half-bear, half-unicorn hybrid was once thought to be a myth, but ... Click. Putin appoints the notorious oligarch Kovarstvo Prestupnik to head up the newly created "Ministry of Blackmailing White House Stooges." Click. Gilligaaaaan, the Skipper tooooo ... the millionaaaaire ... and his wiiiiiiiiife ...
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-08 head 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-08 Pub. Date: 2017-05-08
Image Number: 157807
Caption: Do you know why I'm headed to the hospital right now? Um … no … you ok? No, I'm not. I'm headed there to give them this huge check, thanks to Obamacare. I like to deliver it in person, so I can glare at them disapprovingly. The opposition as pretty much completely fallen apart. Also, I think my appendix may have exploded.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-05 head 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-05 Pub. Date: 2017-04-05
Image Number: 156467
Caption: I'm heading to DC to report on the Democratic party's filibuster against that judge Trump's appointed to the stolen Supreme Court seat. And then I'm going to cover how they all boldly signed on to Bernie Sanders' Medicare-for-All bill. Wait … are you being sarcastic? Then I'm going to cover their stunning refusal to accept any more Wall Street bribes.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-12 head 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-12 Pub. Date: 2017-03-12
Image Number: 154859
Caption: What's wrong, Lemont? I think I'm done watching "The Flash." You know, the superhero who can run faster than a bullet. I just saw the episode where he has to fight someone who could teleport. But she could only teleport if she could see where she was going. After the Flash figured that out, he did all these things to limit her field of vision. He ran all around knocking out street lights, for instance. He did all sorts of things to make sure she couldn't see. All sorts of things ... except putting a bag over the villain's head. Well that would've been a pretty short episode. I'd rather have five minutes of brilliance than 45 minutes of not putting a bag over the villain's head.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-13 head 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-13 Pub. Date: 2016-11-13
Image Number: 150252
Caption: Your suggestion didn't work, Susan. Thinking about baseball should have worked. Did you do it right? What do you mean? Did you think of the boring, repetitive parts? I tried. I thought about the batter swinging the bat around in the on-deck circle … the runners going around and around the diamond ... the batters swinging and almost always missing ... but instead of distracting me, it relaxed me. It wasn't boring, Susan. It was rhythmic. Baseball is a Zen-like experience that puts you into a trance. It frees the mind and makes it easier ... not harder ... for your mind to wander where you don't want it to go ... so it didn't stop me from wondering who's going to run for president in 2020. Ok, plan B: Try doing long division in your head.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-07 head 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-07 Pub. Date: 2016-11-07
Image Number: 150712
Caption: You've been in Canada six whole hours. When do I get to see you, Candorville? I can't wait any longer. How 'bout right now? I'm at the American Pub on Spite Street. It's a sketchy bar in the worst part of Gastown, where a bunch of American ex-pats and tourists can get together and act like they're still in the states. Censored you, you stupid liberal censored head! Censored my censored you censored Fascist! Wanna hang out with me while I cover election night for my news site? I can wait a little longer.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-25 head 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-25 Pub. Date: 2016-10-25
Image Number: 150195
Caption: This just in: New tapes show Donald Trump boasting about how, when you're a star, you can murder. Click … turns out new Wikileaks emails show Hillary Clinton met for two hours with donors from the barbaric planet Draco IV … Click … meteor heading straight for you. Your only hope at this point is to ... Click ... Gilligaaaan, the Skipper too ... the millionaire .... Mun mun mun.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-23 head 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-23 Pub. Date: 2016-10-23
Image Number: 149364
Caption: It all started when I spanked my two-year-old son. He was out of control. He was hitting and kicking and spitting. I tried everything. I tried a timeout. I tried redirection. I tried bribery. But when he threw a clock at his baby sister's head, I realized I had to do something drastic. So I swatted him once on the behind. Very lightly. For the rest of the day, he pointed at me and said "You don't hit me. That's bad. You say you're sorry." And I couldn't even argue, because that's exactly what I always told him to tell someone if they hit him. Part of being a parent is becoming comfortable with being a hypocrite. Is two too young for military school?
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-15 head 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-15 Pub. Date: 2016-09-15
Image Number: 148482
Caption: Hi. I'm Lemont. I'm on my way to the airport. Heading to Vancouver to spend a week with the girl of my dreams. O K It's weird how it feels like I haven't seen her in months. I mean, we text all the time. We send each other photos, too. Not "Anthony Weiner" style photos ... I'm talking completely tasteful stuff ... mostly. You're not really a "small talk" kind of guy are you?
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-08-14 head 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-08-14 Pub. Date: 2016-08-14
Image Number: 146528
Caption: It all started during the Republican National Convention, night two Dr. Noodle The night they put Hillary Clinton on fake trial. They found her "guilty" of everything from Benghazi to being the servant of the devil. I was just waiting for them to find her guilty of giving the empire the location of the rebel base on that ice planet. I couldn't stand her before, but all of the sudden, I became very pro-Hillary, and felt like I had to see her become president at all costs. It's only natural to want to come to someone's defense when you think they're being treated unfairly. I painted the hair on my Trump bobblehead blond.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-07-21 head 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-07-21 Pub. Date: 2016-07-21
Image Number: 146142
Caption: Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! What is it?! Are you ok?! I dweamt Donald Twump was a mean-head. And then he came into my dweam and towd me I wath a "total woother," an' I should wethign my job as your baby. That's the last time I let you watch the news. You're not a "total loser," son. I don't have another job lined up.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-30 head 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-30 Pub. Date: 2016-06-30
Image Number: 145231
Caption: Do you ever wonder whether you ever wonder? Stop it. I once thought I thoughts, but now I'm not sure I think I think. Stop it. I'm just saying, how do we know our thoughts are our own and not placed in our heads by a higher power? Aren't you the least bit curious about the curiosity known as "curiosity"? Stop it.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-10 head 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-10 Pub. Date: 2016-06-10
Image Number: 144223
Caption: You told Clyde how you met this chick from Vancouver. You told your therapist how you met her. You told the mailman how you met her. But you never told me. I'm supposed to be your best friend, Lemont. I thought we tell each other everything. Oh. Well, I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to plant a bunch of negative thoughts about her in my head. You always seem to despise any woman I date. That's not true. I thought Kimani was a lovely woman. Kimani? That was in preschool, Susan ... and you convinced me she was only interested in my Raggedy Andy.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-12-02 head 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-12-02 Pub. Date: 2015-12-02
Image Number: 135925
Caption: How do they get away with these despicable, monstrous lies? Donald Trump says he witnessed thousands of Arabs in New Jersey cheering as the Twin Towers fell on 9/11. And Ben Carson says he saw "newsreels" of that too. That never happened. We all remember what it was like that day. Crowds of Arab-Americans were not out in the streets of New Jersey cheering. To be fair, Trump and Carson were talking about the Arabs who live in their heads. Trump and Carson's head-Arabs aren't half as scary as they are.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-10-05 head 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-10-05 Pub. Date: 2015-10-05
Image Number: 133458
Caption: I flew to Vancouver last week to give a speech. I thought you hated public speaking. Yeah, but they asked me, and I have a hard time saying no to people. Well, I'm proud of you, Lemont. It's always a good idea to tackle your fears head-on. I got nervous and threw up on stage. I'm sure no one noticed.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-09-27 head 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-09-27 Pub. Date: 2015-09-27
Image Number: 132520
Caption: When someone says "Black Lives Matter," I respond by saying "All Lives Matter." Because I don't see color. But if you "don't see color," you can't see that young black men are far more likely to be shot unnecessarily by police than men of any other color. And you can't solve a problem if you can't even see it exists. It felt food to stand up for equality. So I didn't stop there. What do you mean? OWS protester love of red velvet cake. Daily Nut Job. Obama wet bed as child, covered it up. Goodnight Grandpa. I came across a "breast cancer survivor" meeting at the rec center. I poked my head in and shouted "All Cancer is Bad." By the looks on their faces, I could tell some of them realized they'd been totally horrible for acting like their cancer was so much more important than other cancers. Also confesses to having red "Little Red Riding Hood." Exoneration. I came across a funeral this morning, and after the eulogy I reminded the family that all people die, and that it's wrong of them to act like this one was more special than the rest of us. Has aversion to pepper spray. Why?
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-08-11 head 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-08-11 Pub. Date: 2015-08-11
Image Number: 130934
Caption: Robin Thicke's new girlfriend looks an awful lot like his ex-wife Paula Patton. That's so textbook. Textbook? It's right out of chapter 7 of The Guy's Guide to Breakups by Randy "The Rock" Taylor. Chapter 7's called "You Can't Miss Her if You're Dating Her Clone." I really don't want to talk about Robin Thicke. I'm trying to give you a head's up, Susan. Every man's a little bit Thicke.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-07-23 head 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-07-23 Pub. Date: 2015-07-23
Image Number: 129959
Caption: I read ain't nobody bought that new Janet Jackson song, "No Sleeep". An' Mariah Carey' an' Jennifer Lopez' new stuff ain't catchin' fire neither. It like the country decide to automatically reject anything that was big in the nineties, bruh. Wait is this what you meant when you said you had "evidence" Hillary Clinton is going to lose? Just thought you'd want a heads-up.
     
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