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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-07-16 going 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-07-16 Pub. Date: 2018-07-16
Image Number: 172925
Caption: You think my latest story's going to get me in trouble? Candorville.com. Exclusive! Journalist who may or may not be me breaks into Mayor Thump's top-secret refugee prison, exposes horrid conditions. Nah, I think you'll be fine. Cops pulled me over three times today. Coincidence. I was on skates.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-07-15 going 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-07-15 Pub. Date: 2018-07-15
Image Number: 172919
Caption: Hey, Rudy. How's it going? I'm not allowed to say. Today's Special. Latte + 1hr web $12.50. What? I failed to read the fine print. The boss pointed out to me that the contract I signed back in 2001 forbids me from chatting with the customers about non-coffee-or-food-related issues. Sub-addendum H specifically said that every time I'm caught talking about how it's going I have to pay the boss $5. So ... in other words you just told me how it's going. Loophole! That'll be $5.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-01 going 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-01 Pub. Date: 2018-06-01
Image Number: 171949
Caption: How's your girlfriend's book tour going, Lemont? It's … wait … Why'd you think quotation marks around girlfriend and book tour? We have no evidence I did that. Yeah we do. I've known you since we were six. I know all your inflections. I guess you do. You're very perceptive. Stop that.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-04 going 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-04 Pub. Date: 2018-05-04
Image Number: 171056
Caption: I read our article about how lead poisoning might be one of the main causes of violent crimes in Chicago and other cities. I liked the cost-benefit analysis part the best … where you compared the cot of replacing our cities' lead pipes vs. the cost of incarcerating criminals who were raised near those lead pipes. I bet you're going to win a Pulitzer for this one, Lemont. I wonder if there's any lead in that trophy.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-22 going 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-22 Pub. Date: 2018-04-22
Image Number: 170147
Caption: Here we have a fabulous, publicly owned power grid. It served an island that was home to 3 million American citizens, until it was devastated by a natural disaster. Bidding starts at $3 billion. $3 billion! $4 billion! We have $4 billion. $4 billion going once ... $4 billion going twice ... Sold, to the gentleman from Foreignvania, for $4 billion! Is this the room where they're auctioning off Captain Picard's flute for Star Trek? You want the Macarthur Ballroom. 3rd floor. Here we have a fabulous-but-devastated public education system ...
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-16 going 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-16 Pub. Date: 2018-04-16
Image Number: 170574
Caption: 2016. Trump's not going to win. Not worried about him. That's why you should worry about him!!! What do you mean? Every time an impossible candidate wins, it's because people didn't worry about him. No one worried about Nixon. Nixon was a has-been. No one worried about Reagan. Reagan was a joke. Barack Obama ... he was nobody. 2018. No way President Trump can survive all these scandals. Thanks, you've just doomed us all.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-07 going 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-07 Pub. Date: 2018-04-07
Image Number: 170153
Caption: You know a good way to tell your friend his breath remind you of barnyard animals? My breath is just fine, Clyde. You sound defensive, bruh. Of course, I do. You said something about me that isn't true, so I'm defending myself. That's what's wrong with America: Every time an innocent person defends himself, people say that's proof he's guilty. There you go again with your defense-tivity. Your breath must be worse than I though. I'm going to quit while I'm behind.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-04 going 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-04 Pub. Date: 2018-04-04
Image Number: 170150
Caption: Because of Donald Trump, I'm taking my son and I'm moving to New Zealand. Canada, bruh. Erebody always say they movin' to Canada if someone they don't like be president. Trump's a bully. The whole world knows it. One day he's going to threaten the wrong country, and then it'll be Armageddon. You overreactin', bruh, for real. Maybe. Anyway New Zealand should be far enough from the nuclear fallout.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-03-31 going 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-03-31 Pub. Date: 2018-03-31
Image Number: 169890
Caption: Sure, there are probably aliens. But why would they want to come here? The answer's obvious. How many of us tune in to insipid reality shows like The Bachelor and Real Housewives? If there's on thing we should all be able to agree on, it's that world history's been a bit melodramatic. We can't be the only species enthralled by the eternal question: What the @#$% is going on over there?
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-03-11 going 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-03-11 Pub. Date: 2018-03-11
Image Number: 168713
Caption: The president wants a big giant military parade. The president wants to cut food stamps. A lot of the military is on food stamps, how's the military going to have the energy to march in his big giant parade? Maybe he gonna put a bag of carrots at the finish line.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-03-09 going 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-03-09 Pub. Date: 2018-03-09
Image Number: 169167
Caption: So did you go get a doctor to check out that thing on your thingamajig? Sort of. I uploaded a photo of the thing to Google image search, so I could figure it out on my own. It's either a pimple, a cyst, or a Martian volcano. The technology isn't perfect, but it saved me a trip to the hospital. Dios mio ... you're going to die.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-02-17 going 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-02-17 Pub. Date: 2018-02-17
Image Number: 168418
Caption: I realized this morning I'm not nineteen anymore, Susan. I was riding my bike faster than I had in years. I was flying! Pedaling hard and strong. I'd just hit warp speed … when an actual nineteen-year-old zoomed past me going twice as fast. He wasn't even breaking a sweat. I'm sure he was working hard too, Lemont. He was sipping a Slurpee and dribbling a basketball.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-28 going 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-28 Pub. Date: 2018-01-28
Image Number: 167088
Caption: Hi, I just got a notice that I owe $30k t the city in past freelance taxes. That's right. Because you didn't file as a business between 2007 and 2013. I wasn't a business. I was a reporter for a newspaper. They paid you with a 1099 instead of W-2. That makes you a business. They paid me with a 1099 so they could get away with not giving me benefits, and so they wouldn't have to give me paid time off! That doesn't mean I was running a business! Yes it does. I see you earned less than $100k per year. You wouldn't owe us anything if you filed for an exemption during the years you owed those taxes. You never told me this tax even existed! I'm not gonna pay you $30,000 for a tax I didn't owe just because you never told me I didn't owe it! You're right, sir. If you include the penalties, you're actually gonna pay us $38,000. You're going to make me become a Republican! You know that, right?! There's no special exemption for Republicans.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-07 going 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-07 Pub. Date: 2018-01-07
Image Number: 166341
Caption: I saw that article you wrote about net neutrality being killed. What a bunch of whiny, panicky snowflakery. You wrote "get ready to pay extra to stream your favorite shows and make internet calls." Yeah. Before net neutrality, AT&T throttled Skye and didn't stop until pressured by the FCC and consumers. You scared? You wrote "get ready to pay a fee to connect your smart home to the internet." That's right ... Without net neutrality, there are no rules to prevent your ISP from charging you whatever fees they want. Maybe you need a safe space where the big bad ISP can't get to your piggy bank. You know, you're kind of rude. Oh, you're going to get personal now? You've clearly lost the debate if you have to resort to personal attacks. What the -- you got personal. I was just ... (sigh) ... oh, forget it. Don't get upset. I just won the Gaslighting Association's Internet-Arguing World Championship. I'm just celebrating.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-25 going 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-25 Pub. Date: 2017-12-25
Image Number: 166533
Caption: Merry Christmas … Yeah, I said it. Put that in your secularist pipe and smoke it. #LOL! #Youlose. Bet that really gets you upset, doesn't it? Not really. I love Christmas. I'm having a Christmas party tonight. My little boy's going to be an elf. I'm going to be Rudolph the Reindeer. Yeah, right. Like I believe that ... Would you like to come? Yes ... I mean, someone has to prove your "party" is a ruse!
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-20 going 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-20 Pub. Date: 2017-12-20
Image Number: 166285
Caption: Lemont … I hope you don't feel weird about the fact that I just wrote a novel in six days. Of course not, Susan. Why would I fee weird about that, just 'cause I've been writing all my life, and it always takes me months or years. And you're not bothered that all the biggest publishers are bidding in the six figures for it? 'Course not ... And you don't feel weird at all that it's already going to be turned into a movie? Censored censored I mean ... I am so censored censored happy for you.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-29 going 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-29 Pub. Date: 2017-11-29
Image Number: 165419
Caption: I did a quick Google search. You've got nothing to worry about, Susan. It doesn't have to be dementia. You mom's memory loss could be caused by anything. Lack of sleep … medicines … underactive thyroid … stress and anxiety … depression … alcohol … you know your mom likes her brandy ... Not that I'm saying your mom might be an alcoholic ... although if you find a bunch of bottles hidden under her bed, it might comfort you ... or not ... I'm going to stop talking now.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-26 going 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-26 Pub. Date: 2017-11-26
Image Number: 165350
Caption: Women and men are coming forward and exposing all the powerful guys who've sexually harassed them. Its making me feel awfully worried and guilty. Dr. Noodle. Why? I'm worried that at any moment, a victim is going to come forward and ruin my life. That's natural. Think about it this way, though. If whoever it is you abused does come forward, you'll have a chance to come clean and clear your conscience. Huh? I've never abused anyone. I'm confused. I've already lost "House of Cards." This seems to be so pervasive, I could lose everything I spend my life watching. What'll I lose next, "Walking Dead"? "Man in the High Castle"? ... If they take "Big Bang Theory" my life'll pretty much be over. Just curious: Have you ever heard the phrases "get a life" and "it's not about you"? Hence the guilt.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-24 going 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-24 Pub. Date: 2017-11-24
Image Number: 165151
Caption: You look like Big Bird. Excuse me? No I don't. And didn't your mom ever tell you not to talk to strangers? You're not a stranger. You're Big Bird. I've been watching you all my life. I. Am. Not. Big Bird. Sing "Riding a Tricycle," Big Bird. I'm not going to ask twice. It's my day off, kid.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-19 going 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-19 Pub. Date: 2017-11-19
Image Number: 164467
Caption: Great-looking hair, made easy. Just dye. We now return to our program. How much time do I have to save the kitten, bring Timmy his inhaler, and defuse the nuclear bomb? You have a lot less time than you did before you started that sentence. We'll be back after these messages ... I'm rally psyched Little Tyrant Pizza's bringing the flavor with its new pecan guacamole dipping sauce! A guy, a beach, a skateboard. A girl bouncing in slow motion. And these corn chips that have nothing to do with any of that. Buy them. Six other commercials that go on so long that you don't remember what show you're watching. Going back to Netflixing everything. And now back to our show ... What were we doing? Defusing something or other, I think.
     
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