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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-20 go out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-20 Pub. Date: 2017-09-20
Image Number: 162850
Caption: All children go through a crisis when they first realize their parents aren't perfect. Tell me about it. Dr. Noodle. After Lionel calmed down, I convinced him I wasn't purposely trying to kill the neighbor by selling him a microwave that might cause cancer ... or at least I thought I did. That night, flashing lights and a siren woke me from a deep slumber. I looked out the window ad say the police and the coroner were at the neighbor's apartment. It's a good idea to hide the phone for the duration of the crisis. Scribble scrib - Lionel later told be he'd called anonymously, using the name "Daniel Tiger," so I wouldn't get locked up. He's so smart.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-01 go out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-01 Pub. Date: 2017-09-01
Image Number: 162091
Caption: Hey, Clyde. Wanna go hang out on the roof? Don’t you do that with Susan? Where she at? She's not talking to me right now. I told her I couldn't just take Joss Whedon's wife's account of their marriage at face value, because people sometimes don't tell the entire truth. Them's your mistake, bruh. You shoulda had just one thing to say 'bout the whole issue: "I don't care 'bout that." I think that's a dangerous philosophy. If something's in the news we've got to care. Wanna know why? I don't care 'bout that.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-10 go out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-10 Pub. Date: 2017-08-10
Image Number: 161294
Caption: You remember the other day, when I said we're behind a lot of other countries in a lot of areas? Well, I wrote an article about that for Candorville.com. Within 15 minutes, I counted over 3,000 replies that included a variant of the phrase "If you don't like it here, go someplace else." So I did a little more research, and then posted an article about how we're far behind a lot of other countries in "going someplace else." ... That's when I found out we're number one in the amount of angry comments posted in all-caps. I been out of the state once. That was weird.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-01 go out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-01 Pub. Date: 2017-07-01
Image Number: 159713
Caption: Lemont's in Russia … Hi Vancouver, how'd your book signing go? Amazing. How's your Russia story? Eye-opening. After I interviewed the blackmailer, the hackers, the oligarch, and a Kremlin goon, I interviewed a bunch of average Russians to find out why they're cool with being led by an autocratic narcissist with delusions of Czardom ... because he's made Russia great again. I wish I could've been there for you, babe ... me too.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-10 go out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-10 Pub. Date: 2017-06-10
Image Number: 158830
Caption: Turns out we're going to land at the North Pole after all. We're out of fuel. But you said the airport melted. We have no choice. President Trump bombed the only other landing strip we could've used, to send a message to the dictator Santa Clause. We would've used a landing strip to send a message to the dictator? No, no ... Trump bombed it to send a message. You need to work on your grammar. Not the point.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-29 go out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-29 Pub. Date: 2017-05-29
Image Number: 158600
Caption: Please store your personal electronics. Can we take them back out yet? No. How 'bout now? No. How 'bout now? No. Can't you people go twenty minutes without staring into your beeping rectangles? No!
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-16 go out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-16 Pub. Date: 2017-04-16
Image Number: 156261
Caption: I read your article about the "Russian-y Hall" scandal. I have a question. Fire away, Susan. Why "Russian-y Hall"? Why not "Russiagate"? That's your question? Not "How did you find out all that info about Trump's staffers colluding with Russia?" Not "How did you get all those interviews with the Russians who bought hundreds of millions of dollars' worth of Trump real estate in Florida?" (Sigh) ... Fine ... The Trump scandals are more reminiscent of the 19th century Tammany Hall corruption than they are of Watergate. I explained all that in the first paragraph. I thought you said you read the article! Well, I sort of didn't go any further than the "Russian-y Hall or Russian-Pot Dome?" headline.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-10 go out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-10 Pub. Date: 2017-04-10
Image Number: 156718
Caption: 1982. My momma said her friend Linda has breast cancer. How's she know? Planned Parenthood told her so. Which is weird. What does cancer have to do with parenthood? They do lots of things there. My mom goes there. That's how they found out she had high blood pleasure. Although I'm not sure why they all acted like that was a bad thing. Grownups never make any sense to me either.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-12 go out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-12 Pub. Date: 2017-03-12
Image Number: 154859
Caption: What's wrong, Lemont? I think I'm done watching "The Flash." You know, the superhero who can run faster than a bullet. I just saw the episode where he has to fight someone who could teleport. But she could only teleport if she could see where she was going. After the Flash figured that out, he did all these things to limit her field of vision. He ran all around knocking out street lights, for instance. He did all sorts of things to make sure she couldn't see. All sorts of things ... except putting a bag over the villain's head. Well that would've been a pretty short episode. I'd rather have five minutes of brilliance than 45 minutes of not putting a bag over the villain's head.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-05 go out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-05 Pub. Date: 2017-02-05
Image Number: 153474
Caption: Larry Wilcox ain't happy 'bout that new Chips movie, dawg. Larry who? Larry Wilcox, bruh. Can't believe you ain't remember "Jon" from Chips. Ponch & Jon, bruh, you know. Anyway … I saw the trailer, I laughed, ain't gonna lie. But then I checked his Facebook, like I often do. You do? Often? He pointed out this ain't nothin' like the show he was on. The one we watched when we was kids. An' he right. An' it got me thinkin' about all these reboots. Why they always takin' serious shows an' rebooting them as comedies? Why can't they go the other direction? I think I speak for us all when I say I wanna see a dark, gritty remake of Mr. Belvedere. I'm not sure "us all" means what you think it means.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-01 go out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-01 Pub. Date: 2017-01-01
Image Number: 152168
Caption: Well ... the Great Author in the Sky has given us another year, brotha. What're you gonna do with it? Are you gonna be a more humble person? Are you going to try and figure out why you're here -- what you're supposed to accomplish? Are you going to shed yourself of anyone and anything in your life that doesn't help you fulfill your purpose on earth? Are you going to use every day as a chance to become who you're meant to be? I'ma take a nap. (Sigh) I guess some people are meant to be couches.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-17 go out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-17 Pub. Date: 2016-12-17
Image Number: 152115
Caption: She's going to find out I'm just a huge geek. I'm gonna blow this just like always. Face it, tiger … You just hit the jackpot. Get it? From amazing Spider-man #42. I always wanted to do that with the right guy. Oh no, you must think I'm a huge geek. I blew it, didn't I? I think I want to have your babies.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-12 go out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-12 Pub. Date: 2016-12-12
Image Number: 152110
Caption: Lemont! It's so good to hear your voice! How's Canada? How's your girlfriend? I haven't seen her yet. You know how hectic travel can be. First my plane was late … then I had to work … Then I ran into a bunch of me's from alternate universes who all warned me not to visit my girlfriend. Y'know ... the usual. Dios mio. Get out of your hotel and go see her!
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-04 go out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-04 Pub. Date: 2016-12-04
Image Number: 151096
Caption: The other day, somebody in a red Trump hat actually to me to "Go back where you came from, n*****." I'm not surprised. That's been happening a lot. Trump's election encouraged white supremacists everywhere to come out of the shadows. They think it's their day again. Well this ain't Selma, an' I ain't Martin Luther the King. That fool found that out right quick, bruh. This ain't 1965. This here 2016. Fools better know "n*****s" be armed now. Oh god, Clyde! What did you do?! What did you do?! You had a gun?! No, I had an iPhone. I recorded the whole thing. Put it on Youtube. In just two hours, that fool got fired. Oh. Maybe we should all be packing iPhones for the next four years.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-01 go out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-01 Pub. Date: 2016-12-01
Image Number: 151553
Caption: 2016 turned out to be our best year in recorded history. Well … American history, anyway. We still have a ways to go before we match what the German branch did back in the '30s. Fear, Inc. But still … we convinced half the country that savages were either coming to kill them or take their jobs. And we convinced the other half that most of the country is racist and hateful. We also got Kanye West to completely flip out onstage. I'm proud of that one. Fear, Inc.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-17 go out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-17 Pub. Date: 2016-10-17
Image Number: 149904
Caption: Hi Vancouver. Hi Candorville. Are you here?? I'm looking out my window, I don't see you. No, I'm still at your airport. Waiting to go through customs. What? You landed twelve hours ago. I got in the wrong line. I was in the line for Americans seeking refugee status on account of Trump. Asylum seekers. Tourists.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-16 go out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-16 Pub. Date: 2016-10-16
Image Number: 149095
Caption: It's like he's not even the same man I married. Dr. Noodle. How so? He used to mow the lawn every week. Sometimes every day. Sometimes even three or four times a day. He used to come home from work, go straight into the shed, whip out that lawn mower and ride around on the grass for hours and hours and hours. It was a new lawn mower. I was excited about it. But now it doesn't run as well as it used to. Have you thought of getting pills? They make pills to keep Kentucky Bluegrass from getting overgrown? What? What? If it's so important to you, go get someone else to mow it.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-10 go out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-10 Pub. Date: 2016-10-10
Image Number: 149609
Caption: So, why're you going to Vancouver? What was that? Can't … breathe … Well … I'm going 'cause it's the one city I've never worked out in.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-09 go out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-09 Pub. Date: 2016-09-09
Image Number: 148218
Caption: I think my son's ready to learn a sport. Whachoo gon' teach him, Lemont? You gon' teach him to bounce the ball off his foot an' chase after it 'fore it go in the street? Or you gon' teach him to get the ball swatted out his hand when he try to shoot? Or you gon' teach him to miss the rim an' the backboard altogether? None of that has ever happened. In the same game. You gon' teach him to make his one an' only shot in the wrong basket?
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-08-25 go out 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-08-25 Pub. Date: 2016-08-25
Image Number: 147665
Caption: C-Dog don't never dream 'cause dreamin' just make real life worse, Big L. Let's say I dream I can stand on a corner or walk across the street without some cop bothering me. Then when I wake up, no matter where I go, there some cop lookin' out his car window at me, just waiting for a reason to "put me in my place." If I don't dream things can be better, then I ain't never disappointed. I know what you mean. Last night I dreamt you weren't depressing.
     
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