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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-15 go bad 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-15 Pub. Date: 2019-07-15
Image Number: 178559
Caption: Scientists recently discovered billions of tons of bacteria and microbes living hundreds of meters inside earth. You're not going to tell some joke about this being a groundbreaking discovery, are you? Of … course … I'm not. Good. That would be beneath me. Dios mio.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-04-12 go bad 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-04-12 Pub. Date: 2019-04-12
Image Number: 177117
Caption: What you just say life is? A parade of air-bursting bolides. When an extremely bright meteor hurtles toward earth, it's a bolide. If it blows up when it enters our atmosphere instead of impacting the surface … that's an airburst. Every opportunity we miss. Every time we narrowly avoid death. Every time we didn't eat a burrito that had just gone bad ... You tellin' me that burrito I snuck from you was old? Some bolides explode elsewhere.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-01-19 go bad 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-01-19 Pub. Date: 2019-01-19
Image Number: 175845
Caption: I've never had so many people tell me to go !@#$ myself in my whole entire life, Susan. All I did was write an article called It's Time to Make Private Schools Illegal. You did what? The theory is, if the children of millionaires and billionaires had to go to public school, you can bet they'd make sure our public school systems were amazing. It's not a bad idea. Half the comments I got misspelled !@#$. So I wrote another article about how that proved my point.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-10 go bad 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-10 Pub. Date: 2018-10-10
Image Number: 174389
Caption: I think the worst part of being dumped is the thought that you'll just fade away. I mean, you go from being the most important person in someone's life, to being a memory. It's a slow death. You know that every day you become more and more of a distant memory. Until sooner or later ... you're just gone. One of my exes once told me that. I don't remember which one. Maybe you just have a bad memory, Lemont.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-26 go bad 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-26 Pub. Date: 2018-06-26
Image Number: 172488
Caption: I said, I'm a reporter and I want to come down and interview refugees at the detention facility. I'm sorry, you're breaking up. What did you say? Are you stalling for time and hoping I'll give up and go away? 'Cause that' what it seems like you're doing. I can't ... hear y ... must b ... a bad c ... nection. You just paused a bunch of times. It was obvious. No it w ... not.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-15 go bad 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-15 Pub. Date: 2018-06-15
Image Number: 172216
Caption: I got a tip about a huge geological calamity that's about to happen across the bridge. This story could make my site famous. Could you watch my boy while I go cover it? 'Course, bruh. For $4,000. Cool … what? I been reading Trump's Art of the Deal. It say if a brotha want something bad enough, charge him fifty times your usual fee. Are you sure that's in there? I demand to know what page. Ok. How much that information worth to you?
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-09 go bad 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-09 Pub. Date: 2018-05-09
Image Number: 171291
Caption: This is NASA. If you're calling to ask why we abruptly canceled our lunar rover mission, press 1. Otherwise, press 2. Boop. If you're a normal human, press 2. Otherwise, press 1. Boop. We have done as you commanded. We won't go anywhere near the polar region. Please accept our apology. Please?? Oh. Wait ... my bad. I thought I'd be pressing 2. If you're a normal human who mistakenly pressed 1, please stay right where you are. Can't we just pretend I pressed 2.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-07 go bad 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-07 Pub. Date: 2018-04-07
Image Number: 170153
Caption: You know a good way to tell your friend his breath remind you of barnyard animals? My breath is just fine, Clyde. You sound defensive, bruh. Of course, I do. You said something about me that isn't true, so I'm defending myself. That's what's wrong with America: Every time an innocent person defends himself, people say that's proof he's guilty. There you go again with your defense-tivity. Your breath must be worse than I though. I'm going to quit while I'm behind.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-02-19 go bad 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-02-19 Pub. Date: 2018-02-19
Image Number: 168660
Caption: North Korea just detonated a hydrogen bomb and warned that it's ready to go to war. Click. An alarming new study proves that something in your apartment is almost certain to cause elbow cancer. Stay tuned to find out what it is. Click. The dwarf planet Ceres seems to have broken orbit and is plummeting straight toward earth. Stay tu ... Click. " ... Gilligaaaan, the Skipper toooo, the millionaire, and his wiiiiiiiife ... "
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-17 go bad 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-17 Pub. Date: 2018-01-17
Image Number: 167357
Caption: I'm not in love with my girlfriend anymore. How do I fix that? C-Dog's Incredibly Bad Advice 50¢. Here what you do, bruh: Pretend she ain't your girlfriend. Pretend she the hot single women you first noticed. You mean try to look at her with fresh eyes again? I meant go see other women ... but that could work too. (Originally published on 2015-12-30)
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-07 go bad 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-07 Pub. Date: 2018-01-07
Image Number: 166341
Caption: I saw that article you wrote about net neutrality being killed. What a bunch of whiny, panicky snowflakery. You wrote "get ready to pay extra to stream your favorite shows and make internet calls." Yeah. Before net neutrality, AT&T throttled Skye and didn't stop until pressured by the FCC and consumers. You scared? You wrote "get ready to pay a fee to connect your smart home to the internet." That's right ... Without net neutrality, there are no rules to prevent your ISP from charging you whatever fees they want. Maybe you need a safe space where the big bad ISP can't get to your piggy bank. You know, you're kind of rude. Oh, you're going to get personal now? You've clearly lost the debate if you have to resort to personal attacks. What the -- you got personal. I was just ... (sigh) ... oh, forget it. Don't get upset. I just won the Gaslighting Association's Internet-Arguing World Championship. I'm just celebrating.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-29 go bad 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-29 Pub. Date: 2017-12-29
Image Number: 166537
Caption: You do it all the time, bruh. You convinced yourself you loved Justice League an' Batman v Superman. You convinced y'self you like Ghostbusters 2. You convinced y'self you liked From Justice to Kelly … From Justin to Kelly was criminally underrated. I ain't never seen no one so unwilling to admit he got bad taste. As musical romantic comedies starring American Idol competitors go, it was by far the best.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-24 go bad 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-24 Pub. Date: 2017-10-24
Image Number: 164148
Caption: Hobbler Day Care. Saul Crusher speaking. Yeah, I'm Lemont Brown. Lionel's dad … Yeah, two-year-old Lionel. He told me you said he was "bad" because he didn't want to go to sleep at nap time. When you tell a kid so early in his life that he's "bad," it affects how he sees himself. I don't pay you $500 per week to ruin my baby boy's self-esteem. When I say "you're a bad caregiver," how does that feel? Imagine if you were only two.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-10 go bad 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-10 Pub. Date: 2017-04-10
Image Number: 156718
Caption: 1982. My momma said her friend Linda has breast cancer. How's she know? Planned Parenthood told her so. Which is weird. What does cancer have to do with parenthood? They do lots of things there. My mom goes there. That's how they found out she had high blood pleasure. Although I'm not sure why they all acted like that was a bad thing. Grownups never make any sense to me either.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-22 go bad 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-22 Pub. Date: 2016-12-22
Image Number: 152372
Caption: Why won't you tell me any details about your rendezvous with "Vancouver"? It's because you want to know so badly. Your eyes get all wide and you seem to feel you're about to hear something amazing. That's an awful lot of pressure, Susan. It makes it hard for me to get going. Don't feel bad. That happens to all storytellers, Lemont. It's never happened to me before.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-18 go bad 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-18 Pub. Date: 2016-10-18
Image Number: 149905
Caption: No, baby, don't feel bad. You WERE going to pick me up. It's not your fault my flight was delayed. Taxi queue. Besides, I have a phone interview with Donald Trump now, so I don't have time for you anyway. Besides, every moment I don't see you makes me long for you even more. Can we wrap this up? I have a call to make! Ohhh, you're so sweet!
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-08-08 go bad 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-08-08 Pub. Date: 2016-08-08
Image Number: 147065
Caption: I remember I used to have hobbies. I used to collect comics, I used to read, I used to bike, I used to go to the movies … I played tennis, I played cards, I shot pool, I whittled little Vulcan hand salutes out of driftwood … But once I had a kid, that all changed. I can't remember the last time I did any of that. It's like all I do all day is make sure he doesn't drop dead. Take some time off from that. C-Dog's Incredibly Bad Advice $2.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-05-27 go bad 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-05-27 Pub. Date: 2016-05-27
Image Number: 143641
Caption: It's too bad the National Cartoonists Society's awards ceremony happens to be in Memphis tomorrow. Tennessee just passed a law allowing therapists to discriminate against lesbian, gay, and transgender people. So now these hundreds of cartoonists are going to be basically supporting a new Jim Crow state. Every hamburger will have segregation sauce. Every glass of booze will be a glass of separate-but-equal. Every Snickers they pull from the minibar will taste of nougaty injustice. I'm getting very hungry.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-03-05 go bad 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-03-05 Pub. Date: 2016-03-05
Image Number: 139629
Caption: You know a good way to tell your friend his breath remind you of barnyard animals? My breath is just fine, Clyde. You sound defensive, bruh. Of course I do. You said something about me that isn't true, so I'm defending myself. That's what's wrong with America: Every time an innocent person defends himself, people say that's proof he's guilty. There you go again with your defense-tivity. Your breath must be worse that I thought. I'm going to quit while I'm behind.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-12-30 go bad 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-12-30 Pub. Date: 2015-12-30
Image Number: 137115
Caption: I'm not in love with my girlfriend anymore. How do I fix that? C-Dog's Incredibly Bad Advice 50¢. Here what you do, bruh: Pretend she ain't your girlfriend. Pretend she the hot single women you first noticed. You mean try to look at her with fresh eyes again? I meant go see other women ... but that could work too.
     
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