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Rudy Park

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101. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2016-11-27 give 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2016-11-27 Pub. Date: 2016-11-27
Image Number: 150586
Caption: You've reached Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you? It's an emergency, Doctor Randy! I see a beautiful, sexy, confident, smiling lady at the end of the bar. Hold on, she … yeah she totally just looked at me. What do I do? Absolutely nothing. It took you 6.2 seconds to tell me she looked at you and to ask me what you should do about it. My exhaustive research has proven a man has only six seconds to respond affirmatively to a look of interest. After that, he'll either lose his nerve or whatever response he gives will seem rehearsed. Your best move now is Randy's Recovery #67: First, gaze off into the distance as if you're a tortured soul deep in self-reflection ... I can do that.
     
102. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2016-11-15 give 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2016-11-15 Pub. Date: 2016-11-15
Image Number: 151037
Caption: I heard you were giving out free red-white-and-blue cookies for Election Day. That was last week. I know. But you didn't specify it was for the presidential election. They're voting today for hall monitor at Octavia Butler Elementary School in Pasadena. Technically, that means it's "Election Day." Cookie me now, cookie boy, or I sue for false advertising. Get out.
     
103. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2016-11-04 give 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2016-11-04 Pub. Date: 2016-11-04
Image Number: 150487
Caption: You're on the "Ask Sadie" show. What's your problem?! Someone gave my toddler a cookie. Now that's all he'll eat. Excellent question. Reminds me of the time I was a small child. One day, eccentric old Adelaide Chestersmithe down the street fed me a marmalade cookie. I was hooked. Mother Cohen exacted revenge by feeding laxatives to Mrs. Chestersmithe's pet orangutan. To put it mildly, she got her point across: Never give anyone's kid a "treat" without permission. Um ... Ok ... Thanks.
     
104. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2016-10-21 give 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2016-10-21 Pub. Date: 2016-10-21
Image Number: 149920
Caption: I was here just last month. Could you give me a returning-customer discount? I mean, it's the least you could do for such a loyal customer. Not really. The least I could do is nothing. You've just lost all my business. Get out.
     
105. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2016-10-13 give 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2016-10-13 Pub. Date: 2016-10-13
Image Number: 149624
Caption: I have an idea for a new app: It's an app that generates ideas for apps. What? Every time you're inconvenienced, the app will ask you to describe the inconvenience in great detail. Then it'll feed the variables into an algorithm and pop out an idea for an app that addresses that inconvenience. Having to detail all your inconveniences doesn't sound very convenient. Tell the app why that is, and it'll give you an app for that.
     
106. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2016-10-07 give 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2016-10-07 Pub. Date: 2016-10-07
Image Number: 149322
Caption: It's the Ask Sadie Advice Hour. "John" in New York, you're on. What's your problem? House of Java Cybercafe. I keep thinking back to the first debate between Trump and crooked Hillary. The more I think about it, the more fantastic I think Trump did. He was strong. Tremendous. Big-league. Give it up, Donald! I know it's you! A real man can admit it when a girl mops the floor with him. Nobody mopped the floor with Trump! That's all a media conspiracy! Never happened!
     
107. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2016-10-01 give 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2016-10-01 Pub. Date: 2016-10-01
Image Number: 149042
Caption: It's the Ask Sadie Advice Hour. "Sad in Seattle," you're on. What's your problem?! House of Java.net Cybercafe. I discovered my dad is a conspiracy theorist. He says Obama's not American, we never landed on the moon, and someone went back in time and re-edited Star Wars to give C-3PO one silver leg. Stop yer sniveling! Have you any idea how lucky you are to have a father who cared enough about you to give you such priceless material with which to mock him? Papa Cohen never did anything mock-worthy in his life. Um ... Ok ... I mocked him mercilessly for that.
     
108. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2016-09-27 give 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2016-09-27 Pub. Date: 2016-09-27
Image Number: 149038
Caption: Do you think glasses make people look smarter? That depends, little buddy. The glasses must be small, to give you the illusion of a larger noggin. The rims must be thick enough to hide any dullard-like facial expressions, to create the illusion of perceptivity. And lastly, one must never speak, lest we say something dumb and ruin the illusions. What if I also wore a big bushy mustache to muffle my words?
     
109. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2016-09-25 give 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2016-09-25 Pub. Date: 2016-09-25
Image Number: 148040
Caption: So, what should we have for dinner tonight, Darlene? What? How about tofu burgers? You know how we love those. We? I could barbecue, we could invite the Johnsons and the Changs, and then maybe we could all cool off in the pool, throw some darts … Are you ok? Why are you talking like we're a couple? We've never even gone on a date and we never, ever will. You're right, maybe we shouldn't invite the Johnsons and the Changs. They're not getting along. Your "talk like you're already together" advice is bogus. Giving you advice is like giving a monkey my car keys.
     
110. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2016-09-22 give 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2016-09-22 Pub. Date: 2016-09-22
Image Number: 148782
Caption: I just got off the phone with all your creditors, Rudy. How'd it go? You owe a total of $148,000. I got that total reduced by 70%, so now you only owe $44,400. That means with the debt consolidation loan I've given you, you'll pay me 72 monthly payments of $1,500. That comes to like $108,000 not $44,400. You're welcome.
     
111. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2016-09-18 give 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2016-09-18 Pub. Date: 2016-09-18
Image Number: 147784
Caption: Welcome to the Ask Sadie Radio Advice Hour. You're on Vancouver. It's my boyfriend. He's so distant. No emotionally … Emotionally it's like we're in the very same room, on the very same chair … in the same pair of pants, actually … we're close, is what I'm saying. But he lives so far away. Thousands of miles. And neither one of us can just pick up and move. We both have ties. Responsibilities. There's only one piece of advice I can give you ... Sock puppets. What you do is, you scrawl your lover's likeness onto the sock puppet. Then. whenever you feel heartache, slip it onto your fist ... and pummel yourself in the face for ever starting a stupid long-distance romance in the first place. Um ... thank you?
     
112. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2016-08-21 give 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2016-08-21 Pub. Date: 2016-08-21
Image Number: 146592
Caption: $12 for bottled water?! Haven't you been watching the news? America's aging pipes are leaching chemicals into the water that cause horrific illnesses. The entire city of Flint was poisoned by lead, leading to developmental damage in children and probably causing an outbreak of Legionnaires' disease. All bottled water is tested for lead. But ours is special, it's guaranteed to be 100% free of certain other chemicals too. Our bottled water is also 100% free of adamantium, NTH metal, vibranium, kryptonite and dilithium. No other bottled water on the market makes that claim. Just give me a coffee. Regular or guaranteed aniumanium-free? Very bad man.
     
113. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2016-08-18 give 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2016-08-18 Pub. Date: 2016-08-18
Image Number: 147400
Caption: Armstrong, I'm not qualified to give you dating advice. When it comes to that stuff, I'm the worst. Because Randy's advice is as good as it gets. There's nothing to improve on, so it's a bad investment. But if someone gives me glaringly bad advice, I can easily spot the errors, correct them, and compile it all into a best-selling advice book. Dating tip #1: Dating is not an investment. Beautiful. Keep 'em coming.
     
114. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2016-08-11 give 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2016-08-11 Pub. Date: 2016-08-11
Image Number: 147086
Caption: Sadie, what would it take for you to provide someone with an alibi? Let's see if you qualify for a discount. Was the crime funny? No. Was the victim someone I despise? No. Was the victim a slacker? No. Oh. Well … I'll give you a discount anyway. But don't tell anyone.
     
115. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2016-08-10 give 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2016-08-10 Pub. Date: 2016-08-10
Image Number: 147085
Caption: Armstrong, you're the cheapest cheapskate on earth. Not yet, but a man can dream. This toothache is killing me but I have no money and no insurance. Do you know where I can find a really cheap dentist? Of course. I can give you my guy's name. He works for peanuts. I'll get a pen. You'll also need a passport and lots of penicillin.
     
116. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2016-08-02 give 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2016-08-02 Pub. Date: 2016-08-02
Image Number: 146701
Caption: I need to take some bereavement time off. "Bereavement time"? Let me check … No, there's no such thing as "bereavement time" in your contract, Rudy. I'd love to give you time off to grieve, but if I start allowing things that aren't in your contract, before we know it you'll be marrying your car. What car? I don't own a car. I believe my point still stands.
     
117. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2016-07-24 give 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2016-07-24 Pub. Date: 2016-07-24
Image Number: 145335
Caption: I want you to work on something when you get home, minion. I'm supposed to be able to rest once I've gone home. I've always wanted to have a trademark one-liner, like the heroes of all those old action movies. Like in Cobra. Sylvester Stallone was a rogue cop who told a criminal "You're the disease, and I'm the cure." Or like in Total Recall, when Arnold Schwarzenegger's wife turned out to be an evil killer. He eliminated her and then said "Consider that a divorce." Or like in They Live, when just before he killed a bunch of evil aliens, Rowdy Roddy Piper said "I have come here to chew bubble gum, and kick (butt) ... and I'm all out of bubble gum." Your task tonight is to generate six one-liners I can use whenever I squeeze unpaid work out of my employees. I'm supposed to be able to rest once I've gone home. You're the rest, and I'm the bed. The kind with spikes on it. That's awful. Fix that up and give me six more.
     
118. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2016-07-17 give 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2016-07-17 Pub. Date: 2016-07-17
Image Number: 145025
Caption: Triple espresso, please. No caffeine for you, Uncle Mort. Doctor's orders. I thought you might say that. That's why I brought along my doctor. He can attest that I'm perfectly healthy and can tolerate vast quantities of caffeine. Mortimer Park is perfectly healthy and can tolerate vast quantities of caffeine. His bones are strong, his blood pressure is dandy, and he's got the pancreas of a man half his age. Give my patient a quadruple espresso, stat!!! You're a great ventriloquist, but your aim is lousy.
     
119. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2016-07-03 give 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2016-07-03 Pub. Date: 2016-07-03
Image Number: 144703
Caption: Sadie, I just read that the moon used to be a lot closer to earth. You? "Read"? Yes, I read all the time. It takes you that long to read a book? Now that's not nice, Mrs. Cohen. We don't have to go at each other all the time, do we? I dream of a day when you and I can let bygones be bygones, embrace one another, and give each other the respect each of us deserves. Nothing doing! Come on, Sadie. Don't you ever wonder how happy we could be if we called a cease-fire? How about it? ... Friends? (Sigh) Why not ... Great! Now, I read that billions of years ago, the moon was much closer. You were there, is that true? Cease-fire over!
     
120. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Rudy Park 2016-06-19 give 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Rudy Park
Viewable Date: 2016-06-19 Pub. Date: 2016-06-19
Image Number: 144040
Caption: Give me whatever and make it fast. What? What do you mean? My wife gave me ten minutes of freedom for Father's Day. And I burned through three of those just sprinting over here. We have four children and a fifth one any day now. She's tired in bed so I'm on 24/7 kid duty. I haven't left the house, taken a shower, or gone potty by myself since 2015. My ear hairs are skinny secret babies that whisper to me at night that I may be going insane. So for Father's Day, my loving wife granted me ten fleeting moments of me-time, which I choose to spend buying expensive coffee in a run-down cafe, like I used to do when I was young and single and had all the time in the world. Mom wants to know when you'll be back. Tell the short person I can't hear it for another 5 minutes and 48 seconds! Sometimes I'm glad I can't even get a date.
     
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