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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-07-15 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-07-15 Pub. Date: 2018-07-15
Image Number: 172919
Caption: Hey, Rudy. How's it going? I'm not allowed to say. Today's Special. Latte + 1hr web $12.50. What? I failed to read the fine print. The boss pointed out to me that the contract I signed back in 2001 forbids me from chatting with the customers about non-coffee-or-food-related issues. Sub-addendum H specifically said that every time I'm caught talking about how it's going I have to pay the boss $5. So ... in other words you just told me how it's going. Loophole! That'll be $5.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-07-12 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-07-12 Pub. Date: 2018-07-12
Image Number: 172716
Caption: It the internment camp for refugees from the Canardville sinkhole. We're gonna be fine, Sadie. I got the word out. How, dimwit? I always carry a burner phone hidden don't-ask-where. I tweeted, Snap-chatted, Raftred, Plurked and Instagrammed. I see. SPEAK ENGLISH, DORK-BOY. I even kept it old-school adn dropped a pin to a journalist I know. What you care to see how I drop a pin?
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-07-10 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-07-10 Pub. Date: 2018-07-10
Image Number: 172713
Caption: Meanwhie, refugees from Canardville are making the most of it. Boss, I got your memo about these refugee blankets. Good. How many of them have we sold? None. We don't own them, Armstrong. WE can't sell what we don't own. Have I taught you nothing? A good businessman sells what he owns. A great businessman sells what he doesn't yet own and uses the loot to either buy it or flee to Cameroon. That doesn't sound right. Fine - Russia then.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-07-08 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-07-08 Pub. Date: 2018-07-08
Image Number: 172486
Caption: Hello, you've reached Feudalbanc Massacard. This is Ryan. How may I hinder you? Hi Ryan. I'm looking at my statement and I see a $598.210 charge from House of Java Café. I'd like to dispute that charge … No, I don't have a receipt. I only bought a cookie so I could use the bathroom without risking them calling the cops on me ... because I was in a hurry to get into that bathroom, so I didn't have time to wait for a receipt ... What do you mean you can't help me? So what if I don't have a receipt? Think about it Ryan, who would ever spend $598,210 in a cafe?! That's not even humanly possible! ... No, I don't have a sick, perverted coffee bean fetish. Let me talk to your supervisor, Ryan. Ok, hold on, please. (Click) Hello, this is Mohinder. How can I mohinder you? I know it's you, Ryan.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-30 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-30 Pub. Date: 2018-06-30
Image Number: 172492
Caption: Lemont interviews Apple CEO Tim Cook. Is it true Mr. Trump told you the iPhone would be exempt from any of his China tariffs? Ok, I found this on the Web for China Terrace. That's not what I'm asking you. Here is what I've found on Ascot the mime cannibal. Wait ... did you just transfer me to Siri? Let's talk about you and not me.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-22 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-22 Pub. Date: 2018-06-22
Image Number: 172358
Caption: I'm tired of people complaining about the treatment of refugees from Canardville. Mayor Thump never asked them to come here. Their whole town fell into a giant sinkhole. They're right next door. Where were they supposed to go? Who cares? Not here. And I'm tired of people whining about how the mayor put them all in jail and took all their babies away form them. They should've thought of that before they chose to be born in a town that would one day sink into a giant sinkhole.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-18 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-18 Pub. Date: 2018-06-18
Image Number: 172354
Caption: What ever happened with the Canardville refugees? What? I thought you were covering that story. I was. But at the last second I had to fly to Singapore to cover the summit between the President and North Korea's leader. You know they had a private meeting before the public one? Sometimes I can't believe this is my life, Susan. I was just the shy kid from the wrong side of the tracks. Now I'm the guy hiding in potted plants reporting on the secret meeting between two powerful leaders. Wait ... what? I never in a million years thought I'd be in Singapore.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-16 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-16 Pub. Date: 2018-06-16
Image Number: 172217
Caption: This just in: A massive sinkhole just opened across the bridge in a suburb of Candorville. The ent … Click. One structure was spared obliteration: A local café that had advertised that one of its muffins contained a free-gas-for-life card. The entire town was there ... Click. Candorville's mayor, Ronald Thump, has closed the bridge, preventing sinkhole refugees from reaching. Click ... Gilligaaaan, the Skipper tooo ... the millionaire ... mun mun mun -
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-11 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-11 Pub. Date: 2018-06-11
Image Number: 172212
Caption: There's been lots of unexplained shaking and booming noises in the middle of the night - all over the world. Some thing earth's entered a part of space filled with meteors too big to burn up in our atmosphere. Others think governments are building a network of underground bases to save a select few from a coming apocalypse. A lot of people think the world's about to end, Susan. If it were anyone but you, I'd thinking this was a pickup line. For the first time in my life, all my favorite shows got renewed, and now this. It's just my luck.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-03 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-03 Pub. Date: 2018-06-03
Image Number: 171757
Caption: What's wrong wit' you, Big L? Nothing makes sense anymore. In Star Trek, they almost never jump warp speed until they've left a star system. It takes light from the sun about eight minutes to reach earth. It takes 5.3 hours for that same sunlight to reach Pluto. And yet, it only takes the Enterprise one minute or so to leave a star system. Don't you see ... Every time they use their impulse drive to leave a star system they're still traveling faster than light. But they're not yet warping space. That means they should be affected by time dilation. For every second that passes for them, weeks or months should pass back on earth. Just like e'ry second of this conversation for you be like months for me. Exactly! Even you can understand that!
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-31 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-31 Pub. Date: 2018-05-31
Image Number: 171948
Caption: The state deleted me from the voter rolls because I supposedly registered at a bunch of different addresses under similar names … so I spent all day tracking down Leroy Braun, Lamarr Boyd, La-Keysha Barnes, Lavert Ballard and Lalo Bustamante. What the … them ain't similar names. That's what Labeeb Bashir said when we tracked down him and Leela Bang. I sense a pattern, bruh. We're all marching to the state building once we find Lalamika Babangida.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-30 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-30 Pub. Date: 2018-05-30
Image Number: 171947
Caption: They removed me from the voter rolls too, Lemont. It's called vote caging. Yeah … This sort of thing happens to me all the time. In 2000, they said I couldn't vote because I was a convicted felon. But I wasn't. In 2004, all the voting machines at my precinct mysteriously failed, and then they said the paper ballots had been eaten by wild rabbits. In 2016, they said I was 3/8th of an inch shorter than my driver's license showed. I believe I warned you not to fib about that.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-29 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-29 Pub. Date: 2018-05-29
Image Number: 171946
Caption: Hello, you've reached the Secretary of State's office. This is Ryan. How may I hinder you? I just checked, and I've been un-registered from the voter rolls. I see. We can fix that. What's your name and address? Lemont Brown. 1739 Sojourner Way, Candorville. Oh, yes Mr. Lemont Brown. It appears you tried to commit voter fraud. You registered at numerous addresses. What?! No I didn't! You're registered as a Leroy Braun over on Peebles Street ... Lamarr Boyd over on Tubman Parkway ... those people aren't me!! So you admit it, Le-Keysha Barnes?
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-28 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-28 Pub. Date: 2018-05-28
Image Number: 171945
Caption: Would you be disappointed in me if I agreed to create an ad campaign for the NRA? Of course not. In fact, I have an idea. Why don't you do an ad about how the NRA saved us all from smart gun technology that would've made sure only authorized users could fire a gun. I mean, that tech alone would've prevented most school shooting. Thank got the NRA put a stop to that. I really hate sarcasm Mondays. We really dodged the dodge-a-bullet bullet thanks to them.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-24 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-24 Pub. Date: 2018-05-24
Image Number: 171761
Caption: You know what I like best about being a dad? When my little boy curls up in my lap and falls asleep. I hold him tight and know he feels war and safe, and I feel like I can protect him from anything. Even from time. Because as long as he lives, he'll be able to close his eyes and remember this feeling and be two years old again ... hopefully without the wetting himself part. It's important to know when you stop talking.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-22 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-22 Pub. Date: 2018-04-22
Image Number: 170147
Caption: Here we have a fabulous, publicly owned power grid. It served an island that was home to 3 million American citizens, until it was devastated by a natural disaster. Bidding starts at $3 billion. $3 billion! $4 billion! We have $4 billion. $4 billion going once ... $4 billion going twice ... Sold, to the gentleman from Foreignvania, for $4 billion! Is this the room where they're auctioning off Captain Picard's flute for Star Trek? You want the Macarthur Ballroom. 3rd floor. Here we have a fabulous-but-devastated public education system ...
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-17 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-17 Pub. Date: 2018-04-17
Image Number: 170575
Caption: My assistant, Dick Fink, somehow removed all the glass from my windows and I nearly plummeted to my death. I need to fire him, sir. Don't you think you're being just a tiny bit hysterical, Garcia? You're not sure it was him. And the man has a family to support. Whatever it is, work it out. Does he have something on you, Mr. Fitzhugh? You're always protecting him. Does he know some dirty secret? Of course not. By the way, totally unrelated ... let's whisper when we discuss Fink, ... just for kicks. Yayle. CEO of the Year.2002.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-14 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-14 Pub. Date: 2018-04-14
Image Number: 170414
Caption: Clyde, I've never asked you this before, but … do you own a gun? What? Ain't you seen what happened to that brotha Philando Castile? Shot for telling a cop he has a licensed gun and a permit. John Crawford III … Tamir Rice … the country don't think the second amendment apply to us, Big L ... they think the second amendment's to protect them from us. You didn't answer my question.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-12 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-12 Pub. Date: 2018-04-12
Image Number: 170412
Caption: Lemont … you've looked at me differently ever since I told you I own a gun. Have not. I went in for a hug, and you insisted on frisking me first. Nah, I don't remember doing that. Although just for the sake of argument … If I had, that'd be totally understandable. 591 people a year die from accidental gun discharges. I have never accidentally discharged my firearm since 2014. I heard that.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-11 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-11 Pub. Date: 2018-04-11
Image Number: 170411
Caption: Maybe you'd understand owning a gun if you were a single female living alone. Wait … are you trying to tell me you own a gun, Susan? Remember how I was walking home six year ago, and a guy stepped out of a dark alley, dragged me into it, and got the better of me? What? Oh my god, I don't remember that at all! That's 'cause it didn't happen. Because I was armed and he ran away. What else could've made him do that? A taser ... pepper spray ... souvenir nunchucks from Panda Express ... the list is endless.
     
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