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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-15 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-15 Pub. Date: 2017-10-15
Image Number: 163143
Caption: Hello, you've reached Lowe an' Sharke Lending Club. This is Ryan. How may I hinder you? I just got an ad from you in the mail saying I'm pre-qualified for an $80,000 low-interest loan, with no collateral needed. That's right. All I need is for you to answer a few brief questions so we can see if you qualify. What do you mean? You said I was already pre-qualified. Doesn't "pre-qualified" mean I've been qualified already. No. It means you haven't been qualified yet. What the -- By that definition, everyone in the whole world is "pre-qualified"! That's incorrect, sir. There are about 101 billion post-living people who wouldn't qualify.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-14 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-14 Pub. Date: 2017-10-14
Image Number: 163633
Caption: When I was four, Rosencrantz, I was convinced the world only existed when I was looking at it. A blank expanse of nothingness lurked beyond every corner, until I rounded it and my mind brought another vista into being. Imagine my shock and my jealousy when, decades later, the scientist Robert Lanza proposed the very same idea, to great acclaim. But then I remembered that Robert Lanza didn't exist until I conjured him from the ether, so the acclaim belongs to me after all. Wouldn't it belong to whoever conjured you?
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-12 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-12 Pub. Date: 2017-10-12
Image Number: 163631
Caption: You know what else is good? "Matlock." What the … ? What is you … Listen, bruh, don't nobody watch no old corny white-haired country lawyer in 1990s Atlanta … playin' a ukulele in his light gray suit and "findin' the real killer" e'ry week … for someone who doesn't watch the show, you sure know a lot about it. Osmosis. I got all that from osmosis an' you can't prove otherwise.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-02 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-02 Pub. Date: 2017-10-02
Image Number: 163370
Caption: Thank god the GOP has given up trying to take health care away from millions of people. No they haven't. Trying-to-repeal-Obamacare has become a tradition, like celebrating-holidays-by-not-thinking-about-why-we-have-a-day-off-and-just-barbecuing has become a tradition. I've stocked up on hot dog buns and beer for the next repeal day. You-not-letting-me-enjoy-the-moment has become a tradition.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-29 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-29 Pub. Date: 2017-09-29
Image Number: 163101
Caption: How 'bout that Chokers game? The Candorville Chokers might go all the way this year. Whachoocare? What do you mean "What do I care?" Haven't you got any civic pride, son? They're our hometown team. They're our boys. They a bunch of grown-!@#$ men runnin' 'round in a circle for millions of dollars. Ain't nary a one of them even from here. That pitcher Fernando Maldonado only speak German. In the winter we play for Cameroon. If you don't like small talk, just say so!
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-27 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-27 Pub. Date: 2017-09-27
Image Number: 163099
Caption: Guess what daddy heard on the radio today, son? I heard that an English settler named Clarence Hornswaggler stole the recipe for popcorn from Native Americans. It was an early example of cultural appropriation, and we don't encourage that sort of thing in this house. I thtill want popcorn fow dinnew. (Sigh), ok, let's try this: No popcorn for dinner because I said so.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-22 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-22 Pub. Date: 2017-09-22
Image Number: 162852
Caption: Even after all these years, momma still won't tell me who my father is. All I know is, she met him when she was a waitress at a casino in Vegas, back in the seventies. I feel like she owes it to me to tell me. Your mom gave you life, raised you all by herself, worked from sunup to sundown to give you everything you needed ... Yeah, she really does "owe" you something. Glad you agree.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-20 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-20 Pub. Date: 2017-09-20
Image Number: 162850
Caption: All children go through a crisis when they first realize their parents aren't perfect. Tell me about it. Dr. Noodle. After Lionel calmed down, I convinced him I wasn't purposely trying to kill the neighbor by selling him a microwave that might cause cancer ... or at least I thought I did. That night, flashing lights and a siren woke me from a deep slumber. I looked out the window ad say the police and the coroner were at the neighbor's apartment. It's a good idea to hide the phone for the duration of the crisis. Scribble scrib - Lionel later told be he'd called anonymously, using the name "Daniel Tiger," so I wouldn't get locked up. He's so smart.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-19 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-19 Pub. Date: 2017-09-19
Image Number: 162849
Caption: When my little boy got home from day care and found out I'd sold the microwave, he started sobbing. Dr. Noodle. He asked who bought it. I said "a neighbor." He whimpered and blubbered "But I don't want the neighbor to have it! I want us to have it!" M.A ... I tried to make him feel better by telling him it's best not to have one anyway, because all microwaves leak radiation and that can cause cancer ... and that's when your son accused you of trying to murder your neighbor? I never realized how horrible a person I was until my son started asking questions.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-18 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-18 Pub. Date: 2017-09-18
Image Number: 162848
Caption: But I can't get rid of it. Momma told me it belonged to my father, and to his father before him. I never knew either of them. Susan, the only family heirloom I have from them are my hat, my antique pocket watch and this. A microwave oven is not a "family heirloom," Lemont. Get rid of it. But Grandpa Brown warmed up his rations with it during the Korean War. It's time, Lemont.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-12 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-12 Pub. Date: 2017-09-12
Image Number: 162598
Caption: This is Nightly News with Martin Niemoller. First they came for the travelers from Muslim countries … then they came for the Latino criminals who were here illegally. Then they came for legal immigrants who don't know English. Then they came for the hard-working, decent, productive Latinos who were brought here illegally as kids and know no other country. That's too bad. Hey, I feel like a ham sandwich. Hey wait, you might want to hear the rest of this ...
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-10 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-10 Pub. Date: 2017-09-10
Image Number: 161858
Caption: My uncle keeps sending me crazy, paranoid conspiracy theories he hears on Youtube. Dr. Noodle. It all started a few years ago when he sent me an email about how the victims of the Hindenburg crash were all crisis actors. These same victims died on the Titanic! He wrote. Then he told me President Obama was setting up Femur Camps, where he'd be letting the Illuminati harvest our femur bones for voodoo incantations to turn all our frogs into insomniacs. When I asked him why on earth would anyone want to do that? he said I had been brainwashed by the cabal that runs both the fake news and the pepperoni industries. So I replied why would they waste their time brainwashing me? What would they gain from that? Does your uncle have a hobby? Get him to refer uncle!!! $$$$$$$ ... because it's possible that you're his hobby. He said they've brainwashed me into thinking there's nothing to gain from brainwashing me.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-30 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-30 Pub. Date: 2017-08-30
Image Number: 162089
Caption: What do you mean you don't take Joss Whedon's ex-wife's article at face value? She wrote that he cheated on her for years. That settles everything. No it doesn't. All we heard is her side of the story. And she said at one point she moved away from her personal values to get closer to him. What does that mean. I'll tell you what it might mean: It might mean she knew more than she's letting on, but she was ok with it all the way until he decided to divorce her. Only then did she go back and rewrite history to portray herself as the totally unsuspecting victim. Is this about how your ex lied to the court about you? Is this about how your ex cheated on you?
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-28 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-28 Pub. Date: 2017-08-28
Image Number: 162087
Caption: You know how Marvel had heroes star in separate movies, and then they all united in "The Avengers"? And then on Netflix Marvel had separate series, and then they all united in "The Defenders"? Why don't newspaper comic strips do that? You've got a couple hundred separate characters who've been building an audience for decades. What if the protagonists from "The Oldersons," "23 Skiddoo" and "Should've Ended in 1950" got together? It'd be epic. They could call it "The Dependers." Careful, you ain't all that young neither, bruh.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-24 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-24 Pub. Date: 2017-08-24
Image Number: 161803
Caption: Hey Susan, did you get that evite from Clyde? Which one? The evite to his birthday party where he wrote "in lieu of gifts, bring a shovel and wear your work pants"? No. The evite to his housewarming party at his underground bunker? No. I've been ignoring his evites for months now. Ever since Trump won, they've been getting more and more cynical. I'm talking about his evite to watch the upcoming race war on his tv.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-22 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-22 Pub. Date: 2017-08-22
Image Number: 161801
Caption: I posted an article on Candorville.com about how the terms "cuck," "beta," SJW" and "virtue-signalling" were essential to the resurgence of white supremacists. It's an old Nazi tactic from the 1930s. When you beliefs are morally indefensible, just label those who oppose you with belittling code words ... code words that make opposing you seen uncool. They also popularized "libtard", "snowflake," "white genocide," "neoreactionary multiculturalist" ... "Neoreactionary multiculturalist"? They considered shortening it to "Nemo," but then they heard Disney was litigious.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-16 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-16 Pub. Date: 2017-08-16
Image Number: 161533
Caption: You know what? If we ever create faster-than-light travel, we can prove whether Jesus existed. We found a planet orbiting a star in the Cygnus constellation 2,000 light years away. That means if we were there right now, we could peer back at earth through a super-powerful telescope and see events that happened 2,000 years ago. If Jesus were real, we could see him going about his business: performing miracles ... coming back from the dead ... picking his nose ... He never would've done that, Lemont. You know how much dust there is in the Middle East?
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-07 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-07 Pub. Date: 2017-08-07
Image Number: 161291
Caption: Seven Years Ago. Can you believe they're ramming Obamacare through with no votes from Republicans and only a year of hearings and stuff? Horrible leadership!!! Two Weeks Ago. Can you believe they're ramming Trumpcare through with no votes from Democrats and no hearings or anything? Amazing leadership!!! Color-blinded. What? MAGA.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-06 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-06 Pub. Date: 2017-08-06
Image Number: 160565
Caption: Your latest article was a little confusing, Lemont. What's confusing about my having solved Fermi's paradox? I've single-handedly explained how the universe could be filled with civilization, even though we've seen no evidence them. Did you know there's a possibility our universe exists within a black hole? ... and every black hole in our universe may contain an entire universe of its own? I've heard that. And did you know that people ultimately just can't stand those who are different from them? Don't you see, Susan? There is no paradox. When a civilization advances far enough, it doesn't fly to other stars. It thinks much bigger. It creates a black hole and vanishes into it so it can have a whole universe to itself. They could shape it and write its natural laws however they want. The Berniezoidians could have a whole universe full of single-payer healthcare, ... and the Trumpmagans could have a whole universe full of no undocumented immigrants. Oh. I was just confused about the part where you wrote "The Trumpmagans still insist Mexico will pay for the event horizon."
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-30 from 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-30 Pub. Date: 2017-07-30
Image Number: 160303
Caption: Whutsis? This is your wake-up call. Nobody actually likes you. Everyone who's paying attention to you think you're a cretin. A moron. A buffoon. Saywhat now? Even the ones who say they like you are only pretending to like you. Zzzwhywudeydoodatzzz … Why? Because you're useful to them. They want something from you. Like legislation, or executive action. Or validation of their paranoia or their hatred. Or they want you to make the people they hate squirm. Or they want money. Or an inheritance. I think you might have the wrong number ... Or they're nihilists or anarchists who just like to watch everything burn. Or ... I said you have the wrong number!
     
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