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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-12 first time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-12 Pub. Date: 2017-07-12
Image Number: 160221
Caption: Meanwhile, in Candorville … Susan! Hold on! You can't go confront Lemont's girlfriend just 'cause she's here with another guy. You don't know what's really going on. Well … I'll just watch first. Marry me. And if she catches you spying on her? You'll alienate her. And if you see something? Then what? You'll break them up? It's not your place. Yes, it is. If anyone's going to ruin my best friend's life, it should be me. Are you listening to yourself? Now's not the time for that.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-14 first time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-14 Pub. Date: 2017-06-14
Image Number: 159153
Caption: Clyde picks up Lemont's son Lionel from daycare. Little man what'd you do when Brixton called your daddy names? Nothing. Was it the first time he bothered you? No. He's not nice all the time. I see. Well, whachoogot, little man, is a bully. You know what a bully is, don't you? 'Course. It's a cow with no nipples. No. But that bring me to how you deal with bullies ...
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-26 first time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-26 Pub. Date: 2017-03-26
Image Number: 155437
Caption: Yesterday, I visited my 97-year-old grandpa for the first time in six months. Dr. Noodle. He opened his door. I said "Grandpa! I missed you!" He looked me up and down and said "You gained a pound." It was all I could think about the whole time. As I drove him to his favorite restaurant, I was worried the seatbelt made me look bulgy ... When we ordered, I felt like he was judging my choices and so I only ordered crackers and water. When I hugged him goodbye, I sucked my gut in as hard as I could. Why don't we just focus on the fact he hugged you? When he hugged me, he said "You at that whole cracker."
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-10 first time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-10 Pub. Date: 2017-02-10
Image Number: 154241
Caption: Do you know why mankind is so susceptible to authoritarians, Rosencrantz? It's because our brains are wired to accept lies. Our conscious brain can eventually spot a lie. But for it to spot it, our unconscious brain first has to entertain it. And just as when you entertain a guest, there's a chance the guest will overstay his welcome, put up photos of his loved ones, and before you know it, he's moved in and you can't get rid of him. I'll say it one last time: I want my side of the sidewalk crack back, Tyrone. I don't know what you mean, I've always been on this side.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-15 first time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-15 Pub. Date: 2017-01-15
Image Number: 152908
Caption: Hello, you've reached Bung Lee Plumbing. This is Bung. How may I hinder you? Hi Bung. I just got an invoice from you guys for $125 plus a $75 late fee for some work you did in my apartment. But I already tried to pay that bill, two months ago. You guys sent me an invoice that asked me to pay by phone. So I called and gave someone named "Ryan" my Massacard info. He said he'd send me a receipt, but he never did. I just checked with Massacard, and it looks like you guys never ran my card. I'd be happy to give the $125 we agreed upon, but I'm not paying you any late fee. It's not my fault Ryan didn't charge me. Do you have any proof you called and spoke with Ryan? Let me ask you a question: Would this be the first time Ryan screwed up around there? Ok. I'll waive the late fee.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-19 first time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-19 Pub. Date: 2016-12-19
Image Number: 152369
Caption: So how'd Canada go, Lemont? How'd it go when you and "Vancouver" saw each other for the first time in a year? It went horribly. When she opened the door, it was fireworks all over again. The evening was pure magic. The next few days were even better. That does sound horrible. It was as if the great author in the sky were setting me up for a soul-crushing plot twist.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-07-01 first time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-07-01 Pub. Date: 2016-07-01
Image Number: 145232
Caption: Rosencrantz, I think there was a diversion yesterday, and we let it slip away unexplored. Will eat for food. Speak for yourself, Tyrone. I seized the opportunity. I exploited it for all it was worth. For the first time in days, I experienced laughter. I experienced joy. I experienced satisfaction. Not directly, I mean. I saw another man experience it. Bet that's just the same, when you think about it. I'm jealous. That's something, at least.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-21 first time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-21 Pub. Date: 2016-06-21
Image Number: 144898
Caption: My son slept all night long, Clyde. First time ever. Usually I can't get any uninterrupted sleep because he's always getting up. But last night, he didn't even make a sound … So I ended up staying up all night to make sure he wasn't dead.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-09 first time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-09 Pub. Date: 2016-06-09
Image Number: 144222
Caption: I'm flying to Oakland for a book festival in two week. "Vancouver" is going to be there too. The girl you been talkin' to long-distance? You ain't never told me how you met her in the first place. Yeah I did, Clyde. I called you as soon as it happened and told you every last detail. You and I talked for five hours! Anything more'n two minutes, I set the phone down an' watch tv. It's a policy. But you kept applauding! Must've been the studio audience you heard, bruh.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-05-15 first time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-05-15 Pub. Date: 2016-05-15
Image Number: 142782
Caption: I ever tell you 'bout that time I recorded a song with Prince? You never recorded a song with Prince, Clyde. Yeh I did, bruh. In fact it was the very first song I ever recorded. I was freestylin', makin' up lyrics as I went along, when all of a sudden outta nowhere, I heard Prince voice comin' from behind me. It was comin' from my momma radio. I climbed up onto her dresser an' pressed "record" on her tape recorder, an' I sang along with him. Then momma took me to preschool. I'm not sure that counts, Clyde. Yeh it do, bruh.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-05-09 first time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-05-09 Pub. Date: 2016-05-09
Image Number: 143021
Caption: Do you remember the very first time YOU got mad at someone? I don’t. It's one of those millions of "firsts" that are lost to time. Do you realize that everyone carrying around iPhones and Androids at all times has changed that, for the first time in human history? Whatever. I still don't think your son will ever appreciate your keeping a video of you accidentally dropping him in the toilet. (This cartoon was originally published on 2014-02-24).
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-04-30 first time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-04-30 Pub. Date: 2016-04-30
Image Number: 142414
Caption: Why do I keep a journal of my son's firsts? Because they're precious moments. Why they "precious"? … Because they happen once and then they're gone forever, living only in a parent's memories. Is they still precious if they ALSO live on in your hard drive, the NSA files and Edward Snowman's briefcase? First time I've ever heard Clyde be so deep. Yeah. I wish I'd recorded that. You ain't never learnin'. (This cartoon was originally published on 2014-04-02).
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-04-27 first time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-04-27 Pub. Date: 2016-04-27
Image Number: 142411
Caption: Is it weird that I've been keeping a journal of all my son's firsts? No. His first smile … His first act of defiance, the first time he said "agoo" … Is it weird that it's all annotated with photos, videos and audio recordings? No. Is it weird that I had him reenact the firsts I missed? (This cartoon was originally published on 2014-03-31).
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-11-20 first time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-11-20 Pub. Date: 2015-11-20
Image Number: 135317
Caption: I hope you don't mind if I don't spend this Thanksgiving with you and Clyde. That book agent I've been seeing wants to take me to Paris. Of course not. Why would I mind that we're not going to spend Thanksgiving together for the first time since we were six? Why would I mind that you're letting this perfect stranger come along and wreck our entire tradition? I don't mind at all. He is pretty perfect, now that you mention it.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-10-25 first time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-10-25 Pub. Date: 2015-10-25
Image Number: 133804
Caption: Every time a cop shoots a black man, someone tried to change the subject by saying "Yeah but … black-on-black crime is a much bigger problem." Let's imagine they did that for everything. Let's do this. "Taxes are too high." Yeh but … your rent cost a lot more, so whachoo whinin' 'bout? "Politicians don't listen to us." Yeh, but ... men don't truly listen to women in they relationships. Deal widdat first, if you serious about people bein' heard. "The city should fix these potholes." Yeh but ... erytime a big meteor hit us, it make craters biggern all the potholes combined. How I'm supposed to take you serious about them potholes when I ain't never heard you say nothin' about them asteroid craters?
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-08-16 first time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-08-16 Pub. Date: 2015-08-16
Image Number: 130321
Caption: It all started when my son sat up for the first time. All of a sudden, he didn't need me to prop him up on the couch. And then when he was seven months old, he started crawling. Suddenly he didn't need me to carry him where he wanted to go. Then when he learned to talk at 16 months old, he didn't need me to figure out what would make him happy. He'd tell me. Then when he went to day care at 22 months, he didn't look to me for all his answers. Now he had other grownups to ask. It's like every single day, I become less and less important. Only if you're doing your job right. I was hoping to hold off on the potty training till he was 144 months.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-07-22 first time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-07-22 Pub. Date: 2015-07-22
Image Number: 129958
Caption: I still have that awful cough, Susan. Six weeks of gagging and hacking. I haven't heard you cough. That's because it mainly happens at night and when I first wake up. If you want to hear me really hack up a lung, you'll have to sleep with me. How could a girl say no to a line like that? That didn't come out how I meant it to. I hope you feel better soon, Lemont.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-06-27 first time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-06-27 Pub. Date: 2015-06-27
Image Number: 128676
Caption: I've read that by the time I'm an old man, we may be able to upload our consciousness into the cloud. Do you know what this means, Clyde? It means our generation may be the first to become immortal. We'd also become the first post-human generation. "Cloud-o-sapiens" doesn't have the same ring to it, though. Wait ... me dyin' someday anyway is what make it easy to not care 'bout nobody opinion of me. Ain't this a blip.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-01-25 first time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-01-25 Pub. Date: 2015-01-25
Image Number: 121082
Caption: What's this, Clyde? Your rehab list. My what? 12 steps to stop being a nerd. (1) Admit that watching Star-Track reruns is throwin' salt in my game. (2) Do everything C-Dog say to do. That's only two steps. Well yeh ... just repeat step two ten mo' times. First of all, it's Star "Trek." Come to think of it, I'm not even sure we need step one.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2014-11-13 first time 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2014-11-13 Pub. Date: 2014-11-13
Image Number: 118789
Caption: According to Zeno's Paradox, you and I would be immortal, Rosencrantz. If life is a journey toward death, then to arrive at that destination we'd first have to travel half a life. Then half our remaining life, and so on; infinitely forever. But you're overlooking one crucial flaw in that theory. What flaw is that? Zeno's dead. (Published originally on March 29, 2012.)
     
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