What does the world need most this time of year, minion? Make no sudden movements. It needs to not feel guilty about all the broken New Year's resolutions. I'm not following you. I've created and artificial intelligence program that combs everything posted by or about you on social media ... and then decides your New Year's resolution for you. For instance, yours is to ask out Mbege Anyango from Cameroon. The A.I. was determined she's your soul mate. I've ... I mean the A.I. ... has taken the liberty of booking your flight and deducting all fares and fees from your checking. But I don't feel like going. The problem isn't making resolutions ... the problem is nobody keeps them. Your app doesn't solve that. It doesn't? Are you sure? What if I told you the A.I. also controls a used military drone I bought off eBay? Cameroon sounds lovely.
This morning daddy said he had been planning to take me to Disneyland, but because I downloaded movies illegally, now he's calling it off. That's why I'm sad. Is that all? Listen, kid, parents lie like that all the time. He was never gonna take you to Disneyland, he just wants you to feel guilty. So don't worry about it. You mean ... my ... my daddy is a ... a fibber? Consoling a kid is like tiptoeing through mousetraps. Waaaaa!!