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141. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-06-28 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-06-28 Pub. Date: 2015-06-28
Image Number: 128375
Caption: Hello Concast Cable? This is Lemont Brown. I'd like you to stop calling me. You don't really want that. Yes, I do. Stop trying to get me back. It's over. It's satellite … isn't it? I could give you more than satellite gives you … just give me a chance. No, its not ... Listen, it's not you, it's not satellite. A couple years ago, I discovered Roku. And all of a sudden, Roku gave me Netflix, and Hulu, and Crackle on my tv ... and all of a sudden I had what I never knew I'd been missing. So you see, it's not you, Concast ... it's me. You're just saying that. Yeah. I am. it IS you. You and your stupid van and your smug attitude and your crazy hidden fees. It would be a shame if I were to raise your broadband bill and then you couldn't afford to stream Netflix. See? This! This is exactly the sort of thing that made me leave you!
142. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-06-24 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-06-24 Pub. Date: 2015-06-24
Image Number: 128673
Caption: Studies show that teachers are more likely to harshly punish black students than they are white ones who do the same things. Even black teachers do it. How am I supposed to feel comfortable sending my baby boy out into the world when I know this sort of stuff happens? They done called me a "troublemaker" from day one. Didn't do me no harm. Maybe I'll home-school him til he's got his Ph.D. it was educational. I be in the principal office so much that I learned exactly where he keep his spare house keys.
143. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-06-20 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-06-20 Pub. Date: 2015-06-20
Image Number: 128381
Caption: Dear person who keeps calling the wrong number, you've reached the same wrong number once again. I can't come to the phone 'cause I'm busy having a secret affair with the person you're trying to reach, or tying them up, or impersonating them, or stealing their phone, or whatever paranoid nonsense has you thinking I'm lying about this being the wrong number. Please call back a couple more times and ask me if I'm "sure" I'm not someone who's not me. Beep.
144. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-06-07 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-06-07 Pub. Date: 2015-06-07
Image Number: 127506
Caption: Who is it? This is a wake-up call for Lemont Brown. I donm mumble. You've got to stop picking your nose while you drive. Pardonm I domble … Your windshield is not a magical force field that keeps people from seeing you. In fact, it frames you. It's like a big TV screen. Mbtv. It turns you into a tv show. "The look at me, I'm knuckle-deep in my nose show," starring you. Zzzzz. You should sell advertising in between picks.
145. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-06-06 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-06-06 Pub. Date: 2015-06-06
Image Number: 127780
Caption: Hello, mom, you've reached Lemont Brown. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm busy being too permissive with my child, which as you say will lead him to a life of crime. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I'm done panhandling for his future bail money. (This cartoon was originally published on 2013-04-27).
146. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-05-31 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-05-31 Pub. Date: 2015-05-31
Image Number: 127170
Caption: Rriiing! Whachoowant? Hi, I'm calling from the Mahatm … We ain't want none of whatever you sellin'. Take us off yo' list, fool. You might want this: It's about a series of articles you published last year. Call from (555) 555-1234. I'm calling from the MG Center for Justice and Human Rights. Whachy'all be sellin'? What? No, I'm calling to say congratulations, you've won this year's Mahatma Gandhi award for journalism, for you ... Whatever. We ain't want none of whatever it is. Goodbye. Boop. This end up. Did I leave my phone over here? I got rid of some telemarketer for you, bruh. You owe me $2 for my services.
147. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-05-22 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-05-22 Pub. Date: 2015-05-22
Image Number: 127175
Caption: I'm sorry, Clyde. Whachoo talkin' 'bout? Yesterday I accused you of stealing my wallet, ordering $800 worth of junk from Amazon, and lying about it. I cussed at you, threw a drink in your face, and called your momma a Sasquatch. Turns out it was my baby boy who took my wallet and went on Amazon. I'm so proud of him! He's only two and he already knows how to order 57 bags of rabbit food. Oh, oh, oh. So when he take yo' wallet, it's cute. When I take it, it's "grand larceny."
148. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-05-12 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-05-12 Pub. Date: 2015-05-12
Image Number: 126617
Caption: 'Member that riot in Baltimore couple weeks back? That all the media talked about. As usual, they missed the real story. People was so moved by what happened to Freddie Gray that the Crips an' the Bloods called a truce an' joined together in peace. The Crips an' the Bloods, dawg. That be like dogs and cats holdin' hands. "Paws," Clyde. No need. I'm done. What? What?
149. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-05-10 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-05-10 Pub. Date: 2015-05-10
Image Number: 126136
Caption: I'm reading a book called "Leviathan Wakes." It tells a story from the perspective of two different protagonists. Dr. Noodle. Neither knows just how much their stores are connected. It's like I've always thought: what if I'm not the only protagonist in my own life? What if there's somebody out there who's living the other half of my story? What if we're both on separate roads that are fated to converge at some pivotal, all-important moment? And what if I don't recognize this person's significance to my life and so we fail to connect?! I still think boring everyone you meet with your whole life story is a bad idea. But if I don't recognize their significance, they might recognize mine.
150. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-05-04 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-05-04 Pub. Date: 2015-05-04
Image Number: 126505
Caption: Sup, Big L. Hold on. I'm calling on this disposable phone … to see if you're the one who swiped my iPhone. 'Course if you did steal it, you'd have to be pretty dumb not to put it on silent. See? It is on silent. Who's the dumb one now? (This cartoon was published originally on 2013/04/15).
151. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-04-30 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-04-30 Pub. Date: 2015-04-30
Image Number: 126133
Caption: Dick Fink, come in here for a second, will you? Ok, Ms. Garcia. The CEO called me into his office today to ask why our nemesis, McMahon, Tate, Stephens and Evans, called him for a reference. He was furious. Almost fired me. Apparently someone sent them my resume, and said the best time to call would be 3 a.m. Do you know anything about this? No. But I'll prevaricate ... I mean, investigate ... this thoroughly.
152. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-04-21 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-04-21 Pub. Date: 2015-04-21
Image Number: 125855
Caption: Hello, you've reached Concast Cable's re-connection department. To answer your question, yes, we can reconnect the tv service you canceled, for an additional $85/month. What are you talking about? I didn't ask you any questions, and you called me. Yes, we CAN be there tomorrow between 8-5. You people are getting desperate. Do not lean on door.
153. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-04-16 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-04-16 Pub. Date: 2015-04-16
Image Number: 125565
Caption: How's it coming? This profile I wrote for you will definitely appeal to a good man, Susan. "Looking for a gentleman who's into science fiction, who's not afraid of crying, and who thinks about calling his mother every day. Actually calling his mother every day would be kind of stalker-ish." Maybe I'll write my own profile after all. "Must be ok with my having a virile male best friend."
154. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-03-19 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-03-19 Pub. Date: 2015-03-19
Image Number: 124247
Caption: One reason I want Clinton to be president is, she's tough enough to be "the first." The first woman or minority anything gets viciously attacked. I was the first woman executive at Fitzhugh & Fitzhugh. You should hear the things they still say about me. Some of them started calling the place Fitz, Fitz, and B ... You're right, the first one is always a punching bag.
155. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-02-20 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-02-20 Pub. Date: 2015-02-20
Image Number: 123055
Caption: Hi, Sasha. It's Lemont Brown. I just heard you got divorced. No need to call me back, I just wanted to let you know I'm proud of you for finally leaving that jerk. Things didn't work out between us because of the timing, and we've both moved on, but … I just want you to know I hope you're happy ... because making a pass at you right after I find out you're newly divorced would be a turnoff. Right? Or not? Anyway, farewell. Unless you WANT to call me back.
156. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-02-19 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-02-19 Pub. Date: 2015-02-19
Image Number: 123054
Caption: Why would you ask if I fooled around with Sasha Mitchell? Because you once told me she was the love of your life. Because three years ago, you two were texting and Facebooking all the time. Because you told me you called it off after you found out she was married. ... And because I just found out she's been divorced for two years. There can be only one reason you and she didn't run off together as soon as her divorce was final. Stop trying to put two and two together, you're terrible at math. Homewrecker!
157. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-02-07 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-02-07 Pub. Date: 2015-02-07
Image Number: 122422
Caption: The Astronomer Neil Degrasse Tyson admitted he was wrong about those deflated footballs the Patriots used. That's proof that the so-called "global warming" thing is a big fat hoax. You're saying that if someone's wrong about one thing, they must have been wrong about anything they've ever said? Hypothetically. I wouldn't know, since I've never been wrong. The Jungle.
158. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-02-06 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-02-06 Pub. Date: 2015-02-06
Image Number: 122421
Caption: Lemont? Where've you been all day? I was waiting for you at lunch and you never showed up. I couldn't. After I dropped Lionel off at day care, everything went wrong. Someone had snatched my wallet, so I had to walk 20 blocks to get home. But my keys were missing, so I tried to climb in the fire escape. That's when I got arrested. Didn't they give you one phone call? I used it to call a lawyer. Forgive me for being so selfish. I waited a whole hour, Lemont.
159. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-02-01 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-02-01 Pub. Date: 2015-02-01
Image Number: 121614
Caption: You know what I like to do? I like to mock California. It's just so very ridiculous. It's got everything I love to complain about. Hollywood is there, for one thing. Where else would there be an entire industry of people who spend every day making things up and pretending to be other people? Nobody ever stops to think about how psychotic that is. Say what? If cities were people, Hollywood would be the guy you had to call the cops on to make sure he didn't hurt himself. All those explosions in every other movie are an obvious cry for help.
160. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-01-14 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-01-14 Pub. Date: 2015-01-14
Image Number: 121386
Caption: What's wrong, Lemont? I was playing "Simcity" the other day when it occurred to me ... We may all be just a computer simulation. There's evidence of that everywhere. All computer programs have glitches, for instance. We see those glitches all the time. We call them "deja vu." I'm pretty sure we've had this conversation before. I knew you were going to say that.
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