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Candorville

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81. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-02 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-02 Pub. Date: 2016-10-02
Image Number: 148531
Caption: It's my memory, doc. The more I look into it, the more it's just all wrong. For instance … Dr. Noodle. The first book I ever read was a "Berenstein Bears" book called Up Down and All Around. But when I tried to buy it for my kid, I discovered it was BerenSTAIN bears, and that there was never a Berenstein Bears books called "Up Down and All Around." It's perfectly normal to misremember things like that. Even large numbers of people collectively misremember things. I remember "Berenstein" too. Oh ... yeah, I figured. It's a lot more likely than thinking aliens kidnapped me from an alternate reality where it was "Berenstein" and put me here ... not that I was thinking that. Take two "stay off the internets" and call me in the morning. Look up "Mandela Effect" and "Ford Logo" on Youtube and then tell me there's no multiverse kidnapping going on!
     
82. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-25 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-25 Pub. Date: 2016-09-25
Image Number: 148272
Caption: It all started when I considered voting for Donald Trump. He's against illegal immigration. I'm against illegal immigration. So why not? People said that made him racist. But I agree with him, and I know I'm not racist. And if people were wrong to call him "racist" about that, maybe they're wrong to call him racist about everything. I started arguing with my own wife. I said demanding Obama's birth certificate wasn't racist. I said wanting to ban all Muslim immigrants wasn't racist. Trump saying a judge couldn't do his job because he's Mexican-American? I said that wasn't racist. I said the fact he kept retweeting white supremacists wasn't racist. But yesterday ... I caught myself saying "What's so racist about white supremacists anyway?" You're worried that supporting Trump is desensitizing you to racism? No, I just wondered if I can bunk here tonight. My wife kicked me out.
     
83. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-24 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-24 Pub. Date: 2016-09-24
Image Number: 148766
Caption: Hello, creditor, you've reached the home of Lemont Brown. Paying 30% interest on the bus ticket you helped me buy 20 years ago is more important to me than survival. So I can't come to the phone right now, because I'm busy bundling all my cash to send to you instead of using it to feed my child, pay my rent and keep my lights on. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you when I'm done making money appear out of thin air. Beep.
     
84. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-14 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-14 Pub. Date: 2016-09-14
Image Number: 148481
Caption: 1982. I don't buy all the stuff they tell me in Sunday school. But I do think there's a God. You do, Lemont? I believe the universe is an organism. Like my hamster. We call it "God," and we're its constituent parts. And like any hamster, it wants every one of its organs and cells to thrive. Even the tunas? 'Cause we kill them and put them in cans. I didn't say I had it all worked out.
     
85. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-12 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-12 Pub. Date: 2016-09-12
Image Number: 148479
Caption: I am the God of thy father Cletus. What? Who that? Cletus. Cletus Dogg. Your father. Didn't nobody call my daddy "Cletus." Erebody called him "Hot Sauce." I call him by his given n … Never mind, that is not important right now, Clyde. "C-Dog." (Sigh) fine, C ... no, it's not fine.
     
86. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-08-29 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-08-29 Pub. Date: 2016-08-29
Image Number: 147919
Caption: Clyde, have you seen the trailer for that new Eddie Murphy movie? Yes, "Magical Negro." I seen it. It's not called "Magical Negro." You mean it ain't about a black character whose only purpose is to use his special insight to aid white characters? It's a true story. So that's different. And it's called "Mr. Church." C-Dog call a movie what it should be called. Wanna go see "Mr. Church" with me? I'd rather go see "Watch Margot Robbie in Hot Pants for Two Hours" again.
     
87. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-08-23 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-08-23 Pub. Date: 2016-08-23
Image Number: 147663
Caption: I met this awesome guy. I think he may be "the one." We talked for hours and never ran out of things to say. He was so interested in what I think, what I do, what I want out of life … We talked about that for hours and hours. Cool. What does he think, do and want out of life? Beats me. I'm sure we'll get around to that once he calls me for a second date. Dios mio.
     
88. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-08-11 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-08-11 Pub. Date: 2016-08-11
Image Number: 147068
Caption: Hello, you've reached the home of Lemont Brown. I can't come to the phone right now because my son and I are busy building a fort out of sofa cushions. Please leave a message and I'll call you back when I'm a grown-up again. Beep.
     
89. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-07-31 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-07-31 Pub. Date: 2016-07-31
Image Number: 145874
Caption: Hello, Mr. Dogg. My hingoa is "Richie." I am calling from illustrious Tonga Tech Alumni Association. You achieved your degree at our online university. Got my doctorate, fool. Get it right. We would like for to extend to you the invitation to now pursue your double doctorate. For a low low price of only $150 U.S. dollars per day you can take your Tonga Tech educationals to the ultimate level in only six weeks. Whatchyall got in your extra-doctorate program, bruh? C-Dog time is valuable. I ain't got six weeks for you, not unless your curriculum is bangin'. We've got very many programs of some sort that will allow you to call yourself "Double Doctor." ... such as a doctorate in real estate management, taught by cardboard cutout of Donald Trump. Lemme think about it. "Double Doctor Dogg" got a ring to it.
     
90. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-07-29 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-07-29 Pub. Date: 2016-07-29
Image Number: 146474
Caption: Hello? … Whachoo mean "who this is?" Who you is? Don't be callin' me askin' who I be, like you ain't got no phone-trainin', when you call somebody, it's customary for you to say who you be. You say yo' name "Clarence"? Well ok then. Now I'll tell you who I be, Clarence. I'm the brotha that found yo' cellphone.
     
91. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-07-16 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-07-16 Pub. Date: 2016-07-16
Image Number: 145821
Caption: Baton Rouge police was called 'cause someone said they saw a man with a gun sellin' CDs. The usual thing happened. Brotha didn't obey fast enough, cops rough him up, say he resisted arrest, he end up dead, an' it all on video. Then black people an' white people see two completely different things lookin' at the same exact video. I'm tellin' you bruh, Gilligan ain't never gettin' off this island. He actually got off in a pretty bad tv movie and ... never mind. Not the time.
     
92. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-07-10 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-07-10 Pub. Date: 2016-07-10
Image Number: 144955
Caption: Let's watch "Lou Grant" on Hulu. "Lou Grant"? Ain't that that show your momma used to watch when we was kids? Yeah. I ran out of things to watch, so I figured I'd finally check out some of the shows that bored me to death when I was young. It was really depressing. If it was depressin', why you wanna watch it? I mean it's depressing how good it is. Our parents' generation had writers and actors who knew how to use mature, flawed characters to tell stories that really examined human nature in all its intricacies. And it's set in a major newspaper back when they were still widely read and mostly family-owned, and saw what they did as a calling. When I think of all the time I wasted watching "Sesame Street" when I could've watched this ... I don't watch nothin' older than the milk in my fridge, bruh. That's policy.
     
93. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-07-03 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-07-03 Pub. Date: 2016-07-03
Image Number: 144620
Caption: Whutsis? This is your wake-up call. I know you dreamt of this era ever since you were six, but, let's face it: You're tired of superhero movies. Saywhat now? Your inner child was thrilled, but now he's bored. It's like Disneyland. Asdghmplp. Yes. Remember when you were six ... remember how excited you were at Disneyland at 8am, but howl by 10pm the sight of someone in a Mickey Mouse costume made you feel homicidal? Admit it: If you see one more person in a colorful muscly costume running and jumping, your popcorn is going to taste like misery and tears. Never!!! I'll never tire of zzzzzzzz.
     
94. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-28 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-28 Pub. Date: 2016-06-28
Image Number: 145229
Caption: You've reached Senator Marionette's office. To ask a question, press or say "one" now. "One." If your question is "where do I send a campaign donation," press or say "one" now. If your question is about why I block all attempts at gun control even after enormous massacres, please hang up now. Not falling for it.
     
95. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-23 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-23 Pub. Date: 2016-06-23
Image Number: 144900
Caption: When are you going to teach your son about death? Never. If your toenail falls off, have you died? If you lose a foot to a grizzly bear, have you died? If a wild kangaroo rips off both your arms, have you died? If you can survive without parts of your body, who's to say you don't survive without the whole body? You can't just avoid having hard talks with your son. I don't want him to survive dying and then call me a liar.
     
96. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-22 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-22 Pub. Date: 2016-06-22
Image Number: 144899
Caption: There was a two-inch long silverfish skittering over my oatmeal this morning. Lionel said "Daddy, why's it called a silverfish if it's not silver?" But, I thought they do look silver. Not after someone's smacked them 42 times with a shoe. I told Lionel "Shhh ... it's sleeping." Dios mio.
     
97. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-19 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-19 Pub. Date: 2016-06-19
Image Number: 144283
Caption: Hello, you've reached Dubble Cross Health Insurance. This is Ryan. How may I hinder you? Hi, Ryan. I just got a bill form you for $850. It says it's for "professional services." But I'm not with Dubble Cross. I have Czar Health Insurance. That's right, but it says here you used the emergency room the same week you switched from us to Czar. So when they billed your visit to us, you weren't actually covered by us. So you have to pay us back. What're you taking about? I used the emergency room on the last day of December, and I'd already paid you my dues for December, so I was covered! Our billing cycle ends the day before the last day of the month, sir. Since when, Ryan?! Since we realized people wouldn't know that.
     
98. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-17 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-17 Pub. Date: 2016-06-17
Image Number: 144566
Caption: In the wake of what even Republicans have called blatantly racist comments, Donald Trump's campaign may be about to unrave … Click. Experts predict robots will take half of earth's jobs within 30 years. When we tried to reach those experts for comment, their phone lines all went dead. Click. It appears the newly discovered ninth planet is responsible for the comet showers that cause mass extinctions on earth every 26 million years. And we're due for another one right. Click. Gilligaaaaan, the Skipper tooooo ... the millionaaaaire ... and his wiiiiiiiife ...
     
99. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-09 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-09 Pub. Date: 2016-06-09
Image Number: 144222
Caption: I'm flying to Oakland for a book festival in two week. "Vancouver" is going to be there too. The girl you been talkin' to long-distance? You ain't never told me how you met her in the first place. Yeah I did, Clyde. I called you as soon as it happened and told you every last detail. You and I talked for five hours! Anything more'n two minutes, I set the phone down an' watch tv. It's a policy. But you kept applauding! Must've been the studio audience you heard, bruh.
     
100. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-08 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-08 Pub. Date: 2016-06-08
Image Number: 144221
Caption: You know how I've been seeing a lady from Vancouver long-distance? Dr. Noodle. I'm finally going to see her again in person, in just two weeks!!! But now I'm terrified. The one time we were together in person, it was hot and steamy and magical. We tend to build things up in our memories, and reality can never live up to our memories. Try to temper expectations. Too late. She's already started calling me "Thor." Ph.D.
     
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