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Candorville

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81. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-07 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-07 Pub. Date: 2017-01-07
Image Number: 152860
Caption: Hello, wrong number, you've reached the home of Lemont Brown. Yes, I am absolutely sure I'm not the person you're trying to call. Feel free to call back a third time just in case I've realized I actually AM the person I'm not. Beep.
     
82. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-30 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-30 Pub. Date: 2016-12-30
Image Number: 152628
Caption: Ever since I got back from Canada, I've felt like I'm just drifting through my days. Dr. Noodle. Like yesterday, I was interviewing a source I'll call "Deep Throat" at a big pharmaceutical company who told me they're purposely trying to spread the opioid addiction problem to other countries ... because getting people to become dependent on opioid painkillers here has been so profitable. But I ended up just taking Deep Throat to a hockey game. That's normal. For non-Trump-voters, thinking of Canada is a good substitute for opioids.
     
83. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-29 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-29 Pub. Date: 2016-12-29
Image Number: 152627
Caption: I think the main lesson from this election is, liberal elites should stop looking down on people who think minorities are taking their country. Liberals should be more sensitive to the feelings of those who just worry about their jobs, and about how they can tell jokes about gays and the blacks anymore without being called a bigot. That is clearly the main lesson. Maybe the main lesson is Democrats should nominate someone people like. The other lesson for liberals is they should be conservatives.
     
84. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-21 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-21 Pub. Date: 2016-12-21
Image Number: 152371
Caption: Ok … but what actually happened when you and Vancouver saw each other again? I want details! Well, after we spent a few days making up for lost time … After we were convinced that our entire lives led us to this point and we were meant to be together ... Oh wait, my pants are vibrating. I'm getting a call. For some reason, I'm starting to sense it all went horribly wrong. Y'know, what I just said to you would've made no sense at all when we were kids.
     
85. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-23 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-23 Pub. Date: 2016-11-23
Image Number: 151296
Caption: Dick, would you get Lemont Brown on the phone for me? Sorry, it's against my religion. I've converted to being Amish. We're not allowed to use phones, or computers, or copiers … or anything else you might ask me to do. Pretty sure the Amish do use phones, Dick. I'm not sure I'm supposed to be listening to backtalk from the womenfolk.
     
86. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-17 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-17 Pub. Date: 2016-11-17
Image Number: 151019
Caption: Yeah, I said it, we elected a white supremacist President of the United States. If he's gonna "tell it like it is" about minorities and immigrants and the people who elected him applaud that, then I'm going to "tell it like it is" about Trump. Wow. That's awesome. On MY earth, if a black man is as blunt as a white person, they call him an "angry black man." You're so lucky.
     
87. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-18 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-18 Pub. Date: 2016-10-18
Image Number: 149905
Caption: No, baby, don't feel bad. You WERE going to pick me up. It's not your fault my flight was delayed. Taxi queue. Besides, I have a phone interview with Donald Trump now, so I don't have time for you anyway. Besides, every moment I don't see you makes me long for you even more. Can we wrap this up? I have a call to make! Ohhh, you're so sweet!
     
88. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-09 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-09 Pub. Date: 2016-10-09
Image Number: 148825
Caption: Hello, you've reached Candorville county. This is Ryan 2.0. How may I hinder you? My son was mistakenly enrolled in Medicaid. I need him off that. Please listen carefully as our options may have changed. To discuss Medicaid eligibility, say "two." To report fraud, say "three." To report child or elder abuse, say "four." Two. To obtain a business license, say "five." "Two." To dispute a county tax lien or inquire about your property tax bill, say "six." "Two." To make a child support payment, say "seven." To send an inmate a care package, say "eight." "Two." I said TWO! TWO! TWO! TWO! Just put an actual person on the phone! That option is invalid. To purchase coroner gift shop merchandise, say "nine."
     
89. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-05 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-05 Pub. Date: 2016-10-05
Image Number: 149308
Caption: Dick, a friend of mine is sitting in a plane that's been stranded on the runway for six hours. We handle all the TSA's advertising. I know they don't have authority over that, but … say no more, Ms. Garcia. You want me to call them … and get your friend released from that plane by any means necessary. No, never mind. I'll call them myself. I'll tell them of his extensive travels in Syria. Advertising Executive of the Year. 2006.
     
90. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-02 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-02 Pub. Date: 2016-10-02
Image Number: 148531
Caption: It's my memory, doc. The more I look into it, the more it's just all wrong. For instance … Dr. Noodle. The first book I ever read was a "Berenstein Bears" book called Up Down and All Around. But when I tried to buy it for my kid, I discovered it was BerenSTAIN bears, and that there was never a Berenstein Bears books called "Up Down and All Around." It's perfectly normal to misremember things like that. Even large numbers of people collectively misremember things. I remember "Berenstein" too. Oh ... yeah, I figured. It's a lot more likely than thinking aliens kidnapped me from an alternate reality where it was "Berenstein" and put me here ... not that I was thinking that. Take two "stay off the internets" and call me in the morning. Look up "Mandela Effect" and "Ford Logo" on Youtube and then tell me there's no multiverse kidnapping going on!
     
91. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-25 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-25 Pub. Date: 2016-09-25
Image Number: 148272
Caption: It all started when I considered voting for Donald Trump. He's against illegal immigration. I'm against illegal immigration. So why not? People said that made him racist. But I agree with him, and I know I'm not racist. And if people were wrong to call him "racist" about that, maybe they're wrong to call him racist about everything. I started arguing with my own wife. I said demanding Obama's birth certificate wasn't racist. I said wanting to ban all Muslim immigrants wasn't racist. Trump saying a judge couldn't do his job because he's Mexican-American? I said that wasn't racist. I said the fact he kept retweeting white supremacists wasn't racist. But yesterday ... I caught myself saying "What's so racist about white supremacists anyway?" You're worried that supporting Trump is desensitizing you to racism? No, I just wondered if I can bunk here tonight. My wife kicked me out.
     
92. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-24 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-24 Pub. Date: 2016-09-24
Image Number: 148766
Caption: Hello, creditor, you've reached the home of Lemont Brown. Paying 30% interest on the bus ticket you helped me buy 20 years ago is more important to me than survival. So I can't come to the phone right now, because I'm busy bundling all my cash to send to you instead of using it to feed my child, pay my rent and keep my lights on. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you when I'm done making money appear out of thin air. Beep.
     
93. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-14 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-14 Pub. Date: 2016-09-14
Image Number: 148481
Caption: 1982. I don't buy all the stuff they tell me in Sunday school. But I do think there's a God. You do, Lemont? I believe the universe is an organism. Like my hamster. We call it "God," and we're its constituent parts. And like any hamster, it wants every one of its organs and cells to thrive. Even the tunas? 'Cause we kill them and put them in cans. I didn't say I had it all worked out.
     
94. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-12 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-12 Pub. Date: 2016-09-12
Image Number: 148479
Caption: I am the God of thy father Cletus. What? Who that? Cletus. Cletus Dogg. Your father. Didn't nobody call my daddy "Cletus." Erebody called him "Hot Sauce." I call him by his given n … Never mind, that is not important right now, Clyde. "C-Dog." (Sigh) fine, C ... no, it's not fine.
     
95. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-08-29 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-08-29 Pub. Date: 2016-08-29
Image Number: 147919
Caption: Clyde, have you seen the trailer for that new Eddie Murphy movie? Yes, "Magical Negro." I seen it. It's not called "Magical Negro." You mean it ain't about a black character whose only purpose is to use his special insight to aid white characters? It's a true story. So that's different. And it's called "Mr. Church." C-Dog call a movie what it should be called. Wanna go see "Mr. Church" with me? I'd rather go see "Watch Margot Robbie in Hot Pants for Two Hours" again.
     
96. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-08-23 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-08-23 Pub. Date: 2016-08-23
Image Number: 147663
Caption: I met this awesome guy. I think he may be "the one." We talked for hours and never ran out of things to say. He was so interested in what I think, what I do, what I want out of life … We talked about that for hours and hours. Cool. What does he think, do and want out of life? Beats me. I'm sure we'll get around to that once he calls me for a second date. Dios mio.
     
97. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-08-11 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-08-11 Pub. Date: 2016-08-11
Image Number: 147068
Caption: Hello, you've reached the home of Lemont Brown. I can't come to the phone right now because my son and I are busy building a fort out of sofa cushions. Please leave a message and I'll call you back when I'm a grown-up again. Beep.
     
98. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-07-31 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-07-31 Pub. Date: 2016-07-31
Image Number: 145874
Caption: Hello, Mr. Dogg. My hingoa is "Richie." I am calling from illustrious Tonga Tech Alumni Association. You achieved your degree at our online university. Got my doctorate, fool. Get it right. We would like for to extend to you the invitation to now pursue your double doctorate. For a low low price of only $150 U.S. dollars per day you can take your Tonga Tech educationals to the ultimate level in only six weeks. Whatchyall got in your extra-doctorate program, bruh? C-Dog time is valuable. I ain't got six weeks for you, not unless your curriculum is bangin'. We've got very many programs of some sort that will allow you to call yourself "Double Doctor." ... such as a doctorate in real estate management, taught by cardboard cutout of Donald Trump. Lemme think about it. "Double Doctor Dogg" got a ring to it.
     
99. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-07-29 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-07-29 Pub. Date: 2016-07-29
Image Number: 146474
Caption: Hello? … Whachoo mean "who this is?" Who you is? Don't be callin' me askin' who I be, like you ain't got no phone-trainin', when you call somebody, it's customary for you to say who you be. You say yo' name "Clarence"? Well ok then. Now I'll tell you who I be, Clarence. I'm the brotha that found yo' cellphone.
     
100. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-07-16 call 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-07-16 Pub. Date: 2016-07-16
Image Number: 145821
Caption: Baton Rouge police was called 'cause someone said they saw a man with a gun sellin' CDs. The usual thing happened. Brotha didn't obey fast enough, cops rough him up, say he resisted arrest, he end up dead, an' it all on video. Then black people an' white people see two completely different things lookin' at the same exact video. I'm tellin' you bruh, Gilligan ain't never gettin' off this island. He actually got off in a pretty bad tv movie and ... never mind. Not the time.
     
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