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Candorville

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101. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-02 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-02 Pub. Date: 2017-05-02
Image Number: 157546
Caption: Did you read my article on Trump's first 100 days? Nah, bruh. No point. Me knowin' what he does ain't gonna change what he do. Big Cheeto impervious to public opinion, so I might as well not have one. Stop making stupidity sound like wisdom. It's irresponsible. Think of the children. What for? They don't think of me.
     
102. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-26 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-26 Pub. Date: 2017-04-26
Image Number: 157286
Caption: Tell me again why you ain't gone to the doctor 'bout your heart, Big L? I lost my health insurance. I've saved all my life for a down payment on a house, so I'll have something to leave to my son. If I go to the hospital, I'll probably lose it all and he'll inherit nothing. But I have life insurance, so if I die, he'll inherit my savings and $2 million. This country be messed up, bruh. I've recorded 18 years' worth of advice and dad-jokes for him.
     
103. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-25 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-25 Pub. Date: 2017-04-25
Image Number: 157285
Caption: Susan called 911 on me, Clyde. She was trying to get them to come take me in for a heart attack she thought I was having. But they put her on hold. And after a while, she sort of fell asleep and I sort of snuck away. Whachoomean "sort of," Big L? Ain't no such thing as "sort of." Somethin' either be or be not, bruh. One ambulance ride and one day in the hospital would eat up my whole life savings. Dead people ain't got no life savings, bruh.
     
104. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-21 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-21 Pub. Date: 2017-04-21
Image Number: 157016
Caption: Y'know, this world could be a paradise. For the amount of money the world spends on war … We could pay people to leave the rainforests alone. We could feed everyone. We could give everyone health care and an education. We could plant gardens everywhere. The big flower industry would hire armed goons to protect the roses.
     
105. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-18 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-18 Pub. Date: 2017-04-18
Image Number: 157013
Caption: List of places a brotha ain't gotta visit before he die be getting' longer, Big L. Florida, 'cause of "Stand Your Ground" … Chicago 'cause of all them gunfights … the whole Middle East 'cause of Isis 'n' them … I should name the list an' trademark it. Lotta people be leavin' money on the table when they don't trademark. "Bucket List" would've been worth millions. Whachoo got that rhymes with "Bucket List"?
     
106. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-13 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-13 Pub. Date: 2017-04-13
Image Number: 156721
Caption: You been grabbing your chest an' your jaw all day, Big L. What that be about? Nothing. It doesn't hurt. Didn't ask if it hurt, bruh. Oh. Of course not. Anyway, did you see that dumb Pepsi commercial? The one with Kendall Jenner, where they acted like class and racial tensions can be cured by a cans of soda? Stop tryin' to change the subject. You prolly 'bout to have a heart attack. No I'm not. I'm only mumblety-two years old.
     
107. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-09 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-09 Pub. Date: 2017-04-09
Image Number: 155971
Caption: Donald Trump is cutting all funding for NPR, the National Endowment for the Arts, PBS, the Institute of Museum and Library Services, and more. What? They goin' after Big Bird? What Big Bird do to him? I didn't know Trump was mad at 'im. I ain't seen no tweet about it or nothin'. Big Bird'll be fine. HBO owns Big Bird now. Say what? I don't know if I could watch Big Bird on HBO. Last thing I need to see is Big Bird naked, or Big Bird choppin' off people arms an' whatnot. That's not the point. The point is, he's stripping funding from the Smithsonian and other icons of our culture, but buying more bombs we don't need. I don't need to see Big Bird slingin' smack for the mafia. It's not always about Big Bird.
     
108. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-04-04 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-04-04 Pub. Date: 2017-04-04
Image Number: 156466
Caption: Good game, Big L. You only put it in the wrong basket once. I was preoccupied, Clyde. Taxes are due. If I take too many deductions, my income'll look tiny and I won't qualify for a mortgage. I see, bruh. When we was kids, your excuse was "the sun was in my eyes." Also, I saw an unfamiliar mole and wondered if it was malignant.
     
109. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-31 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-31 Pub. Date: 2017-03-31
Image Number: 156201
Caption: You know why I don't buy none of your books, bruh? It's 'cause you a snitch. Your books always be based on what real people do. You got Susan up in there. You got me up in there. You even got Big Oatmeal up in those books, puttin' us all on blast. What're you talking about, "C-Dog"? Yeah, I loosely base my stories on my life and on the people I know, but I change all the names and details for privacy's sake. Ain't nobody fooled by you callin' me C-Cat," snitch. C-Cat's a composite of several different people.
     
110. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-11 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-11 Pub. Date: 2017-03-11
Image Number: 155384
Caption: I'm sick of my wife being such a jerk. Take the other day: She was working, and I reached over her to grab something. I accidentally knocked over her cup, spilling coffee all over her, her keyboard, her desk, and her treadmill. She yelled "Aaagh! What the -- " really loudly and acted like it was a big deal. Did you apologize? I would have, but her yelling like that was inconsiderate. So I told her off. Coffee wasn't even hot. What was her problem?
     
111. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-25 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-25 Pub. Date: 2017-02-25
Image Number: 154806
Caption: That astronomer Neil Degrasse Tyson admitted he was wrong about those deflated footballs the Patriots used two years ago. That's proof that the so-called "global warming" thing is a big fat hoax. You're saying that if someone's wrong about one thing. They must have been wrong about anything they've ever said? Hypothetically. I wouldn't know, since I've never been wrong. The Jungle.
     
112. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-24 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-24 Pub. Date: 2017-01-24
Image Number: 153702
Caption: 1982. What do you want to be when you grow up, Lemont? I want to be a factory worker. Then I could wear overalls and join a union and live in a big house in a small town and win the heart of a pretty girl. Papa says I'm a pretty girl. Yeah, but your dad's not rich and snobby and he'd probably approve of me. Life doesn't have to be like the movies. I just think it'd be cool to be the "boy from the wrong side of the tracks" to someone.
     
113. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-06 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-06 Pub. Date: 2017-01-06
Image Number: 152859
Caption: I feel like a burrito right now, Clyde. You can't have no burrito, Big L. You a single dad raisin' a two-year-old baby. What'll happen to him if you drop dead of a heart attack? Parents who don't take care of theyselves an' don't watch they carbs an minerals an' such is selfish. Whatever. Give me back my burrito, Clyde. Somebody gotta look out for the children.
     
114. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-04 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-04 Pub. Date: 2017-01-04
Image Number: 152857
Caption: I need some new pants. Want to come shopping? I'll pretend you ain't asked me that, Big L. Bruthas don't "shop" together. That's what women do. What, you need me to tell you if them jeans make you look fat? You need me to tell you how pretty you is? Get outta here with that #$%@. Clyde, a man who's secure in his own sexuality isn't afraid to go shopping with another man. I'll pretend you ain't said "sexuality" to me.
     
115. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-30 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-30 Pub. Date: 2016-12-30
Image Number: 152628
Caption: Ever since I got back from Canada, I've felt like I'm just drifting through my days. Dr. Noodle. Like yesterday, I was interviewing a source I'll call "Deep Throat" at a big pharmaceutical company who told me they're purposely trying to spread the opioid addiction problem to other countries ... because getting people to become dependent on opioid painkillers here has been so profitable. But I ended up just taking Deep Throat to a hockey game. That's normal. For non-Trump-voters, thinking of Canada is a good substitute for opioids.
     
116. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-23 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-23 Pub. Date: 2016-12-23
Image Number: 152373
Caption: I realized Christmas was a bunch of nonsense when we was kids, Big L. You know why? 'Cause of all the snow. Reindeer in the snow. Pine trees in the snow. Fat Santa in the snow. But Jesus was from the Middle East, dawg. The Middle East where it's hot. That's why I decorate my tree with hummus. There wasn't nary a snowflake in the bible, bruh.
     
117. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-18 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-18 Pub. Date: 2016-12-18
Image Number: 151614
Caption: I wish I could fly, Big L. I know what you mean. Ever since I donned my first pair of underoos, I wanted to fly too. But the older I get, the more I realize it's not all it's cracked up to be. First of all, there's all the stuff in the air you'd crash into: birds, helicopters, jets, drones, power lines ... Then there are all the idiots who'd take a shot at you. And if you flew high enough to avoid all that, you'd freeze your nuggets off. Flying's one of those powers you think would be cool, but really wouldn't be. Like invisibility. I don't know what you talkin' about, bruh. I just meant I'm on the no-fly list. If you were an invisible hero, people would still see your clothes. You'd have to fight crime naked.
     
118. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-19 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-19 Pub. Date: 2016-11-19
Image Number: 151021
Caption: 1982. Mrs. Cass just taught us about the Big Bang. It's how the universe started, in a big explosion. What exploded? A singularity. Mrs. Cass told us "It's like a zit. You may not know where it came from, but you sure do know when it pops." What's a "zit"? I almost never understand what Mrs. Cass says.
     
119. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-01 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-01 Pub. Date: 2016-11-01
Image Number: 150472
Caption: C-Dog, my stocks haven't appreciated in years. Should I hold or sell? C-Dog's incredibly bad advice 50¢. I get that question all the time. Here what you do: Pull out all your money … an' take it down to the alley between 42 an' 43 Vernon Street. Ask for "Big Oatmeal," he offer alternative investments that give you better odds. E'rethang from dice, to dominoes, to chicken fights. Chicken fights? It's important to diversify.
     
120. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-20 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-20 Pub. Date: 2016-10-20
Image Number: 149907
Caption: Mr. Trump, a couple weeks ago, you said something outrageous and I want to give you a chance to clarify your thoughts. Vancouver Taxi. Listen, all I said was I kiss women and grab their junk without permission. What's the big deal? EVERY guy brags about how he sexually assaults broads. Trump. (A) I was referring to your comment about the "Central Park Five," and (B) ... No, no they don't!
     
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