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Candorville

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341. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-12-19 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-12-19 Pub. Date: 2010-12-19
Image Number: 55242
Caption: Say what? I said: I've been thinking about how YOU think you should be more "GUY." You said you ran into some big, muscly, sports-fanatic GUY, who you said probably showers in beer. Well … it probably would've been more "guy" of you to say he showers in Clorox. Y'know. Because Clorox is corrosive, so you'd have to be a real tough guy to withstand that. Susan, a real GUY wouldn't know what Clorox is. I guess not.
     
342. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-12-02 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-12-02 Pub. Date: 2010-12-02
Image Number: 54753
Caption: Fear, Inc. What's wrong, Alonso? Everyone's excited about convincing a few voters to vote against their own interests. It's PATHETIC! I remember when this company took on the BIG battles. Why, when I was just an intern, I single-handedly convinced Queen Isabella to start the Spanish Inquisition! Oh Lord ... Alonso's going on about the Inquisition again. There's no institutional memory around here at all!
     
343. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-11-14 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-11-14 Pub. Date: 2010-11-14
Image Number: 53962
Caption: 1982. You see WHAT when you look at that cloud, Lemont? I see a star. Clouds are floating water. Water is two hydrogen atoms bonded to one oxygen atom. Hydrogen was the first molecule formed after the Big Bang, and it lived in the hearts of primordial stars. Those stars went supernova, and blew hydrogen and molecules and elements across the universe. Those elements coalesced to form everything in our solar system, including you, and me and the clouds. Even boogers? When I see a booger, I see a star.
     
344. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-11-07 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-11-07 Pub. Date: 2010-11-07
Image Number: 53696
Caption: Dr. Noodle. So what brings you to therapy? A cab. Very funny. Why's that funny? Huh? You think my not being able to afford a car is funny? No, I think … You think standing out there for an hour while cab after cab passed me by - for obvious reasons - is funny? ... I'm just messin' with you, dawg. I walked here. Oh. Hey heh. ... So, why are you here? it all started with the Big Bang ...
     
345. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-10-20 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-10-20 Pub. Date: 2010-10-20
Image Number: 53247
Caption: Ain't no point livin' in the past, Big L. Think about this here: maybe there was a reason things didn't work out with you and Sasha sixteen years ago. Yeah. There was. I froze up. I choked. I blew it. But she wrote to me, and I'm not gonna make the same mistake twice! You gonna make all new ones. Yeah. ... No!
     
346. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-10-10 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-10-10 Pub. Date: 2010-10-10
Image Number: 52728
Caption: Maybe both creationists and evolutionists are right. How so? God is supposedly all-powerful, right? Of course. Well, what if God DID create everything just 6,000 years ago … … And then God realized the story needed more depth; so God went back and revised it, giving it a backstory. God edited-in billions of years of Big Bangs and galaxy clusterings and amino acids and evolution. I still think it's too late for you to be born rich, Lemont. The great author in the sky can insert dinosaurs mid-story, Susan. Dinosaurs.
     
347. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-10-06 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-10-06 Pub. Date: 2010-10-06
Image Number: 52724
Caption: Wait … did you say my talk in Walnut Creek was online? You saw it? You didn't know? It was on TV, too. OMG! I KNEW IT WOULD LEAD TO SOMETHING BIG. WAS IT PRIME TIME? NBC? CBS? CNN? The library channel at two in the morning. Just as good! Did you actually just say "OMG"?
     
348. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-09-11 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-09-11 Pub. Date: 2010-09-11
Image Number: 51719
Caption: Hey, Clyde. Just got home from my trip. And I noticed my computer and my TV are gone. Do you know anything about that? Big L, why would -- OH NO! LOOK AT THAT! IS THAT A DISTRACTION?! What?! Where?!
     
349. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-09-06 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-09-06 Pub. Date: 2010-09-06
Image Number: 51714
Caption: How was your flight home, Lemont? Great! Really? But when you called from the airport, you were griping about how they charge $50 for each bag you check. Pfft! I got around that, easy. I'm just big-boned.
     
350. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-08-29 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-08-29 Pub. Date: 2010-08-29
Image Number: 51242
Caption: I think I'm starting to get over Kelly, Doc. The seven times she broke up with me are starting to sink in. Seven … I'm already forgetting what I loved about her. Anyway, I'm forgetting her big brown eyes that simmer like the moonlight. I no longer recall her voice, as smooth as silk sheets and as melodious as a songbird ... I've forgotten how her skin was the color of mocha and smelled like lavender, and how her lips tasted like butterscotch candy. I'm glad to see you're making progress. Does that mean you think she'll call me again?
     
351. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-08-22 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-08-22 Pub. Date: 2010-08-22
Image Number: 50982
Caption: You ever thought of rapping in Haiku? Nah. I'd rather rap right here. Here is closer. What? What? I ain't goin' to Asian. Huh? What? Listen … I wrote a rap for you in Haiku. What? You ain't never been to Asia neither, Big L. Who you foolin'? Haiku is poetry, Clyde. I don't care how beautiful it is, I ain't goin'!
     
352. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-08-15 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-08-15 Pub. Date: 2010-08-15
Image Number: 50724
Caption: Does it bother you that nobody trusts you, Clyde? It don't bother me, Big L. I don't think I wanna be trusted, no how, look at BP. Huh? The people thought BP was competent, right? Right. The people TRUSTED BP, right? Right. Well … look what happened. One huge oil spill that killed the whole Gulf of Mexico, and the people TURNED on BP! What the ... Look, I just want you to give me back my wallet. An' look at Tiger Woods ...
     
353. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-07-20 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-07-20 Pub. Date: 2010-07-20
Image Number: 49780
Caption: Wait in the green room. I'll introduce you both, then you'll come out and sit at the table. So … Stephen King … "I'm a big fan of your work." "I'm a big fan of your work?" Don't be a groupie, Lemont. I'm a big fan of your work. Um … are you ok? Yeah. Why do you ask?
     
354. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-06-28 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-06-28 Pub. Date: 2010-06-28
Image Number: 49030
Caption: Hotel X. I grew up poor. People thought I wouldn't go anywhere in life. But now I'm a big-time reporter and my newspaper flew me to another city to give a speech to 2,000 people. At last ... Dignity. Success. Respect. Snap. Snap! Valet. Valet!
     
355. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-06-01 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-06-01 Pub. Date: 2010-06-01
Image Number: 48013
Caption: Hello, Mom, you've reached the home of Lemont Brown. I can't come to the phone because I'm flying to Walnut Creek to give a big speech and forgot to invite you. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I need someone to pinch my cheeks while I work.
     
356. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-05-28 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-05-28 Pub. Date: 2010-05-28
Image Number: 47785
Caption: Can I get a quote from you for the story, Boss? Fire away, Brown. In retrospect, was letting Behemoth Oil do whatever they wanted in our basement a wise idea? Well, I weighted the pros and cons … The con was possible environmental calamity, which, y'know, that's pretty big. But it turns out a billion dollars weighs a lot.
     
357. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-05-24 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-05-24 Pub. Date: 2010-05-24
Image Number: 47781
Caption: Big speech tonight, Brown. You have butterflies? Depends, boss ... Which answer would hurt my prospects for promotion more? The self-deprecatingly endearing but weak truth, or the obnoxiously overconfident yet strong lie? You really can't win either way. Then no, I'm cool.
     
358. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-05-20 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-05-20 Pub. Date: 2010-05-20
Image Number: 47474
Caption: You only afraid of public speaking 'cause you think the audience gonna eat you alive. Well, it's TRUE. … but so what? They even did that to Richard Pryor. But he jujitsued those hecklers, Big L. Do what he did. Acknowledge their hostility and make them laugh about it. No, threaten to slap them in the mouth with your- Good talk, Clyde. C-Dog's Incredibly Bad Advice $2.
     
359. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-05-17 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-05-17 Pub. Date: 2010-05-17
Image Number: 47471
Caption: I have to give a big speech, but public speaking scares the spit out of me. I've tried emulating great public speakers like Roosevelt, Clinton, King -- That's ya problem right there. You mean if I were to stop trying to be like good public speakers and just let myself be ME, I'd do fine? No, I mean you're boring as @#$%. Shut up already. C-Dog's incredibly bad advice $2.
     
360. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2010-05-06 big 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2010-05-06 Pub. Date: 2010-05-06
Image Number: 47013
Caption: Aw, that doesn't sound that bad, Lemont. Say what? Brown, are you ready to give that big speech next week in Walnut Creek to 2000 people who'll be staring at you and judging your every word? Oh, did I forget to tell you we scheduled you for that? I hadn't projectile-vomited since grade school. I'm sure he didn't notice.
     
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