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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-19 better 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-19 Pub. Date: 2017-09-19
Image Number: 162849
Caption: When my little boy got home from day care and found out I'd sold the microwave, he started sobbing. Dr. Noodle. He asked who bought it. I said "a neighbor." He whimpered and blubbered "But I don't want the neighbor to have it! I want us to have it!" M.A ... I tried to make him feel better by telling him it's best not to have one anyway, because all microwaves leak radiation and that can cause cancer ... and that's when your son accused you of trying to murder your neighbor? I never realized how horrible a person I was until my son started asking questions.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-27 better 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-27 Pub. Date: 2017-08-27
Image Number: 161361
Caption: Excuse me, sir, if it's not too much trouble … Hi, Democrats. What can I get you? Coffee Sandwiches? An explanation. We introduced our bold new plan last month: "A Better Deal," but the progressives still aren't impressed. What more could they ask for? We focus-group tested the heck out of the slogan. It was the least objectionable and least un-inspiring of the bunch! It evokes FDR's "New Deal" and LBJ's "Fair Deal" without over-promising. We don't want to risk over-promising. It even sounded progressive! We mentioned tax credits to retrains workers, a $15 minimum wage (eventually), regulating prescription drug prices, and busting monopolies, maybe. We even said we'd think about forming a committee to consider considering sing-payer health care, among many other more corporate-donor-friendly options that aren't single-payer. And we introduced it with an editorial vowing not to expand government or move our party in one direction or another along the political spectrum. Bold! So why didn't that fire up the progressive base? ... Hello?
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-02 better 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-02 Pub. Date: 2017-07-02
Image Number: 159209
Caption: You ever think maybe the world would've been better off if we'd lost the Revolutionary War? Seriously? You gonna say that right before the Fourth of July? It's just a thought experiment. You scared of thought experiments? C-Dog ain't scared of nothin'. All right. Let's say France never helped us win the revolution. We'd have lost. Britain probably still would've freed the slaves in 1833, so ... No civil war. No backlash to reconstruction, so ... no KKK. France wouldn't have drowned in debt. Their monarchy would've lasted longer, so ... no Napoleon. No Napoleon, no threat uniting German nationalists, so ... no World War I or II ... no Hitler. No Manifest Destiny, so no genocide of Native Americans. The UK wouldn't have turned to the Middle East and Africa to replace its lost holdings, so ... no carving up the Ottoman Empire, no chaos in the Middle East, and no ISIS. Bruh ... if you don't wanna loan me $20 for fireworks, just say so. We'd probably still have black licorice. No getting around that.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-18 better 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-18 Pub. Date: 2017-06-18
Image Number: 158658
Caption: I read your article bashing Congressman Thugman for assaulting a reporter, you'd better watch your back, Leroy. Lemont. Whatever. You should change your name to "Enemy of the American People." Trump said so, and he's right. How was he right? There's nothing more American than a free press. Read the first amendment. The press is enshrined in the Constitution! Journalists report being beaten, arrested. Oh yeah? Well, the so-called "Constitution" also enshrined slavery. Yeah, but then the Constitution abolished slavery, with the 13th amendment. Exactly. It's crazy for you to defend yourself with a document that can't even make up its mind. No wonder they're body-slamming you guys now. I'm starting to think you'll say anything just to win an argument. That's my first amendment right. Why do you hate the Constitution?
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-05-21 better 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-05-21 Pub. Date: 2017-05-21
Image Number: 157604
Caption: I'm tired of people complaining about how the coral reefs have pretty much died off. I mean yeah, a huge variety of fish and other sealife rely on the coral reefs. And yeah, about 500 million people in turn depend on that sealife for food, jobs and recreation. But it's not mankind's fault those sea creatures decided to sponge off the hard work of the polyps that made all the coral. Wait ... what? ... and it's not our fault that 500 million people didn't think ahead and get real jobs instead of sponging off welfare fish. Besides, marine habitats are something better left to private industry. If the fish really want vast expanses of underwater limestone shelters, let them buy it on the free market like the rest of us. Besides, I was just wasting my time with all those snorkeling vacations. I should've been working. You're just trying to make yourself feel better. Newsweak.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-02 better 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-02 Pub. Date: 2017-03-02
Image Number: 155069
Caption: This morning, Lionel asked me how they make cereal and I realized … I had no idea. How am I supposed to keep my baby boy from growing up to be a moron if I can't even answer simple questions? Anyway, I found a video about cereal-making on Youtube and showed it to him. The best brad he'll be able to come up with when he's in school is "My dad can google better than your dad."
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-12 better 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-12 Pub. Date: 2017-02-12
Image Number: 153753
Caption: I'll take you back on one condition: No more cheating. Ok. Also, you'd better not even look at another woman. Ok. And you have to give me all your passwords so I can monitor all your social media accounts. Ok. And you have to go to counseling with me and admit how horrible a person you are. And you have to come home straight after work. And you have to get my permission to go anywhere else. And you can't talk to any females other than me or your mother. And you have to let me handle all your finances. And you have to keep quiet when my friends and family treat you like the trash you are for the rest of your life. I thought you said one condition. "Your life being over" IS one condition. Note to self: Never, ever, ever say "take me back."
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-29 better 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-29 Pub. Date: 2017-01-29
Image Number: 153149
Caption: It all started back in college when I bought a copy of "Mimic City." It was cheap: About 20 simoleons. Dr. Noodle. I played it night and day. When "Mimic City 2" came out, I rushed out to buy it. And every few years a newer, better one would come out. Every iteration was more advanced than the last. The little mimics who populated Mimic City came to seem more and more real. They had jobs, and love lives, and had mimic kids, and grew old. Eventually, I started to wonder: If my mimics behave as if they're real ... what if they actually believe they're real? Would that make me their God? And, if they think they're real ... what if I only THINK I'm real? What if I and everyone else in Simkind are actually living in some game called "Sim City"? Not to self: Stop self-medicating, and just to be sure, delete games from phone. Thank you, Almighty Noodle, for listening to my prayers. Amen.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-01-25 better 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-01-25 Pub. Date: 2017-01-25
Image Number: 153703
Caption: 1982. Last night I looked across the alley and saw your light on, but you weren't answering your tin can. I didn't know you called me. Maybe the string wasn't tight enough to receive the call. But I was busy anyway. I was writing to my pen pal. Chuck's been having trouble working up the courage to talk to some little red-haired girl. He was even too timid to try my suggested "pull her hair" ice-breaker. That's my best move. I don't know why you men think us women like that. Try my can again tonight, I'll try to get better reception.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-19 better 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-19 Pub. Date: 2016-12-19
Image Number: 152369
Caption: So how'd Canada go, Lemont? How'd it go when you and "Vancouver" saw each other for the first time in a year? It went horribly. When she opened the door, it was fireworks all over again. The evening was pure magic. The next few days were even better. That does sound horrible. It was as if the great author in the sky were setting me up for a soul-crushing plot twist.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-04 better 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-04 Pub. Date: 2016-12-04
Image Number: 151096
Caption: The other day, somebody in a red Trump hat actually to me to "Go back where you came from, n*****." I'm not surprised. That's been happening a lot. Trump's election encouraged white supremacists everywhere to come out of the shadows. They think it's their day again. Well this ain't Selma, an' I ain't Martin Luther the King. That fool found that out right quick, bruh. This ain't 1965. This here 2016. Fools better know "n*****s" be armed now. Oh god, Clyde! What did you do?! What did you do?! You had a gun?! No, I had an iPhone. I recorded the whole thing. Put it on Youtube. In just two hours, that fool got fired. Oh. Maybe we should all be packing iPhones for the next four years.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-06 better 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-06 Pub. Date: 2016-11-06
Image Number: 149972
Caption: I don't care about anything I've heard lately, I'm still voting for Donald Trump on Tuesday. Yeah, maybe he teaches young men it's ok to objectify and assault women. And maybe he teaches young women that they're worthless. But we're not electing a "role model." And sure, maybe he's a tad racist. But we're not electing a "sensitivity trainer." Sigh. Newsweak. And yeah, maybe he hasn't paid income taxes ever since "Pocahontas" was in theaters, but we're not electing a "Taxpayer in Chief." And sure, maybe he's far better at alienating people than he is at winning them over. But we're not electing a "leader." ... What? Nothing.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-04 better 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-04 Pub. Date: 2016-11-04
Image Number: 150475
Caption: 1982. What do you think life'll be like in, say … 2012? Well if you look at the arc of mankind's progress, it'll be very different. We went from the Wright Brothers to the moon in just 66 years! At this rate, we'll have colonized Alpha Centauri and the Klingons by 2012. Plus, we'll all be rich. Momma says every generation does better than its parents. I'll probably be the first one in my family to ever own a home. Not on Mars, though, that'd just be ghetto. Wow, I can't wait till 2012!
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-11-01 better 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-11-01 Pub. Date: 2016-11-01
Image Number: 150472
Caption: C-Dog, my stocks haven't appreciated in years. Should I hold or sell? C-Dog's incredibly bad advice 50¢. I get that question all the time. Here what you do: Pull out all your money … an' take it down to the alley between 42 an' 43 Vernon Street. Ask for "Big Oatmeal," he offer alternative investments that give you better odds. E'rethang from dice, to dominoes, to chicken fights. Chicken fights? It's important to diversify.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-21 better 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-21 Pub. Date: 2016-10-21
Image Number: 149908
Caption: Mr. Trump, in 1989, a white woman was assaulted in Central Park. Five black and brown teens confessed. Vancouver Taxi. You took out a full page ad demanding the death penalty. In 2002, they were all proven innocent. The real perpetrator confessed, DNA evidence exonerated them, and courts found the cops had coerced their confessions. Yet just two weeks ago, you insisted they were still guilty anyway ... Why? I'm a better judge of guilt than the evidence is.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-06 better 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-06 Pub. Date: 2016-10-06
Image Number: 149309
Caption: I heard a passerby comment that a plane has been stuck on the tarmac for seven hours and the passengers are furious. That's because they don't realize that life in a stranded plane is better than no life at all, Rozencrantz. They could sit there and think "at least we haven't crashed." And they've got all the peanuts and ginger ale in the world. I heard they've run out of peanuts. There will be blood. Spare change?
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-10 better 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-10 Pub. Date: 2016-09-10
Image Number: 148219
Caption: I have to admit, Big L, you gettin' better. You made two shots in the right basket. I was proud, bruh. I was in the zone. It was like I was a leaf blowing on the wind. A pebble floating in the river Almost nobody even laughed this time when you tried to dunk an' missed the rim. You noticed that?
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-08-25 better 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-08-25 Pub. Date: 2016-08-25
Image Number: 147665
Caption: C-Dog don't never dream 'cause dreamin' just make real life worse, Big L. Let's say I dream I can stand on a corner or walk across the street without some cop bothering me. Then when I wake up, no matter where I go, there some cop lookin' out his car window at me, just waiting for a reason to "put me in my place." If I don't dream things can be better, then I ain't never disappointed. I know what you mean. Last night I dreamt you weren't depressing.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-07-09 better 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-07-09 Pub. Date: 2016-07-09
Image Number: 145507
Caption: I haven't been pulled over by the cops for no reason in months. That means one of two things: either racism is over or they ran out of money and had to lay off some cops. Of you're driving better. I sent you an evite to racism's going away party.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-07-07 better 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-07-07 Pub. Date: 2016-07-07
Image Number: 145505
Caption: Garcia, it's come to my attention that you earn substantially less than your male colleagues, even though you do better work. That is totally unacceptable. I've discussed it with the partners, and we'd like to offer you a raise. CEO of the Year 2002. From now on, you'll be earning only slightly less than your male colleagues. I'm only slightly less disgusted. She's accepted. Draw up the paperwork.
     
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