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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-02-16 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-02-16 Pub. Date: 2018-02-16
Image Number: 168417
Caption: I can't get over Black Panther, Clyde. Me neither, bruh. I ain't never had to sit next to no dude wearin' nothin' but black body-paint before. I tried spandex, but it still looked too puffy. Bruh … It's not my fault Disney made Black Panther's costume so skintight. Can ... can we not talk 'bout it no more?
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-29 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-29 Pub. Date: 2018-01-29
Image Number: 167917
Caption: Did you know Youtube is a treasure trove of historic interviews? Last night, I watched Texas Governor John Connally speak. He was in his hospital bed, just days after the and John F. Kennedy were shot in Dallas. He recounted what happened, what was said in the car just before and during the assassination ... and at the end he gave an ominous warning about division in America, and he appealed for tolerance and togetherness. All the commenters agreed he was a little too eloquent, so he must've been in on it. Well, it's good that be brought people together.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-18 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-18 Pub. Date: 2018-01-18
Image Number: 167358
Caption: This C-Dog. Whachoo want, fool? Clyde, it's me, Lemont. I just wanna say thanks for watching Lionel for me tonight. Just an FYI: I'm potty training him, so please don't put a diaper on him till bedtime. Also, he's refusing to use the potty, so he may jump up and run around the house in mid-poop. Why you ain't tell me all this BEFORE I agreed to watch him?! No reason. (Originally published on 2015-12-31)
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-16 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-16 Pub. Date: 2018-01-16
Image Number: 167356
Caption: I've considered what you said, about how every story, change only occurs after an interlude. But those are stories, Rosencrantz, not real life. In real life, the biggest changes often occur randomly and unexpectedly. There usually is no calm before the storm. We often jarringly shift from one storm to the next. And unlike with fictional characters, the actions of real people often don't make sense. I still demand to know why you took my shoe. (Originally published on 2015-12-29).
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-14 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-14 Pub. Date: 2018-01-14
Image Number: 166587
Caption: I was walking along the sidewalk minding my own business … Dr Noodle … when a cop stopped me and ticketed me for walking without a driver's license. Then he took me to jail and held me there for seven hours. May lawyer found out he's done this before, almost always to black pedestrians. I tried really hard to understand why he does that. I thought "maybe he's just incompetent. Maybe he's emasculated at home so he overcompensates at work. Maybe he was trained to do this and so it's not his fault. Maybe the Mandela Effect is real and he came from an alternate universe where walking without a driver's license actually is illegal. People often go to great lengths to avoid noticing this particular elephant in the room. I'm told it's awfully rude to accuse people who do racist things of being racist.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-08 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-08 Pub. Date: 2018-01-08
Image Number: 167089
Caption: How was your New Years? Great. This year, I was designated good guy with a gun. You know how every year, bozos all over America fire off their semi-automatic rifles into the air to ring in the new year? Well, the NRA has a hotline for that. You call it, they send out a good guy with a gun to blast all those bullets out of the sky before they can come back down on you and your kids ... You're joking, right? Of course I'm joking. Everyone knows those bullets don't come back down.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-07 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-07 Pub. Date: 2018-01-07
Image Number: 166341
Caption: I saw that article you wrote about net neutrality being killed. What a bunch of whiny, panicky snowflakery. You wrote "get ready to pay extra to stream your favorite shows and make internet calls." Yeah. Before net neutrality, AT&T throttled Skye and didn't stop until pressured by the FCC and consumers. You scared? You wrote "get ready to pay a fee to connect your smart home to the internet." That's right ... Without net neutrality, there are no rules to prevent your ISP from charging you whatever fees they want. Maybe you need a safe space where the big bad ISP can't get to your piggy bank. You know, you're kind of rude. Oh, you're going to get personal now? You've clearly lost the debate if you have to resort to personal attacks. What the -- you got personal. I was just ... (sigh) ... oh, forget it. Don't get upset. I just won the Gaslighting Association's Internet-Arguing World Championship. I'm just celebrating.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-12-16 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-12-16 Pub. Date: 2017-12-16
Image Number: 166006
Caption: Wow. The Last Jedi was such a good movie. I never saw an audience give a film a standing ovation before. Well, wait until Youtubers get ahold of it. Youtube's full of random people who think they're experts on film. They love to tear movies apart. They always say the same things, too: "It had pacing problems." Or "That moment wasn't earned." Or "That scene wasn't necessary." I'm thinking of starting Youtube channel where I give my critiques of people's critiques. Dios mio.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-19 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-19 Pub. Date: 2017-11-19
Image Number: 164467
Caption: Great-looking hair, made easy. Just dye. We now return to our program. How much time do I have to save the kitten, bring Timmy his inhaler, and defuse the nuclear bomb? You have a lot less time than you did before you started that sentence. We'll be back after these messages ... I'm rally psyched Little Tyrant Pizza's bringing the flavor with its new pecan guacamole dipping sauce! A guy, a beach, a skateboard. A girl bouncing in slow motion. And these corn chips that have nothing to do with any of that. Buy them. Six other commercials that go on so long that you don't remember what show you're watching. Going back to Netflixing everything. And now back to our show ... What were we doing? Defusing something or other, I think.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-11-02 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-11-02 Pub. Date: 2017-11-02
Image Number: 164418
Caption: All this talk about "Mars" is so stupid. We should fix the planet we already have before we go somewhere else. Talk about "stupid." Going to Mars could be the only thing that'll enable us to "fix" earth, because "necessity is the mother of invention." The technologies we develop to keep a Martian colony habitable could be applied here to clean up our own environment ... Um ... I lost you at "talk about stupid," didn't I? I'm warming up to the thought of going to Mars.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-10-11 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-10-11 Pub. Date: 2017-10-11
Image Number: 163630
Caption: Bruh, you gotta stop writing about "Star Track Discovery." Don't nobody like it. Get over it. "Trek." And it's a great show! It's just a vocal minority online that keep coming up with ridiculous reasons to hate it. They decided long before they ever saw it was gonna be horrible, and now they just don't want to be wrong. It's textbook case of confirmation bias! I knew you wasn't gonna make no sense, an' I was right.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-21 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-21 Pub. Date: 2017-09-21
Image Number: 162851
Caption: How old was that microwave oven you sold me, anyway? Why? Well, when I heated up my midnight Hot Pocket, I stood before the unit staring into its window, as I'm wont to do. When it dinged, I took out my savory snack, fastened my bib, and turned around to find that my shadow had been burned into the wall. It might be a little old. I want my $5 back, with interest.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-18 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-18 Pub. Date: 2017-09-18
Image Number: 162848
Caption: But I can't get rid of it. Momma told me it belonged to my father, and to his father before him. I never knew either of them. Susan, the only family heirloom I have from them are my hat, my antique pocket watch and this. A microwave oven is not a "family heirloom," Lemont. Get rid of it. But Grandpa Brown warmed up his rations with it during the Korean War. It's time, Lemont.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-03 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-03 Pub. Date: 2017-09-03
Image Number: 161589
Caption: If Democrats know what's good for them, they'll move further right. That's how they can win elections. All my conservative friends agree. And we tell that to every Democrat we see every chance we get. That's very considerate of you, to help out the opposition like that. Oh, I've always been considerate. When I was a small child, I used to let other kids copy my test answers before I changed them to the right ones. Wait ... what was that? What was what? You said you let kids copy your wrong answers before you changed them to the right answers. Did I? I don't think so. You did. It's exactly what you just said you did. If you know what's good for you, you'll just passively accept what others say without thinking too much about it. Let me guess: Your class was graded on a curve?
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-15 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-15 Pub. Date: 2017-08-15
Image Number: 161532
Caption: Guess what? My iPhone 7 just started slowing down. Just a month or so before the iPhone 8 comes out. Remember when my iPhone 6 started slowing down? That was just about a month or so before the iphone 7 came out. You know … Apple lawyers can hear erethang you sayin' through Siri, bruh. *I am not necessarily implying any trickery or intentional wrongdoing on the part of Apple. I wasn't never here.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-13 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-13 Pub. Date: 2017-08-13
Image Number: 160919
Caption: Hi momma … What do you mean you've been deported? … Yes, yes, I do know about your love for bean pie. What's that have to do with … Really? ICE raided Muhammad's Bean Pie Shack? … But why would they think you weren't a citizen? … So what if you didn't have ID! This is Ameri -- They did what? They asked you questions to make you prove you're a citizen? ... What questions? ... I see. Listen, momma, when armed goons handcuff you and demand that you tell them who the president it, I don't care what your politics are, you don't answer "Donald Duck." ... Yes, momma, I do see the similarities. But the time for political satire is before they come for you. Not during. Yes, I am flossing regular -- Momma, let me call a lawyer -- Yes, I know, but Cousin Pookie is a divorce attorney. No, it's not the same --
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-28 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-28 Pub. Date: 2017-07-28
Image Number: 160761
Caption: So … how are things going with you and Ace Peerless? Who wholess? Your boyfriend. Ace. He called me before I left Russia, and asked for the best way to propose to you. I said "One word: Balloons." I don't know this "Ace Peerless" of whom you speak. Have you ever thought of seeing a therapist about your commitment issues? No way. They want you to keep coming back.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-18 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-18 Pub. Date: 2017-07-18
Image Number: 160502
Caption: I'm so glad I caught you before you left town, Vancouver. So am I, Candorville. But why'd you want to meet here? Why not in the city? I wanted to see where you live. I wanted to meet your little boy. I wanted to show you this video a friend of mine sent me of you cheating on me with some muscle-bound oaf, and I didn't want the horrible memory of me dumping you to taint my city. Also, I wanted a caramel-kiwi mocha, and the only cafe that makes it is out here. Wait ... Back up?
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-02 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-02 Pub. Date: 2017-07-02
Image Number: 159209
Caption: You ever think maybe the world would've been better off if we'd lost the Revolutionary War? Seriously? You gonna say that right before the Fourth of July? It's just a thought experiment. You scared of thought experiments? C-Dog ain't scared of nothin'. All right. Let's say France never helped us win the revolution. We'd have lost. Britain probably still would've freed the slaves in 1833, so ... No civil war. No backlash to reconstruction, so ... no KKK. France wouldn't have drowned in debt. Their monarchy would've lasted longer, so ... no Napoleon. No Napoleon, no threat uniting German nationalists, so ... no World War I or II ... no Hitler. No Manifest Destiny, so no genocide of Native Americans. The UK wouldn't have turned to the Middle East and Africa to replace its lost holdings, so ... no carving up the Ottoman Empire, no chaos in the Middle East, and no ISIS. Bruh ... if you don't wanna loan me $20 for fireworks, just say so. We'd probably still have black licorice. No getting around that.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-29 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-29 Pub. Date: 2017-06-29
Image Number: 159711
Caption: Lemont's in Russia … Where'd you take Rudy Park? He was on the boat with me. I was writing a story about him when someone … Oh, come, come … It's as if you've never seen stooge whisked away by unmarked black van to meet with rich Mafia-connected oligarch before. Anyway, you wanted to talk about interference with election. No really, but ... ok. Which one? 1953 overthrow of Iran's Mossadegh? 1954 overthrow of Guatemala's Arbenz? 1960 overthrow of Congolese Prime Minister Lumumba? 1964 overthrow of Brazil's Goulart? 1973 coup in Chile? I see what you're doing. Oh wait ... those were yours.
     
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