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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-17 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-17 Pub. Date: 2018-09-17
Image Number: 174072
Caption: What ever happened to that book you was writing? I don't want to talk about it, Clyde. Nineteen months of secret interviews, rigorous fact-checking, dozens of clandestine 2a.m. meetings in a parking garage with over 25 deep throats … and just before my book comes out, fifteen dozen other books come out with the same !@#$ information. Run for Your Lives! An inside look at the kookiest White House in history got shelved. I ain't sure I don't want to talk about it mean what you think it mean, bruh.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-04 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-04 Pub. Date: 2018-09-04
Image Number: 173880
Caption: You might wanna get your hair checked, bruh. Your ask-frequency down 20% per year. That's a bad sight, Big L. My what? This year you asked me C-Dog, did you take my clippers? 5 times. By this time last year, you done asked 25 times. Guess how many times you asked the year before? Give. Me. Back. My. Clippers. Yo' hair growth be on a perfect negative-sloped linear Bezier curve, bruh. That @#$% serious.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-02 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-02 Pub. Date: 2018-09-02
Image Number: 173653
Caption: I read your latest article about the Fermi Paradox. It's the likeliest explanation … We've only been transmitting radio signals for about 100 years, Susan. And since radio waves travel at the speed of light, our radio bubble's only about 200 light years across. Our radio waves have only reaches 15,000 or so stars out of 400 billion. It'll be tends of thousands of years before most of the galaxy ever sees I Love Lucy. There could be 399,999,985,000 stars out there with civilizations broadcasting I Love Splorg or something, and we won't even notice it until the year 201818 ... and if most aliens skipped radio and went straight to internet, we may never, ever know they exist. Is that why your headline was We'll Never See a Splorg Get Trolled on Facesplorg?
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-08-31 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-08-31 Pub. Date: 2018-08-31
Image Number: 173792
Caption: Have you tried giving up coffee cold turkey? Once. It was December 25th, 1991. It had rained that morning and dew glistened on the flowers a passerby was carrying. A dog barked seven times. A distant siren wailed for 43 seconds. The ceiling light bulb flickered every 257.9 seconds for seven hours. I take it that day didn't go very well. My dog scratched itself for exactly 5 and a 1/2 minutes before falling asleep.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-08-25 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-08-25 Pub. Date: 2018-08-25
Image Number: 173659
Caption: Now that the air duct … or whatever it was … had led me back to 2018 … I was moments away from finally interviewing a child in one of Mr. Trump's internment camps. I could hear him, just around the corner. I heard him crying out for mama! over and over.. I had no idea what condition he would be in. But nothing I imagined could prepare me for what I would see. His crying grew more and more hysterical. I was just meters from him. I rounded the corner. And there, right before my eyes, was ... to be continued. Told you not to have that jumbo lemonade. Telling stories makes my mouth dry.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-08-19 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-08-19 Pub. Date: 2018-08-19
Image Number: 173372
Caption: It all started when … hired me to … they flew me to … to meet the CEO. Dr. Noodle. I was so excited. I'd never been to … before. They took me to a reception for their biggest clients. There was wine and cheese and an awesome … best I've ever … That's when they brought out the 900-pound ... and the albatross. They all started ... around them. They stripped off all their clothes, and beneath them they were all wearing robes made of actual living ... Look, there's abiding by a nondisclosure agreement, and then there's paranoia. I think they may have bugged my ...
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-08-17 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-08-17 Pub. Date: 2018-08-17
Image Number: 173503
Caption: Assuming I were to buy that you accidentally crawled back through time to 1942 in an air duct … what happened next? I climbed back in, of course. Interviewing that child in FDR's internment camp filled me with a searing compulsion to interview one of the thousands in Trump's. I crept past exit after exit before I noticed they were marked. In tiny letter. One read Pennsylvania 1879-1918, Pratt's Indian Boarding Schools. The next one read 1619-1865 Slave Family Separation. On second thought, you know what they say about assuming things.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-07-22 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-07-22 Pub. Date: 2018-07-22
Image Number: 172923
Caption: Dear "Critic," I read your article about how Star Trek gets its own impulse drive all wrong. You said that even though Star Trek SAYS it's not faster than light, it HAS to be, because of all the times they said they had to leave the star system before jumping to warp speed. Sigh ... not again ... Impulse drive is not faster than light!!! you're a two-dimensional thinker. Has it occurred to you they could leave a star system by flying UP, out of the ecliptic plane? Moron!!! Dear reader, light passing Jupiter would take 250 minutes to reach Neptune. But in the season finale of Star Trek: Discovery, they start a conversation as they're passing Jupiter, end it ten seconds later as they're passing Neptune ... Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap t - ... at which point the captain says Have we left the Sol system? The navigator says yes, and the captain says Take us to warp ... I rest my case. I was wrong. I was wrong. Just once let someone restore my faith in humanity by just admitting they were wrong. Discovery isn't REAL Star Trek.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-07-19 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-07-19 Pub. Date: 2018-07-19
Image Number: 172928
Caption: Thank you for doing this, Anderson Cooper. After Vietnam, I owe you. See The Starbucks at the End of the World, page 161. Here's how it'll go down: I ask to interview the refugees again. When the guards refuse, you create a distraction. You have one in mind? Affirmative. I fake a split personality and accuse myself of being fake news before I take offense at that and put myself in a headlock. Then ... Best I don't know the details. Ok. That's the air duct you'll be sneaking into? No. That's chocolate. I had a Snickers.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-07-11 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-07-11 Pub. Date: 2018-07-11
Image Number: 172714
Caption: In the refugee detention center. Pardon me, sir, when are we to be set free? BACK, MEAT. "Meat"?! I'll have you know I was wearing fatigues and slogging across Europe for Uncle Sam before your daddy was spawned! A LITTLE RESPECT, SIR! You're right. Back, MR. Meat. That's better.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-07-09 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-07-09 Pub. Date: 2018-07-09
Image Number: 172715
Caption: After the township of Canardville collapsed into a giant sinkhole, the Mayor of neighboring Candorville jailed the refugees in an internment camp. I can't believe it. We're not trending. No hashtags, no protests, no mentions on Youtube. NOTHING. Of course not. Don't you see, Rudy? They put babies in concentration camps. BABIES. People were outraged - for about three weeks. I've seen this sort of desensitization before. A country that gets over having baby-jails can tolerate just about anything. How do we know those babies were innocent?
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-22 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-22 Pub. Date: 2018-06-22
Image Number: 172358
Caption: I'm tired of people complaining about the treatment of refugees from Canardville. Mayor Thump never asked them to come here. Their whole town fell into a giant sinkhole. They're right next door. Where were they supposed to go? Who cares? Not here. And I'm tired of people whining about how the mayor put them all in jail and took all their babies away form them. They should've thought of that before they chose to be born in a town that would one day sink into a giant sinkhole.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-21 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-21 Pub. Date: 2018-06-21
Image Number: 172357
Caption: Hi, momma. Yes, I know I didn't call you last week. I was in Singapore covering the North Korea summit. Yes, I know how you like to see videos of your grandbaby. But I was in Singapore, so … Yes, momma, they have the internet in Singapore. But I was a little busy covering the brutal tyrant and the president. (Sigh) No, momma, I'm pretty sure I haven't used that excuse before .... Hello?
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-18 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-18 Pub. Date: 2018-06-18
Image Number: 172354
Caption: What ever happened with the Canardville refugees? What? I thought you were covering that story. I was. But at the last second I had to fly to Singapore to cover the summit between the President and North Korea's leader. You know they had a private meeting before the public one? Sometimes I can't believe this is my life, Susan. I was just the shy kid from the wrong side of the tracks. Now I'm the guy hiding in potted plants reporting on the secret meeting between two powerful leaders. Wait ... what? I never in a million years thought I'd be in Singapore.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-09 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-09 Pub. Date: 2018-06-09
Image Number: 172073
Caption: What's your contingency plan, Randy? My what? If a calamity of biblical proportions were to strike here in Canardville, would you flee across the bridge to Candorville? Or would you search in vain for a fallout-resistant bunker, before surrendering to the cruel inevitability of your demise? I ask just for the sake of discussion. No reason to panic. Totally unrelated: I just found out someone who's definitely not me is selling fallout bunkers at buy-this-now-if-you-want-to-live.com. Very bad man.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-07 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-07 Pub. Date: 2018-06-07
Image Number: 172071
Caption: Given enough time, audiences know what to expect, Rosencrantz. And with expectation comes acceptance. Give them crudty, and that is what they will accept. Give them erudition, and they will rise to accept that. Feed them a diet of lies, and they will learn to crave them. I still would prefer to eat my sandwiches before you've chewed them. Give it time.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-13 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-13 Pub. Date: 2018-05-13
Image Number: 171106
Caption: Dear Jerk … I am offended by your article where you wrote that getting offended is America's new national pastime. I've angrily shown it to all of my friends, after first telling them that what they were about to se was offensive … and each of them agreed with me that it was jut as repugnant as I insisted it was. they all now despise you with a passion, just as I had told them they would before they've ever heard of you. Dear sir or ma'am: I'm not sure your polling methodology is scientifically sound. On behalf of all Americans, I demand an apology, a retraction, and a public flogging. Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-02 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-02 Pub. Date: 2018-05-02
Image Number: 171054
Caption: How long you think it be till unaccountability trickle down to the rest of us? The Democrats got Debbie Wasserman Shultz' people destroying ballots before they can be recounted. That ain't legal. But nothin' happen to them. The president use his office to make money e'reday. That ain't legal. But nothin' happen to him. What did you do, Clyde? Don't matter. That's my point.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-04-14 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-04-14 Pub. Date: 2018-04-14
Image Number: 170414
Caption: Clyde, I've never asked you this before, but … do you own a gun? What? Ain't you seen what happened to that brotha Philando Castile? Shot for telling a cop he has a licensed gun and a permit. John Crawford III … Tamir Rice … the country don't think the second amendment apply to us, Big L ... they think the second amendment's to protect them from us. You didn't answer my question.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-02-25 before 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-02-25 Pub. Date: 2018-02-25
Image Number: 168231
Caption: I'm not entirely sure I'm conscious, doc. It occurred to me last night, I am not an individual. I am a colony of 32 trillion individual living cells. Dr. Noodle … each of which lives, breathes, performs tasks, and quite possibly considers itself to be a conscious individual with free will. The thought reminded me of when I was in the army. Each of us was an individual cell focused on an individual task ... but before we knew it, because of the decisions made unbeknownst to any of us grunts ... the body of us, the colony we all comprised ... had marched across Europe, and swum across the Pacific, and liberated half the world ... maybe I prescribed you a little too much Cannabis. You may think you thought that thought, but you're just an antibody reflexively protecting the colony.
     
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