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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-03 back 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-03 Pub. Date: 2019-03-03
Image Number: 176359
Caption: I'll take you back on one condition: No more cheating. Ok. Also, you'd better not even look at another woman. Ok. and you have to give me all your passwords so I can monitor all your social media accounts. Ok. And you have to go to counseling with me and admit how horrible a person you are. And you have to come home straight after work. And you have to get my permission to go anywhere else. And you can't talk to any females other than me or your mother. And you have to let me handle all your finances. And you have to keep quiet when my friends and family treat you like the trash you are for the rest of your life. I thought you said one condition. You life being over is one condition. Not to self: Never, ever, ever say take me back.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-02-20 back 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-02-20 Pub. Date: 2019-02-20
Image Number: 176393
Caption: To roll how you roll when erebody want you to roll different … that's everything … Ralph Waldo Emer's son said that. That's now what Emerson said. It is too. Emer's son tol' me that hisself back in second grade. Wow. You were into Emerson back in second grade. Huh? Nah, bruh. We was just friends. What? What?
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-01-23 back 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-01-23 Pub. Date: 2019-01-23
Image Number: 175942
Caption: Why you always arguin' with other journalists on Twitter, bruh? It ain't a good look. They call you a useful idiot, you call them a corporate stooge, don't nobody come out on top. Before you know it, you an' Anderson Blitzer gonna be throwin' hands, or havin' a dance-battle in that alley. Wait ... he and I were having a private argument. How'd you see it? That ain't important right now. Give me back my phone!!!
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-01-02 back 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-01-02 Pub. Date: 2019-01-02
Image Number: 175658
Caption: Ever since I was five and saw The Menagerie, I wondered what it'd be like to see a Star Trek series featuring Captain Pike. I'm finally getting that, sort of, on season 2 of Star Trek Discovery. Proves nothin', bruh. I ain't even sure what that all mean. It's like you threw a bunch of random nerd words together an' pretended it made a point. Captain Picard is back, too. And so's The Orville. I'm just sayin, that and a new season of the expanse means 2019 is the year miracles happen. Stop that.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-18 back 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-18 Pub. Date: 2018-12-18
Image Number: 175480
Caption: Earlier today, I considered the option of traveling back through time and making other choices. But before I could finish considering it, I changed my mind and decided I could not, would not, dare not do such a thing. But now it occurs to me, perhaps that was me from the future inhabiting my past self and making just such an other choice. I think I regret that I'm going to do what I did to prevent me from undoing that which I regret. Stop it. (This cartoon was previously published on 2016-10-26)
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-09 back 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-09 Pub. Date: 2018-12-09
Image Number: 175062
Caption: I feel like I'm always the last one to know, doc. Dr. Noodle. Back in high school, I was in a band called Foss. I showed up expecting it to be a grunge thing. I said Hey, how come I'm the only one in flannel? How come no one else is wearing Doc Martens? Where are your goatees? Turned out it was a punk band. Anyway, fast forward to 2018: I run into a couple of the guys and we start to reminisce. I asked What ever happened to Beto? Turns out he became a politician. They all knew it. I was the last to know. Again. It's like I'm the universe's afterthought. You're talking about Beto O'Rourke? The one who just ran for Senate? Yeah. How'd he do? When's he get sworn in?
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-03 back 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-03 Pub. Date: 2018-12-03
Image Number: 175262
Caption: I saw Clerks the other day. I don't get why you said it's the best movie ever. What? I said that way back in 1994, Susan. You're thinking in three dimensions. But we live in a four-dimensional world. Everything has four coordinates, one of which is time. It may be dates now, but in 1994 when it came out, Clerks was the best movie ever. I highly doubt that. 2018 Susan cannot argue with 1994 Lemont. It's scientifically impossible.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-11-12 back 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-11-12 Pub. Date: 2018-11-12
Image Number: 174935
Caption: Existence is cruel, Rosencrantz. And that is because of the nature of energy. Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, so it must be stolen. For one creature to gain it, another creature or a plant must lose it and perish. To birth a star system and all its worlds ... a nebula must die. For a man to gain the good side of the sidewalk crack, his partner must lose it. Give it back. Your quarrel is not with me, Rosencrantz. It is with existence itself.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-30 back 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-30 Pub. Date: 2018-10-30
Image Number: 174716
Caption: I was reporting on an instance of voter suppression when the county took my son. They said I was endangering him. When I asked why, they said no you're being belligerent. When I suggested they were trying to discourage the press from covering their dirty tricks, they said I was exhibiting signs of paranoia. When I said I was going to write a story about this, they accused me of threatening them. Is that why you ran a story about the local bunny farm instead of the one about voter suppression? I got my son back. That's all that matters.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-29 back 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-29 Pub. Date: 2018-10-29
Image Number: 174715
Caption: This is child protective services, how may we hinder you? Hi, I had my son strapped to my back while I was working. I was reporting on how early voting was going. We were on a bus with a bunch of elderly black people who were on their way to vote, and they were all ordered to get off. I interviewed county officials about why they did that. Explain to me how that's child endangerment! The child was in danger of losing faith in his system of government. Give me back my son!!
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-28 back 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-28 Pub. Date: 2018-10-28
Image Number: 174529
Caption: I hope we never terraform Mars. House of Java Café. Grand Opening. Why not, Randy? Because, if we gave Mars oxygen and air pressure, we wouldn't need space suits. If we gave Mars trees and oceans, it wouldn't be one big desert anymore. There's just something sexy about driving a dune buggy across a desert planet with only half an inch of space helmet separating you from certain death. Also, if we give it a magnetic field, we wouldn't be bombarded by radiation. Ok ... I'll bite ... what's bad about not being bombarded by radiation? Isn't it obvious? When you look at me, little buddy, you're looking at the pinnacle of human evolution. But my line has taken us as far as possible. I come from a long line of Randies. I've traced my lineage all the way back to a romantic primate named Randy Erectus. He was the first hominid to get up off his knuckles and stand up straight, and that as just in response to a beautiful sunset. Imagine what my genes would do in response to a huge dose of radiation? You really should have your own science show.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-24 back 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-24 Pub. Date: 2018-10-24
Image Number: 174602
Caption: Sorry, Lemont, I can't watch your son for you for two whole weeks. Have a Lego allergy. Oh … wait, a what? No? Well, I mean I have an appendectomy scheduled. No, you don't. You just don't want to watch your best friend's son while your best friend is away covering the voter disenfranchisement in all those states. Children terrify you. Admit it. Are you calling me a liar? You had your appendix out in second grade. It grew back.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-17 back 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-17 Pub. Date: 2018-10-17
Image Number: 174493
Caption: You wanted to see me, boss? House of Java Café. Grand Opening! That's right, minion. My sources tell me a journalist has been looking into your new café's financing. My café? What do you mean? This is your café. Well, it is now, after you sold it to me for $1. but before that, you bought this building using money funneled to you through a shell company traced back to a Russian oligarch ... That's what the paper trail will show, anyway. How could you? Should've known he would never have given me that dollar without strings attached.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-07 back 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-07 Pub. Date: 2018-10-07
Image Number: 174190
Caption: House of Java Café. Grand Opening. I come from a long line of warriors. Women from my family have served in all 49 World Wars. There were only two. You don't think the first world war was fought in 1914, do you? Let's take for instance, the so-called Seven Years War ... The year was 1750: My great-great-great-great-great-great-grandma Sadie dared a Frenchman to build a house in the British Ohio River Valley ... yadda yadda yadda, all the world's great powers ended up fighting across five different continents. We've served similarly in every world war dating back to the epic struggle between the allied dinosaurs and the axis of invertebrates. Admit it: There've been more than just two world wars. There's no shame in admitting you were wrong. Ok. I was wrong. Loser! He's a loser! The loser admits it! Can't win.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-09 back 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-09 Pub. Date: 2018-09-09
Image Number: 173787
Caption: When I grow up, I wanna be a time traveler who goes back through time to tell me if time traveling pays well.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-06 back 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-06 Pub. Date: 2018-09-06
Image Number: 173882
Caption: Susan? Of all the haircuts I've ever had, which one was your favorite? Oh, that's easy. The high-top fade you had back in high school. That was amazing. Mine too. I went to Roscoe's Cuts to see if old Roscoe could do it, just like he did in the nineties. He said he's not sure my hair's thick enough to get up that high anymore. Oh. Well, there's nothin wrong with a low-top fade. He said it's almost time for a no-top fade.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-05 back 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-05 Pub. Date: 2018-09-05
Image Number: 173881
Caption: .I don't know if I ever tol' you but … I used to cut Mr. T's hair back in the day. I don't brag about it much, but I'm the one who came up with his iconic hairstyle. Oh, he wasn't happy about it at first. But I said to Mr. T … Mr T? What some people call an accident, a wise man would call an opportunity ... Let me look in the mirror for a second. The mirrors are currently out of order.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-04 back 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-04 Pub. Date: 2018-09-04
Image Number: 173880
Caption: You might wanna get your hair checked, bruh. Your ask-frequency down 20% per year. That's a bad sight, Big L. My what? This year you asked me C-Dog, did you take my clippers? 5 times. By this time last year, you done asked 25 times. Guess how many times you asked the year before? Give. Me. Back. My. Clippers. Yo' hair growth be on a perfect negative-sloped linear Bezier curve, bruh. That @#$% serious.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-08-27 back 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-08-27 Pub. Date: 2018-08-27
Image Number: 173788
Caption: Now that the airduct … or whatever it was … had led me back to 2018 … I was moments away from finally interviewing a toddler in one of Trump's internment camps. I could hear him, just around the corner. He was sobbing. He was hysterical. He was calling out for his mother. He was just around the corner ... But so were the armed guards. By the time I got the glue, the fake beard and the janitor disguise, the child's cries had stopped. Wait ... back up. I almost blew my cover when I lost control of the spinny-mop thing and it dragged me down the hall.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-08-25 back 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-08-25 Pub. Date: 2018-08-25
Image Number: 173659
Caption: Now that the air duct … or whatever it was … had led me back to 2018 … I was moments away from finally interviewing a child in one of Mr. Trump's internment camps. I could hear him, just around the corner. I heard him crying out for mama! over and over.. I had no idea what condition he would be in. But nothing I imagined could prepare me for what I would see. His crying grew more and more hysterical. I was just meters from him. I rounded the corner. And there, right before my eyes, was ... to be continued. Told you not to have that jumbo lemonade. Telling stories makes my mouth dry.
     
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