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Candorville

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1. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-12 avoid 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-12 Pub. Date: 2019-08-12
Image Number: 178994
Caption: … So I replied What do you mean your charging me $90 for my birth-control pills? My insurance covers those. And guess what the pharmacist said, Mr. Fitzhugh. I couldn't begin to guess. He said Apparently your employer switched you to a new plan that doesn't cover sluttiness. Sir, did you say to pretend you have an important call after ten minutes, or after fifteen? Five! Explain.
     
2. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-02 avoid 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-02 Pub. Date: 2019-08-02
Image Number: 178785
Caption: Let me ask you a man-to-man question, Randy, asterisk. Shoot. Let's say you wake up, you look in the mirror, and you notice your first gray hair. Would it be manlier to immediately pluck it out and pretend it never happened, or would it be manlier to tell yourself it's actually blond? Armstrong, avoiding the truth is never manl ... wait ... asterisk? (Asterisk) By answering my question you enter into a binding nondisclosure agreement.
     
3. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-05-17 avoid 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-05-17 Pub. Date: 2019-05-17
Image Number: 177624
Caption: Why on earth would anyone want prisoners and ex-cons to vote?! What kind of message does that send to thugs hoodlums and murderers? Do you have any idea how many crimes have been avoided because the thuggish, homicidal maniac realized he might jeopardize his right to vote? Zero. I don't mean how many as in numbers. Don't be so literal. Sorry.
     
4. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-04-12 avoid 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-04-12 Pub. Date: 2019-04-12
Image Number: 177117
Caption: What you just say life is? A parade of air-bursting bolides. When an extremely bright meteor hurtles toward earth, it's a bolide. If it blows up when it enters our atmosphere instead of impacting the surface … that's an airburst. Every opportunity we miss. Every time we narrowly avoid death. Every time we didn't eat a burrito that had just gone bad ... You tellin' me that burrito I snuck from you was old? Some bolides explode elsewhere.
     
5. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-06-30 avoid 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-06-30 Pub. Date: 2018-06-30
Image Number: 172492
Caption: Lemont interviews Apple CEO Tim Cook. Is it true Mr. Trump told you the iPhone would be exempt from any of his China tariffs? Ok, I found this on the Web for China Terrace. That's not what I'm asking you. Here is what I've found on Ascot the mime cannibal. Wait ... did you just transfer me to Siri? Let's talk about you and not me.
     
6. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-03-02 avoid 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-03-02 Pub. Date: 2018-03-02
Image Number: 168931
Caption: Whachoodoin', bruh? You been on youtube all day. I'm arguing with some Ukrainian lady who posted a video accusing me of smearing her country by pointing out its growing neo Nazi problem. She said Ukraine's like any other country: minorities and foreigners are safe as long as they stick to the city center. And stick to the sunny side of the street in the city center. And stick to the hotel. And avoid the lobby ... I always avoid lobbies. That's where they get you ... and avoid room service.
     
7. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-01-14 avoid 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-01-14 Pub. Date: 2018-01-14
Image Number: 166587
Caption: I was walking along the sidewalk minding my own business … Dr Noodle … when a cop stopped me and ticketed me for walking without a driver's license. Then he took me to jail and held me there for seven hours. May lawyer found out he's done this before, almost always to black pedestrians. I tried really hard to understand why he does that. I thought "maybe he's just incompetent. Maybe he's emasculated at home so he overcompensates at work. Maybe he was trained to do this and so it's not his fault. Maybe the Mandela Effect is real and he came from an alternate universe where walking without a driver's license actually is illegal. People often go to great lengths to avoid noticing this particular elephant in the room. I'm told it's awfully rude to accuse people who do racist things of being racist.
     
8. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-07-03 avoid 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-07-03 Pub. Date: 2017-07-03
Image Number: 159979
Caption: We've been together for a year, Solnishko. "Solnishko"? That's from mother Russia. It's me telling you you're my sunshine. Anyway, I have something to ask you, my myshka. Your "myshka"? Means my cute little mouse in Russian. "Mouse"? Mice are rodents. Susan, are you trying to change the subject? You know rodents spread diseases, right? How dare you.
     
9. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-26 avoid 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-26 Pub. Date: 2017-06-26
Image Number: 159708
Caption: Vancouver. Hey cutie, you'll never guess where I am! You'll never guess where I am either, snoogums. But you first. <3 Tap tap tap tap t - I'm in CANDORVILLE! I'm on a book tour. I thought maybe you and your son would like to have dinner after my signing. Tap tap tap t - Terminal B. Of course! ... 'cept I'm in Moscow covering the story of my old college roomie being a Russian spy who's blackmailing Donald Trump. Vancouver. Um ... if you don't want to meet, just say so.
     
10. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-08 avoid 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-08 Pub. Date: 2017-06-08
Image Number: 158828
Caption: Sir, we're not going to be flying over the North Pole. But isn't that the fastest way to Russia? Yes, but as you may know, the North Pole is a totalitarian dictatorship embroiled in a bloody civil war between state forces and elfin rebels. I don't follow the news. Anyway, my ticket says we transfer to a connecting flight there. Didn't you guys already know about this war? That's not why we're avoiding it. Santa International just melted. @#$% global warming.
     
11. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-28 avoid 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-28 Pub. Date: 2017-02-28
Image Number: 155067
Caption: "James Bond" can't be black. Why not? Black, white, so what? Was he ever black in the books? I don't think they ever even mentioned his ethnicity. All he has to be is smooth, charming, debonair and cunning. What's important is that he's English. And there of plenty of black men in England. There'd be a lot of bigots furious about this. Bonus. It would give me a reason to avoid the internet and have a life again. Dios mio.
     
12. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-02-13 avoid 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-02-13 Pub. Date: 2017-02-13
Image Number: 154532
Caption: Sometimes America really disappoints me, Susan. Remember that Super Bowl commercial where the kid says he'll never be this and never do that, because he died in an avoidable childhood accident? My reaction was "with all these people watching … that commercial is probably going to save some child's life." America's reaction was "Hey! Save a kid some other time, I'm trying to eat a nacho here." I'm paraphrasing ... barely.
     
13. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-12-18 avoid 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-12-18 Pub. Date: 2016-12-18
Image Number: 151614
Caption: I wish I could fly, Big L. I know what you mean. Ever since I donned my first pair of underoos, I wanted to fly too. But the older I get, the more I realize it's not all it's cracked up to be. First of all, there's all the stuff in the air you'd crash into: birds, helicopters, jets, drones, power lines ... Then there are all the idiots who'd take a shot at you. And if you flew high enough to avoid all that, you'd freeze your nuggets off. Flying's one of those powers you think would be cool, but really wouldn't be. Like invisibility. I don't know what you talkin' about, bruh. I just meant I'm on the no-fly list. If you were an invisible hero, people would still see your clothes. You'd have to fight crime naked.
     
14. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-08-02 avoid 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-08-02 Pub. Date: 2016-08-02
Image Number: 146689
Caption: What do you mean you "had no choice"? I checked my bank account this morning. Newspapers, coffee, lunch, bus fare, diapers, day care, movie tickets, clothes … It all adds up. It's like every day I leave the building, $50 vanishes from my wallet. Locking yourself on the roof all day is not the answer. I'm cold, hungry and my son's kinda stinky.
     
15. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-08-01 avoid 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-08-01 Pub. Date: 2016-08-01
Image Number: 146688
Caption: Hi! I'm a complete stranger! You obviously came up here to enjoy the view in solitude. But I'm gonna stand right next to you as if I've never even heard of the concept of "personal space." I'm gonna avoid eye contact in hopes you'll go away. Good thing I can't pick up on body language.
     
16. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-06-23 avoid 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-06-23 Pub. Date: 2016-06-23
Image Number: 144900
Caption: When are you going to teach your son about death? Never. If your toenail falls off, have you died? If you lose a foot to a grizzly bear, have you died? If a wild kangaroo rips off both your arms, have you died? If you can survive without parts of your body, who's to say you don't survive without the whole body? You can't just avoid having hard talks with your son. I don't want him to survive dying and then call me a liar.
     
17. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-03-20 avoid 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-03-20 Pub. Date: 2016-03-20
Image Number: 140250
Caption: President Trump's State of the Union Address: My fellow Americans, the state of the union is unbelievable. It's yuge! They said it would be small, it's yuge, believe me. One guy down here isn't applauding, and the cameras probably showed him. They didn't show the tons of people who clapped, they probably showed this one incompetent loser down here. Anyway ... They keep talking about this $500 billion deficit with China. They're winning and crying, boo-hoo, boo-hoo, like a bunch of weak little babies. Well this deficit is going away. You wanna know why? Because it's not gonna happen. We'll talk about that later. But first, we have to talk about this lightweight senator in the third row. Look at him. He's a nervous basket case. He looks like a weak little clown. And we're about to knock out ISIS, you know how? Like Truman. Patton. I'm going to pick up the phone, and forget about it, they're gone. Hey, loser, wake up. You're supposed to clap for that. What a clown. Click.
     
18. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-10-28 avoid 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-10-28 Pub. Date: 2015-10-28
Image Number: 134384
Caption: I met a lady in Vancouver and I'm crazy about her. Dr. Noodle. She's crazy about me too. Problem is, she's also crazy about some other guy. I'm asking everyone I know for advice on how not to think about that part. Susan … Clyde … radio shows … fortune tellers ... Had it occurred to you that maybe this means you do want to think about it? Think about what? Ph.D.
     
19. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-08-23 avoid 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-08-23 Pub. Date: 2015-08-23
Image Number: 130939
Caption: You smell really good today, Susan … not that you don't usually smell good … not that I go around sniffing you or anything … not that I purposely avoid smelling you. You know what? I'm going to just start today over again.
     
20. Cartoonist Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-07-26 avoid 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-07-26 Pub. Date: 2015-07-26
Image Number: 129550
Caption: I just started reading the book "2312." It starts on Mercury, where we built a city that constantly travels along rails to avoid the cataclysmic fire of the sun. It's hard to remember we're even capable of that sort of thing. We don't even build the world's tallest buildings anymore. We don't build much of anything. We barely even fill potholes. Once upon a time, we thought big. We built bridges. We carved new rivers. We sent men to the moon. But we've stopped thinking big. Did you know Saudi Arabia's building a tower that's almost twice as tall as our tallest building? Saudi Arabia ain't part of "we"? It ... That's not what I ... Oh, shut up.
     
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